| Special assertive techniques: Responding to Criticism using Negative Assertion If the criticism is right: Acknowledge it. - "Yes, I do have bad spelling, " "Yes, that chicken was burnt." Don't automatically apologize. Don't make excuses. Don't get defensive. Think about the situation and decide if you want to apologize. You might need to in order to save your job, but in other situations you might not owe the other person an apology. You might have made an honest mistake. You are human. This technique disarms your critic making him or her less angry and less hostile. It's a good way to avoid fueling the fire of an argument. If someone is criticizing you and part of what they say is true, but part is mostly trying to put you down or manipulate you-- use Clouding. Clouding is done in three ways: 1. Agree with the part that is right and ignore the rest. For example: if someone says "you watch too much TV, you are going to miss out on so many things in life." You might say, "Yes, I do watch too much TV." 2. Agree in probability: "Yeah, perhaps (or "it could be" ,"it's possible that") I do watch too much TV" , or... 3. Agree in principle: "Yeah, if I do watch too much TV, I will miss out on life". In this last one, you are agreeing with the principal, but not that you are doing it. This strategy disarms the critic and may end the conversation. It works way better than the passive or aggressive strategies. You can also use Probing. If you don't know if the criticism is constructive or manipulative, or if you need more info-- Use this one: Ask "What is it about my... that bothers you?" Example: "What is it about my TV watching that bothers you?" This will help the person explain more about their feelings. You can then respond with either acknowledgment, clouding, or more probing. My favorite assertive technique: The Broken Record For those of you who don't remember records, they look like big black CD's. They used to skip when they got scratched. They would repeat the same words over and over. Hence the name of this technique. To use this one you have to know what you want. You use this when you want to say "no" to someone, and they don't want to take "no" for an answer. For example. Let's say a friend invites you over to their home to watch a TV program. You have other plans or just plain don't want to go. You know that this person is going to try to change your mind! 1. Decide what you want to do. 2. Make up a one sentence statement about it. Don't get into excuses or explanations. These just give the other person ammunition and loop holes for trying to manipulate your decision. Don't say "I can't." It's better to say "I don't want to." Of course if you wanted to you could, couldn't you? The other person knows this and will use it. 3. Repeat your message as many times as necessary. 4. Don't get sidetracked by the other person's requests or statements. It is ok to acknowledge what they are saying: such as "I hear you saying that... but - repeat your statement here." K: "I'm having a girl's night of watching Providence. I know you have better things to do, but please come over." D: "No thanks. I'd rather make plans with you to do something else another time. I don't watch Providence." K: "You never want to come over." D: "No thanks. I'd rather make plans with you to do something else another time. I don't watch Providence." K: "I don't think you want to be my friend anymore. You always have other plans." D: "I'd rather make plans with you to do something else another time. I don't watch Providence." K: But, it's important to me for you to be there. It's gonna be fun." D: "I appreciate that it's important to you that I be there, but-- No thanks. I'd rather make plans with you to do something else another time. I don't watch Providence." This may sound robotic and inhumane, but the fact is that K is the one who is being rude. D has a right to refuse an offer without being manipulated. D has a right to say "no", and K needs to respect this, and not take it personally. You can also offer a compromise. D: "How about if we make plans to get together next week?" Never offer a compromise that would damage your self worth or self-respect, that's not what compromising is about. A workable compromise is one where both people get their needs met. For example: If you want to eat mexican food and your friend wants chinese food, you decide to have one tonight, and the other the next time you go out. There are many other assertiveness techniques that you can learn. The basic principals remain the same. State clearly want you think, feel, and want. Remember, this does not guarantee that your request will be granted. Being assertive isn't about always getting what you want. It's about clear communication and taking good care of yourself. For an appointment with Dr. Kracke & Associates call 743-4680 This article was prepared using a book titled Messages : The Communication Skills Book by Mckay, Davis and Fanning. Many other books on Assertiveness are Available Including: Your Perfect Right by Robert E. Alberti and Michael L. Emmons When I Say No, I Feel Guilty by Manuel J. Smith |