Monday Night Elsewhere

Hunter's lips are on my neck as I throw my cell phone in the general direction of my bag. I'm even reaching for him as his words stop me short.

"Well, you didn't call him a dumb prick this time. I'm proud of you."

Give me a minute here. I'm fairly sure I was just insulted. By Mr-Don't-rock-the-boat-Levesque, no less.

"Insulting him never worked before."

Not much of a come back I know. I'm still wrestling with the implied insult I could have sworn was below Hunter - at least to his way of thinking.

"That never stopped you before."

Okay, now I'm sure I'm being insulted.

Turning enough to make Hunt surrender his grip on me, I quickly step back. Before he can reach for me, I step right away.

"If you're trying to tell me something Hunter, please, just say it."

The hands that were reaching for me are now scrubbing over his face and through his hair. I know the man in front of me better than most everybody else on the planet, and I just know the next words out of his mouth will be meant to calm me. Avoiding confrontation is one of Hunter's specialities.

Guess what, Hunt baby? I'm not going to let you this time.

"Sean, I'm not sure-"

"Say it, Hunter. You know, you think of words, you open your mouth and out they come. Uncensored and everything."

If I could actually take a step back from all of this I'd notice two things. One: I'm mad. Don't know where it came from, but I'm out and out furious. And two: Hunter looks green, a lovely shade of lime green in fact. Taking whatever has pissed me off out on Hunter isn't a good idea, and normally I'd know that. He just doesn't have the mentality necessary to give me a good fight just for the hell of it.

Hunter. For all his impressive build he just can't let words roll off him, they cut and they cut to the quick.

My brain knows this is a bad idea. Unfortunately, my brain isn't the one is charge at the moment.

"C'mon, Hunter, be a big boy. You can do it."

You know, if I can goad him a little more I might get a damn good fight out of him yet.

Might not have a lover at the end of it, though.

Somehow that thought doesn't exactly register.

"Please kid, can we not do this? I did have something else in mind."

Strangely enough, so did I.

There's a little listened to voice in my brain fairly screaming *Don't do this.*

Yeah. Whatever.

"No, Mr. Big Bad Triple H." Okay, just for the record when I start with the hyphenated running together names, it's never a good sign. "You started this and, for once in your adult life, you are going to finish this!"

Somewhere off in the distance part of me is watching this whole scene unfold and cringing as Hunter stoops, like he's lowering himself to my level both mentally and physically. And even then, this doesn't register as a truly bad idea.

"Why Sean? Why do I have to finish this? For fucks sake, I don't even want to start it!"

"Maybe you should have thought about that before you let fly with the insults, Darling Hunter."

Oh great. I'm already snarling, and Hunter is already flinching like the words are razor blades. I wonder who I'll be rooming with tonight.

"What insult, kid? You always call Kevin a dumb prick when he manages to fuck up with Scott, whether he deserves it or not I might add. We can't all have such a stellar insight in to what goes through a recovering drug addict cum alcoholic's mind! For Christ's sake Sean, some of us actually choose to face our problems!"

You I never expected that I'd be the one checking for blood, coming from me at least, but I am. My hands go across my stomach, knowing it's laid open and the blood is flowing.

Looking at Hunter's face, he is beyond that shade of lime green now, and lost in the effort its taking him to hold his lunch down.

See, I told you this was a truly bad idea.

"Sean, baby, I don't... I can't... Baby, I'm so sorry."

Of all the ways I could have planned this going, not one of them involved Hunter having to say he's sorry. Notice the phrase 'having to.' I mean I knew Hunter would say it at some point. For crying out loud, he apologises if someone says it's raining.

And it's too fucking late to turn back now.

"Sorry Hunter? Why the fuck are you sorry? I'm the bitch with the problem, remember? Oh I'm sorry, of course you remember, I must have wasted the better part of the mid nineties for you!"

Hunter's still standing where he was when all this started, over in the corner of the dressing room, near our bags and the bench. Fuck, were we really about to make love? Me, I've stomped from one end of the room to the other and all points in between. I'm still pacing, my arms are still wrapped around my mid-section. Maybe that's his clue that he really drew blood that time.

"C'mon Sean! You're nobody's bitch and you know it! And you had a problem, it's been gone for so long-"

Okay, on a scale of 1 to 10 of the wrong things to say, that's about a 100.

