"As Us Butch Guys Say at the Front"
Slashy M*A*S*H Quotes
If there is still any doubt in anyone's mind as to the blatantly slashy quality of M*A*S*H, this page should dispel all misconceptions. This cannot all be unintentional.
This list has now been expanded and beautified by MK over at its own page, As We Butch Guys Say at the Front, part of M*A*S*H-Slash Headquarters.
[Season One] [Season Two] [Season Three] [Season Four] [Season Five] [Season Six] [Season Seven] [Season Eight] [Season Nine] [Season Ten] [Season Eleven]
Season One
"Requiem for a Lightweight"
NURSE [to Hawkeye and Trapper]: Do you two wanna be alone?
HAWKEYE: Yeah, but not necessarily with each other.
(But not necessarily not with each other, either.)
HAWKEYE [pointing at bouquet]: For me?
TRAPPER [fingering the stockings he's carrying]: Only if you'll put those on.
HAWKEYE: You've got a cute body! I've seen guys sneaking peeks at you at calisthenics.
TRAPPER: Which guys are sneaking peeks at me?
HAWKEYE: I'd rather not say. Some of them are married.
"Bananas, Crackers, and Nuts"
HAWKEYE: ...I'm in love, and he doesn't even know I exist.
SHERMAN: Did you say "he"?
HAWKEYE: I'm relying on your professional discretion.
SHERMAN: Of course. Who is it?
HAWKEYE: Frank Burns.
SHERMAN: Major Burns?
HAWKEYE [coquettishly]: Frank.
"Henry, Please Come Home"
HAWKEYE [to Henry]: Can I buy you a drink, big boy-san?
"I Hate a Mystery"
HAWKEYE [after being pinched in the dark]: Frank, you little devil.
FRANK: Ohhh... you're disgusting.
"Germ Warfare"
HENRY [referring to Frank]: If I didn't know better, I'd say the guy was my wife in Army drag.
HAWKEYE [to a sleeping Frank]: Oh, Frank, you're so strong. You're so big and strong.
[Frank moans.]
TRAPPER: We don't wanna get him too excited. We might start something we can't finish.
"Dear Dad"
HENRY: I've gotta see you.
HAWKEYE: You'll have to get in line, little fella.
TRAPPER: Santa can't play favorites.
HENRY: Klinger, take that dress off at once.
HAWKEYE: Not in front of Trapper. He's a married man.
"Sometimes You Hear the Bullet"
TOMMY [to Hawkeye]: I think I love you. [pulls Hawkeye down violently]
TOMMY: Hey, you guys aren't just gonna prance off and leave me?
HAWKEYE: Uh, I live in a very small tent with three other guys. "Prance" makes me nervous.
"The Longjohn Flap"
KLINGER: Take off your clothes.
FRANK: Take off my clothes?! Now, look, Klinger, I know you're trying to get sent home as a nut, but wearing dresses is bad enough. Don't get repulsive!
"Sticky Wicket"
UGLY JOHN: You're no fun at all.
HAWKEYE: Go shower with the nurses.
HAWKEYE [hat over his eyes, after being kissed by a nurse]: I told you to leave me alone, Trapper.
"Major Fred C. Dobbs"
HAWKEYE [seeing Frank carrying a bouquet]: Frank, flowers? I asked for light chocolates. I'm allergic to flowers.
HAWKEYE [to Trapper]: I don't care how drunk you make me, I'm not going home with you.
FRANK: I've decided not to go, sir.
HENRY: Frank, if you think you're gonna sleep here tonight, you're crazy.
HAWKEYE [referring to Frank]: I told you he was a sweetheart. [kisses him passionately]
"Ceasefire"
HAWKEYE: General Clayton, this is Benjamin Franklin Pierce. I realize you're a general and I'm just a captain, but I wanna have your baby! I mean it, I want your baby! I'll kiss all your stars!
HAWKEYE [to Clayton, referring to Margaret]: If she doesn't want you, there's always me!
