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Throughout my entire life, I was always anxious to get to the future. Never living in the moment long enough to enjoy it for all it was truly worth. I never knew how precious each moment really was. I never perceived how fortunate I was to have good friends. How easily they could be lost. How the best things in life are usually those right in front of you. I learned these lessons over the years. I only wish I could go back in time to teach myself all that I know now, and save myself the pain of making the wrong choices.
My story began years ago in a small town outside of Cincinnati, known as Lilliput Township. I was a teenager without much of a social life. There were not many groups in my town to be involved in. I was just an average guy. I wasn�t active in very much of anything, so I joined an anti-drug organization known as PRIDE. I had gotten interested in the group after seeing them perform at a nearby community center. At first I didn't know many of the people in it, and I was too shy to even talk to anyone in the group. I had very little confidence in myself, if any, and I hated myself for it. Despite my self-seclusion, I met someone who would eventually become my best friend. Every Friday I had a Volleyball practice after Calculus class. One day I saw Cindy, the girl I had met at PRIDE, walking across campus. Since I usually had about an hour or so before I had to go to my practice, I would meet up with her. The one day when I went to talk to her she had her best friend with her. Her friend's name was Jess. To be totally honest with you I was appalled by her at first. She irritated me more then anyone I had ever met. She would take my book bag and hide it in a locker or throw it in the girl's bathroom. I guess I hadn�t really given her a chance. I don't know exactly how or even when it happened, but somehow we became friends. I honestly believe it all extends from her not seeing things the way I had. Our friendship emerged through two things. First, she was in PRIDE and we got to talk to each other at meetings about once a week and sometimes on Fridays if she stayed after school with Cindy. The second and probably the most influential reason was after a couple of weeks she started calling me on Thursdays after school to see if I would go to her youth group with her. I would always think up some sort of excuse to give her to get out of it. Why? I don�t even really know. I guess I always felt I wouldn't fit in there and I didn't want her to regret ever inviting me. I never had many friends growing up before this. So when she invited me, I didn�t want to disappoint her. Then, one Thursday my little brother had a soccer game at the church field where Jess' youth group was held. When Jess was walking down with Cindy to the church they saw me. Jess insisted that I go with them. So instead of thinking up a lame excuse, while in this position, I went with them. That was one of the best decisions I ever made. Sometimes in life you just have to go with what comes to you. Before we went to the church, we went into the convenience store next door and bought some candy and snacks. When we went in to the church they took me to their youth group room. It was a room filled with ragged couches all along the walls where everybody sat for the meetings. I made sure that I went there every Thursday from then on. I didn't go to grow spiritually or anything superficial like that, but I went solely to be with Jess and Cindy. I always shared my candy with them, especially Jess because she had appeared to have a craving for sugar, which made it very easy to outlet my emotions without letting her realize. They were the first people to ever treat me like a friend. That alone meant the world to me. Jess once invited me to go on a canoeing trip with her and her youth group. At first I didn't care to go with them, but Jess kept insisting until I finally gave in and decided to go. I had always enjoyed being around Jess. She was always full of energy and life. She would make me feel more alive just being around her. She was the type of person you could never get enough of no matter how hard you tried. After each youth group meeting was over we would usually all go to Spontane Park. Spontane Park was a small park down the street, a few blocks from the church. The park had an open meadow accented by towering oaks with vivid green leaves. I loved that park because there was nothing else in the world as beautiful and breathtaking as sitting in that meadow watching the sun set with the stratification of color cascading off the tree tops. Though I was surrounded by nature�s beauty my eyes were always held captive by Jess. Whenever we would go after youth group though, The guys went and played football, whereas I always went with Jess. The majority of the guys thought badly of me because of this choice, but I guess I wasn�t as average a guy as I thought. I hadn�t ever been athletic. Deep down inside I knew that I would much rather be with Jess than go and play football. The emotional connection we had together was a far greater rush than any sport could ever create. They never understood that, and I couldn�t blame them because I never knew what that felt like until Jess filled that void. That is why I have so many fond memories of Spontane Park and the time I shared with Jess there. My life went well until that summer, when my life evolved into one I never grasped that it could ever be.
