The kingdom of Seyruunelot was known far and wide as the greatest kingdom in the land. It was even known close and thin as the greatest kingdom in the land, which was quite an achievement in that century (a century which shall go unnamed as to speak it would cause an unending rain of toads and bad sushi.)
Anyhow, in this kingdom of Seyruunelot, there was a giant castle made of bright purple Styrofoam, since the set budget wouldn’t allow actual stone. In the great castle there were many brave and just knights, and a sprinkling of cowardly, unjust knights, and even one or two knights who were total bastards. All these knights were under the rule of the world’s most violent pacifist, Prince Philionel. He gathered his knights around a table which, due to copyright issues, had been dubbed the Somewhat-Oblong Table. Originally it had been called the Almost But Not Quite Round Shaped Table, but Prince Phil quickly discovered that this would not fit on his business cards, and thus it was renamed.
Each knight of the Somewhat-Oblong Table was protector of some sort of virtue (well, not necessarily a virtue...) Prince Phil himself was the Knight of Justice and Oxymoronic Attacks. Other knights included Sir Dan, Knight of Good Teeth; Sir Bob, Knight of Neatly-Folded Socks; and of course the brave Sir Gareth, Enviro-Knight.
One day, Prince Phil stormed into his court in great distress.
“Great knights!” he said. “I come before you in my hour of direst need! I have a great quest, a quest which can only be performed by the bravest and greatest of my knights. My dry-cleaning is complete, and must be retrieved. Unfortunately, the dry- cleaners has relocated and now lies far, far away. Only the most valiant of knights will be able to survive this mission! Therefore, I ask that you--” Phil suddenly took a look at who he was making his speech to. Only five knights were sitting at the Somewhat-Oblong Table, and two were too busy fighting over the last cheese sandwich to notice him. “Hey! Where is everybody?”
Sir Zelgadis, Knight of Depressive Brooding, shrugged.
“Everyone else is off on the other quests you sent them on,” he replied. “Sir Seymour and Sir Wesley are getting your shoes cleaned, Sir Mark is ordering the royal pizza, Sir Ryan is overseeing the construction of that new mall and Sir Gareth is trying to stop him and save the whales at the same time...”
“So we’re all that’s left!” The female knight Amelia, Knight of Bombastic Speeches, who also just happened to be Phil’s daughter, smiled widely.
“Oh...” Phil looked a little doubtful. The only knights left were the bottom of the barrel. Besides the two already mentioned, there was also Lina, Knight of Bad Temper and Overkill Spells; Sir Gourry, Knight of Painful Stupidity, and, the worst of the lot, Sir Xellos, Knight of Annoying Smiles and Evil Plots. Phil still wasn’t sure how exactly Xellos had become a knight, but he suspected that the Mazoku had sneaked in when no one was looking. “Well, then it appears I have no choice. You five must risk your lives and retrieve my royal dry-cleaning!”
“Huh?” Lina, having finished off the cheese sandwich, glanced up. “What’d you say?”
“It will be a dangerous journey,” Phil told them, posing dramatically. “Not all of you might return. In fact, if Amelia doesn’t return, none of you had better return. You will have to brave monsters, icky bugs, and possibly even wrinkled clothes, but I am confident that you will return my dry-cleaning to me! So go, brave knights!” And he kicked them out the door, except for Amelia, who was given a large bag of goodies and a kiss on the cheek before being sent on her merry way.
“So, where is this dry-cleaning place?” Lina asked.
“I know!” Xellos raised a hand.
“Anyone else?” Lina looked around the group. Xellos was jumping up and down eagerly.
“I know! I know!”
“All right.” Lina sighed. “I know the answer, but go ahead, Xellos.”
“That’s a secret!” Xellos felt much better now that he had gotten to say his catchphrase at least once.
“If Xellos is quite done,” Zelgadis said, “let’s get going. Amelia, did your father give you a map?”
“Map?” Amelia brightened. “Oh yeah!” She reached into her pack and pulled out an amazingly detailed map. “Let me see here...Happy Face Dry Cleaners. It’s only a little ways down the road, past the Valley of Hideous Monsters, the Forest of Mild Unpleasantness, and the River of Lots and Lots of Water.”
“That doesn’t seem too hard,” Lina said. “Come on everyone! If we hurry, we’ll have the dry-cleaning and be back in time for dinner!”
