Disclaimer: Digimon and all characters don't belong to me (No duh.) The song "He doesn't See Me" is by Sarah Brightman and is also not mine. Sue me and I'll feed you to my ficus.
Author's Note: Just a quick note here. In case you weren't aware, this is a YAOI fic. Boys in love with other boys. If this offends you in any way, shape, or form, I advise you to stop reading now. You have been warned.
Ken's POV
Daisuke. The name fills me with warmth, and I used to wonder why. I understand now, though. I used to lay awake and ponder over my feelings for the bright-eyed boy who somehow managed to become my first and best friend. I still do.
When did I begin to love him? Ah, now there’s a hard question. I don’t know when it happened. It just...happened. Maybe I’ve always loved him. I don’t know. I’m watching him now, as he sits and makes a spectacle of himself, as usual, and I fall in love with him again. It’s hard to remember a time when I didn’t fall in love with him every time I looked at him.
Whenever Daisuke’s around, I feel so much better. I feel as if the shadows I’m mired in have parted for just a moment, kindly allowing the sun to shine through. I could close my eyes and bask in the warmth of his smile and, for just a moment, forget what I used to be. What I still am, to a degree.
I wish I could tell him what I was feeling. If I could put these thoughts into words that didn’t sound sappy or overly-romantic, just simple. But even if I found the words, would it matter? I’m not sure if Daisuke would ever even consider the possibility of beingwith another boy, least of all one like me. He lets me feel as if he’s forgotten what I was,but I know that’s only my perception. Some things can’t be forgotten, no matter how much someone cares about you.
I don’t know if he’s in love with Hikari. Yes, I know all about his crush. But that’s all a crush is, isn’t it? It’s just a sudden, impulsive feeling. That’s not love, right? He’s always staring at her, though, and trying to impress her.
Daisuke...why don’t you ever stare at me like that? I’m here. I wish, just once, that you would look at me in a way that’s more than a friend. When I open my eyes, all I see is you, Daisuke. Why don’t you ever seem to see me?
He’s so full of life, my Daisuke is. He can make anyone smile. I don’t think he’s as dumb as he acts. It’s just a mask, like mine in some ways, except that mine is to protectmy inner self. His is to protect the rest of us. How many times have I been upset, and he’smade some stupid comment or other that makes me laugh and forget my pain? How manytimes have we all been in a tight spot and he’s said something so utterly clueless that weall lose our fear and find laughter? Too many times to count.
No, Daisuke isn’t stupid. He knows just when his personality is needed. It might get him in trouble sometimes, but he’s still never at a loss for something to do or say. He’s the only one, besides Wormmon, who can make me smile and mean it.
It’s precisely that liveliness that makes him so untouchable to me, though. Part of me is afraid that my darkness will be too much for him to deal with. He’s been a good friend, but is he willing, or even capable, of being able to love me and not lose himself? I’m not like Daisuke. I’m not like Hikari, Takeru, Miyako, or even Iori. I sit in the shadows and be silent; I watch and I think, I don’t speak and shine.
Maybe that’s why you never see me, Daisuke. Have I hidden in the shadows so long that you’ve forgotten I’m here?
I wish I wasn’t the way I am. Maybe once upon a time I could have been a bright, open person who others want to befriend. But this is not a fairy tale, and I can’t change what I’ve become. I can’t be like you, Daisuke. I’m so quiet, so embarrassed that anything I say might be the wrong thing, so worried that my only friends will shun me....I’m not worthy of you, I know. It wouldn’t matter if this was once upon a time. But it isn’t, so it matters.
If I spoke more, I suppose I’d have more friends, and I wouldn’t be so worried about losing you. I could tell you how I feel if I had somewhere to turn to if you decided to hate me. No one else would understand, though, not like you do. Even my parents don’t know why I’m like this. That you know, and that you accept me for it, is part of the reason I’ve started to love you. I couldn’t bear to lose you now.
I would tell you if I wasn’t such a coward. Strange, isn’t it? The great Digimon Kaiser, now brought so low that he can’t even tell the one he loves of his feelings. I’m pathetic. It wouldn’t be so hard, to just go up to you and say what I’m feeling. Or maybe I could just touch your shoulder and give you a kiss when you turn around.
I won’t, of course. I’m too scared to ever do anything like that. Besides, one such as myself must never forget my place. I don’t deserve happiness. If I deserved it you’d notice me.
I wouldn’t have a chance even if I told you. Your eyes are trained on Hikari still. And Hikari is in many ways my opposite. She’s the Child of Light. She’s bright and happy. Everyone loves her, and everyone wants her light to shine upon them. Everyone except me.
I’m not an angel, Daisuke. I’m sorry. My wings were broken long ago. Now I’m only a wretched, earthbound creature who looks up and longs secretly for heaven. I sit in the shadows and yearn for the light. Have you ever noticed that no one pays attention to the shadows?
I’m still here, Daisuke. Even if you turn your eyes from me, I’m still here. I know that I’m not special anymore. I’m not a genius anymore, I’m not a star soccer player anymore, and I’m rarely in the spotlight. I know that I haven’t anything to offer you but love. I can’t even pay you back for the redemption you’ve given me. I know it’s foolish of me to hope that you’d give me anything more than you already have. I know this, but there’s a part of me that still doesn’t care.
You’re the one who found my heart. Without you, I’d have nothing but Wormmon and the remains of an empire. I had an empty heart, and you filled it every day. Every time I spoke to you, you gave me a little something of yourself. My heart is filled with you, with small smiles and the odd laugh, with silly comments and unending faith. I would do anything for you, Daisuke. I’d tell you all this and more, if only I could find the courage. But courage is your department, not mine. I have kindness...and in this case, kindness is no help at all.
I think....I think you’re my punishment as well as my redemption, Daisuke. You don’t deserve someone like me. I don’t deserve love from anybody at all. But--but is it all right if I just stay here and watch you? I like watching you. In my inner world of shadows, you’ve given me a thousand small suns with which to guard against the darkness. Every time it gets too deep and I get scared, you show up with another torch. I’ve got a thousand suns inside me, Daisuke. And every single one is slowly burning me to death.
Look at me, Daisuke. Please. Just tear your eyes away from the angel long enough to give her opposite a moment of joy. Even if you won’t look at me, I’ll still look at you. Even though I want to be more, I’m happy to be your friend. I’ll watch you for as long as it takes for you to read my heart in my eyes, even if it takes forever.
Even if my eyes are closed, Daisuke, I’ll see you. And I’ll wish that someday, you’ll close your eyes and see me.