"Showtime"
KAPLAN: Reach into my pocket.
HAWKEYE: I hardly know you.
Season Two
"Divided We Stand"
HAWKEYE: What is it, a patient?
RADAR: No, just the colonel. He says he needs you in the shower.
TRAPPER [referring to Hawkeye]: Oh, he always acts funny in the men's shower.
HENRY [to Hawkeye and Trapper]: Oh, here you go, PierceIntyre.
MARGARET: There isn't a nurse in this camp they haven't tried to molest!
TRAPPER: Except the male ones.
HAWKEYE: Speak for yourself.
HENRY: There's nothing wrong with Klinger. I mean, he goes out with girls.
FRANK: It's disgusting that you sleep in your underwear.
HAWKEYE: Beats sleeping in yours.
"5-O'Clock Charlie"
TRAPPER: Count off!
RADAR [turns to Hawkeye]: Are you one?
HAWKEYE [flamboyantly, hand on hip]: Yes, are you?
"Radar's Report"
FRANK: You get out of here, you pervert!
KLINGER: Pervert? Who bit who, Major?
"For the Good of the Outfit"
FRANK: I don't think it's so all-fired sophisticated to walk around with a beard.
TRAPPER: Well, you ought to try it sometime, Frank. Women love it.
FRANK: Oh, I'll bet.
HAWKEYE: Really. Come here. [Frank approaches] Kiss me.
HENRY: Well, the corporal's been thoroughly cleared. I did it myself. [clears throat and raises eyebrows meaningfully]
STONER: Uh, are you cleared, Colonel?
HENRY [to Radar]: Uh, well, didn't we clear each other?
[Radar looks faintly scandalized.]
HAWKEYE [looking at Frank and Margaret]: Aren't they something?
TRAPPER: I love 'em.
HAWKEYE [predatorily]: Take her. He's mine.
"Doctor Pierce and Mr. Hyde"
HENRY: Your eyes are perfect.
HAWKEYE: Thanks. Yours are cute too, Henry.
RADAR: Okay, now let me get you to bed here, make sure you're comfortable.
HAWKEYE: That's what they all say.
HENRY: No matter what comes in, I'm putting you to bed.
HAWKEYE: You're the second person to make me that offer. I must be obvious or something. I'm sorry, Henry, I have to disappoint you. I just gotta get some sleep.
"Kim"
HAWKEYE [referring to Frank]: Uh, that's the bad fairy.
HAWKEYE [to Radar]: Sit down, your father and I will tell you what we did to have you.
"The Trial of Henry Blake"
HAWKEYE: I can't think here. There's no booze, the place has been cleaned to within an inch of its life, and your knees are driving me wild.
TRAPPER: Don't get smart with me, soldier. I'm cheap, but I'm not easy.
"Dear Dad... Three"
HAWKEYE: Keep your hands to yourself, Trapper.
TRAPPER: Great looking legs, though, Henry.
HAWKEYE: You've been over here too long.
"Carry On, Hawkeye"
HAWKEYE: Yes, I know I'm a capable young surgeon. Let me add, I have good prospects and I'm a great catch, but I'm not looking for a husband.
HAWKEYE [to Margaret]: I'm getting out of here and I'm taking you with me. We'll send for Frank later.
"The Incubator"
MITCHELL [to Hawkeye and Trapper]: Are you two together?
HAWKEYE: In all kinds of weather.
"Officers Only"
HAWKEYE: Margaret, let me dance my way into your heart. Be patient, Frank, I'll get to you later.
HAWKEYE [to Trapper]: I don't suppose you'd like to finish this dance?
"Henry in Love"
NANCY SUE [referring to Radar]: You just want to take him home and cuddle him!
TRAPPER: We do that all the time.
NANCY SUE: I love tall men.
HAWKEYE: Me, too. I've always been crazy about Abe Lincoln.
HAWKEYE: Besides, one of us is in love with Henry, and I think it's me.
"For Want of a Boot"
BERNIE: You been trying to get out of the Army for six months now by wearing dresses. What's it got ya?