“Easy for you to say,” whimpered Gourry. “You got to eat before we left.”
“But I’m just a weak little girl,” Lina replied as she led the group down a path lined curiously with yellow bricks. The (kinda) brave and (not really) just knights had barely started down the path when they were stopped by a shining figure all in white.
“Ow! Turn down those lights already!” Zelgadis grumbled, shielding his eyes. Immediately the figure turned down the florescent lights accompanying her, revealing none other than...
“Madonna?!” gasped Amelia.
It was indeed Madonna, dressed in her cone bra from the 80’s and a pair of tight leather pants. The boys took a moment to admire her figure and Lina and Amelia took a moment to beat the stuffing out of them for being perverts.
“Listen to me, Knights of the Somewhat-Oblong Table,” she said to them. Her voice rang out across the fields, mainly because she was holding a really big microphone in one hand. “I have come to warn you. In your search for the royal dry-cleaning you will face a series of tests. But if you are true in your hearts and firm in your beliefs, you shall surely succeed in your quest.”
“Oh great Madonna,” Xellos said, daring to come a step closer to the exalted pop diva. “May I ask a question of you?”
“No, I will not sing ‘Erotica’ while doing a strip tease,” Madonna said in exasperation.
“Actually, I was just wondering if I could borrow some of your clothes,” the fruitcake replied. Everyone else, including Madonna, shuddered in horror at the thought. Xellos smiled some more and reflected on how much fun he was going to have on this quest.
“No way, you freaky purple-haired weirdo,” Madonna replied. “Well, I’m out of here. I have to go to Paris and get married. Au Revoir.” And with that, she disappeared in a flash of shiny special effects.
“Well, that was pointless,” Zelgadis grumbled.
“How can you say that, Sir Zelgadis?” Amelia cried. “We were just visited by Madonna! I mean....Madonna! That’s even better than Brittany Spears!” Immediately everyone else threw things at her head for mentioning the name of the Great Evil One.
“At least now we know to expect life-threatening peril,” Lina said.
“Yay! Peril!” Xellos cheered.
“You’re really annoying, you know that, don’t you?” Zelgadis muttered.
“You only say that because you love me,” Xellos said, glomping him.
“Hands off!” Zelgadis peeled the fruitcake off and threw him towards the ground. “Touch me again and I’ll--I’ll have Amelia recite all her justice speeches to you in chronological order starting from the day she was born!”
“Hey, just because Xellos is annoying is no reason to punish the rest of us!” Lina scolded him.
“Um...Lina? I mean, Sir Lina?” Gourry was standing at a fork in the road (insert visual gag here). “Which way do we go?”
The rest of the knights went to join him, studying the signpost at the fork. The right arrow read ‘This Way: Valley of Hideous Monsters’ and the left arrow read ‘This Way: Valley of the Barney Song.’
“Oh yeah. Hideous monsters, definitely,” Lina said. Everyone, even Xellos, agreed heartily.
So our heroes (if you could call them that) set off down the road towards the Valley of Hideous Monsters. Everything was fairly boring until they were stopped in the road by another group of travelers dressed in dark cloaks. They appeared to be accompanied by several turtles.
“Hello,” Amelia eagerly greeted the newcomers. “We’re knights of the Somewhat-Oblong Table on a quest to retrieve my daddy’s dry-cleaning. Who are you?”
“Our names may not be spoken,” intoned the leader, whose face was hidden by a black Dark and Ominous Hood (tm). “But you may call me....Bungee Boy. Yes, Bungee Boy. My followers and I have come to bestow upon you a great gift.”
“A....great gift?” Zelgadis was suspicious, but that’s nothing new. Lina jumped forward eagerly.
“A gift? Of what? Gold? Jewels? Large amounts of fertile land? Valuable stock market information?”
“Even better,” Bungee Boy said regally. “We bestow upon you....our turtles.”
“Turtles?” Lina’s face fell. “Why the hell would we want your turtles?”
“Ah, but these are not just ordinary turtles,” said another member of the group, a girl in with a gray Dark and Ominous Hood (tm). “These are wonderful singing turtles.”
“What do they sing?” asked Xellos, eyeing one of the turtles in that sneaky way of his.
“To say would be blasphemy,” Bungee Boy said. “The great turtles will sing to you only when you have reached nirvana.”
