Title: Brother and Sister day 44: Heart to Heart
Author: Kjiara
Category: P/J
Rating: PG
Spoilers: True Love
Feedback: Makes my day!
Disclaimer: I don't own any of 'em.
Summary: Someone needs to hear the truth

Brother and Sister day 40: Heart to Heart
by Kjiara

Dawson Leery wandered aimlessly through the streets of Capeside. He was meant to be buying a birthday present for his mother but couldn't seem to get his heart into the task. Every other year he'd had help. Joey had *always* gone shopping with him. She invariably seemed to know exactly what his mother would prefer. Not this year. This year he was on his own, both figuratively and literally. Joey was off having adventures on the high seas with *Pacey* of all people. Dawson laughed ruefully, startling the elderly lady standing beside him at the crosswalk. He smiled sweetly at her but she still moved warily away. Figures. Not even sweet little old ladies will have anything to do with me, he thought bitterly.

The worst part about the whole Joey and Pacey thing was that he hadn't seen it coming. Was he really that blind? Or maybe it was stupidity. *Or* maybe it was like his mom said, that he was being typically obtuse and seeing only what he wanted to see. He sure as hell didn't want to see his Joey in Pacey Witter's arms. He shivered as he remember the sight of them holding onto each other even as they argued on his front lawn. Dawson doubted he was ever going to shake that painful picture loose. Hearing about their relationship from Jen was bad enough but to actually have to *see* Pacey with his hands on Joey was beyond disturbing. Dawson was so lost in his painful reverie that he didn't see the stroller until it was too late.

"Oomph! Oh, god. I'm so sorry," he apologised to the woman who's child he had almost tripped over. "I wasn't watching where I - Bessie?"

Bessie smiled him. "Hello, Dawson." She bent to sooth Alexander who was understandably upset by the incident.

"He's okay isn't he?" Dawson asked concerned.

Bessie laughed, lifting the toddler into her arms. "He's fine. Just cranky. He needs his nap." She bounced him gently until he settled down. "So, Dawson, how's your summer been? I haven't seen much of you since that day at the beach." Bessie said as she settled Alexander back into his stroller.

Dawson shrugged. "I wasn't sure if you'd want to see me. I was a bit of a jerk that day."

"Oh, phtt. Don't be ridiculous. You were having a rough time. I understand." She linked her arm through his. "C'mon. Let's make up for it. We'll have lunch." She steered him in the direction of his mother's restaurant.

Dawson wasn't sure what to do. the thought of spending an extended amount of time with Joey's protective big sister was less than appealing. "Um. . . Bessie? I really can't I have to um,"

Bessie stopped and turned to face him, crossing her arms over her chest. "You have to what, Dawson?"

Dawson was no match for her knowing glare. "Nothing. Nothing important." He sighed and smiled weakly. "I'd love to have lunch with you, Bessie."

Bessie smiled smugly. "Good boy."

Once they were settled into their table at 'Leery's Fresh Fish' and Bessie had assured herself that Alexander was down for the count, she turned to Dawson. "So, how are you holding up with Joey and Pacey gone?"

Dawson was a bit taken aback by the blunt nature of the question. "I - I guess I'm okay."

"Dawson, I've known you most of your life. You have been a part of my family's life for almost as long as I can remember. Please don't think you can't talk to me."

Dawson looked down at his hands. Then lifted his shoulders in a half hearted shrug. "I know that, Bessie. I just - well you're -"

"Dawson." He wouldn't look at her. "Dawson, look at me." He lifted his eyes to meet hers. "I know you're hurt, and I know you're angry. I just wanted you to know that if you need someone to talk to, I'm here. Maybe I can help you understand."

Dawson's temper flared. "What's to understand. Joey and Pacey went behind my back. They were more concerned about their hyperactive hormones than what their little liaison would do to those around them."

Bessie stared at him for a moment. She'd known this wasn't going to be easy going in. She just hadn't realised the depth of Dawson's bitterness. She reached across the table to take his hand. "Dawson, you don't believe that."