"Wrong, Hunter. In fact, you have no idea exactly how fucking wrong!"

Suddenly, I don't have the need for this fight any more, my hearts not in it. Mainly because I feel like it's been ripped out and stomped into the floor. Can't say I didn't ask for it, though.

But there's enough left in me to make Hunter feel like I do. Never once did I claim to be a pleasant little prick when I'm in this kind of mood. I want him raw and bleeding, I want him flayed open and laying on the floor.

And of course the whole time I'm thinking this, I'm also thinking I want to curl up in his arms for the next week or so.

I'm walking towards him now, and I know he's thinking I'm coming to him, but my bag is by his feet, remember? My voice is far too quiet, with all together too much control.

"Paul?"

Oh fuck when I hit below the belt, I go straight for the balls. There's only one time when he's Paul, and believe me this ain't it.

He smiling gently and starting to reach for me when I finish the sentence.

"I have a problem, I will always have a problem, but lucky you, it's no longer your problem."

I grab my bag, pivot and I'm out the door before he even knows what hit him. I'm listening to him vomit as I walk away.

~*~

Of course, I barely get down two corridors before I'm on my knees and whimpering.

Oh and I have truly fucked up this time.

I couldn't have taken the 5 minutes needed to go and find Glenn, now could I? Glenn gives as good as he gets then shakes himself and asks me if I feel better when it's finished. I usually do.

Oh no. I had to take an anger I don't understand out on Hunter. The one person who could never understand.

Okay, up you get Waltman, you've got something to do before you get the fuck out of here.

The door I want is only half a dozen steps away, and as I'm knocking I'm praying *please don't let me be interrupting something, the smell of sex and love would kill me right about now.*

Jess answers and thankfully he's clothed.

"Hey kid!"

The smile on his face and in his voice quickly fades. Oh yeah, I'm the joy killer tonight, that's for sure.

"I was gonna ask if you were alright, but you most certainly ain't alright."

Jess is grabbing for my arm to pull me into the dressing room he has all to himself, except for Billy, who's technically not back yet. But as usual I'm quicker than Jess, and well and truly out of his reach before he can make contact.

"I'm fine, Jess."

Oh yeah he's really going to buy that, but I press ahead anyway.

"I just need you to do me a couple of favours." I hand him my bag minus my wallet and cell which I shove in my fanny pack, "Can you keep this for me?"

Jess grabs it even as he is shaking his head and muttering, "Why?"

I've gotten so good at ignoring voices I don't wanna hear tonight.

I'm still staying out of Jess' reach and forcing the words from my mouth, "Can you check on Hunter for me? We sort of had a fight, he's gonna need you to take care of him, Jess, please?"

"Fight?! What the fuck are you talking about? Kid?! Sean! Waltman, you fucking prick!"

But even as Jess is yelling I'm off running, out of the corridor, out of the arena, out of the way. Past the harsh lighting so that the dark within me can surround me as well.

And finally, having no idea where I am, I start to walk. And think.

Oh, and like thinking sometime before now might not have been half an idea?

The first thought I can untangle from the 200 or so running around my brain is about Scotty.

I think right now I'd give my left leg to be able to ring him, and then I'd calmly give my right for hurting him by making him think I was checking up on him. I could say I just wanted to talk to him, to hear his voice, to have him tell me he loves me, but then I'd have to admit to the fight Hunter and I just had. And I will not add to Scott's pain, not ever again.

I know how guilty Scott feels about the whole neck thing, I've held him while he's cried about it so many times. He just won't listen when I tell him he isn't to blame, that belongs to Zybisco alone.

One thing I thank god Scott's never become aware of is my guilt.

My guilt that I was weak enough for Zybisco to take out in the first place. My guilt for leaving him with Kevin, the two of them both so clueless and alone. Kev loves him like no other person on earth or in heaven, but Scott always seems to think that leaning on Kevin means weakness and Kevin just won't give him the smacking he sometimes not only needs, but deserves. Love means never wanting to hurt somebody, right?

Right?

Oh fuck.

Of everything I've thrown at Hunter, everything my brain has thrown at me, how did I manage to forget I love Hunter? With everything I was, everything I am and everything I hope that some day I will be. How could I let some stupid need to strike out at somebody make me forget that?

