| YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE BRUISED TO BE ABUSED! 15 WARNING SIGNS OF AN ABUSER These warning signs (and this beautiful background) come courtesy of the Project for Victims of Family Violence, in Fayetteville, Ark. A PUSH FOR QUICK INVOLVEMENT: Comes on very strong, claiming, "I've never felt this way about anyone". An abuser pushes for an exclusive commitment almost immediately. JEALOUSY: Excessively possessive; calls constantly or visits unexpectedly. Prevents or tries to prevent you from going to work because "you might meet someone". Checks the mileage on your car. CONTROLLING: Interrogates you intensely (especially if you are late) about whom you talked to and where you are going; keeps all the money; insists you ask permission to go anywhere or do anything. UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS: Expects you to be the perfect mate and meet his or her every need. Financially, and otherwise. ISOLATION: Tries to cut you off from family and friends; accuses people who are your supporters of "causing trouble". The abuser may try to deprive you of a phone or car, or even try to prevent you from holding a job. BLAMES OTHERS FOR THEIR PROBLEMS AND MISTAKES: It is always someone else's fault if something goes wrong or doesn't go their way. MAKES OTHERS RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS OR HER FEELINGS: The abuser says, "You make me angry" instead of "I am angry" or, "You're hurting me by not doing what I tell you". Less obvious is the claim, "You make me happy" (as opposed to "You make me happy when..." or "I have a great time just being with you..."). No one person can or should be responsible for another's total happiness. Guilt trips are another form of emotional abuse. HYPERSENSITIVITY: Is easily insulted (or acts that way) claiming that his or her feelings are hurt (and that you are responsible for it) when they are really just angry. Rants about the "injustice" of things that are just a part of life. CRUELTY TO ANIMALS AND CHILDREN: Kills or brutally punishes animals, or neglects those under his or her care. Also may expect children to do things far beyond their ability (whips/spanks a 2-year-old for wetting a diaper) or may tease them until they cry. Sixty-five percent of abusers who beat their partners will also abuse children. "PLAYFUL" USE OF FORCE DURING SEX: Enjoys throwing you down or holding you down against your will during sex; finds the idea of rape exciting, and may insist that "all women have a rape fantasy" to justify these thoughts/actions. VERBAL ABUSE: Constantly critisizes you, or says blatantly cruel, hurtful things; degrades, curses, calls you ugle names. This may also involve sleep deprevation, waking you up with verbal abuse. RIGID SEX ROLES: Men who expect women to serve, obey, remain at home; or women who expect men to work to fulfill their every need. Not to be confused with a "traditional" marriage or relationship. In this situation, the abused has no say in what their role entails. SUDDEN MOOD SWINGS: Switches from sweetly loving to explosively violent in a matter of minutes. PAST BATTERING: Admits to hurting a mate in the past, but says they "made" him or her do it, or the situation brought it on. Remember - an abuser will never claim responsibility for their negetive and hurtful actions. THREATS OF VIOLENCE: Makes statements like, "I could kill you!" or "I'll break you neck!", and then dismisses them with, "Everyone talks that way", or "You know I didn't really mean it". Remember, you don't have to be female to be abused, and you don't have to be a man to be the abuser. Not all violence is physical - many times, it is mental and the abuser displays behaviors that can be defined as psychopathic. Not all violence occurs between hetersosexual couples or married/long committed couples - I was dating a man only a week when he asked me to marry him. I was with him three weeks when I left him, but he refused to let go and would show up in places I was known to frequent. I was forced to get a restraining order against him two months after that when he started harassing me again and lied to the police about it. EVEN IF THE SITUATION IS A HE-SAID/SHE SAID, BE SURE TO REPORT IT!!! The police and the court systems are not stupid - they will be able to see who is telling the truth! Know that if your abuser has gone this far, it is time to get out! Even if all you have are the clothes on your back, there are shelters and resources that can help you. The toll-free phone number for the National Domestic Violence Hotline is 1-800-799-7233. No one deserves to be a victim of domestic violence. |