Made In Japan
There was a Japanese man who went to America for sightseeing. On the last day, he hailed a cab and told the driver to drive to the airport.
During the journey, a Honda drove past the taxi. Thereupon, the man leaned out of the window excitedly and yelled, "Honda, very fast! Made in Japan!"
After a while, a Toyota sped past the taxi. Again, the Japanese man leaned out of the window and yelled, "Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan!"
And then a Mitsubishi sped past the taxi. For the third time, the Japanese leaned out of the window and yelled, "Mitsubishi, very fast! Made in Japan!"
The driver was a little angry, but he kept quiet.
And this went on for quite a number of cars.
Finally, the taxi came to the airport. The fare was US$300. The Japanese exclaimed, "Wah... so expensive!"
There upon, the driver yelled back,"Meter, very fast! Made in Japan!"
Chinese Torture Tests
A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he's hopelessly lost. It's been nearly three weeks since
he's eaten anything besides what he could forage and he's been reduced to sleeping in caves and
under trees.
One afternoon he comes upon an old mansion in the woods. It has vines covering most of it and
the man can't see any other buildings in the area. However, he sees smoke coming out of the chim-
ney implying someone is home.
He knocks on the door and an old man answers, with a beard almost down to the ground. The old
man squints his eyes and says "What do you want?"
The man says "I've been lost for the past three weeks and haven't had a decent meal or sleep since
that time. I would be most gracious if I could have a meal and sleep in your house for tonight."
The old Chinese man says "I'll let you come in on one condition: You cannot mess around with
my grandaughter."
The man, exhausted and hungry readily agrees, saying "I promise I won't cause you any trouble.
I'll be on my way tommorrow morning."
The old Chinese man counters "Ok, but if I do catch you then I'll give you the three worst chinese
torture tests ever known to man."
"Ok, Ok" the man said as he entered the old house. Besides, he thought to himself, what kind of
woman would live out in the wilderness all her life?
Well, that night, when the man came down to eat (after showering), he saw how beautiful the
grandaughter was. She was an absolute pearl, and while he had only been lost three weeks, it had
been many, many months without companionship. And the girl had only seen the occasional
monk besides her grandfather and well, they both couldn't keep their eyes off each other through-
out the meal.
That night, the man snuck into the girl's bedroom and they had quite a time, but had kept the
noise down to a minimum. The man crept back to his room later that night thinking to himself,
"Any three torture tests would be worth it after that experience."
Well, the next morning the man awoke to a heavy weight on his chest. He opened his eyes and there
was this huge rock on his chest. On the rock was a sign saying "1st Chinese torture test: 100 lb rock
on your chest".
"What a lame torture test" the man thought to himself as he got up and walked over to the window.
He opened the shutter and threw the rock out. On the backside of the rock is another sign saying,
"2nd worst Chinese torture test: Rock tied to right testicle".
The man, seeing the rock was too far out the window to be grabbed, jumps out the window after
the rock. Outside the window is a third sign saying "3rd worst Chinese torture test: Left testicle tied
to bedpost".
First Time in the US
A Taiwanese man with very poor and practically no English knowledge was visiting the US for the first time. His name happened to be: Teng Xiao Ping. At the immigration, the officer asked him a few questions to verify his true intention of coming to the US:
First he was asked: "What is the last name of our first President?"
Not knowing English or what the question was, he guessed they must have asked him for his family name. So he replied: " Wa See Teng (My Last Name is Teng)."
The officer heard "Washington!" and moved on with the questions.
Second question was: "What did you come to the US for?"
This time the Taiwanese thought, naturally he would be asked of his first name. So he replied: "Xiao Ping."
The officer heard: "Shopping!" so he nodded and proceeded with his third question.
"What car do you drive back home?"
The tourist thought he was asked of his marital status, so he exclaimed: "Wa Bo Bo (I have no wife)."
And the officer heard: "Volvo!" So he smiled and continued.
The fourth question was: "Who is the most popular basketball player here in the US?"
By this time, our Taiwanese friend was getting a bit impatient and annoyed and shouted: "Mai Ho Wa Ja Dahn (Don't make me wait here!)."
The officer thought he said: "Michael Jordan!"
With great appreciation of this tourist's wide knowledge, the officer let him pass without further harassment.
Real Skill
There was a rich chinese man who was deliberately hard on his farmhand. He gave him a bottle and said, "Buy me a bottle of wine."