And why did I suddenly feel the need to draw blood in the first place?

And why is the earth round, and why is Shawn's ego rounder? I might as well try and solve all the mysteries of the universe while I'm at it.

I've stopped walking now. I'm curled up under some tree, the over hang completely blocking me from view. I fail to notice the dampness seeping it's way through my jeans, or the fact I'm shivering. I want to go back to the motel; I want to be on my knees, crawling to Hunter and begging for forgiveness all the way. But I pretty well shot my chance at getting what I want right to hell.

Christ, and I have the fucking nerve to call Kevin a dumb prick.

If I can do that to the love of my life, lord help Jericho next time he fucks something up.

I'm tired, so fucking tired.

This is a good as place as any to sleep, I guess. Vaguely I know I'm already asleep when Hunter appears to take me in his arms, keeping me safe, from everybody. Including myself.

~*~

Three things wake me before I'm ready to face myself. The birds that live in the tree I'm still under, Jess screaming 'Sean' from somewhere, and my cell, which I could have sworn I turned off.

Oh fucking brilliant, it's Shawn.

"Yeah Michaels. I'm here."

"And where the fuck is here you asshole? I've spent the last 4 hours calming Hunter down. Answers Sean, and I want them now."

"Can't give answers when I don't know the questions, Michaels."

Oh yeah and pulling the smart cunt trick is going to work so well at the moment.

"Fine, you little prick."

I really hate it when Shawn starts snarling.

"You want questions, here goes. What the fuck did you say to Hunter?"

You know, this might have been easier if you'd started with another question, like the workings of nuclear fusion maybe.

"We had an argument Shawn. Surely you and the angelic Becca have done that once or twice."

You know if I get out of this with any of my friends talking to me it'll be a major miracle.

"No Waltman, you did not have an argument. That would mean there had to a reason behind what ever happened, and you looking for a fight isn't a fucking reason!"

I really have no clue how to come back at that and that's gotta be a first.

So I'll just sit here. And wait. Shawn will have something else to say. Right about-

"Sean, what's wrong?"

And up until this exact point I was even fooling myself.

"Shawn?" Okay, my voice doesn't usually break like that.

"What, kid?" And Shawn's voice doesn't usually gentle like that.

"Is he okay?"

"How do you want me to answer that? No, never mind. You're a big boy and you get the truth whether you can handle it or not."

Gee thanks Shawn, maybe I would have preferred a little sugar coating.

"What ever you said kid, and no he wouldn't tell me, you aim was spot on. For four hours now, I've listen to him cry and lord knows, Hunter does not do that well. All I've managed to get out of him is that he somehow fucked everything with you up."

"His fault? What's his fault?"

"Kid, I'm lord knows how many states way. I absolutely suck at doing this whole 'put back together' thing in person, let alone over the phone. I don't whose fault what is, but I do know you well enough to know despite what ever Hunter thinks, you and that tongue of yours are the main instigators. Jess is out looking for you, by the way."

I mutter "I know" without even thinking about it.

"Then for fucks sake Sean, let him find you and take you back to Hunter."

"It's my fault Shawn, always my fault, I hurt him, I keep hurting him. I don't wanna keep doing that!"

"So don't."

"Fuck you Michaels."

"Kid, when are you finally going to get it? No, Hunter can't cope with your tongue when it's dipped in acid, to be honest with you, none of us can. We do it, but we don't like it. Baby, you're too quick, too smart, your aim is too true. You know just what not to say and how not to say it. Mortals like us don't stand a chance. But give Hunter half a shot, Sean. He loves you, always has always will. He knows that this part of you lives, and he also appreciates the hell out of the fact he doesn't see it all that often. Whatever was said matters, but it's not everything. Everything is you and Hunter, Sean, don't fuck it up. You need the other half of you to function, kid, remember that."

I can see Jesse now; I need him to get back to Hunter. I've got something else to do first though.

"Thanks Shawn. Not just for this minute, but for being there for Hunter tonight, last month, last year. You're a good man Michaels, and fuck anybody who says different. I love you. I forget to tell you sometimes, sorry. I gotta go, Jesse is almost past my tree."

"Tree? No, forget I asked. I love you too kid, now go to Hunter. He needs you Sean."