“Uh huh. Yeah.” Lina picked up one of the turtles and looked at it carefully. “It looks like a regular turtle to me.”
“Maybe it would be good in soup,” Gourry suggested.
“No! You must not eat the singing turtles!” Bungee Boy said angrily. “Now, take them, brave knights, and good fortune be with you on your quest.” He and his followers dumped their turtles into the arms of the startled knights and booked it down the yellow brick road at top speed.
“That was very strange,” Zelgadis said after a moment.
“We’re having turtle soup tonight!” Lina proclaimed happily.
“Sir Lina!” Amelia said reproachfully, grabbing the turtle from Lina’s arms. “It would be unjust to kill these sacred turtles! We must instead guard them with our lives.”
“Why?” Gourry questioned, turning one of the turtles over in his hands.
“Because they will help us reach nirvana!” Amelia struck one of her trademark dramatic poses. “They are holy creatures and, as holy knights of Seyruunelot, it is our duty to guard them!”
“I wonder what would happen if I tried setting one on fire,” Xellos said thoughtfully.
“Sir Xellos!” Amelia stared at him in horror.
“Well, I’m the bad knight, aren’t I?”
“Let’s just take the turtles and get going,” Zelgadis said. “Maybe we’ll run into some pilgrims or something and we can give them the turtles. Until then, though, we really need to get going to the dry-cleaners. They close at five.”
“All right.” Lina shook her head. “Well, we can’t let the turtles slow us down. Everyone grab two turtles and we’ll get going. And Sir Xellos, try not to hurt yours.”
“Aw, why not?” Xellos whimpered. He was already in the process of seeing what would happen if you poured gasoline down a turtle’s shell.
The group started off again in uncomfortable silence. When it became apparent that nothing of note was going to happen any time soon, Lina tried to make small talk.
“So...anyone see any good movies lately?”
After a bit of thought and a giant headache, Gourry raised his hand. In doing so he dropped a turtle, and had to go back to pick it up.
“Well?” Lina prompted when he had retrieved the sacred turtle.
“I saw a movie called Slayers,” Gourry said eagerly. “And you were in it, Sir Lina! And with you there was this girl with enormous--”
“Forget I asked,” Lina interrupted.
The knights walked even more along the yellow brick road.
“Follow the yellow brick road! Follow the yellow brick road! Follow the, follow the, follow the, follow the--”
“Xellos?”
“Yes, Zel?”
“Shut up.”
There was more walking.
“Look, Sir Lina! We must be getting close!” Amelia pointed to a road sign reading ‘Valley of Hideous Monsters--1 mile.’
“About time,” Lina grumbled. “Where are all those tests Madonna told us about?”
No sooner had she spoken then a giant man in a red plaid shirt wearing a hockey mask and wielding a chainsaw jumped out of the woods.
“Halt!” he cried. “I am Sir Mike the Huge. I see that you are holy knights of Seyruunelot. I must ask you your names.”
“Roll call!” Lina cried out. Everyone lined up and put on a pair of mouse ears.
“Sir Amelia!”
“Sir Gourry!”
“Sir Xellos!”
“Sir Zelgadis.”
“Sir Lina! And you!” Lina made a victory sign and everyone removed their mouse ears.
“You!” Sir Mike the Huge pointed a finger at Zel. “You are the one I must fight. I challenge you to single combat. The prize will be safe passage to the Valley of Hideous Monsters.”
“Me?” Zelgadis sweatdropped.
“Yes!” Sir Mike the Huge raised his chainsaw. “Come, face me!”
“All right, all right.” Zelgadis sighed and drew his sword.
“Ha ha! Prepare to die, little....whatever you are!” Sir Mike revved up his chainsaw and dived at Zelgadis, who easily dodged.
“What do you mean, ‘whatever you are?!’” Zelgadis growled angrily. He raised a hand. “Flare arrow!”
The spell flew through the air, knocking off Sir Mike’s hockey mask.
“You have forced me to abandon my armor with your clever trick!” Sir Mike proclaimed. “I must now rely on my weapon alone!”
He made a pass at Zel with his chainsaw. Zelgadis avoided it and used his demon speed to get behind Sir Mike. He swung his sword in an arc and hit the huge man in the back. The swordstrike was absorbed by the thick layers of plaid and made no mark on Sir Mike’s skin.
“What strong armor!” Amelia said in horror. “What will we do if Sir Zelgadis is defeated?”
