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Teenage pride. What exactly is it. So many times I�ve heard people say their pride had forced them to do things they shouldn�t have. Does anyone really know what teenage pride is or is it simply a phrase that is used so often in abstraction that it has no meaning? As I ponder this conundrum, I am reminded of my own adolescence. Perhaps within my past the answer lies.
It was the summer before my sixth grade year. Though I was not excited to get started. My father had been transferred from his job so the whole family had to move. This is just what I needed. A new school in a new neighborhood. I was already considered a shy kid. It didn�t help to take me away from everyone I knew. I had met some kids from around my new house but none seemed to think much of me. I don�t seem to have many friends. That is true but I can still say I have a best friend. He isn�t like what you would normally expect. He is me. I know it sounds strange but I was too mature to make up some imaginary friend. I�m loyal, I am always there for me, and I understand me better than anyone. Despite how well I knew myself I didn�t have any means of ridding myself of a loneliness few have felt. I may have sounded like a child doomed for disaster, but only through these obstacles stood a greatness few could achieve. Out of chaos alone comes intense focus. With nothing of a social life, I devoted most of my time and energy to academics. I sought to disregard my social inadequacies by concentrating on intellectual success. Unfortunately this was a tragic success. I became so good at school and the like that I didn�t even really need to pay attention or do any work. Most would consider that a positive thing but now I had way too much free time to wonder what it would be like to have a ton of friends. I became very goal oriented. I had to keep my mind on something I hoped to achieve at all times. I needed something to strive for. Life is meant to be lived. Once you have surpassed all conflict, life ends. There is no longer a point in moving on. There is always another obstacle and only by conquering it will you reach your own destiny.
Once school started most of my days went the same way. My bus would pull up to the school parking lot. As the bus door opened, an uproar of young students rush into the lobby where they would meet up with their clique of friends. I didn�t really know anyone well so I would just stand in the corner and wait until we were dismissed to go to our first class. Then, I would go straight to my classes as to avoid the humiliation that was my life. My days would progress without much intrusion of any conversational act. My presence was aloof and disconnected from my class. Sure I had the occasional mockery, but for the most part I kept to myself and no one bothered me. Even though I didn�t get bullied that much the nervous tension would still build up to the inevitable horror that was lunchtime. What�s wrong with lunch? You get to relax and eat right? Yes, but how do you escape the stress of knowing you have no one to sit with. I was set to prove to myself that I was stronger than they were. I believed honor, respect, and success reign truer than popularity through deviant and selfish acts. I would grab my bagged lunch from my locker and go to the one place I could be alone. It was the one place where simplicity and beauty are upheld. I would go to Spontane Park.
The gates of the park are formed by two majestic pillars overgrown with the greenest of ivies. Before these celestial gates stands the sign that reads, �Hinc Ut Eram Ita Erim,� which means, �From this place as you were thus you will become.� Although the entrance is a truly breathtaking sight, the park itself is the most stunning sight of all. To each side stand the benches on which I would sit. They were made from the finest redwood. Carved within the wood was the pattern of angels staring down upon the Earth. Surrounding the park were an array of the most splendid trees. On the interior side of the trees were a variety of exotic flowers in full bloom. The sky was always clear with a drift of silky clouds. Straight ahead was the sun in all its glory. This park never changed. It was the marvel Mother Nature had always intended.
Everyday I would sit in that park and gaze to the heavens. As I sat in my utopia, I was startled one day by footsteps at the gate. No one else but me had ever been to the park. I looked up and to my surprise I saw a young girl standing by the gate. A gust of wind blew her hair back as the sun sparkled in her eyes. I knew right then. I insisted she come over and have a seat next to me. She introduced herself as Jess. We proceeded to discuss just about everything except why she was there. For some reason I don�t think I wanted to know. She was there. That was all I needed to know. In a matter of seconds we became the best of friends.
