Author's Notes: My first Slayers fic! (Be kind) I haven't seen the series any farther than the first season, so forgive me if something is inconsistent with the other seasons.
Disclaimer: Slayers belongs to someone, I'm not really sure who. Not me. The song "Acoustic #3" is copyrighted by the Goo Goo Dolls.
Zelgadis sighed heavily as he wandered away from camp. Behind him, he could hear Lina, Gourry, and Amelia arguing, laughing, and generally enjoying themselves. But Zel didn’t feel like enjoying himself. Not that he usually felt that way anyhow.
Zelgadis shook his head and leaned against a tree. Every since he had started traveling with Lina and company, he had almost forgotten what it was like to be alone. It was times like this that reminded him. No matter how much the others ignored his face, he could never truly forget who he was.
He was never quite sure if they really did ignore his face. Sometimes it all seemed like a beautiful lie, a trick to make him think that he was normal, while they laughed at him in secret. Perhaps even Amelia was secretly repulsed by his looks. He was never quite sure.
Still, a bit of affection was better than nothing, whether it was fake or not. Rezo had never given him anything like that. Never once in all the time he had known his great-grandfather/grandfather had the priest ever once expressed a sense of pride over Zelgadis.
Even after all this time, it still stung. It hurt to remember those years of his youth that he had spent under Rezo’s scrutiny, years of never being good enough. Years of being weak and useless, treated like a freeloader who couldn’t do anything right.
Zelgadis slammed his fist against the tree he had been leaning on. He had once had dreams of being strong and making Rezo proud. He had often imagined becoming a great warrior and mage, and at last earning the acceptance he had so desperately sought.
The chimera chuckled bitterly. So fast had those dreams left him after his transformation. He had finally gotten his strength, but in a way he never would have wanted. And never had he accomplished what he had set out to do all those years ago. If Rezo had been proud of Zelgadis before the Red Priest died, he had never mentioned it. For Zelgadis, that omission was enough to convince him that he had not earned Rezo’s love, not even then. No matter if Shabranidgo had possessed Rezo then or not. As far as Zelgadis was concerned, he had failed his grandfather. Failed himself. And the failure itself was a bitter one, for there was no one to ease his distress about it. His pain was his alone.
Almost unconsciously, Zel wandered father away from the camp. He often went on these walks by himself, thinking about how much he hated his life. It all seemed to be one big lie sometimes. Like a bad play, full of characters mouthing hollow words of love, with no true emotions behind them. Once their lines were said, they would retreat into the darkness, leaving him alone on the stage to contemplate his misery. There was nothing else for him.
He had always been a bit of a loner, but his curse only seemed to make things worse. Now there was a legitimate reason for people to back away from him, to loathe him in secret. Having a face as cold as he imagined his heart to be was the perfect deterrent to keep anyone from getting past his defenses. No matter if he hid his face or not, Zelgadis knew that he could be alone even when surrounded by a group of people.
He suppressed a shudder. The thought of crowds seemed to bring him fear nowadays. Wandering through crowds of people, amiable enough to him until they discovered what he was. More than once had his disguise fallen off, and he had been chased out of town. Zelgadis never bothered explaining things to them. He may have been human once, but that was all gone now.
Now Zelgadis was a monster, in his eyes at least. He traveled with Lina and her friends simply because there was nowhere else for him to go. He had no home, no family. Nothing. Nothing left but dust and memories that seemed to be from a different lifetime. There were times he wondered if his past was no more than a dream, made up by a monster fervently desiring to be human. But then he would feel the pang in his heart, and shudder at the uncomfortable reminder that not all of him was made of stone.
He still searched for a cure, but it was a half-hearted search now. Zelgadis had almost given up on ever finding a cure for his condition. Everything he tried failed. He would search and search, spend hot days and sleepless nights following a trail, and all of it would come to naught. A fruitless end to a fruitless quest.
“Zel? You okay?” He whirled to see Lina coming up behind him. He was slightly surprised that he hadn’t heard her.
“I’m fine,” the chimera said curtly, turning away from her. He wasn’t really in the mood to talk.
“You don’t look fine,” Lina told him, crossing her arms. “You look like you’re wallowing in self-pity while moping around like a sad puppy.”
“A...sad puppy?” Zel gave her an odd look and shook his head. “Never mind. Just leave me alone, please. I need some time to myself.”
“You always need time to yourself.” Lina’s features softened. “To tell the truth I’m, uh, well....I’m worried about you. You looked really upset a moment ago.”
“It’s nothing,” Zelgadis said tersely. “Nothing at all.” He looked away again as Lina gave him a strangely sympathetic look. He wasn’t used to getting this kind of reaction from her, and it was difficult to bear the weight of that gaze.
Lina waited for Zelgadis to say something more, but he remained silent. She shifted impatiently, not really used to having conversations such as this. She was by nature a talkative person, and Zelgadis’s silent, taciturn nature baffled her at times.
*I wish I could help him,* she thought sadly. Zel was always such a loner, never really one to share his feelings. There were times she had the distinct feeling that he was almost...afraid of her and the others. As if he thought that they would start ridiculing him at any moment. She tried to show him that she didn’t care about his appearance, and Amelia and Gourry did the same, but he always had that strange, sad look in his eyes.
“Umm....Zel? Are you coming back to camp or not? Amelia’s been looking for you.” Lina waited for his answer, her eyes searching his face for any sign of emotion. Zelgadis continued to stare out at nothing, lost in thought. For a moment she wondered if he had even heard her. “Zel?”
“I’ll be there in a few minutes,” Zelgadis replied in an emotionless voice. “Just give me a few more minutes.”
“Um...okay. See you back at camp, Zel.” Reluctantly, Lina walked away. As she walked, she turned and looked back at the chimera standing solemn and silent behind her. “You’re not alone, Zel,” she said softly. “No matter how much you like to think you are.”