Title: Never, Neverland part 5/10
Author: Kjiara
Author's E-Mail: kayjay@sunwave.net
Category: PJR
Rating: PG-13
Spoilers: Season three
Archive: Yes, just give credit where due
Feedback: Makes my day!
http://www.geocities.com/kjiara
Disclaimer: I don't own any of 'em.
Summary: What if Cinderella Story had a slightly different ending?



Never, Neverland part 5/10
by Kjiara


Carson swallowed a painful lump in her throat.  Her heart was
beating so fast it hurt.  She was standing in the hallway, staring
at Doug Witter's apartment door.  "Well, kiddo, it's now or
never," she said to herself as she rang the bell.

She had thought she was ready for this.  Had been up all night
preparing herself.  But here, now, seeing him again for the first
time in almost six years, she wasn't anywhere near ready for what
she was feeling.  "Hello, Doug."  She couldn't breathe.

"Carson."  Doug's expression was stone cold.

"I - um, can I. . ."  She waved toward the apartment.  She
couldn't ever remember being this nervous.

Doug just looked at her for a moment then stepped away from the
door.  "Yeah.  Come on in."

"Thank you."  She looked around the apartment.  "I like what
you've done.  Very comfortable."

"Yeah, thanks."  Doug followed her around the room with his eyes. 
"What do you want, Carse?"

Carson was shocked at his icy tone.  She hadn't expected a warm
reception but this was worse than she had imagined.  She opened
her mouth to speak and found herself wordless.  How could she even
begin to explain why she had done the things she had?  She picked
a picture up off the mantle, smiling at the three people laughing
helplessly in the water.  Doug had his nine year-old brother up on
his shoulders and Pacey was shooting Carson with a water pistol. 
"I remember when John took this.  That was a great day.  For once
everyone had a good time together.  You and Pacey actually acted
like brothers that day."

"Why are you here, Carson?" Doug repeated, taking the picture from
her and setting it back on the mantle.  

"Pacey tells me you guys are getting along pretty well now.  Have
been since he moved in here," she once again evaded his question.

Doug sighed and scrubbed his face with his hand.  "Fine, you want
to talk about Pacey.  Yes things have been going well.  He's a
good kid."

"I've said that all along," Carson said with a knowing smile.

"Yes, you did.  Listen, Carson, I'm sure you didn't come here to
talk about my little brother.  You probably know more about him
than I do.  So why don't you just tell me what you want and then
get out."

Carson could feel her throat tighten.  "Doug," she started.  "I,
um, dammit this is hard.  I need for you to know why I left."

"Carson. . ." Doug began.

"No!  Please, Doug, I need to tell you.  It's very important." 
She cleared her throat and fought the sting behind her eyes.  "I
can only hope you can try to understand why I did what I thought
was best for everyone at the time."

Doug snorted.  "Please tell me how disappearing from my life was
the best thing for me, Carson!   One day we were talking about
marriage, the next you'd just vanished into thin air!" he yelled.

Carson could feel the pressure increasing behind her eyes.  She
had to do this.  One more deep breath.  "I know the way I took off
hurt you.  I am so very sorry for that.  But I truly thought I was
doing the right thing."  She turned to look out the window so she
didn't have to see him as she spoke.  "The day I left we were
supposed to meet at your parents place.  When I got there things
were pretty much following the norm.  Your dad was torturing Pacey
and your mother was pretending not to see it.  When your dad was
through with him, you started.  It was too much for me.  I could
no longer stand by and quietly watch what amounted to child
abuse."

"Now wait a minute -"

Carson whirled back around.  "No!  No, Doug.  What you and your
father did to that boy was horrible.  You may never have laid a
hand on him but John did.  And the verbal bashing you did left its
fair share of scars.  So don't try to tell me it wasn't abuse!"

Doug hung his head.  "I know.  And I hope one day Pacey will be
able to forgive me for the things that happened in that house."

"He already has, Doug.  He already has.  Which is just one more
thing that proves to me how amazing he truly is and how lucky you
are to have him." 

Doug nodded, his smile sad.  "So that's why you left?  You
couldn't bear to see us hurt Pacey any more?"  The idea wasn't
completely out of line but it didn't really wash.

"In a way, but not really."  She sat down and indicated he should
do the same.  "I had always hated what you did.  You knew that. 
You even tried at times to be nicer to Pacey for me.  But, Doug,
that day was different."  She picked up one of the many cushions
decorating the couch.

"I'm not sure what you're saying."

"When I came to the house that day I was already in a pretty
fragile mood.  I guess terrified is a better word."  

"Why?  What happened?"  Doug asked, the worry evident in his
voice.  "Did you have a run in with Walker or something?"

Carson visibly twitched at the mention of her father.  "No.  No,
this one was all about us."  She bit her lip and plucked at the
cushion.  "I'd just found out I was pregnant."

"You -" Doug choked on the words.  She couldn't have been.  She
wouldn't do that to him.

