‘It seemed like a good idea at the time’ has been used as an excuse for bad ideas since time immemorial. Many men have looked back on incorrect choices and uttered this statement.
Ken was now one of them.
He had thought that having Daisuke and Takeru in the Magic Users’ Club with him would be a good thing. They his friends, what could be bad?
The problem was, if there was one thing that Daisuke and Takeru had, it was confidence. A lot of confidence. Neither one had Ken’s severe self-assurance problem. Thus, their magic worked almost every time. And as Ken watched his friends become better and better magic users, his confidence got worse and worse. Once more, he was useless. Before he had been able to assure himself that he was getting better, now all he could see was that, in only a matter of days, Daisuke and Takeru appeared to have surpassed him. And as his self-confidence dropped, his spells worked less and less.
“You have to stop doubting yourself all the time, Ken,” Daisuke told him one day as the goggle boy transformed a bush into a hat. “I know that you’ve got some major power when it comes to magic. Remember what you did to Miyama?”
Ken did remember, if only because Miyama never let him forget it. Ever since the spell wore off, she made it her duty to insult, trip, or simply bother Ken every time she saw him.
Even worse, ever since the incident with the strange voice, Ken’s nightmares had returned with a vengeance. He woke up at least once every night, sweating, barely able to remember anything about his dreams save that they were terrifying. Minomon tried his best to comfort his partner, but there was only so much a little green pine cone could do.
Due to his current magic difficulties, Ken was regulated to an audience while Daisuke and Takeru practiced transformation spells. Not feeling confident enough to join them, Ken sat on a log and watched, his eyes dark.
It’s not fair, he thought. Is it too much to ask that I be good at something? Or is this part of my penance for once being good at everything?
“Are you all right?” Ken glanced up as Aburatsubo sat down beside him.
“Hmm? Oh, hai, I’m fine,” Ken lied. I’m just miserable, that’s all. He stared back out at his friends, his eyes resting on Daisuke.
He’s a natural, Ken thought sadly. So full of confidence and life. Daisuke doesn’t care if he’s not the best at anything, because he’s happy with who he is. Why can’t I be like that? Why can’t I just be happy with being me? Why do I have to hate who I am, as well as who I was?
“He’s very good.” Aburatsubo’s voice startled Ken out of his thoughts. The red- head had followed Ken’s gaze to Daisuke.
“Y-yeah, he is.” Ken lowered his eyes.
“Do you love him?” The question was so unexpected and so casually given that it took Ken by surprise.
“W-what?” he croaked, not unlike the toads he had once caused to fall from the sky.
“Motomiya.” Aburatsubo nodded his head towards Daisuke. “I’ve seen the way you watch him. You love him, don’t you?”
Ken was struck speechless. Love Daisuke? I don’t love Daisuke! I--I couldn’t! He’s just a friend, that’s all. But suddenly all he could see in his mind was Daisuke. The way his eyes sparkled when he laughed, the slightly roguish smile he always had on his face....Ken recalled how, whenever he was in trouble, Daisuke was always there, supporting him, reassuring him....
But that’s not love! Ken thought wildly. ....Is it? No! He shook his head. What are you thinking, Ichijouji? Daisuke’s another boy, I can’t be in love with another boy! And besides, he loves Hikari! I’m not in love with--with-- The thought dropped off. Aburatsubo put a hand on his shoulder.
“I understand how you feel,” he said. “I feel the same way about Takeo.”
“But I’m not in love with Daisuke,” Ken choked out. Why do I feel like I’m lying when I say that? What’s wrong with me?
“Of course not.” Aburatsubo’s tone and the smile he gave made it obvious that he didn’t believe Ken in the least.
“I don’t!” Ken leapt to his feet. I’m not in love with Daisuke! I’m not! He tried to voice his thoughts to Aburatsubo, but when he opened his mouth nothing came out. Sighing, he walked off and settled down in the shade of a tree, not even aware that the spot he had picked gave him a perfect view of his goggle-wearing friend.