KLINGER: Two marriage proposals and a hurt letter from a peeping Tom.
BERNIE: Who was it?
KLINGER: I don't undress and tell.
TRAPPER: Klinger's not a pervert!
MARGARET: How do you know?
TRAPPER: Because I'm one, and he's never at the meetings!
"As You Were"
TRAPPER [referring to Frank]: He's an idiot, but he's really stacked.
"Crisis"
HAWKEYE [referring to Trapper]: I'm his helper. He doesn't like to heat alone.
FRANK: You won't catch me sleeping with an enlisted man!
HENRY: Well, if it gets too bad, just do what my wife does.
HAWKEYE: What's that?
HENRY: Hold me close.
Season Three
"The General Flipped at Dawn"
STEELE: Thought I'd forgot about you in the storage room, didn't you?
HAWKEYE: It was a night I'll never forget.
"Iron Guts Kelly"
HAWKEYE: Good night, Frank
FRANK: Don't you wish!
(Well, it could be interpreted as....)
FRANK [referring to Wartman]: Why did he jump on me like that?
HAWKEYE: Are you blind, Frank? The man's crazy about you! Right, Trap?
FRANK: What?
TRAPPER: Oh, yeah, Frank, you're playing it just right. Hard-to-get.
HAWKEYE: You vixen!
"Check-Up"
FRANK: McIntyre's refused to take his clothes off for me!
HAWKEYE: Well, not everyone is Major Houlihan, Frank.
NURSE: I don't go out with married men, Colonel.
HENRY: Well, neither do I.
"Life With Father"
HAWKEYE: Sit down, Trap -- it lets you use your best part.
"Mad Dogs and Servicemen"
NURSE: I'm engaged to a pilot.
HAWKEYE: So am I. I just hope it's not the same one.
"The Consultant"
HAWKEYE [to Trapper]: If you're trying to get me drunk, it'll probably work.
TRAPPER [to nurse]: Thanks, sweetheart.
BORELLI: You're welcome, darling.
"Aid Station"
HAWKEYE: While I'm gone--
TRAPPER: Yeah, yeah.
HAWKEYE: Promise me you'll go out with other doctors.
"Abyssinia, Henry"
KLINGER [referring to his dress]: I was in such a big hurry, I didn't get the back zipped up.
HENRY: I'll do it.
KLINGER: Up, sir.
Season Four
"Welcome to Korea," Part I
RADAR [referring to a colonel]: He's comin' over here.
HAWKEYE: Play hard to get.
"Change of Command"
FRANK [pointing to Hawkeye]: I warned you, Hunnicutt. Don't let this man corrupt you.
BJ: I'm doing my very best, sir.
FRANK: Another week in command, and I'd've had you out of that dress.
KLINGER: I'm not that easy.
HAWKEYE: I'm gonna get into one of Klinger's dresses.
BJ: Not while he's wearing it, I hope.
HAWKEYE: We'll see.
POTTER: You've got an eye for horseflesh, Hawkeye.
BJ: He's good at rumps.
(And Beej would know.)
"The Late Captain Pierce"
DIGGER [after meeting Hawkeye]: Not one straight man in the entire Army.
(No, that's not how he meant it, but I take what double entendres I can get.)
FRANK: I told you to take your dress off before you come in here!
KLINGER: Not for you or any man alive!
(Heeey... but this is the episode where Hawkeye is "dead"....)
"The Bus"
HAWKEYE [referring to the walkie-talkie]: It's no fun alone, Frank.
BJ: What is?
[They give each other meaningful looks.]
"Quo Vadis, Captain Chandler?"
FLAGG: Still a cutie-pie, ain'tcha?
HAWKEYE: Well, some guys have got it.
"Dear Peggy"
HAWKEYE: Ah, this mad gay nightlife.
"Of Moose and Men"
BJ: You like Chinese food? You like to walk in the rain?
RADAR [cautiously]: Y-yes, sir.
BJ: You could've been my wife.