"I'm sorry, Doug.  And I won't blame you if you hate me forever. 
But you have to remember what it was like then.  I was treated
like crap in this town because of my mother.  I knew how painful
it was for a child to hear they were worth less than nothing.  I
knew what it was like to be a child people didn't want around. 
When I heard you saying those same things to Pacey, I just broke. 
I knew I couldn't let my child be raised in that same atmosphere."

"You were afraid I would treat our child the way I treated Pacey." 
It wasn't a question.

"I know it may not seem fair, Doug, but -"

"No, I think it's more than fair."  Doug got up and began to pace. 
"The worst part is it's my own damn fault.  I knew what I was
doing was wrong but I was more afraid of my father than I was
protective of Pacey.  Why would you want me to raise your child?"

"Doug, I -"

"Did you keep the baby?" he asked suddenly stopping his pacing to
face her.

"Yes, I did.  Her name is Sarah and she just turned five."

Doug smiled.  "After my grandmother."

"She was a special lady."

"Would I be out of line asking why you're here now?  Why you
thought I deserved to know this?"

"Your brother."

"Pacey?  Why, what did he do?"

"He told me how hard you've been working at mending your
relationship with him.  How you now stick up for him to your
father.  And he reminded me of a few things."

Doug raised and inquiring eyebrow.

"He reminded me how close you always were to the girls.  That your
sisters adored you.  That your father was as hard or harder on you
than he was on Pacey.  That most of your actions came not from any
hatred for you brother but fear of your father.  He also said he
didn't think that fear existed anymore.  He seems pretty sure
you'd be a good father." 
 
Doug's eyes filled.  "Well, remind me to thank him."  He cleared
his throat.  "Carson?"

"Yes?"

"Am I going to get to meet Sarah?" he asked, the hope unmistakable
in his voice.

"Yes, but," she looked up at Doug, her eyes serious, "if I *ever*
see even an inkling of the treatment you subjected Pacey to, I
will take Sarah and run.  You'll never see her again."  She waited
for him to nod his agreement then she went to the window and waved
to the car parked on the street.  

Just seconds later Pacey entered the apartment carrying his sleepy
niece.  "She's getting a bit cranky," he said, smiling as he
handed the child to her mother.  "She was trying to go to sleep."

"It's a car thing," Carson said, smoothing the dark hair back from
her daughter's face.  "Sarah bear, there's someone here who wants
to say hi.  Is that okay?"

Sarah nodded her head against her mother's shoulder.

"Sarah, do you remember what I told you about your daddy?"

"He loves me lots," Sarah mumbled sleepily.

"That's right.  He does."  She smiled at Doug.  "Honey bear, he's
here to see you."

"Daddy?"  Sarah lifted her head and looked shyly at Doug. 
"Daddy?"

"Hi, Sarah."

She once again hid her head in her mother's shoulder.  "She's just
playing shy."  Carson reassured Doug.  "Sarah, do you want to go
see Daddy?"

Sarah nodded her head.  "'Kay."

Doug lifted her into his arms and she snuggled in close laying her
head on his shoulder, her trust in him complete.  He felt the
tears come.  This was his child.  This precious warm body was the
end result of his love for Carson.  He held Sarah tight and looked
over her head at her mother and mouthed,'Thank you'.

                         ~*~
                           
                           
"So Carson's still there?" Joey asked around a mouthful of Chunky
Monkey.

Pacey nodded.  "Yeah.  They put Sarah down for a nap and were
having a very overdue talk when I left."  He dipped his spoon into
the ice cream carton.  "I can't believe Doug's a father."

Joey laughed.  "I know.  I had the same feeling when Bessie had
Alexander.  I mean, she's my big sister.  How can she be someone's
mom?"  

"When Carrie had her kids it wasn't weird but then she'd been gone
for a while so it was different."  He smiled.   "You should have
seen him with Sarah, Jo.  The look on his face. . ."

"Love at first sight huh?"

"Yeah, head over heels," he chuckled.  "She's gonna have him so
wrapped."  

Joe watched his face as he thought about his brother's new family. 
"So you think he's gonna be a good father?"

"Yeah.  As long as he remembers to do everything  exactly the
opposite of the way our father did it."  He played absently with
the blanket covering her legs.  "Jo, can I ask you a question?"

"Of course."

"Do you think that I can be a good father?" he asked, unable to
meet her eyes.

Joey was startled by the question.  He never did make things easy
did he?  She weighed her words carefully before answering,
refusing to sugar coat anything for him, knowing he wanted her
honesty.  "Pacey," she began, "you hear all the time about people
who were abused becoming abusers themselves.  How the cycle
repeats itself.  But I think you will be one of the exceptions."

He lifted his head to look into her eyes.  "Why?"

More than anything Joey wanted to pull him into her arms and sooth
away his fears.  Instead she took his hand.  "I've known you my
whole life, Pacey.  And I have never once heard you say something
intentionally cruel."  He moved to interrupt her.  She waved him
off.  "There have been times when you have spoken thoughtlessly. 
Everyone does.  But have you ever intentionally hurt someone you
cared about?  No.  Even when we would get into our little verbal
skirmishes you were always careful about my feelings, trying very
hard not to cross the line."  She reached up and stroked his cheek
gently.  "You don't hurt, Pacey."