“Paint his toenails while he’s unconscious?” suggested Xellos.
“Don’t you dare!” Zelgadis called from where he still battled Sir Mike the Huge. Fired by the determination not to have his toenails painted, especially not by Xellos, he attacked again with renewed vigor. “Fireball!”
The fireball struck true, knocking Sir Mike’s chainsaw right out of his hands.
“Halt!” Sir Mike held up a hand to stop Zelgadis from attacking further. “I am disarmed. As an honorable knight, surely you will wait while I retrieve to so that our battle may be fair and just.”
“Hmmph. I think not. Elmekia lance!” With that, Zelgadis half-toasted Sir Mike the Huge.
“I yield, Sir Knight! I yield!” Sir Mike said hastily. Zelgadis raised his hands for a finishing stroke. “I yield, dammit!”
“Good job, Sir Zelgadis!” Amelia congratulated the chimera. “Now we’ll have safe passage to the Valley of Hideous Monsters!”
“You will not!” Sir Mike the Huge rumbled in satisfaction. “For you have not passed this test. The Knight of Honor was not honorable enough to allow me to retrieve my weapon, so therefore--”
“Wait a moment.” Zel held up a hand. “I think I understand what happened here. You got things all wrong. I am Sir Zelgadis, Knight of Depressive Brooding. The knight you want is Sir Selgadis. He’s the Knight of Honor.”
“You mean I got the wrong guy?” Sir Mike started to tear up. “This is awful! Now not only have I been defeated and my map burned to a crisp, it was all for nothing!”
“Your map? Why do you need a map so much?” Lina asked.
“I was going to go to a Nirvana concert after the battle,” Sir Mike whimpered.
“I see,” Zelgadis said thoughtfully. “Well, I can help you there, Sir Mike. Take these sacred turtles. When you reach Nirvana, they will sing for you.” Everyone else facevaulted, since, unlike Zel, they had not seen that joke coming a mile away.
“This is a great blessing you have bestowed upon me!” Sir Mike said gratefully, scooping up all the turtles, except for the ones Xellos had been carrying, since both were painted bright blue and seemed to be smoldering. “In thanks for this gift, I will give you my most precious possession--the cure!”
“A cure?!” Zel’s face became full of hope.
“Yes! Here it is.” Sir Mike handed Zelgadis a CD marked ‘The Cure.’ This time, Zelgadis was the one to facevault.
“Is there anyone who didn’t see that coming?” Lina whispered to her companions. Gourry nodded his head and Lina amended her statement. “Anyone with more than one brain cell not see that coming?”
“Farewell, brave Sir Zelgadis!” Sir Mike the Huge said as he bounded off with his new wonderful singing turtles.
“Wait a minute!” Zel called after him. “I thought you were going to grant us safe passage to the Valley of Hideous Monsters!”
“It’s just through those rose bushes!” Sir Mike yelled back. “Good luck on your journey, O holy knights of Seyruunelot!” Then he was gone.
“Well,” Lina said with a shrug, “I guess we’d better get going to the Valley of Hideous Monsters! Forward all!”
The knights dived through the rose bushes, and, after getting caught for a little bit, they at last found themselves in the Valley.
However, before their exploits in the Valley of Hideous Monsters can be recorded, we have a public service announcement from two of our stars.
(Zel and Lina walk out on an empty stage. They are both wearing khakis and sweaters, and both have big, fake smiles on their faces.)
Lina: In today’s fanfic, Zelgadis fought with a giant chainsaw-wielding maniac.
Zel: Some of you may think that fighting giant men with chainsaws is ‘cool,’ but remember, this is a fanfic. Lina and I are actors being paid--
Lina : *cough* Not enough *cough*
Zel: (Glaring at her, though he’s still smiling) I didn’t really fight a chainsaw- wielding maniac. In fact, in reality, Sir Mike is my stock broker. He wouldn’t harm a fly. (Gives a forced laugh)
Lina: So, remember kids, next time a giant chainsaw-wielding maniac wants to battle you, just say no. It’s the ‘cool’ thing to do.
Zel: This message brought to you by Mothers Against Chainsaw-Wielding Maniacs, Inc.
Lina: And now, back to our regularly-scheduled fanfic.