[Radar looks terrified.]
"Soldier of the Month"
KLINGER [referring to Frank]: You think I got a chance with him?
HAWKEYE: I think he prefers blonds.
"The Gun"
FRANK: Oops. Sorry, dear.
KLINGER: It's okay, honey.
"The Price of Tomato Juice"
POTTER: You're very kind, Radar.
RADAR: Oh, it's nice being kind to you, sir.
HAWKEYE: You know, as Captain, I have the power to marry you two.
HAWKEYE: Frank, how can we ever thank you? [He and BJ approach Frank in the shower and drape themselves suggestively over him.]
"Der Tag"
FRANK: You know, I've had my eye on that for a long time.
BJ: Radar?
"Some 38th Parallels"
BJ [to Hawkeye]: Hey, buy you a drink, sailor?
"The Novocaine Mutiny"
HAWKEYE: ...Frank wants my virginity.
BJ: We all do.
HAWKEYE: If only I'd known.
"The More I See You"
HAWKEYE: I haven't been home much the past few weeks.
BJ: Better that way. You miss me sobbing into my pillow.
Season Five
"Lt. Radar O'Reilly"
BJ: Time for beddy-bye.
HAWKEYE: As us butch guys say at the front.
HAWKEYE: If the war's over, meet me under the clock at Grand Central in two years. We'll go dancing.
BJ: I lead.
HAWKEYE: Then you buy.
"The Abduction of Margaret Houlihan"
KLINGER: I understand this is a good neighborhood to pick up sailors.
KLINGER: Undo my bra. I usually don't let guys do this on the first date.
BJ: Hopalong Ferret-Face just shot me in the leg!
FRANK: I'm sorry.
HAWKEYE: Lemme take a look at it.
BJ: Will you respect me in the morning?
"Hawkeye Get Your Gun"
HAWKEYE: Looks like a marriage, Frank. [to BJ] I know I can do better, but at my age, can I wait?
"The Colonel's Horse"
HAWKEYE [to BJ]: Let's go play horsie.
HAWKEYE: Upsy-daisy.
BJ: I love you, Daddy.
(No, you don't need context. They're squeal-worthy no matter what.)
"Hawk's Nightmare"
HAWKEYE: You know, Klinger, you're not just another pretty face. [looks at him more closely] You're definitely not just another pretty face.
"The Most Unforgettable Characters"
RADAR: What a provocative anecdote!
KLINGER: Watch your mouth!
HAWKEYE: You still love me, for all my faults?
BJ: What faults? You're perfect!
"38 Across"
HAWKEYE [to BJ]: You always were short on zip.
(Whoo! How do you know, Hawkeye?)
BJ [to Hawkeye]: You've got sweaty palms.
(Out of context, but hey, can't blame me for trying.)
"End Run"
KLINGER: Does this mean we're going steady?
HAWKEYE: You're not exactly my type.
"Hanky Panky"
HAWKEYE: I can't decide on who to ask to the movies tonight.
BJ [walking out]: I'll bet it isn't me.
HAWKEYE [to his back, ruefully]: Don't be so sure. [to Nurse Donovan] Well, how 'bout you?
DONOVAN: You're asking me after him?
HAWKEYE: Well, he turned me down. I'm on the rebound now. This is your big chance.
BJ: She's helping me with some cases.
HAWKEYE [smiling suggestively]: I could use a little of that kind of help myself.
(Yes, I'm twisting it a bit. But -- but -- it works!)
MARGARET: I just don't understand why Donald hasn't written.
HAWKEYE: Maybe there's another woman.
MARGARET: Fat chance.
BJ: Another man?
(Speaking from experience, Beej?)
MARGARET: You're just jealous because Donald has full lips.
HAWKEYE: I'm getting excited.
POTTER: Eat your pudding.
(WHOA. And the pudding is so obviously symbolic.)
"Hepatitis"
HAWKEYE [to BJ]: I ever tell you you look cute with your shirt off?
BJ: You want a massage?