“C’mon Ken, join us!” Daisuke waved him over. “It’s really fun. Takakura’s showing us how to turn flowers into rocks and stuff.” He smiled wickedly. “I’d turn Takeru into a rat, but Takakura says that if I did, I probably wouldn’t be able to turn him back. It takes a lot of magic to un-transform a human.”
“Mm-hmm.” Ken nodded, trying to look as if he didn’t care.
“Come on, Ken!” Daisuke said impatiently. “Are you just going to sit there and mope for the rest of your life? This is fun! Don’t you want to have fun?”
“Why bother?” Ken shrugged. “My magic probably won’t even work, anyway. What’s the point of trying?”
“If you don’t try, you’ll never know if you could’ve done it,” Daisuke said, as if that should be obvious. “It’s really easy, you’ll see. Come join us.”
His expression was so inviting that Ken nearly agreed. But the old timidity was still in him, and he shook his head.
“You sure, Ken?”
“I’m sure. Go have fun, Daisuke.” Ken watched his friend go with sad eyes. This is a problem that you just don’t understand, Daisuke. He hugged his knees to his chest. None of you understand, because none of you used to be perfect.
Ken shifted into a more comfortable position. He turned his wand over in his hand, wondering why he had even brought it with him. He closed his eyes and thought.
Daisuke says he’s learning transformation. Why can’t he transform me? I hate being this way. So weak, so unsure....This isn’t the person that I want to be. But I’m so afraid....afraid that if I stop being like I am, I’ll revert to the way I was. I don’t want to be a pushover, but I don’t want to be a tyrant either. It’s just that I’m too scared to look for a middle ground between the two.
Transform me, Daisuke. Make me into someone worthwhile....or, barring that, turn me into a rat like you planned to do to Takeru. Then at least nothing will be expected of me. I can live in ignorant, animal bliss, never worrying about the person I am or was.
Ken sighed, unaware that his wand was beginning to glow a soft purple.
I don’t deserve this life. I’m just a waste of space. I’ve never been someone worthwhile, never in my whole life. That’s why my parents always ignored me. Osamu was somebody.....but Ken? Ken isn’t worth a thing. Daisuke should just use me to practice his rat spell on.
“Ken? Hey, Ken, you okay?” Takeru noticed Ken sitting by himself. He came closer to the boy, then paused when he noticed the faint glow of Ken’s wand. “Ken?”
Suddenly, there was a bright flash of purple light. Ken’s eyes flashed open as Takeru cried out.
Daisuke, Aburatsubo, and Takakura came running over to where Ken had been sitting. The indigo-haired boy was crouched over something small and white.
“T-Takeru-san?” Ken breathed, staring at the little white rat, who gave him a baffled look. “What the heck did I do?”
Well, one part of his mind whispered. At least it wasn’t a toad this time.
True, the other part of his brain replied. But Yamato’s still going to kill you.
“Ichijouji!” Takakura’s voice snapped him out of his thoughts. “What did you do?”
“I don’t know!” Ken said. He found that he often said that whenever he did magic. “I was just sitting and thinking, and then I heard Takeru-san cry out and...this.” He pointed to the rat, who was giving Takakura a pleading look.
“So you didn’t recite a spell or anything?” Takakura asked.
“No. I was just thinking about what Daisuke said, about how he was going to transform Takeru-san into a rat, and....” Ken’s voice trailed off. “Is it possible to subconsciously cast a spell?”
“I’ve never seen it done, but I suppose it could be,” Takakura conceded. “We really need to work on your control, Ichijouji. That’s twice now you’ve accidentally cast a spell without using cards....and this time, things will be harder to fix. The group of us alone can’t do it.”
“Meaning we need more members?” Daisuke spoke up.
“Basically.....yeah.” Takakura nodded.
“No prob!” Daisuke smiled. “Me and Ken’ll just talk to our friends Hikari, Miyako and Iori. I’m sure they’ll help us!”
“Girls?!” Takakura’s face flushed red and he looked like he was about to get a nosebleed. Ken didn’t want to know what he was thinking. “Girls are good! We’ll meet you here tomorrow morning to fix Takaishi!”
Aburatsubo leaned over and put a hand around Takakura’s waist.