The holy knights of Seyruunelot wandered through the Valley of Hideous Monsters. They had many adventures, most of which will not be mentioned as they consisted of a giant monster attacking and being blown to Kingdom Come by Lina’s Dragon Slave. The going was easy until they reached the ominously named Pass of Horrible Bloody Death.
“I have a bad feeling about this,” Zelgadis murmured.
“Me, too,” Gourry admitted. “I wonder why?”
“Don’t be such wimps, you two!” laughed Lina. “It’s just a plain, ordinary pass. Nothing special about it.”
“Sir Lina?” Amelia and Xellos were standing by a small sign that was half hidden in the bushes near the pass. “You might want to look at this.”
“Hmm?” Lina walked over and looked at the sign. It said, in blood red letters, ‘Beware the Particularly Fearsome Sheep.’
“We’d better be careful,” Amelia said as Lina burst out laughing.
“Oh puh-LEEZE! It’s a sheep! A sheep!” Lina doubled over in helpless laughter.
“You know, it’s really not THAT funny,” Zelgadis commented dryly.
“Particularly F-Fearsome Sh-Sh-SHEEP!” giggled Lina. “Ooh, I’m so scared! Don’t let the sheep get me! Mwahahahaha!”
A shadow fell over the group. Everyone except Lina, who was still too busy laughing, looked up and froze.
“Sir Lina?”
“Shut up, Xellos, can’t you see I’m laughing? Fearsome sheep! Hahahaha!”
“Um, Sir Lina?”
“Sheep! Fearsome SHEEP!”
“Sir Lina?”
“What is it, Xellos?!” Lina glared at him. Xellos just smiled and pointed up with one finger. Lina glanced up just in time to see a giant hoof come down on top of her as she was squashed by a two-hundred foot tall sheep. Luckily, since this is a comedy and Lina is the main character, she popped right back up again with only minimal damage being done.
“What the hell?” Lina gaped at the giant sheep. It fixed her with a cold gaze.
“It doesn’t look very happy,” Gourry commented.
“I think it’s shedding,” added Amelia. “Doesn’t its wool look comfy?”
“Oh, it is comfy,” replied Xellos, who had teleported himself onto the sheep’s back. It immediately got green in the face and started trying to shake him off.
“Sir Xellos! Stop bothering the sheep!” Amelia said angrily.
“Don’t make it madder than it already is!” added Gourry.
Meanwhile, the sheep decided to ignore Xellos and turned its attention to the rest of the knights. Opening its mouth, it unleashed a stream of fire at Lina.
“Hey! Why are you picking on me?” Lina just barely managed to dodge the fire.
“I think you offended it,” observed Zelgadis.
“If I didn’t before, I will now,” Lina replied. “Darkness beyond twilight, crimson beyond blood that flows...”
“Get under cover!” cried Amelia, diving behind a rock.
“...In Thy great name, I pledge myself to darkness. May those who oppose us be destroyed by the power you and I possess! DRAGON SLAVE!”
The spell flew at the sheep...and was absorbed straight into its wool without doing any damage whatsoever.
“Hmm....It appears that this sheep is part Dark Lord,” Xellos observed.
“Why didn’t you say that before?!” Lina demanded, dodging another burst of fire from the sheep.
“It’s more interesting if it’s a surprise.”
“Xellos, I’m going to--” Lina never got a chance to say what she was going to do, because the fire-breathing sheep had moved in for another attack. This time, a burst of flame managed to singe Lina’s hair.
“Okay, that’s it!” Lina exploded. “Sheep, prepare to die!” She raised her hands. “Lord of Darkness and Four Worlds...”
“She’s using the Ragna Blade?” Zelgadis exclaimed. “On a sheep?!”
“Well, she is the Knight of Overkill spells,” Amelia pointed out.
“....Let us walk as one along the path of destruction. RAGNA BLADE!”
Lina jumped and swung the blade, cleaving the sheep neatly in half. Nameless extras immediately ran in and swept up the blood before the censors could get annoyed.
“Now....” Lina reached into her cape and pulled out a knife and fork. “A little fireball and we’ll have some veal!”
“That’s disgusting!” Zelgadis stated. Lina, Gourry, and Amelia ignored him and proceeded to eat the giant sheep, while chimera gave them his patented Disapproving Glare.
“Don’t you want any, Sir Zelgadis?” Xellos floated down and threw his arms around Zel’s neck. “Or do you want to snuggle while they’re not looking?”
