"Ichijouji residence."
I hear the voice in the phone, but I'm not really listening. How could I be, with him behind me? How could I possibly be expected to concentrate on anything with him watching my every move? Especially knowing that he--my most exalted secret crush--has deigned to invite me to stay over at his house? Such an unexpected--and undeserved--boon. Only he could do such a thing, to invite the enemy into the bosom of his family and to do so calmly, without fear.
Daisuke has invited me to his house. The de facto leader of the new Digidestined invited the reformed Digimon Kaiser to his house. It boggles the mind, how my usually poor luck could suddenly run so golden.
Momma's talking to me, I barely hear her. My answers are automatic and calm as can be, the affable mask back up and fastened firmly. No one can know that tiny secret inside me, that fiery grain of something special that would only cause me more pain than I've already suffered. Trials by fire are funny things that make you stronger and yet make you afraid to face the next task, because you know it will be more daunting. It's one thing to conquer darkness, surely, but this is another matter entirely.
I can't think of anyone other than myself who is less suited to tackle the intricacies of the human heart.
I press the phone closer to my ear, trying to keep my attention on what I'm doing. My mind's so full of this and that and my heart is thudding so loudly I'm not even aware of what I just said, what Momma just said. She could've hung up the moment I called and I don't think I would've noticed. She's saying the expected, though, that she's so glad I have friends now. Would it break her heart to tell her that I'm not sure if my friends are my friends? That I still sit up sometimes at night and wonder if they're all just playing with me and pretending to care, just like everyone else I've ever known, everyone but Wormmon....
If I said these things out loud, I know what would happen. If I said them to Miyako, or Hikari, or Takeru, or any of the others, they would smile and assure me that they really do care for me, ex cetera, ex cetera, ad infinitum. Daisuke would threaten to pound me if I didn't cheer up immediately and would then proceed to tell me forcefully that you can't fake friendship. Momma would probably send me to a therapist. Wormmon already knows, and he knows that his saying everyone's friendship is real won't make it so. Is it any wonder I'm so quiet now? I know how painfully alone I really am. It cuts sometimes, and bleeds a little, then I bandage it and forget for a while. It's nice to forget. I think the Digimon Kaiser was, among other things, a very large bandage.
"Goodbye." The phone call is over already? I can't recall a word I said. I hold the receiver, but I don't hang up. Pretending to be listening still, I turn halfway around to look at Daisuke. I'm entranced, I'm lost, I'm completely deluded and I know it. Quiet, quiet, don't say a word Ken, because if you speak it'll hurt. I won't open my mouth because I'm so sick of pain I could puke. Sometimes I'm so sick and disgusted I imagine there's a whip in my hands and glasses hiding my eyes. It's impossible to describe how good it feels, and how seductive and sweet the call is, even after you've heard it once and tasted the consequences of embracing it. But when you give in, the consequences are immaterial. What matters, really, what matters at all to one who is invincible? I thought I would never fall, not until my knees touched the ground.
My lies to myself are strong still, and it's really rather impressive when you stop to consider it. A mind so broken and bent can still convince itself that it's whole and the universe is calm. I'm not evil, I'm not a monster. Those lies sing clear and sweet, like a bell tolling through a silent night. Sometimes the night is stormy, and then they don't sound near as sweet. Like now, for example, when I'm so close to Daisuke I could touch him and tell him how I feel, but I'm neither foolish enough nor brave enough to speak. Because I know the way the world works. I know that the hero must not, can not, fall in love with the enemy, or all is undone. And as I am, I am nothing to be coveted. Perhaps if I were a being of light, as he seems attracted to that, but everyone knows I'm not. I'm not created of kindness either, despite arguments to the contrary. Even darkness is not my comforting berth. I am, as always, caught in the middle, heavy and sagging with regret and guilt and 'what if.' The gray area between can be colder than the darkness at times.
"You almost done, Ken?" Daisuke watches me, innocent as always. Does he know what he does, with that bright smile and shining eyes? Does he know how high above me that innocence puts him? Never lose that, Daisuke. Of all my losses, I think the loss of innocence is the one I regret the most. Grief fades and love regrows, but once cut, innocence leaves for good.
"I'm done." I hang up the receiver and move towards Daisuke. I cradle Leafmon under one arm, my unending source of support and the crutch that keeps me standing is all wrapped up in a little green, cuddly ball. It's odd. In some ways, I think, it makes my heart break. "Are we going now?"
"Yup!" Daisuke might've grabbed my arm if Chicomon hadn't been in his hands. "This is going to be so cool, Ken! I can't wait to show you my room; you'll love it. And wait'll you see all the video games I have! I bet I can beat you at all of them!"
"You could try," I reply confidently, because that's how one is supposed to reply to a challenge. As long as my outside is constant as stone, my insides can change like the weather and be unnoticed. Bliss and despair are all one to me.
"Have you ever had a sleepover, Ken?" Daisuke asks lightly, and for once I can't stop the flush of shame that flashes across my face.
"N-no....never." I lower my head and wonder if the ground will swallow me up if I hope hard enough. "I've never had friends to have sleepovers with." It's so much easier to drown loneliness when you don't have to speak it aloud. Vocalizing always makes it more tangible than it seemed when it was all in your mind.
"....Oh." Daisuke's voice conveys so much. He feels bad for bringing it up, and I marvel. How could he feel bad? He knows why I have no friends. He knows why everyone hates me. But still, still he feels bad. My heart rises, and sinks again. Remember, Ichijouji, hope is not your forte. Best leave it alone and keep pretending.
