Love Family Home

Jokes

One liners
- A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?"
  He said, "Call for backup."
- How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
  Unique Up On It.
- How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
  Tame Way, Unique Up On It.
- How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
  They Take The Psycho Path
- How Do You Get Holy Water?
  You Boil The Hell Out Of It.
- What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
  Dam!
- What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
  Polaroid's
- What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
  A Stick
- What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
  Nacho Cheese.
- What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
  Subordinate Clauses.
- What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
  Quattro Sinko.
- What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
  Spoiled Milk.
- What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
  Frostbite.
- What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
  A Nervous Wreck.
- What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
  Anyone Can Roast Beef.
- Where Do You Find a Man With No Legs?
  Right Where You Left Him.
- Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
  Because They Have Big Fingers.
- Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
  Because It Scares The Dog.
- What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
  Sanka.
- What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?
  The Location Of The Dirt Bag.
- Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
  Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.
- What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
  A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
  A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.
- How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
  Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer
Marriage
- A lady was talking about the husbands in her life.
  She married a rich man, and then he died.
  She married an actor, and then he died.
  She married a pastor, and then he died.
  So she then married a mortician.
  It was 1 for the money, 2 for the show, 3 to get ready, and 4 to go.
- An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.
Kids...
- A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem.
  A small child replied: "They couldn't get a baby sitter."
- A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
  Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."
- At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny, what is the matter?"
  Little Johnny responded, "I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."
- Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, "What do you think about all this Satan stuff?"
  The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your dad."
- I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a Woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!
- My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago.
- On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a Note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."
- A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."
- A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"
- While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. The various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs, unfailingly intrigued her. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"
- A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."
- While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his Father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaaather, and unto the Sonnn ... and into the hole he gooooes."
- A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"
- A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found", the boy called out." What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"
- Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?" Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life." The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"
- A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!" While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again. As she ran she once again began to pray, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...But please don't shove me either!"
- Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50." The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100." The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon. And it takes eight people to collect all the money!"
Einstein's Parrot
- "How do I order beer in a bar?
  I say 'Ein stein for Einstein.'
- Hey, Parrot, what's the difference between a wild boar and Niels Bohr?
  When I say that God doesn't play dice, a wild boar doesn't tell me to stop telling God what to do. I hate that.
- So what do you say to the man who developed the exclusion principle?
  You say, 'Pauli want a cracker?' Wolfgang Pauli, get it? Hello, is this thing on? Testing, one, two.
- Hey, Parrot, I had a dream where I made love to Rita Hayworth for an hour.
  Well, for her it was an hour. For me, 35 seconds. That's relativity.
- Okay, Newton is standing on the shoulders of a giant, and he says, 'Giant, how do I get down off you?' and the giant says,
  'You don't get down off me, you get down off a duck.' I love that one.
- Parrot, tell me, what is a Lorentz contraction?
  That's when Mrs. Lorentz knows the baby is coming. It's a timed dilation, not a time dilation, get it?
- Let's see, two guys walk into an h-bar. An H-BAR.
  If you knew any physics you'd be on the floor, I swear.
- Uh, if Ruby Keeler married, uh, John Wheeler, became a doctor and got a job in Vegas,
  she'd be Ruby Keeler Wheeler the healer dealer.
- So what would people say if Paul Dirac fell on Jane Russell?
  They'd say, 'Look at Dirac on Jane Russell.' Oh, they'd say it, trust me.
- Okay, there are these twins, see. They're 20 years old. And one of them goes zipping around the universe really fast while the other one stays on Earth. The twin who was zipping around comes back, and he's maybe a year older, and he goes to find his brother. And the brother is now 95 years old. And the young twin comes up to him. The old twin looks at the young twin, and tears come to his eyes. And the young twin says, 'Why are you crying?' And the old twin says, 'I'm so happy.' And the young twin says, 'To see me?' And the old twin, he says, 'Yes. The $100 you owed me when you left. It's now $100,000.' From the compounding interest.
- Oy, these are the jokes, Parrot. What, you don't like living in a cage? Yeah, try being the most famous man in the world. I can't even go out for a haircut. You know, you're a good listener for a parrot.
- Oh boy, it looks like you just did a Brownian movement.
  Good thing I lined the cage with my cosmological constant proposal. That proposal was my second biggest mistake. My biggest mistake was my proposal to my first wife. Ba-dum-bum.
- Parrot, if you had a plastic deer on your lawn covered in Christmas lights,
  turning them on would give you the faux doe electric effect.
- Whaddya call it when Leo Szilard and Enrico Fermi pull up an anchor?
  A chain retraction! Not so good? You should hear me play the violin.
- So Schr�dinger and Heisenberg are driving down the road, and Heisenberg says, 'Hey, I think you just ran over a cat.' And Schr�dinger, he says, 'Is it dead?' And Heisenberg says, heh heh, get this: 'I can't be certain.'
- Okay, so the smartest man in the world is talking to a parrot. Hey, Parrot, that's not a joke, that's my life."
Camping
- Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson are going camping. They pitch their tent under the stars and go to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes wakes Watson up.
  HOLMES: Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you deduce.
  WATSON: I see millions of stars, and if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it is quite likely that there are some planets like Earth, and if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life.
  HOLMES: Watson, you idiot, somebody stole our tent!
Blond
- SPEEDING TICKET A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Yesterday you took my license away, and today you expect me to show it to you!"
- EXPOSURE A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out. A policeman approaches her and says,"Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?" She says, "Why officer?" "Because your breast is hanging out.", he says. She looks down and says, "OH MY GOSH, I left the baby on the bus again!"
- KNITTING A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!" "NO!" the blonde yelled back, "SCARF!"
- BLONDE ON THE SUN A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!" The American said, "We were the first on the moon!! " The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!" The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian. To which the Blonde replied, "We're not that stupid. We're going at night!"
- IN A VACUUM A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is the vacuum on or off?"
- FINAL EXAM The blonde reports for her university final examination that consists of yes/no type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes and then, in a fit of inspiration, takes out her purse, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin, marking the answer sheet: Yes, for Heads, and! No, for Tails. Within half an hour she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is still sweating it out. During the last few minutes she is seen desperately throwing the coin, muttering and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on. "I finished the exam in half an hour, but now I'm rechecking my answers."
- THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES! A girl was visiting her blond friend who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?" To which he Blonde replies, "HellOOOOOOO. They're watch dogs!"

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