Over that summer Jess and me had become better friends than we had ever been or ever would be. Our friendship grew a lot and mostly in Spontane Park. As I look back at that summer, I realize a lot of the important turning points had happened there. It was there when I over heard Jess talk about how she previously liked me. One night I was playing Volleyball at Spontane Park, when I had noticed Jess and Cindy talking alongside the woods. In an attempt at youthful flirting, I was sneaking up behind them, when I regretfully overheard them talking about me. I was so demeaned by their discussion that I couldn�t bring myself to even say hello to them. I was forced to walk away without them knowing I had been there. Well, it's needless to say that hurt. I figured that I had missed my only chance. I walked down to the stream that ran alongside the park. I spent hours there throwing stones, staring at the sky, and just thinking to myself. I laid awake that night wondering what it might have been like if I hadn't missed that chance. If there was anything in my life that I wanted to change, that was it. I was always scared. Scared of rejection. Scared of humiliation. Scared of failure. If I had only told her how I felt sooner things could have been different.
My PRIDE group would have picnics at Spontane Park throughout the summer. I remember it like it was yesterday. Jess would call me to see if I was going and since I knew that she was going, I always did. We would just hang around the swing set and talk. One day I was forced to go to a soccer game with my family at Spontane Park. I was so bored that I went to the payphone and dialed Jess' phone number at least twenty-five times trying to get through. I wanted her to come down so that we could be together.
My memories may sound childish or even stupid, but you couldn't understand them unless you could have felt what I felt when she was happy and enjoying being with me. She was the first person to ever make me feel good about myself and who I was. She had become the best friend perhaps anyone could ever have.
Our newfound friendship prospered throughout that summer. We were constantly talking on the phone. Every time my phone rang I had hoped it would be her. Then one day when I was talking to her on the phone she invited me to go to an amusement park with her. I jumped at the chance to go with her. That day an event took place that I would never forget. It was Girl Scout day and she was allowed to go on the roller coaster early, but she waited just because I couldn't go on with her yet. This notion ensured the essence of our friendship in my heart. That was one of the best days of my life. I remember after riding a few rides I bought some cheddar cheese French fries, which Jess ended up eating almost half of. I didn't mind though, in fact I rather enjoyed sharing them with her. I consider that day the peak of our friendship.
Unfortunately, our friendship didn't stay that way for very long. At that point I cared for her more than any words could ever have expressed. I would have done any thing for her. I didn't let anyone know of the emotional attachment that I had for her because I couldn't stand the thought of losing our friendship over a relationship that may have never worked out. I would stay awake at night contemplating what would happen if she did find out how I felt about her.
When we went back to school after that summer our friendship kept up for the most part. We would write each other notes, which I was always anxious to get. My life seemed utterly perfect. I didn't see it coming. It slowly crept in and then overtook me. I was no longer in control. I didn�t know what was happening anymore. It hit me so overwhelmingly hard because up until this point I had never had any real problems in my life. I�ll admit it. I was sheltered. I was my own best friend. I kept to myself and nobody bothered me. It all started on a Wednesday when Jess got the flu and couldn't make it to classes. I decided to romance her by visiting with soup and a bouquet of flowers for her. The real reason I had gone was to ask her to the Homecoming Dance. I had asked her because she was the only one I would have enjoyed going with. She told me that she would think it over and answer me in class the next day. That night I was completely distraught. I couldn't get any sleep because I was so overcome with whether she would go with me or not. My world seemed to be stuck in a whirl of emotions. The next day Jess became the first person to ever break my heart. She had turned me down in a note that I had received towards the end of the day. I was really hurt because I had already heard the answer ahead of the note from people she had told before me. I just couldn't comprehend why she didn't just tell me over the phone when I had asked. She apparently had never had any intention of ever agreeing to go with me. I was so heartbroken that I could barely keep the tears from falling. At the same time I was so angry that she could have done this to me that I couldn't even speak to her. I was even angrier though at myself for letting her do this to me.