"It's all right," I assure Daisuke. "Don't feel bad for asking. I don't feel bad about answering."
�Yeah, but-� he starts, and I cut him off.
�It�s fine. Shouldn�t we be going? Your parents are going to wonder what�s taking so long.� A thought strikes me. �Don�t you need to call them and ask permission for me to sleep over?� You�d think I was hoping his parents would say no. The problem is I�m cursed with a rational mind, and it doesn�t work in tandem with the rest of me. Not anymore, at any rate. It�s so much easier to think logically when all you have is a too-large brain and an empty hole where your heart should be.
�Nah, my parents won�t care.� Daisuke waves a hand airily. �After all, I�m bringing home the famous Ken Ichijouji.�
I know he meant that comment innocently, but it makes my whole body twist up to hear it. The famous Ken Ichijouji. The infamous, the evil, the monster who razed a path through the Digital World. I shouldn�t be famous; I shouldn�t be anything. It�s cold and I�m wrapped around myself inside, and for once I wish Daisuke would be quiet. I suppose it�s futile to wish anything, though. I�ve heard it said that every human being is granted one wish in his or her lifetime, and I think everyone knows how well that turned out in my case.
�My apartment�s this way. It�s okay, I mean, all right, my room�s a little messy, but it�s not that bad. And watch out for Jun, �cause she�s annoying and she�ll probably bother us. Oh, did I tell you about her crush on Yamato? It�s really funny. One time�.� Daisuke leads me along the streets, chattering and light, and full of the sweet scent of forbidden fruit. Friends chatter, I suppose. I don�t, but I�d rather not be his friend. I�d rather be more, be someone who can rest his head upon that kind loving shoulder and sob, or spend hours staring into those magnificent eyes that sparkle like a penny washed clean by the rain. That seed of something begins to worm it�s way through my intestines like ivy up the side of a wall, and I stifle it. If I could, I�d chop it down and watch it fall lifeless in the street, but I�m not strong enough for that. My own heart is so full of shadows and catacombs and labyrinths of feelings that I�m never sure how to do anything but wander through in hopes of finding an end. Or a beginning, depending on how you think of it.
�Ken?� Daisuke prods my shoulder and I jump. I didn�t think he�d find my silence odd. Fallout, I think, from years of being ignored. I think that no one will ever notice me if I just scrunch up small enough. I sometimes wonder if I�m secretly hoping that if I close my eyes, I�ll disappear and that will be the end.
�Y-yes, Daisuke?� I try to regain my composure, but it�s so hard with him right there beside me. I�m trapped by him, bound by shackles tougher than steel. Even if I walked away now, for no reason other than to make my heart stop pounding like a drum, I would still be tied to him by that cord of red thread. The flames in my heart have created these fetters, and nothing short of a miracle-or a catastrophe-can melt them now.
�Are you all right? You look a little zoned. Is something wrong?� He�s eager to help, which is nice to know. It still makes me worry, though. Is he really concerned for my health, or is he worried that I�m slipping back into that gentle night? I know I�m being paranoid, but�..still I wonder. I always wonder.
�I�m just�..a little nervous about going into your apartment,� I admit. �Are you sure you want me to sleep over?�
�I wouldn�t have asked if I wasn�t sure.� He stops in front of a large building and takes my hand unexpectedly. My brain argues with my heart, and I�m torn between moving closer and jumping away. Locked in the internal struggle Daisuke can�t see, I stand frozen while my body makes up its mind as to which response is best. �We�re here. I�m up a few floors.�
He leads me inside and goes halfway towards the elevator before stopping and smiling down impishly at Chicomon. He drops my hand-my heart is satisfied and I can move freely again-and makes for the stairs.
�Race you to the third floor!� he shouts to me, breaking into a sprint. I stand dumb and uncomprehending for a moment as he flings the gray metal door open and sprints up the staircase. Leafmon stirs in my grip and I smile down at him, a guileless, childlike smile that reveals nothing of my inner thoughts. Then I run after Daisuke. As always.
At about the second flight my legs begin to feel heavy. I don�t know why; after all, I�m in good shape thanks to the soccer. Maybe I�m just tired. My heart was beating fast enough before I started running, and I suppose the exercise isn�t helping to slow it down. Leafmon even feels like an extra weight in my arms, binding me to the ground. Each step hurts, I�m tired but I don�t know why...
I don�t even notice that I reached the third floor. Not until I run straight into Daisuke. He falls to the ground heavily, dropping Chicomon. Leafmon is jarred from my grip and bounces on the carpet as my weight knocks Daisuke to the floor.
It takes me a moment to gather my scattered senses and realize what I�ve done. I glance feverishly over at Leafmon, suddenly terrified that I may have hurt him or Chicomon, then I glance around to make sure that no one�s seen him....
Then I realize that I�m currently sitting on top of Daisuke and all rational thought flees my head in one fell swoop.
�Geez, Ken, for someone so skinny, you�re awfully heavy,� Daisuke says from under me. I stare down at him, my eyes meeting his, and I feel a blush seeping across my face. What do I say? What do I do? Every fiber of my being aches to kiss him...
�Ken?�
His voice jolts me out of my thoughts and I slide off of him, sitting mute and paralyzed on the floor, berating my own stupidity. Kiss him, indeed! Do I want to destroy my most precious friendship with just a brush of my lips?