“Get off me!” Zelgadis flipped Xellos over his head and decided that, while he was waiting for his fellow holy knights to finish eating, he might as well pass the time by beating Xellos into a pulp.
Finally the group got going again, with a full and happy Lina in the lead and a beaten and happy Xellos bringing up the rear. They carefully made their way through the Pass of Horrible Bloody Death.
“I think I can see the end!” Amelia pointed enthusiastically. They could all see, just beyond the Pass, a spooky-looking forest.
“That must be the Forest of Mild Unpleasantness!” Lina said. “Let’s go!”
She ran forward eagerly. Suddenly, there was a flash of light which sent her flying.
“Sir Lina!” Amelia ran up to her. “What happened?”
“I don’t--Wait! I think I see someone in the smoke!” The holy knights stared as a figure in a suit and tie emerged from the glowing purple smoke. Flashy lights surrounded him, and in one hand he held a microphone. “It’s....it’s....Regis Philbin?!”
“Hello, and welcome to ‘Who Wants to Get Out of the Valley?’” Regis waved a hand and applause broke out. Everyone looked around to see where it had come from, but there was no audience to be seen. “I’m your host, Regis Philbin. Now, in order to win this game, one of you must answer three questions. Get them all right and you get to leave the pass. But, if you get just one incorrect, then you get fed to Mr.Fuzzy-Wuzzle, the pink saber-toothed bunny.”
“Just three questions?” Lina smiled confidently. “This will be a snap!”
“And our contestant will be....you!” Regis pointed at Gourry.
“Um...is this a game show?” the aforementioned clueless knight asked.
“We are all going to die,” Zelgadis proclaimed.
“You’d better get these right, Sir Jellyfish Brain,” Lina warned. “Or else I’ll-- I’ll--I’ll do something so unspeakably horrible that I can’t even tell you right now!”
“Uh...okay.” Gourry gave her a weak smile and sat down in the seat which had magically reappeared under him. Regis Philbin sat down in another magically-appearing chair opposite him and prepared to begin the game. The rest of the cast busied themselves in making their own audience box, where they could sit and watch the show.
“All right, Sir Gourry Gabriev,” Regis said. “For your first question...What is the world’s flattest object? A: A flounder; B: the Rocky Mountains; C: paper; or D: Sir Lina’s chest.”
“Hey!” Lina called indignantly from the audience.
“That’s easy!” Gourry said happily. “It’s D!”
“Is that your final answer?”
“Um...” Gourry had to think about that one for a second. “Yes!”
“That’s correct!” Regis announced. Only Xellos cheered, as Amelia and Zelgadis were too busy restraining Lina from Dragon Slaving Regis Philbin.
“All right, time for our second question,” Regis said. “Who is the world’s most annoying person? A: Naga; B: the fat guy who sits in front of you at the movie theater; C: that monkey puppet from the Domino’s Pizza commercials; or D: Sir Xellos.”
“I know that one, too,” Gourry said proudly. “D!”
“Is that your final answer?”
“Yup.” Gourry nodded, secure in his knowledge.
“That’s correct!” The audience cheered and Xellos made a victory sign.
“Yes! Still the most annoying!”
“Like there was ever any doubt?” Zelgadis muttered.
“All right, Sir Gabriev,” Regis said. “It is time for your final question. Win this, and you win the game. Lose and you go get eaten by the saber-toothed bunny rabbit. Here is the question: What is a fiancee? Is it A: The person with whom you are engaged to be married; B: a brand of shoes; C: a Disney theme park, or D: a pickle.”
“Hmm...” Gourry thought. And thought. And then got a gigantic headache and had to stop thinking. “Um, is the answer V?”
Lina slapped her forehead and wondered what it would feel like to be fed to a saber-toothed bunny.
“You still have three lifelines,” Regus reminded Gourry.
“What are those? Are they like fishing lines?”
“You can ask the audience, use your 50/50, or phone a friend,” Regus continued.
“Okay. I guess I’ll call a friend,” Gourry decided.
“All right. Who should we call?”
“How about that Sir Xellos guy? He seems to know a lot of stuff.”
“All right. We are now dialing Sir Xellos’s number.” In the audience box, Xellos’s cell phone rang. Ignoring the death glare he was getting from Lina, he answered.
“Hello?”