For the first time the stars seemed to be in my favor. Jess and I would sit next to each other in our classes and we would meet after any classes we didn�t have together. Every day I�d bring her to the park with me. Time couldn�t have flown any faster. Jess was always on my mind. She was the perfect friend in every way. We had the same interests and the same outlook on the world. We never had an argument not even a little one. I loved the feeling of knowing my day would be a great one just by seeing Jess across the room.
At night I would go to the park to relax and be grateful for what I had found. It was the perfect place to ponder whatever may trouble the soul. It was always warm, glowing with radiant beauty. I could sit there, think about nothing, and just be happy. Sometimes I would think about Jess. She always had a smile on her face, a smile that could melt a glacier. Around her I could be me, the real me. No one else could bring that out. She released me from my innocence and isolation.
One day I was walking with Jess to class, and she asked if she could bring her two friends Jamie and Katie along to a movie that night. At first, I wasn�t sure how to feel about this situation, but after I thought about it for a while I realized there was no real reason not to bring them. They were Jess�s best friends and I figured it couldn�t hurt to expand my group of friends. That night we all went to the movie and then hung out together afterwards at a local restaurant. We started to become good friends after some time. Jamie and Katie were both nice, but neither could compare to Jess. I thought of myself as intelligent, but I still had a lot to learn.
My life went on day by day and week by week. My first lesson came about rather abruptly. I quickly realized my conceptions of the world around me were simply pretentious and na�ve to the truth. As Jess had completed me in some way, I took a new look at life itself. I was much happier in everything I did and this created a vastly improved self image for myself. It was amazing to see how much my life changed simply by having a better outlook. Without even realizing it, I was becoming popular. I was getting to know people I had used to believe were above me. My life was all I had but dreamed of for years, and I knew this was all because of Jess.
My attachment to her was growing at an uncontrollable rate. I didn�t know how to handle such intense emotions as these. Whenever I would go to the park, I would do my best to sort out my feelings. I wanted to know what this meant. What I was supposed to do. I became frightened of my own inexperience. It tore me apart inside because I could not talk about this to the one person that always listened. Finally, I gained the insight that I needed to know if Jess� feelings compared to mine. I knew I could never just ask her. The only others that would know were Jamie and Katie. I paid as much attention to them as I could without raising any suspicion. Katie was known to be somewhat of a gossip. I couldn�t turn to her for any help because I feared the consequences. That left Jamie as my only hope. My only concern was that Jamie was ultimately loyal to Jess, and I did not know if she was capable of keeping anything from her. She was the only person I could turn to so I went to lunch early that day to find her. I wanted to talk to her before Jess or Katie would get there. I frantically scanned the room, but was disheartened to find no Jamie in sight. Discouraged I headed out of the cafeteria.
I didn�t make it out of the room though. Something had caught my attention. At one of the tables I saw a girl sitting all alone. My eyes were fixated on her. I couldn�t look away. I was overcome by anxiety. That simple image took me back in time. In that single moment I realized how much I had changed that year. I didn�t regret it. I was proud that I had come that far, but at the same time, my past was still a part of me that I could not allow myself to forget. I could never have been so successful without Jess having given me a chance to begin with. I knew it was time I repaid the favor. So I walked over to the girl�s table.