We made up after some time had calmed my tormented heart. I ended up going to the dance even though I couldn't go with Jess. I went with my friend Alaina. I had heard rumors that Alaina had a crush on me, but I was too overcome by Jess to even realize. During the dance I did get to dance with Jess once, and that was enough to make it worth going. Things went well in our friendship for awhile, but unfortunately not forever. There was Brian, who I blame for most of the things that would happen to me even though I didn't have proof that he had done anything. Brian was Jess' date to the dance and later her boyfriend. He had a personality that I couldn't help but despise from the moment I met him. He reeked of drugs and a passion for overpowering. He was a massive bully, which everyone in his path feared, except for me. To me he seemed blatantly inadequate. I irritated him, for he had no means by which he could overpower me. This anger and rage towards me made him all the more a formidable enemy. I first met him at Spontane Park. Jess was sitting on the swing farthest to the left. She was talking about how she was sneaking around with him, how happy they were. She wasn't being mean, because she didn't know how I felt, but that didn't make it hurt any less. The one time when she was talking about him I was so distraught with her I went for a walk in the woods. I spent at least an hour in the woods just thinking about Jess. When I came back she had barely even noticed that I had been gone. There was a youth group bon fire that we all went to. At the place where the bon fire was going to be held Jess and Brian had an argument like they usually did. In fact, I don't think I had ever seen them two happy and together at the same time. When Jess went off to talk with some of her friends from the youth group, Brian called me over and talked to me. I was the only one that knew what he had said to me. He had threatened me. He told me that I should not try to break them up. I found this statement very ironic because I wasn't trying to break them up because it was what Jess had chosen and I couldn't be the reason for any unhappiness she had. After that he mentioned something that I still don't know exactly what meant. I will always regret having not asked her what it meant. He told me that when he had asked Jess to go steady with him. She made a list of pros and cons of going out with him. The thing that got to me was my name was on the con list. That meant I was a reason that she should not go out with him. What did that mean? Did she like me? Did I have another chance, or did she think she might lose my friendship?
I wasn�t going to miss my shot this time. I had to tell her how I felt. The next day at school I pulled her aside and posed the question as to whether she felt the same feelings for me as I had for her. The pause nearly tore me apart. Her response; however, has left me in contemplation ever since. She told me she had feelings for me before I had ever even had feelings for her. Immediately my mind was bustling with images of us together. Those images didn�t last much longer than the next time she spoke. She told me that she loved Brian, but had never liked him. She said she had been in a relationship where she had strong feelings before and that why she couldn�t ever have a relationship with me. I was more perplexed than ever. How could she feel strongly for me and at the same time say we could never be together?
After that Jess did the one thing I never saw coming. She broke my heart for the second time. Brian was out of town with his family, and the Sweethearts Dance was that weekend. I saw that as an opportunity. If I could show Jess a good time, she would forget about Brian and realize she was meant to be with me. After a long period of consideration, I asked her to the dance. This time she had actually said yes. She had only said yes because she wanted to go and I was her only option, but I had hope. When that day came around, I went to pick her up. She looked absolutely breathtaking. I was the happiest I had been for a long time that night. Well, at least I was until she ditched me at the dance. I only got to dance with her twice the entire night. As for the rest of the night, I didn�t even know where she went. After an hour, I gave up on her. I went outside staring at nothing while wedged up against the wall. I just couldn�t let go. I was content with having one bad night. To my distress, it didn�t end there. She wasn't calling as often as she used to. She hadn't written me a note in over a month. The friendship was fading fast, but I didn't know why. She would deny everything and never give me a reason. Of course I fought loosing the friendship. I did everything I could to save the friendship, but it seemed she didn't care enough to even see that I was trying, so I gave up. I had to give up on her or drive myself crazy. I gave up to save what was left of my dignity. I got so mad when she still denied everything and still wouldn't give me a reason for the way she was acting that I just made it as obvious to her as I could that I didn't want to be friends. I tried to make her see that I didn't want anything to do with her. I thought this would end it. I thought I would be happy, but what happened next I should have seen coming. I missed her. She had been a great friend that I had just lost probably for ever. I didn't miss the friendship I had left because of, but the friendship that we had had in the summer. When I tried to talk things over with her, she only hurt me more. This time it really hurt when she did it because of what she said. She told me that we had never been best friends. We were just good friends. It still hurts to think about the time when she told me that. Whether she said that because she was angry or whether she really meant it. I don't know. All I know is it sure did hurt to hear her say that. I just kept her out of my mind any way I could. Then, she started calling me every once in awhile. Cindy told me that Jess told her that she was going to try to patch things up with me. She started acting like she couldn't make up her mind what exactly she really wanted with me. She would be my friend sometimes and hate me the next time I saw her. I didn't know what to do about her.