“I love it when you take charge,” he purred. Takakura dashed inside, leaving the red-head to stare after him. Aburatsubo shrugged, gave Ken a knowing look, and followed the other boy inside.
“What should we do with Takeru?” Daisuke wondered, staring down at the little rat.
“I’ll take him home with me.” Ken sighed. “I’m very sorry, Takeru-san. I didn’t mean to turn you into a rat.”
“Yamato’s gonna kill you, you know that don’t you?” Daisuke remarked. Ken gave him a dark look.
“Not if you don’t tell him about this,” Ken warned. “I’d rather not be pounded into a bloody pulp, thank you very much.”
Takeru squeaked something that neither of them could understand, but that sounded quite sarcastic.
“I said I was sorry!” Ken told him. “I really didn’t mean to turn you into a rat.” He sighed, running a hand through his hair. “When did I become such a walking disaster area?”
“C’mon, Ken, it was an accident!” Daisuke tried to cheer him up. “I make them all the time!”
“But you never turned one of your friends into a small white mammal,” Ken replied. “Or made it rain toads.”
“Stop beating yourself up about that, Ken.” Daisuke put a comforting arm around his shoulder. “You’ll get the hang of it eventually.”
“Yeah....eventually.” Ken scooped up Takeru and stared at him mournfully. “I just hope for your sake and everyone else’s that eventually comes sooner rather than later.”
Explaining Takeru’s condition to his mother took only a small bit of work on Ken’s part. He called Ms. Takaishi and asked if Takeru could spend the night at his house, and luckily she had agreed without asking to speak with her son.
“Well, no one can say you were lying,” Daisuke said to Ken as the two were walking home. Ken was carrying Takeru in a shoebox lined with cotton wads. He had to admit that the rat looked quite comfortable. “He is going to be spending the night at your house.”
“Somehow, I doubt that this is what she was expecting,” Ken said. He glanced at the street signs. “We’re almost at Miyako-san’s apartment.”
“Okay.” Daisuke nodded. “I’ll take care of explaining things to Hikari and Iori. You sure you’re up to talking with Miyako?”
“I’ll be fine.” Ken sighed for what had to be the millionth time within the hour and glanced back down at Takeru. “At least I’ve got a visual aid.”
He could have sworn that the rat was glaring at him.
Ken stood in front of the door to Miyako’s apartment, shifting nervously from foot to foot.
Maybe I should have let Daisuke handle this, he thought. Takeru squeaked something, and Ken gave him a weak smile.
“I don’t know what you’re saying,” he murmured. “But it sounded encouraging. Well, here goes nothing.” Squaring his shoulders, he knocked on the door. There were noises from inside, then a boy with glasses opened the door.
“H-hello,” Ken stammered, trying to hide Takeru from view. “I’m looking for Miyako-san.” The boy nodded and turned around.
“Miyako! One of your friends is here!”
“Huh?” Miyako peered out of her bedroom. Her eyes alighted on Ken, and she smiled widely. “Oh, hi Ken-kun! Come in.” She walked over to him and practically dragged him inside. “What are you doing here?”
“Uh....there’s something I need to talk to you about.” Ken glanced at Miyako’s sibling-littered living room. “Alone.”
“All right.” Miyako gave him a confused look, but led him into her bedroom nonetheless. Poromon was sitting on her bed, taking a nap. Miyako sat down next to him and took the little Digimon into her arms.
“So what’s wrong?” she asked. “Is there something up in the Digital World?”
“No, nothing like that.” Ken held out the shoebox for her to see. “It’s this.”
“Hmm?” Miyako peered inside, then screamed. “Eeeeeee! It’s a rat! Get it away!”
“It’s Takeru-san,” Ken told her.
“I don’t care what you named it, get it away!”
“You don’t understand,” Ken said. “It’s Takeru-san. Our friend. You know, Yamato-san’s brother? The one with the hat?”
“Excuse me?” Miyako was looking more lost by the second, and Ken couldn’t say that he blamed her. The situation was rather complicated.
“Takeru-san has been turned into a rat,” Ken said, summing it up as simply as he knew how.
“W-what? How?’ Miyako seemed to have gotten over her fear and was now peering with interest at the small white rodent. “Was it some new Digimon?”