HAWKEYE: ...Not unless you put your shirt on.
HAWKEYE: Show me your tongue.
BJ: My tongue? That's small potatoes. I'll show you my butt!
"Margaret's Marriage"
BJ [providing the voice for Donald]: Let's not rush into this thing like a couple of crazy Army kids.
HAWKEYE [providing the voice for Margaret]: Oh, Donald, darling, I don't care what your rank is -- as long as it's Lieutenant Colonel or better.
BJ: Kiss me, you fool!
DONALD [referring to Klinger -- who else?]: Are you aware the one with the big nose is wearing earrings?
HAWKEYE: You shouldn't be looking around. You're getting married tomorrow.
Season Six
"Fade In, Fade Out"
KLINGER: What, am I the only medic in the shop?
BJ: You're loved, you fool.
KLINGER: Command me, oh tall one with the Presbyterian features.
"Fallen Idol"
HAWKEYE: Radar, I'm gonna do something now I've hardly ever done before.
RADAR: You're not gonna kiss me, are ya?
"Last Laugh"
HAWKEYE [to BJ, as he is being taken away by the MPs]: I'll come on a conjugal visit!
HAWKEYE: Radar, baby! Kiss me, you fool!
"The Winchester Tapes"
BJ [to Hawkeye]: Let's go, lover.
"Your Hit Parade"
BJ [to Klinger, regarding Hawkeye]: Don't ask, just take him.
HAWKEYE [looking pointedly at BJ]: Take, take, that's all anybody does! Does anybody give around here?
"Mail Call Three"
HAWKEYE: Whaddaya say I take you home and put you to bed?
BJ: Aha, you servicemen are all alike.
"Temporary Duty"
HAWKEYE [to Nurse Bigelow]: You slip into something comfortable, and I'll jump in after you.
POTTER: I'd love to, Pierce.
Season Seven
"Commander Pierce"
HAWKEYE [to BJ]: You wanna make nice?
[BJ just smiles knowingly and nods.]
"Lil"
RADAR: For Pete's sake, you know Colonel Rayburn is right behind those doors there? What if she come in here and caught us?
HAWKEYE: Okay, I'll marry you.
"An Eye for a Tooth"
HAWKEYE [to BJ]: You're going to look awfully silly running home to get my clothes.
(Out of context again, but who cares?)
"BJ Papa San"
HAWKEYE [to BJ]: Shall I wait up for you?
(No, this is not me twisting a harmless piece of dialogue into something sexual. Really.)
"Inga"
HAWKEYE: I am the essence of overconfidence. I am speculation, adventure, the spirit of pursuit, the stag howling for its winsome yet anonymous mate. I am the love call of evolution, the perfume and color of the flowers as they offer their pollen to the gentle fuzz of the bees. I am sex itself, gentlemen. I am life! I am appetite!
BJ: And I'm not taking my clothes off till he leaves.
"Rally Round the Flagg, Boys"
FLAGG: Your butt is in my sling.
HAWKEYE: Take me, I'm yours.
FLAGG: I knew it. You're one of those, too.
Season Eight
"Goodbye, Radar," Part I
KLINGER [referring to General MacArthur]: Yeah, he knows me. I've been sending him love letters for a year.
HAWKEYE: Whoo! Get a whiff of him. We're standing around in a coal mine, and he's been wrestling with every woman in Tokyo.
RADAR: It was four guys that got me to smell like this.
POTTER: As long as you had fun.
"Stars and Stripes"
SCULLY: Uh, Hawkeye, you're really cute, and probably a wonderful dancer, but I didn't risk my neck getting here so I could waltz with you.
HAWKEYE: You mean Margaret? You'd rather frolic with a sultry, voluptuous blonde than with a skinny, pale brunet?
SCULLY: I'm funny that way.
"Yessir, That's Our Baby"
HAWKEYE: Let's say, just for the fun of it, that we want to adopt her.
BJ: Our doctor told us we can't have children of our own.
