| Insight |
| TwIsTeD |
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| A letter/writting piece written for someone special to me. They may not have read it, I'll never know, but I can say this: I still mean every word. |
| What is a lie? I suppose you could consider it a fabrication or an untruth, but in my case, they are my sanctity. Lies are the only things that save me from the rest of the world, from pain, from suffering, and sometimes...even myself. I can't help that they come out. To me, they are tiny saviors. Why is it that you think you're so perfect? Sure, you've done more than I have and probably will continue to do so, but I have potential. I could be anything that I desired to be...and I would have to go through half the trouble that you do. see, you are successful, but that has only come through your own blood, sweat, and tears. I'm not like you in that sense. I can do anything without really trying. I'm one of those fortunate few. I'm a lucky person. At the drop of my hand, I can be anything I wanted. You could never do that. You are inhibited by your own insecurities. You're too far gone to ever possess that power again. You know, when we met, I thought you were the most amazing thing ever created, that you must be what life is worth living for. Such a glow of radiant beauty encircled you; like a halo of light and purity. You spit venom at those who opposed you, sneered with disgust ?at the very idea that anyone should even think to challenge you. I laugh now because I did. You shot your verbal arsenal and you know what? I survived. You respected me for it in fact. The only person...the only woman ever capable of it. For a fleeting moment, this satisfied me, filled me with such a warm feeling of accomplishment that I thought I'd never recover. This, like everything else, was a lie. I was enraptured, intoxicated, I needed more. There was a hunger for you deep down inside my very being. Everyone else in my life melted away, all sense left my body. You were all I needed; you were the very air I breathed. I fooled myself into thinking that you were just a passing fad, another habit waiting to be broken....but there you were, everywhere I turned. I could no longer escape this feeling. I was cornered, trapped. I had ro admit defeat, confess my undying affections for you before they ate away at my very being. You agreed to meet me the very next day. My heart was pounding with anticipation and joy. I could hardly contain myself. Here I was, awaiting a sharp tongued, yet devilishly handsome fiend. You find me amoung the crowd, our eyes meet and something passes between us. A smile crosses our faces at the same time; yours is quickly replaced by a stunned smirk. At that moment, I felt that my life could not get any better, that the world would hold no greater beauty than the vision of you...waiting for me. As we walked along the sidewalk, we talked of many things. I'd smile and laugh at your wittiness and you mine. We were so full of ourselves, we were about to burst.at the seams. You entranced me with your unspoken words, a spell twisted with the promise of tomorrow. A sweeter stretch of the imagination was never told. Our first kiss...a bitter-sweet bundle of emotions. I put my entire heart into that kiss, my life was entirely in your hands at that moment. You had the choice, not I. The only one I ever made throughout our times together was the initiation. After that, the burden (as light as it may be for you) was placed on your shoulders. It was an intricate dance in which you had taken the lead and I was more than willing to follow. The beat of our song changed, the tempo increased. Soon, our minds and emotions were moving together at a feverish pace. Completely unwilling to hold on through the ride, you let go. Dizzy and alone, I fell to my knees. The pain of the situation didn't begin to set in until a while later. You were like a drug that had found its ways into my veins, my heart, and my brain. I'd conviinced myself that I could just quit you, that you were like any other I'd dealt with. Confusion, anger, resentment soon wore me down. I needed to know why. It was a question that burned into me and ached to be answered. Being shut away from the one you love is a feeling that can only be compared to that of a plant out of sunlight. I need your affectionate rays, but clouds of deceit had overcast your blue skies. There is a question that all of us ask at one point in time or another, whether we are aware of its presence or not. It is one that nags and tugs at the brain, pulls the heartstrings, and rips the nerves to shreds. Why do others lie? What do they have to gain? What have I done wrong? What did I do to deserve this? They are all combined into one giant, enigmatic question: Why? At this point in time, I felt this relentless question for you. I needed the answer, but you offered none. Eventually, I supressed my "why"s and you came back like the calm after the storm. I let myself fall victim to that feeling of you once more, that invigorating sense of belonging. I was yours. You convinced me that it was just you and I against the world; that we were in this thing together from now on. Life went on in our tiny battlefield. You fought the good fight at work and i at school. We strode hand-in-hand through public, announcing to the world that we were indifferent to their opinions. Or at least I was... The next departure occured a few weeks later. The burning "why"s came back and in scores this time. I couldn't avoid them. Soon, I began flooding you with calls, cries for help; demands for answers. I felt lied to, betrayed. Hot tears filled my eyes and did not stop falling until a neutral zone was found once again. You've never seemed to understand that you can't just run away from people. You can't hide behind your employer and you can't slink away to the confines of your own home. You made your bed, but you're expecting me to sleep in it. Each blow against us, every angry word, heated arguement, and step too far was whole-heartedly blamed on me. I blamed myself as well for a long time. I even apologized for your mistakes. I was no longer capable of being myself around you, I was so afraid that you would threaten to leave again. You used that against me as well. I was the enemy who had exposed their Achilles' heel and now you were striking it, bringing me to my knees in the process. My heart and its future was at your mercy; left under the rule of your blind justice. I did it all for love. I hadn't a clue where my love had gone. Where was the genuine, honest, witty, eloquent, soulful, and wonderous human being I had once known? Was he hiding somewhere in the back of your mind; being kept in storage for better use someday? Or was he simply a figment of my over-active imagination? I know this cannot be so because I saw him, felt him, and loved him. Those are too real to be illusions. Perhaps this "new" you is the person kept within all along. Why then, oh why, did you lead me to believe otherwise? |
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