| A Few Words about Relationships INTRODUCTION: Relationships are central to our lives. When people seek out therapy, usually they are concerned with the primary relationships in their lives -- with lovers, spouses, siblings, parents, children, and friends. But our world is densely woven with relationships with many, many people, including co-workers, grocery clerks, salespeople, consultants, therapists, babysitters, hair stylists, and so many more. In therapy, we work to better understand our relationships. Usually, we are concerned with what is going wrong in a given relationship. Most relationship therapy concerns problems in a couple's relationship. Given that both members of a relationship are individuals, with different backgrounds, expectations, fears, and characters, it's almost a miracle, given all the other, social and economic stressors, that we can have a decent relationship with any one at all! Of course, my goal, and that of most couples therapists, is to help both members of the couple succeed, where in the past, or without therapy and counseling, the relationships have failed, or seem doomed to fail. There are a few essential issues that will make couples or relationship counseling work for you. First, both members in the relationship must wish to at least try therapy. It's natural for one (or both of you) to be wary or suspicious of the process. There are a lot of charlatans out there, so you must be careful about who you choose. The therapist, and the mode of treatment they use, must be fair, impartial, non-judgmental, and respectful of both parties. The therapist must be there for the couple, and not for either member of the relationship. The couple must bring to therapy only a commitment to try it out. Relationship therapy has helped many people. It can be a profound developmental experience for one or both members of a couple. But, there are no expectations that any relationship will be fixed because of therapy, only a realization that without therapy, there will continue to be suffering and lack of understanding in the relationship. The couple must be willing to forego violent solutions or abusive behavior, as this poisons the therapy, just as it damages the relationship itself. Every couple presents a unique situational problem or relational dilemma. Nevertheless, because many patterns occur over and over, what follows are a few thoughts about typical couples problems. It is not meant as a substitute for a therapist's evaluation, and a course of individualized couples therapy. Arguments I have not yet known a couple or any relationship that did not experience arguments. The complete absence of arguments probably indicates a serious breakdown in communication or spontaneity in the relationship. However, arguments are probably the number one problem I have heard from couples seeking treatment. This is not surprising since arguments can be damaging, hurtful, searing, and unfair. However, the kernel of every argument contains something of importance. The problem is that usually the important aspects have been poorly or incompletely communicate. Once an argument begins, both partners usually stop listening and start getting defensive. This is logical, because usually they are being attacked, just they are are usually also doing some attacking. In an argument, what is being expressed are various feelings, resentments, past grievance, usually anything but what is most difficult to express in the moment of the fight. That is why fighting partners feel so frustrated, even after the fight. The trick is to stop the argument and shift to a non-judgmental, understanding and listening mode. This is very hard, and sometimes will take the intervention of a trained therapist to help you learn how to do this quickly, before blame and anger leave wounds that prevent or delay the reestablishment of loving and trusting bonds that facilitate communication, understanding and intimacy. Commitments The second most common problem I see in couples who come to therapy is a difference in level of commitment between the partners. As the well-known couples expert, Daniel Wile, has put it, there will always be a difference between the general level of commitment or desire of one partner for another. Such differences can be fluid, though most are fairly consistent. "Do you want me as much as I want you?" "Are you willing to get married?" Issues around commitment demand the utmost in honesty between both members of a relationship. It is expected that there are anxieties and fantasies by both partners around what is means to be dependent upon another, to be united as a couple, different expectations about what the future will bring, and on the conflict between individual careers and goals and the overarching needs of the relationship and/or future family. Even more, our feelings about relationships, being in one, committing to one, leaving one, will have a lot to do with our own individual experiences in our family, with past losses of those close to us, with tragedies around betrayal, and dreams of reconciliation. A common conflict is that between the commitment we have to our family of origin (to our parents and siblings) and the new commitment to the man or woman we have chosen as central in our lives. There are likely to be problems around the issue of commitment. But there are always problems in every relationship, and we cannot escape the problems of our own. We will find a way to live with them. If we are lucky, we will surmount some of them, but not without some bumpy moments, and without a dedication to open, non-blaming communication (at some point). Communication Therapists (including myself) talk enough about communication that you'd think we were born incapable of expressing ourselves. Actually, most of us can express ourselves pretty well. But do we do it effectively enough? When there is an argument, it's the rare member of the couple who does not know the other is mad or upset. But does their partner know why, really? The point of communication as an issue in couples therapy is to establish a new, different mode of communication that becomes only one of a number of ways of relating and expressing oneself. An argument may be the only way to let feelings out... initially. What makes communication-savvy partners more effective in their relationship is their ability to communicate after the argument phase is over... their feelings of vulnerability, their hurt, their expectations and hopes -- in essence, everything that didn't get expressed during the argument. Some feelings are particularly difficult or embarrassing to report to our partners, for reasons of upbringing, culture, or natural inclination. Examples include issues around sex, around money, around the expression of anger, children's upbringing, and feelings of loneliness or discomfort around times of separation. |