“Sir Xellos, this is Regis Philbin of ‘Who Wants to Get Out of the Valley?’ Your friend Sir Gourry is here with a question for you.” He handed the phone to Gourry. “You have thirty seconds.”
“Hi!” Gourry said brightly into the phone.
“Hi!” Xellos said cheerfully back, while Lina made incoherent noises of rage.
“Um...what was the question again?” Gourry thought for a moment. “Oh yeah! What is a fiancee? A: The person with whom you are engaged to be married, B: a brand of shoes, C: a Disney theme park, or D: a pickle. I think it’s D, but I’m not sure. What’s the answer?”
“It’s a secret!” Xellos replied.
“What letter is that?”
“That, too, is a secret!” Xellos said.
“I’m sorry, your thirty seconds are up.” Regis took the phone away from Gourry.
“You idiot!” Lina started strangling Xellos. “Why didn’t you tell him the right answer?”
“I couldn’t very well pass up a perfect opportunity to use my catchphrase, could I?” Xellos asked innocently.
“Grr...if we get eaten by a saber-toothed bunny, I’m going to make sure it eats you first so I can watch!”
“I second that.” Zelgadis raised a hand.
“Would you like to use one of your other lifelines?” Regis asked Gourry, ignoring the disturbance in the audience.
“Okay!” Gourry said.
“50/50 or ask the audience?”
“The first one,” Gourry decided.
“All right. We will now take away two of the answers.” Regis paused, then remembered that they didn’t have a big TV screen broadcasting the answers. “The two remaining answers are A: the person with whom you are engaged, and D: a pickle.”
“Hmmm...” Gourry attempted to think some more.
“Don’t hurt yourself, Sir Gourry,” Zelgadis said dryly.
“Use the last lifeline, Sir Jellyfish Brain!” Lina ordered.
“Oh yeah! I want to do that,” Gourry said.
“Okay. We will now poll the audience to see what they think.” He sent a nameless minion who had suddenly appeared out of nowhere into the audience box, where said minion held whispered conversations with the other four knights before returning to Regis.
“Okay,” Regis said after a moment of conversation with the minion, who then disappeared again. “It appears that 75% of the audience say the answer is A, and 25% say D. What is your answer, Sir Gourry?”
Up in the audience, Lina, Zelgadis, and Amelia turned to glare at Xellos.
“What?” the fruitcake asked innocently.
“All for feeding him to the saber-toothed bunny say aye,” Lina growled.
“Aye!” Zelgadis and Amelia replied as one.
“But Sir Lina, I was just making things more exciting,” Xellos defended himself.
“Now, Sir Gourry, what is your final answer?” Regis Philbin turned to the dense knight.
“Um...D!” Up in the audience, Lina growled fearsomely. “I mean A! A!”
“Is that your final answer?”
“Well...”
“Darkness beyond twilight....”
“Yes! Yes!”
“That is...correct!” Regis waved a hand and the chairs disappeared. “Good job, Sir Gabriev!” Then Regis disappeared in a flash of purple sparkly things.
“Nice work, Sir Gourry!” Amelia and the others came out of the audience box to meet him. “Now we won’t have to be eaten!”
“But we did have to sit through another pointless ‘Who Wants to be a Millionaire’ parody,” Zelgadis pointed out.
“It could be worse,” Lina pointed out. “It could have been ‘Survivor.’” The group thought of Jeff Probst and shuddered.
“Let’s get going before he does show up,” Zelgadis suggested.
“Good idea.” Lina headed out of the path. “Full speed ahead to the Forest of Mild Unpleasantness!”
The troop of morally questionable knights carefully made their way to the Forest of Mild Unpleasantness. Inside, it was dark and spooky. Crows and ravens adorned the tree branches, trying their best to create a suitably creepy atmosphere.
“Just once, I’d like to go into a forest and hear a bunch of happy sparrows,” Lina grumbled. “Why must it always be crows?”
“Because if the forest was full of cute little canaries, it wouldn’t be very menacing, now would it?” Zelgadis said dryly.
“It’s like the way it always starts to thunderstorm when dramatic things are happening,” Amelia added.
“I thought that was thanks to the special effects people,” Gourry spoke up.
“Quiet!” Lina slapped a hand over his mouth. “We’re not supposed to breach the fourth wall, remember?”
“Since when?” Xellos questioned, waving at the cameraman who kept following them.
“Ack! Stop that!” Lina had to drag Xellos forcefully away.