“Not exactly.” Ken’s face flushed red with embarrassment. “Actually, it was.... well, it was me. I did it.” Miyako stared at him. “It was an accident!” Ken added hurriedly.
“I am so lost right now,” Miyako murmured.
“It’s a bit of a long story....” Ken began. He quickly told her everything that had happened since he joined the Magic Users’ Club, ending with the need for her help.
“I’m still not quite sure I know what’s going on,” Miyako said when he had finished. “But I’ll help you. After all, Takeru’s my friend, too....and so are you, and I wouldn’t want Yamato to kill you.”
“Why does everyone have to keep saying that?” Ken rolled his eyes. “Daisuke’s promised me not to breathe a word of this to Yamato-san.” He paused. “You won’t tell him, will you?” He sounded so worried that Miyako had to laugh.
“Don’t worry, Ken-kun!” she giggled. “I’m not going to tell him. I like you just the way you are....with your face intact.” Ken gave a sigh of relief.
“Thank you so much, Miyako-san.” He stood. “I’d better get going. See you tomorrow morning behind the school?”
“I’ll be there,” Miyako promised, walking him to the door. “Good luck with your new house guest!” She laughed again and waved to him.
Ken gave Miyako a small smile and left.
When he finally got home, Ken was careful not to let his parents see Takeru. He didn’t think he could give them a good reason why he had brought a white rat home from school.
“Ken-chan?” Minomon’s sleepy voice greeted him as he entered his room. Ken glanced up to smile at the little Digimon sitting on his bed. Minomon floated down to examine the shoebox. “What’s this?”
“Takeru-san,” Ken replied. “I accidentally turned him into a rat.” Minomon knew all about Ken’s involvement in the Magic Users Club. Ken never could keep a secret from his partner.
“Really?” Minomon peered in the box. Takeru blinked up at him, and the Digimon waved brightly. “Hi, Takeru!” The rat sweatdropped.
“I wonder how Daisuke did convincing Hikari and Iori,” Ken murmured, wandering over to pick up his D-Terminal. “Yup, he sent me an e-mail. Let’s see : ‘Ken -- Talked to Hikari and Iori, and they both agreed to help. Iori isn’t too happy with you. Oh, and you’d better be careful. Yamato was visiting with Taichi when I went to see Hikari and he heard me--” Ken stopped reading and gulped as his mother’s voice floated in from the hall.
“Ken honey! One of your friends is here to see you!”
I am so dead. I am oh so very dead.
Someone knocked on his door. Ken gulped and went to open it.
Please be Daisuke...please be Daisuke... he thought wildly. Hands shaking slightly, he pulled the door open....to reveal Yamato, standing with his arms crossed and a deceptively calm look on his face.
“Y-Yamato-san, how nice to see you,” Ken stuttered.
“Calm down, Ken, I’m not going to hurt you,” Yamato assured him, stepping inside and closing the door behind him. “Well, as long as you fix Takeru, I’m not going to hurt you.”
“That would be a lot more reassuring if he hadn’t just closed the door and cut off my escape route,” Ken informed him. Before Yamato could reply, there was a muffled noise from the backpack that the blonde was wearing. After a moment, Patamon poked his head out.
“Where’s Takeru?” the Digimon questioned eagerly.
“Over here.” Minomon waved him over. Patamon peered into the shoebox.
“Wow, is that really you, Takeru?” he asked. The rat squeaked something and Patamon smiled, looking down at his partner with interest. Yamato walked over to join the Digimon.
“You okay, Takeru?” The rat shrugged in a ‘more or less’ type of gesture. “That’s good. Daisuke was pretty scared that I was going to rearrange Ken’s face something awful.”
“Can you blame him?” Ken grumbled, still a little nervous. “I turned your brother into a rat, for God’s sake!”
“Accidents happen.” Yamato gave him an encouraging smile. “You don’t need to look so worried, Ken. I promised both Daisuke and Taichi that I wouldn’t harm a hair on your head.”
“What about the rest of my body?” Ken asked archly, and Yamato laughed.
