| Hey, all! |
| I know some of you have heard this story, but for those who have not and want a laugh you can have one at my expense! We have all had blind dates (some of us more than others, so I am sure we can all appreciate this one!) I call this one "The Missing Link"; or as my brother put it, "How My Little Sister Turned a Suave, Debonair, Charming Disarmer...Into a Babbling Idiot". (January, 2002) |
| "The Missing Link" |
| Here are excerpts from our conversation. The ellipses indicate where I responded...or just stared at him in abject horror! |
| "I hate Cindy Crawford, she likes to act like she is so perfect; but I saw her in a movie once where she had a nude scene - she has really small nipples...Oh, did I just offend you? I can't believe I just said that, especially on a first date. It's just that I'm trying to say if you are going to act perfect, you should be perfect...I'm sorry if I offended you...are you offended?...You have really stunning breasts, you know...did I just offend you again?...I'm sorry, I just couldn't help but notice them - they are very round and firm...that sweater you are wearing fits you very well...it's a dress?...Oh, I guess that's why it goes down to your knees...I feel like a bum showing up for dinner in jeans and a T-shirt, but I have to watch my budget, because I am unemployed...did I forget to mention that? I'm sorry...I've been laid off twice in the past five months. I'm hopeful on this interview I have next week...I bought a new car two weeks ago...yes, after I was laid off...Oh, about my divorce, I am not quite divorced yet...we still have to go to court...we are separated...two months now...well, almost two months, but the marriage was over long before we split up, we just sort of hung around because neither one wanted to go through the hassle of leaving, you know how it is...we were married for 17 months...my ex-wife - well, almost ex-wife - is a size 0....would you like to see a picture of her? [At this point he pulls out a computer scanned picture mounted on a piece of awkwardly cut cardboard]...she thought she was all that, but she isn't...you are much prettier...your ad was right, you are voluptuous [yes, I had placed a personal ad!]...I used to be voluptuous, but that was 200 pounds ago...by the way, that dessert looks awesome...no, I cannot try any - I'm lactose intolerant...if I eat even the smallest amount of dairy, I get gassy and crampy...and I get massive diarrhea...did I just offend you again? I'm sorry, I just feel like I can tell you anything. You are so disarming...I'm usually the one who is charming and disarming on a date, but you...WOW....you are so sexy, did I tell you that yet? Not to be a pig, but I love the way you walk. I was watching you...I suffer from depression. I take Zocor for it. I was on Paxil, but it left me unable to perform sexually...did I just offend you? I'm sorry, like I said I feel like I can tell you anything. Did I tell you I was unemployed? I told you twice already? Wow...I can't believe I said that. At least not on a first date...I was a [makes strange hand sign] until I was, you know...a virgin until I was married...does that make a difference to you? That I am not all that sexually experienced? I've had the chance to go with other women, but then I found out I had to pay them...or at least spend a lot of money on them...; |
| It goes on and on - I think I stayed because the salad bar at Ruby Tuesday's is so good, and I wanted to see just how offensive this man got. He was making animal noises during dinner - a chicken, since he was eating chicken; he started grunting like a pig when he noticed I had bacon bits on my salad. Later, we went to the bookstore for coffee and because he wanted to "people watch" and "make fun of all the losers out there" (Hello..the clue phone is ringing for you, dude!!). He insulted Marilyn Monroe as a "dumb blonde" (really bad move) and snuck up behind me and started grunting like a pig in my left ear when he saw me looking at a book of baby animals (there was a pig on the cover). Apparently, he thought I would find this a "turn on", since I said I like animals. |
| As for his looks, check out the title of this story. He looked kind of cute in his picture, and he described himself as handsome (and those who know me know I feel looks should not be a huge factor in accepting a date...but they are an important factor.). He looked like the missing link. He had breasts almost as big as mine. I swear he could have worn a 40C cup (Marilyn Monroe wore a 40C, for those who need a visual reference). He was madly in need of a Kosmo Kramer "Bro" (I don't watch Seinfeld, and even I know what one of those are!). He had hair growing where I did not know hair could grow. I know I like long hair a man, but only when it is growing out of his scalp - not his ears, nostrils, knuckles...Anyway, it turns out that the picture on this thing's profile was a few years old...in fact, it was a copy of his WEDDING PICTURE with his wife cut out of it. |
| At the end of this lovely night, he kept me out in the parking lot in the freezing cold because he was hoping for a goodnight kiss (eeeeeeeek!) I thank God I have a rule about not kissing on first dates. As I go to get in my car he goes, "Let me give you a hug." Before I could put my arms up to keep some space between us he bear hugs me. My arms were stuck to my sides and I thought he was going to crush me (I hear Neanderthal man was very strong...). I thought I was going to throw up - not only from the horror of him touching me, but also from the stench of his cheap cologne! I ended up catching pneumonia and spent Christmas AND New Year's sick! Adding insult to injury, he accused me of lying to him as an attempt to "blow him off". Just the idea of him and the word "blow" in the same sentence gave me nasty shivers! Or maybe it was just chills from being so sick! |