�You mind if I sit here,� I asked her. �Yeah go ahead,� she responded. I was slightly confused because her tone of voice sounded irritated. As I sat down she began to collect her stuff and went to get up. �Wait! Where are you going,� I asked in uncertainty. �You wanted the table,� she snapped back. She actually thought I wanted her to get up and give me the table. I was appalled by her conception of me but I could relate to it as well. �No, Please sit back down. I wanted to sit with you,� I explained. She sat back down and we began to talk. �Can we start over?� She smiled and politely and said, �yeah, you can call me Missy.� She was hesitant at first to talk with me. I was very blunt and proceeded to ask why she was so cautious with me. She looked up from her food and said, �because I can�t figure out why you sat here. I figure you either sat here because you had nowhere else to sit or you are about to humiliate me in some way. There are open seats at other tables. You�re a popular guy. I know you aren�t sitting here cause you couldn�t find someone else to sit with and that leaves me to suspect impending humiliation. So why are you here with me?� Looking to the ground I sighed. Slowly gazing up I calmly answered her, �I�ve been there and I�d like to have a friend that understood that.�
My honesty must have touched her somehow because she loosened up and spoke more freely after that. It was the end of lunch before I knew it. Talking with her made the time pass us by without pause. She thanked me for sitting with her. I told her it was just as much my pleasure if not more. Then, we both got up and left. When I got to my next class I realized I hadn�t even gone to sit down with Jess at all. When I sat down at my desk Jess immediately asked me where I was. I tensed up and said I had a project I needed to work on and couldn�t make it to lunch. I spent the rest of the class trying to figure out why I said that. Why would I lie? I was so disappointed in myself. I really enjoyed sitting with Missy through lunch so I had no reason to deny it. I just wasn�t sure that Jess would understand that. Jamie and Katie certainly wouldn�t understand. They harassed girls like Missy all the time. Maybe I was just afraid of what they would say to me. Knowing this, I was even more disgusted by my actions. I promised myself then that I would never let others� opinions affect me.
From that day forth Missy and I became closer and closer. I would make excuses to tell Jess so I could go sit with her at lunch even if it was only for a few minutes. Missy understood me. She understood where I was coming from. She knew all my flaws and didn�t care. It took talking to her to realize how petty Jess, Jamie, and Katie really were. I was blinded by my own social success to even realize how superficial they were. I started to hang out with Missy outside of school too. I would take her to the park now. Jess never really came anymore. As my friendship with Missy grew, it seemed Jess just faded away. This was never my intention. I loved being with Missy, but I did miss the times I spent with Jess. I wanted the friendship I had with both of them but didn�t know how to manage it.
I knew I had a huge decision to make. I could do nothing and just let Jess go peacefully or I�d have to fix things between us, but this could risk my friendship with Missy. The problem was that I liked them both for different reasons. Missy and I had what I would call a good grasp on reality. She was down to earth. She was the only person I could have heart felt conversations with. On the other hand, Jess. What can I say about Jess? She was one of a kind. She had more energy than anyone I knew. We didn�t have many meaningful conversations, but there was never a night that we didn�t have more fun than most people ever experience.
I knew I needed to make my decision soon, but I didn�t realize I only had a few minutes. Missy and I were at the park talking, when Jess showed up. The second I saw her I knew this would not be easy. One look from Jess was all it took. She didn�t need to say a word and I knew she was done with me. She�d never say it. She�d never really show it, but she was hurting. I could see the tears that she would not shed. Missy could tell something was going on, but she did not realize how serious it was. Jess turned and walked away. Missy merely said to let her go that she was not worth the trouble. I couldn�t blame her for saying such a thing, but I owed Jess more than that. I turned to Missy with the blankest look in my eyes and said, �Yes, yes she is.� Without another word I ran out of the park. I caught up to Jess and I begged her forgiveness. I told her how much I had missed her. It was my pride that would not let me give in before now. She admitted the same. We made up with a warm embrace. We walked back to the park to catch up with each other. When we got there, Missy was already gone. I didn�t expect her to still be there. I held Jess in my arms through the night and my life became what it once was before.
I had made my decision. The truth was though that it was not my pride that kept me from Jess. My pride is what drove me to her in the end. Missy was a special girl to me, but I couldn�t risk my life as I knew it for her. I know I hurt Missy. If I knew that was going to happen I would never have sat down for lunch with her. I like to believe despite her pain, she was bettered in some way from the time we had together. Deep down I loved Jess, and ultimately I think that�s what scared me so much. It seems it was only fate that I would turn to her in the end. I learned one thing from all of this. Life is a game, and I�m sorry to say, I played it.
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