“Don’t worry. I just stopped by to check on Takeru myself and to bring Patamon. We figured he might get upset when Takeru didn’t come home.” Yamato paused, then glanced over his shoulder at the rat and the two Digimon. Upon seeing that they were occupied, he leaned closer to Ken and said in a soft voice, “So how are things going between you and Daisuke?” Ken’s eyes widened.
“W-what do you mean?” he stammered.
“Don’t play dumb, Ken.” Yamato put his hands on his hips. “I’ve seen the way you act around Daisuke. It’s just the same way I used to act around Taichi before I told him. You’re obviously attracted to Daisuke.”
“I-I am not!” Ken snapped, a little louder than he had intended. Patamon and Minomon glanced briefly up at him, then Patamon went back to talking to Takeru. Ken made a slight ‘not now’ gesture to Minomon, who nodded and turned his interest back to the shoebox.
“Come on, Ken, you can’t fool someone who’s been there before,” Yamato stated. “The others don’t see it because they didn’t live it. But I remember what it was like, and so to me it’s obvious. The way you look whenever Daisuke’s name is mentioned, the way you blush when he smiles at you....I recognize all of it, because that was me two years ago.”
“Just because you’re in love with Taichi doesn’t mean I’m in love with Daisuke,” Ken argued vehemently. “I can be best friends without someone without being in love with them, you know!”
“You’re lying, and you know it,” Yamato stated. “It’s written all over your face, and that speaks louder than any words.”
“I--I--” Ken didn’t know what else to say. First Aburatsubo, now Yamato? Why does everyone keep thinking that I have a crush on Daisuke? I don’t....I couldn’t..... It’s not natural for boys to be in love with other boys, especially when that other boy is your best friend. He shook his head and found his voice. “I am not in love with Daisuke.” Yamato shrugged.
“You can only lie to yourself for so long, Ken.” He put a comforting hand on the boy’s shoulder. “You don’t have to be afraid of what you’re feeling. I used to tell myself that I didn’t love Taichi, but eventually I found that I couldn’t do it anymore. I’ve stopped lying to myself, and now I’m happier than I’ve ever been in my life.” Yamato turned away and looked over at the two Digimon one the desk. “Patamon, you staying here with Takeru?”
“Yup!” Patamon nodded.
“Okay. See you tomorrow little bro’. Hopefully without fur and whiskers. Bye Ken.” Giving Ken one last, penetrating look, Yamato left. Ken stared after him, full of questions.
That night, Ken couldn’t sleep. He lay awake, staring at the ceiling and thinking about what Yamato and Aburatsubo had said to him. Did they just think that he was in love with another boy because they were? Or was it because they were in love with someone of the same gender that they were able to recognize something that he didn’t recognize himself?
“Ken-chan?” Minomon said sleepily. “Are you okay? What’s wrong?”
Ken’s eyes moved nervously over to the desk, where Patamon slept curled up next to Takeru’s shoebox. In the dark, it was hard to tell if the rat was asleep or not.
“I’ll tell you tomorrow,” Ken replied. He rolled over and closed his eyes, letting his confused thoughts be carried away on the tide of sleep.
He was floating somewhere. It was rather nice, this floating. Calm and sweet, no worries....Ken closed his eyes and let the water carry him. He thought of happy times, of himself and Wormmon and Daisuke and V-Mon, all laughing together and having fun. It made him smile.
“Are you so happy, little boy?” The mocking voice shocked him awake. Ken floundered for a moment in the water, trying to regain his balance. He wanted to ask who was speaking, but his voice wouldn’t work. He was suddenly cold and numb, as if he had been swimming in the Arctic.
“You are still mine,” the voice continued. “You think that your brown-eyed friend will save you from me? You have been mine from the start, my dear Kaiser. You can’t escape yourself.”
Ken wanted to scream, but water rushed into his lungs, silencing him. No longer floating, he was drowning....
....the world was falling away and he couldn’t stop it....
Something was pulling him under the water, and he couldn’t breathe....
“Daisuke,” he choked out, his voice sounding hollow in his ears. “Daisuke I’m drowning....please, Daisuke....save me....”