Crawling out from under the branches, my voice breaks as I call out to Jesse, but even then he hears me. He's beside me before I can stand up right, helping me.

"Take me home Jesse."

"Kid?"

He looks worried as in 'what have I drunk or snorted' worried.

"Pennsylvania kid, remember? This ain't home."

"Take me to Hunter, Jesse, Hunter is home."

~*~

Leaning into Jesse, for the whole walk back to his car, one thing becomes perfectly clear. Well, two actually. One: I am now more than damp, everything I'm wearing is wet through. And two: I would never have found my way out of here by myself.

As he slides me into the passenger seat I curl up on myself as much as the seat belt will allow. All of a sudden I'm cold, wet and scared. I know what Shawn said, but it wouldn't be the first time he's gotten the wrong end of the stick. What if Hunter has had enough, of me and of us?

That little-listened to voice is trying to speak up again, something about listening next time. But I just don't want to hear it.

Before I'm even aware we've left the car park, we're pulling into the motel. Jesse is trying to stop me from getting out, like he's still worried about me and what I've put into my blood stream.

Just before I slam the door, I turn to face him.

"I'm fine Jesse honest, fine and clean. I just really need to see Hunter and deal with whatever the out come is going to be. Now. Before I do start needing all the dutch courage I can inhale."

With a flick of my wrist the door is shut, and my cold wet body is on its way to the 6th floor.

When I get to the door, something, most likely my own insecurity, makes me stand there. I do and I don't want to go inside.

But what it all boils down to is, I have to go inside. I've got maybe 10 minutes before these passageways start to come alive with the early risers and late coming homers. I don't really wanna explain why I'm standing out side my room and soaking wet to half the fed.

A few quick movements and I'm in. Though I'm staring at the carpet rather than meet those hazel eyes that couldn't hide a thing, they just don't know how.

Okay. I can do this.

Slowly I walk towards Hunter and to where he's curled up in the bed. The covers are high around his neck like they can protect him from all evil, or maybe just me. Suddenly I'm forgetting that I'm cold and wet. I need to fix more than I need the warmth.

I look up, finally meeting those eyes; and I wish I hadn't. They're shattered.

And some how I am going to put them back together, even if it's only so I can leave when I'm finished.

I'll never figure out how I ended up on my knees, but here I am. Too scared to actually reach out and touch him, but doing my best to hold his gaze.

My arms are laid out in front of me, my hands clasped and looking for all the world like I'm praying. Which of course I am, I just haven't figured out what for yet.

"Hey Baby."

This would be so much easier if I could just touch him, but the fear of having him pulling away from me is just too strong.

It might also be easier if he blinked just to let me know he was alive in there.

"I don't know what to say Hunt, sorry doesn't even begin to cover it, but there's no other word I can use."

"What happened Sean?"

Okay I hate that monotone whimper of Hunter's, I hate knowing that I made it even more.

"What exactly do you want to hear Hunter?"

"I don't want 'to hear' anything. I want the truth. I have no idea what happened Sean, can you try and understand that, please? I know for some reason you had to get rid of some crap after you got off the phone to Kevin. I don't understand where it came from because you were fine while you were talking to Kevin. I don't get it Sean, please make me understand."

"I don't know if I can baby, but I can try. It's not much, but can you accept that?"

The nod's there, it's barely a movement but it's there.

"Start with the anger I level at the pricks Scott and Kev work for, then add the frustration at Kevin, which I know is irrational. What makes it more fucked is that I also meant what I said tonight, he and Scott would never have survived five minutes if Kev had travelled the same path as Scott. See, I told you I couldn't explain it."

And I am doing a spectacular job at fucking this up. But backing out now will cost me more than I'm prepared to pay.

"Maybe I get so frustrated with Kevin because it is so clear to me. I forget, I suppose, that for everything to be so clear, you have to have been truly lost in the dark."

And why do I think that with every word that comes out of my mouth I just make things worse? Much much worse.

"The only way I can explain this baby, is to give you my thoughts and I have no idea how to do that. I know Kevin always gets it in the end. Maybe I just wish he'd realise that kicking Scotty in the ass every now and then doesn't mean he loves him any less. He needs to be in his face, not giving him space."

By the time I'm finished, my head is face down, resting in my arms. It's Hunter's tear choked voice that brings it back up again.