I chose to do the best thing I knew how. I confided in my friend Alaina. This method worked for me to an extent. It wasn't that she was immensely reliable at giving great advice. It was more that her personality made her someone I could confide in with no worries. She had all of the virtuous qualities of sincerity, reliability, loyalty, patience, and most of all support. Alaina was someone I could call up on the phone and tell her everything I had kept bottled up inside. She would listen to me and that was all she had to do. It felt like she could do wonders for me. She knew me better than anyone else. In reality she was just helping me to be able to help myself. Alaina was a great friend through this troubled period of my youth. She helped me get to the point where I thought I was ready to let go of Jess' friendship.
As most na�ve youths, I was able to fool myself enough to believe I could be just friends with Jess. I honestly believed that I could move on. Well I thought that until the next time I saw her. She was walking down the street, arm in arm, with Brian. Brian said something to her that I couldn�t hear, and she smiled back at him. Contrary to the instinctual jealousy, I was happy to see this, because the smile she gave him wasn�t the smile she would give to me. When she smiled at me, I would get lost in her deep brown eyes and see right into her heart. There was a certain glow she had when I made her smile that Brian couldn�t get from her. It was this that helped me know that I had to fight for her because if she wasn�t worth fighting for then nothing on Earth was.
Considering Brian was about three times my size I figured physical fighting wouldn�t help me. I had to find a way to set him up to lose her. It seemed to me that their relationship was the age-old story of the girl chasing after the bad boy. I was raised up under strict morals and beliefs that the girl was to be treated like a queen, but I learned that those old-fashioned beliefs just weren�t true today. Girls today go for the arrogant macho guy who acts like he doesn�t even care if she is ever around. I think they tend to mistake the thrill of danger and rebellion for love. Jess got a rush off of hanging out with Brian. He took risks. That is what made him attractive to her. That is where my flaw was hiding. I was too analytical to take risks. It was going to be extremely difficult for me to prove to her that I could risks too. I would have to force myself to take a leap of faith and be completely spontaneous.
I hadn�t gone to youth group in a few weeks. I felt now that I needed to go back. I had to show everyone that I was no longer going to stand by and just let myself be taken advantage of. To no surprise of mine, the very second I walked in the room, Brian began to mock me. This time I was ready. I just started turning around his comments and mocking him. For a moment he was just stunned, because I had never stood up for myself before. Then, he became enraged by the fact that I was embarrassing him in front of the group. He charged toward me expecting me to run. Not this time though. I may have been stupid, or maybe just disillusioned, but I did not budge. Not a single twitch. I refused to be a victim anymore. It was time for me to take back control. It wasn�t about Jess anymore: it was about me. Though he faltered for a moment, seeing me not move, he proceeded nonetheless. He grabbed me by the shoulders and thrust me into the air. I slammed up against the wall clear across the room. I tumbled to the ground. Feeling assured of himself he went to sit down laughing. I stood up and walked over to him with a grin on my face. I didn�t need to say a thing. He knew that I was unaffected by him. He glared at me, and I wasn�t sure what he was going to do to me next. I t didn�t matter. I wasn�t going to stop. He furiously jumped to his feet, grabbed his jacket, and walked out of the room with Jess. Though Jess had left with him, I was the victorious one. I may have lost her, but I found myself. I finally could be happy with myself. That alone would give me the strength to let her walk out of my life. I never saw either of them again. I have thought of her time to time. Cindy had told me of how Jess had turned to drugs, and no longer was her friend. I pity her because she will never be that innocent girl that I had truly loved. She no longer existed. I had been hurt countless times by Jess, but I thank her for it. She forced me to gain personal strength. My life was forever changed by her. I take great discomfort in that Jess had to end up the way she did. She had saved me, but I could do nothing for her. After that I never saw or heard from her again. It was probably better that way, but I still think of her often. My only desire is that she got away from Brian and his lifestyle before it was too late.
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