Pacey was speechless.  This was Joey, his Joey, saying these
things about him.  "But. . ."

"No buts.  Think about it.  Who is the one we all turn to when we
need to be rescued, hmm?  And before you say anything, yes, I know
you've had fights.  But what were they about?  Us, your friends. 
Every time it was because someone had hurt a person you cared
about.  You look after people, Pacey.  You look after me."

Pacey's smile was a bit soggy but still bright.  "Thanks, Joey. 
It means a lot to hear that, especially from you."  

"Why especially from me?" she asked hopefully.

Pacey shrugged.  "If it came from any of the others I would have
to weigh what they said against how hard they'd be trying not to
hurt my feelings.  With you its different."

Joey wasn't sure she liked where this was going.  "Why's that?"

"Because, they're my friends.  It's their job to say nice things
about me, especially to my face."

Joey felt her chest tighten.  "And, uh," she hesitated unable to
find the right words, "so you think I'll tell you the truth
because . . .?"

"C'mon, Joey.  We both know I'm not exactly your favourite person. 
If you say something nice about me, it must be true.  Right?"  It
hurt to say the words, but he knew them to be true.

Joey was caught off guard by the sudden vision of them laying
tangled together in bed aboard True Love, whispering loving
nonsense to each other.  How could he think that?  "Pacey, do you
really think I don't - that we're not friends?"  The thought was
unbearable.

He shrugged one shoulder.  "I know I think of you as my friend. 
Hell, you're my best friend.  I guess I just never thought you
would consider me. . . I don't know. . . Do you?"

She grabbed both his hands in hers.  "Dammit, Pacey.  Of course I
do.  God, how could you think that I didn't care about you?  After
everything we've been through this year, after the way you've been
there for me?  Everything we went through to be together, how much
we hurt everyone, how scared we were -"  She stopped suddenly
realising what she was saying.

Pacey looked at her as though she'd grown horns.  "What?"

"Nothing.  I was just babbling.  I think I need to rest" She began
to burrow under the covers hoping he'd leave it alone.

Pacey opened his mouth to comment then saw the fear in her eyes. 
He'd leave it for now.  She was, after all, still not fully
recovered from a rather serious head injury.  "Fine, you rest. 
But we will finish this conversation later," he warned, tucking
the blanket in around her.

Joey refused to open her eyes, knowing she'd be no match for his
searching gaze.

"Sleep well, Jo."  Pacey turned out the lights and closed the door
behind him.

                         ~*~
                           
"It's about time.  You do know you're like five days late," Buzz
sniped as soon as he opened the door to admit Pacey. 

"I've been otherwise engaged."  Pacey grabbed Buzz's bag from the
bench beside the door.  "You ready to go?"

Buzz crossed his arms in front of his chest.  "Who says I want to
go anywhere with you?"

"Your mother.  Let's go."  Pacey opened the door and ushered his
charge outside.

"I'm not gonna help you work on your stupid boat."  Buzz sniped.

"Then you can watch me."  Pacey stowed the bag in the backseat of
the car.

"Nice wheels.  What'd you do hit, the lottery?"  Buzz admired the
new car.

"It's a rental."  Pacey got in behind the wheel.  "It's only until
we settle things with the insurance company."

"Hey, what?  Insurance?  What happened, you smack up the other
one?"  Buzz asked, hoping for some gory details.

Pacey sighed.  "Yes, I was in an accident.  But before you ask,
no, it wasn't my fault.  The other idiot was drunk."

"That sucks."  Buzz considered for a moment.  "Were you hurt?  Is
that why you didn't come see me?"

"I'm fine, just a few scratches."

"Oh."  Buzz's mood shifted.

Pacey laughed.  "Don't sound so broken up about it.  A guy might
start to think you wanted me to be injured."

"How come you didn't come see me then, huh?  If you weren't hurt
what's your big excuse?"  Buzz asked belligerently.

Pacey kicked himself mentally for not realising how sensitive Buzz
would be to his seeming abandonment.  "I'm sorry, buddy.  I would
have been there but a friend of mine was hurt in the accident. 
She just got out of the hospital yesterday so I've been with her."

"Her?  A gi-irl?"  Buzz teased.  "Was it Joey?  The one you
loooove."

"Yes, it was Joey.  And she's going to be fine, thanks for
asking."

Buzz shrugged the sarcasm off.  "I knew she was okay."

"What?  How?  You psychic now too?"

"No, lame-o!  If she wasn't okay you wouldn't be here now, would
you?  God, people really think kids are stupid don't they?" Buzz
asked, insulted.

Pacey laughed.  "I doubt anyone would ever accuse you of being
stupid, Buzzman."  Pacey reached over to ruffle his hair.  "So you
ready to get to work?" he asked as they pulled into the boatyard.

"Like I have a choice."  Buzz grumbled.  "I think you got into
this mentoring thing just for the free labour."

"Yup, you got it."  Pacey grinned at Buzz and handed him a brush. 
"Now get to work."

"Yes, boss!" 

The end Never, Neverland part 5/10

I would love to hear what you think.

kayjay@sunwave.net