"Bottle Fatigue"
BJ: Hawk, you are shaved, cleaned, dressed. It's revolting!
"Lend a Hand"
KLINGER: Imagine, if you will, the world's biggest salami.
WINCHESTER: We don't have to imagine it, Klinger -- we're looking at it!
(Now that's not suggestive.)
"War Co-Respondent"
SCOTT: You mean you don't like Aggie?
BJ: Hey, whoa, steady. Of course I like Aggie. I like her a lot. I also like Hawkeye....
(Truncating a quote to make it look slashy? Who, me?)
"Back Pay"
POTTER: You boys look a little tired, too. Catch the late show at the drive-in, Pierce?
HAWKEYE: No, we caught the all-night show at the Swamp.
(I knew it!)
Season Nine
"Taking the Fifth"
HAWKEYE [to BJ, about his bottle of wine]: I don't have to give you any of this. I sleep with you every night.
WINCHESTER: You know I'm a vinophile.
KLINGER: Hey, talk like that in the showers makes me nervous.
"Operation Friendship"
WINCHESTER [to Klinger]: Good night, sweet prince.
"No Laughing Matter"
BJ [to Hawkeye]: Are your leather jammies missing?
"Oh, How We Danced"
BJ: My wedding anniversary is May 23rd. This may sound weird to you, but Peg and I have sort of made it a custom to be together on that day.
HAWKEYE: Well, look at the bright side -- at least you have me.
BJ [glancing at him speculatively]: You'll have to shave.
"Bless You, Hawkeye"
HAWKEYE [to BJ]: Didn't your mother ever teach you to knock before entering a strange man's shower?
Season Ten
"Snap Judgment"
BJ [upon discovering Charles clad only in a shirt and boxers]: I'm not in the mood.
HAWKEYE: I was before, but I'm certainly not now.
"Snappier Judgment"
MULCAHY [to Klinger]: Your heart was in the right place... even if your hands weren't.
WINCHESTER: There you are, Max. I told you I'd get you off.
(More out-of-context fun.)
"'Twas the Day After Christmas"
KLINGER: Now, we all know what goof-offs Doctors Pierce and Hunnicutt can be when they're together.
"The Birthday Girls"
MULCAHY: This farmer just wandered in, looking for a doctor.
HAWKEYE [glancing at BJ, who is practically draped over him]: I just happen to have one on me.
"Blood and Guts"
HAWKEYE: I'm Hawkeye. I'm illiterate, but BJ reads to me every night.
"A Holy Mess"
GILLIS [to Hawkeye and BJ]: You guys married?
HAWKEYE: No, it's just that we've been through so much together that we look that way.
BJ [to Hawkeye]: You lick, I'll sleep.
(Yeah, they're talking about eggs. So what?)
"Where There's a Will, There's a War"
WINCHESTER [to BJ]: I hope you stay beautiful until Pierce gets back to see you.
BJ: Hey. When I wake up, remind me to give you a kiss.
HAWKEYE: Go back to sleep. You're dreaming.
Season Eleven
"The Joker is Wild"
HAWKEYE: ...I would love to see you sing "You're the Tops" without your bottoms.
BJ: I can understand that, Hawk.
(Heh heh. So can I, Beej, so can I.)
MULCAHY: Take it off, Hawkeye! I wanna see some skin!
"Who Knew?"
KLINGER [to Winchester]: All I ask is that you meet me behind the generator shed at two a.m. for the big unveiling.
('Cause we all know what you're unveiling behind the shed, Klinger.)
"Settling Debts"
HAWKEYE: Many's the time I've surprised someone in their tent, but never a man.
(Suuuure....)
"The Moon is Not Blue"
BJ [to Hawkeye]: Tell me, Doctor Cronkite, comes winter, do you have something that will keep me warm?
"Strange Bedfellows"
MARGARET [to Hawkeye and BJ]: If you two would stop carousing all night, you might feel better in the morning.
Have I missed something? Email me with the quote and episode title at kmaru [AT] hotmail [DOT] com.
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