The waters closed over his head, and all was darkness and despair.
“NO!” Ken sat straight up in bed, panting. His hair was limp with sweat, and his eyes were wide and frightened.
“Ken-chan! Ken-chan, what is it? Did you have a nightmare?” Minomon was immediately in his arms.
“Are you okay?” Patamon glanced up at him, having been startled awake by Ken’s cry. Takeru emitted a soft, questioning squeak.
“It--it was nothing,” Ken panted, hugging Minomon tightly to his chest. “Just a bad dream, that’s all. Go back to sleep, everybody. I’m sorry for waking you.”
Ken lay down again, but his eyes remained open and staring. He stayed that way for most of the night, his own words whispering to him from the shadows.
“I’m drowning...”
The next day, Ken met everyone in front of the school. Daisuke and Miyako were leaning sleepily on each other, while Hikari was trying and failing to stifle a yawn. Iori was giving Ken his best disapproving glare, and Takakura was trying to explain the spell to them while fending off advances from Aburatsubo. When Daisuke’s sleepy eyes fastened on Ken, he came awake at once and ran forward.
“Ken! Man, you had me worried for a sec. I thought Yamato might have really killed you or something!”
“Don’t worry,” Ken assured him with a slight smile. “I’m still intact.” Takeru squeaked impatiently and Daisuke laughed.
“I think that’s his way of telling us to get on with it,” he chuckled. Daisuke made a face at the rat. “What’s wrong, Takeru? Cat got your tongue?” He started laughing like an idiot, while Takeru fixed him with the best acidic glare a rat can muster.
“You realize that, by helping us, you are now official members of the club,” Takakura said to the three newcomers, but mostly to Hikari and Miyako. Miyako gave him a hard look.
“I don’t like the way you’re looking at me,” she said warningly.
“Miyako!” Hikari said sharply. She gave Takakura a kind smile. “We wouldn’t mind joining. From what Takeru’s told me, it sounds like a lot of fun.”
“Yay!” Daisuke whooped. “Hikari’s gonna be in the Magic Club!” Ken felt his heart sink, but he wasn’t sure why.
“Can we get started?” Iori’s serious voice broke in. “I need time to get to my school after we’re done.”
“Oh, right.” Takakura positioned everyone in a circle around Takeru. They all raised their wands as the club president recited the spell. “Imiote Hidehura Misei!”
There was a moment’s pause, then Aburatsubo’s wand glowed, followed closely by Daisuke’s. Hikari’s burst to life a moment later, then Iori’s. Miyako’s face scrunched up in concentration, and finally her wand glowed.
For once, Ken didn’t close his eyes. He stared straight at Daisuke, whose eyes were closed, and let his mind go blank, allowing his heart to shine through. His wand glowed a brilliant purple. Ken’s startled gasp was lost to the howling wind as the magic fused together and flew straight at Takeru.
There was a clap of thunder and a flash of light punctuated by a frantic squeaking, and then Takeru stood in the center of the circle, looking a bit wind-ruffled but none the worse for wear.
“We did it, we did it!” Daisuke bounced around energetically.
“How do you feel, Takeru?” Hikari asked her friend, taking him hand. Daisuke noticeably wilted.
“A little sore, but otherwise all right.” Takeru turned to Ken, who was standing on the edge of the circle with a strange look in his eyes. “Hey, Ken, you okay?”
“Hmm?” Ken looked startled, then nodded. “I’m okay. Are you all right? I’m really sorry for--”
“It’s okay,” Takeru waved a hand airily at him. “I’m fine, and that’s all that matters.”
They said good-bye to Iori, who headed off towards the Junior High, then started to go inside the high school. Daisuke paused on the steps, turning to see Ken, who hadn’t moved.
“Ken? You coming?” The pale boy gave him a strange, inscrutable look before shaking his head.
“I’m fine. You go ahead, I’ll be there in a minute.” Daisuke shrugged and headed inside. Ken stared after him with haunted eyes. His heart was pounding wildly in his chest, and he could feel every beat as if it were an explosion. His eyes were locked on the spot where Daisuke had been standing.
Oh my God....I think I may be in love with my best friend.