The farmhand asked, "How can I buy you wine with no money at all?"
The rich man said, "Anyone can buy wine with money. It takes real skill to buy wine without money."
After a while the farmhand returned with the empty bottle. He handed the bottle to the rich man and said, "Enjoy the wine, please."
Staring at the empty bottle, the rich man asked, "There is no wine, how can I enjoy this?"
The farmhand said, "Anyone can enjoy wine if there is some. It takes real skill to enjoy wine when there is none."
Choking, the rich man was unable to utter a word.
Haircut
There is this good ol' barber in some city in the US. One day a florist goes to him for a haircut. After the cut, he goes to pay the barber and the barber replies: "I am sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a community service."
The florist is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, there is a thank you card and a dozen roses waiting at his door.
A cop goes for a haircut and as he goes to pay the barber and the barber replies: "I am sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a community service."
The cop is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, there is a thank you card and a dozen donuts waiting at his door.
An Asian gangster goes for a haircut and as he goes to pay the barber and barber again replies; "I am sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a community service."
The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, guess what he finds there - a dozen Asians waiting for a free haircut...
Chinese Jews
Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant.
"Sid," asked Al, "Are there any Jews in China?"
"I don't know," Sid replied. "Why don't we ask the waiter?"
When the waiter came by, Al asked him, "Are there any Chinese Jews?"
"I don't know sir, let me ask," the waiter replied, and he went into the
kitchen. He returned in a few minutes and said, "No, sir. No Chinese Jews."
"Are you sure?" Al asked.
"I will check again, sir." the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen.
While he was still gone, Sid said, "I cannot believe there are no Jews in
China. Our people are scattered everywhere."
When the waiter returned he said, "Sir, no Chinese Jews."
"Are you really sure?" Al asked again. "I cannot believe there are no
Chinese Jews."
"Sir, I ask everyone," the waiter replied exasperated. "We have Orange
Jews, Prune Jews, Tomato Jews and Grape Jews, but no Chinese Jews!"
Some symptoms to detect that you are an email junkie :
1) You wake up at 03:00 at night to go to bathroom and on the way back to bed you go and see whether you get a new email !
2) You have a tattoo made, with the inscription "This body best viewed with Netscape Navigator 2.0 or higher" !
3) You name your children as Eudora, Mozilla and Dotcom !
4) You switch off your MODEM with the feeling that the world would break down in the next moment !
5) You decide to study one or two more years on account of getting a free internet access !
6) You begin to use smileys in your normal letter too !
7) You have a bad feeling because you haven't logged in for two hours !
8) You catch yourself writing "com" after every dot of a sentence !
9) You begin to introduce yourself as "Pete Gordon at AOL dot com" !
10) All of your friends have a @ in their names !
11) You don't know how you can reach your Mum because she doesn't have a MODEM !
12) You don't know any longer what gender your three best friends are ... because they all have neutral alias names !
13) You tell the taxi driver that you are living in http://newstreet/houseNumber.11/NewYork.html !
14) You check your email box and get : "no new messages on server" ... you can't believe it and click on the "get mail" button again !
15) Every time you smile you bow your head 90 degree to a side ! ;-)
THINGS TO SAY IN THE BATHROOM STALL TO MAKE YOUR FELLOW STALLMATES LAUGH!! THIS IS REALLY FUNNY!!!
1.Stick yor palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor,"May I borrow a highlighter?"
2.Say "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that."
3. Cheer and clap loudly everytime somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.
4. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."
5. Drop a marble and say, "Oh shit!! My glass eye!!"
6. Say "Damn, this water is cold."
7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantelope into the toliet bowl from a high place, then Sigh relaxingly.
8. Say, "Now how did that get there?"
9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."
10. Fill up a large flask with Mountian Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling,"Whoa ! Easy boy !!"
11. Say," Interesting....more sinkers than floaters"
12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peaunt butter on a wad of toliet paper and drop under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?
13. Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!!
14. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot"
15. Say, "Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"
16. Play a well known drum cadence over and oven again on your butt cheeks.
17. Before you unroll toliet paper, conspicusly lay down you "Cross- Dressors Anonymous"newsletter on the floor visiable to the adjacent stall.
18. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"
19. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free"
Actual dialogue of an InTACT Customer Support Centre employee:
"InTACT Customer Support Centre,, this is XXX how may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with Word 6."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
"Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find theother cable."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power outage."
"A power...A power outage? Aha! Okay, I know the problem now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."