"Think of how I feel, Sean. I see you getting pissed at Kevin for not understanding, and all I can think is how am I any different? I don't understand any of it! Look how badly I screwed up tonight! How can you not feel the same frustration with me?"

Just when I think this last 24 hour time period can't get any worse.

I kneel up a little ways so my praying hands can reach just a bit closer to Hunter.

How could I fail to see that? How could I not feel the pain that I've inflicted on Hunter? The fact that I've done it blindly actually only makes it worse.

Well, I doubt I'll be calling Kevin a dumb anything any more.

It takes everything I have to hold my voice steady.

And even then I do a pretty abysmal job.

"I don't know what to say, I just can't form the words to tell you how I wish I could take back every minute you've ever felt like that and let you live them again. Sorry doesn't even make it to the starting line. But tonight, you had to fight back tonight baby, I could never hold that against you."

"But what did I say that was so wrong? You've been clean for long. "

Tears are streaming down Hunter's face as he quietly whispers, "I never want to hurt you like that again. Please baby, help me?"

He takes a shuddering breath, then continues. So do the tears.

"Why do you have to be everything to all of us, Sean? Why can't you admit sometimes that you're confused, frustrated. Scared. Even if it is just to me. I wouldn't love you any less."

Hunter's waiting for my to say something now, and all I can do is watch the tears track down his face.

Fuck this should be easier, but I do so need to say this next bit. Almost as much as Hunter needs to hear it.

"I will admit to being scared beyond the words I can use to explain right now, if that's any help. But first, you really need to hear something. Yes I'm clean Hunter; we can both name the date of my last hit to the hour. But Scotty isn't the only recovering drug addict baby - I am too. You may not understand why, please god may you never understand why. But this is something I'm not going to be cured from. Ever. I am a drug addict, Hunter. I always will be. I will always have this problem. You can never separate me from Scott, we will always be one in the same. The fact that Scott has fallen and I haven't, so far, doesn't mean a thing."

I see the light dawning in Hunter's eyes as he says, "And we, me, all of us forget that, don't we?"

I'm not aware of exactly when I've started shaking in the last 5 minutes, with repressed fear and with cold. I see Hunter's hand reaching for me; with out really realising that this means he will touch me. I flinch as his hand strokes across my ear, then under my hair to settle around my neck. But I'm not flinching away from Hunter, but at the reverence he's touching me with. I'm not this precious, I don't deserve this.

"Fuck Sean, your skin's like ice!"

Then his hand drifts lower onto my back.

"And you clothes are soaking wet."

He's moving before I can say anything, the bed covers drift to his waist and while I'm staring, he's coming towards me.

"Off with the clothes Sean. Now."

And while I do hear him and I am moving, obviously I don't move quick enough for him, because my hands are battered away as first my shirt goes flying, then I'm being tugged up to standing by gentle hands and my jeans and boxers hit the floor. Those same hands then push me to sit on the bed, and just the site of Hunter on his knees before me, fumbling with my shoes, does what nothing else has managed to do tonight.

It humbles me.

When Hunter looks up after removing my shoes, the tears have started and they won't stop.

All I know then is Hunter. Hunter's arms around me, pulling me to lay with him in the bed. Hunter's heat surrounding me and thawing the parts I didn't even know were frozen. Hunter's tears mingling with mine. And Hunter's words.

"Where is it written you have to everything to all of us? Where is it written the four of us get to be human and you have to be superman? Baby, in future, please don't wait for us to realise that. If nothing else, I think Kevin and I proved pretty spectacularly tonight that that's not going happen all that quickly. Make us understand! Why is it given that we will always love Scott no matter how many times he shows he's only human, and yet you seem to think that for you to be worthy of us, of me, you have to be perfect? I love you! You! All of you! I loved you in 95 and I love you now. God forbid, but should you fall by the way side tomorrow I will stop, pick you up, then hold your hand while we walk the next bit together. And I will love you each step of the fucking way!"

By the time Hunter's piece has been said, I'm back to shaking, only this time it's with tears. All the while I whispering, "I love you, I'm sorry, thank you," so that they run together forming one constant thought.

And this time, even as I drift towards sleep, I know I'm not dreaming as I feel Hunter arms, keeping me safe, from everybody.

Including myself.

Back to Kliq Fic Index

Back to Kliqaholics Anonymous