"What else am I supposed to believe?" he snapped. "That they weren't sneaking around behind my back? That they weren't lying to me for ages? That this is more than just some hormonal twitch that Pacey's having, some back handed way of getting back at me for having a better life than him?" He snatched his hand away from her. "I'm sorry, Bessie, but what would you have me believe?"

Bessie took a moment to gather her thoughts. She knew Dawson wasn't going to want to hear what she had to say. It was going to hurt him. But he really needed to hear it. But first there was something she needed to know. "Dawson, what did you say to Joey that day on your dock? The day she left?"

Dawson looked up startled. "What?"

"The day she left to go with Pacey. You two had a talk after your parents wedding. What did you say to her?"

Dawson fidgeted with his napkin. "I told her to go to him."

"Really? Why?"

"I don't know. Maybe I'm just masochistic,"

"I don't think so." She took his hand again. "Now, why don't you tell me the real reason."

"You want to know why? Because she basically told me the night before that I wasn't her first choice, that I wasn't who she wanted to be with. She felt she had no choice. She was stuck with me. Then all day at the wedding she had this dejected defeated expression on her face. God, Bessie. When she said good-bye to him. . . You know, I thought in that moment she actually wanted to be with me, where she belonged. But no. I had to see more pathetic pining, more melancholy Joey to brighten my day." He tool a deep breath. "I thought that if I told her to go to him, she would see that I really wanted what was best for her, that I was the one who *really* cared for her. After all he was leaving, running away. I just thought. . ." He just let the rest of the sentence trail off.

"You thought if she was given the freedom to make a real choice she'd pick you," Bessie finished.

Dawson nodded. "I truly believe we are meant to be together."

"Dawson, can I ask you something? And I need you to think about your answer very carefully. It's important."

He nodded cautiously.

"When did you start to think about getting back together with Joey?" She held up her hand as he started to answer. "No, I need you to consider this very carefully. When did you know that getting back together with her was what you really wanted?"

Dawson considered the question. When had he known Joey was the one he needed to be with? For months she had been in the periphery of his life. He had gone through a lot this year and she had for the most part been absent. He thought back to when she had re-entered his life in a big way and realised what Bessie was getting at. "You think I had a subconscious inkling that there was something going on between the two of them, don't you?"

"Did you?" Bessie asked quietly.

"NO!"

"Fine. Okay. Then tell me, when did you know you wanted Joey back?" Bessie pressed.

"Fine, you want to know? It was when she was taking dance lessons with Pacey, okay?" he huffed. "I thought they had something going on then. When I found out it was just dance lessons I felt this incredible sense of relief. Unfortunately it only lasted about six seconds because then Joey completely overreacted to some ridiculous sex arrangement Pacey had with Jen."

"So, you thought Joey had something going on with Pacey, and that bothered you?" Bessie asked carefully.

"Of course it bothered me."

"Why?"

"What do you mean why? Because, because, it was Joey."

"Oh-Kay. But it was a long time before you decided to ask her to come back to you. Why?"

Dawson shrugged again. "I don't know. I guess once I figured out there really wasn't anything going on between them I didn't think it was all that urgent. I could give it time."

"I just have one more question for you. Why didn't AJ bother you? I know for a fact he bugged the hell out of Pacey."

Dawson glared at her. "Good." She shot him a look. "Fine. I don't know why AJ didn't bother me. I guess I never saw him as a threat."

"And yet you saw Pacey as an immediate threat. Why is that?" she asked calmly.

"Because she wasn't falling in love with AJ right before my eyes, okay?" he gritted between clenched teeth. "And he wasn't in love with her."

Bessie nodded. "So you did see it?"

Dawson dropped his face into his hands. "How could I miss it?" he moaned. "I saw him falling. He didn't hide it well except maybe from Joey." He smiled sadly "He bought her a wall, Bessie. I mean, how could she not see it? There was no way I could miss it. A god damned wall!"

"Yeah, it wasn't the best kept secret. So why did this all come as such a surprise to you, Dawson."

"Because I never dreamt she'd allow herself to act on whatever feelings she may have developed for him. This *is* Pacey we're talking about. Their whole lives have been spent giving each other as hard a time as possible. I guess I was hoping she'd chalk it up to a hormonal crush and leave it at that."

"But she didn't."

"No, she didn't. Instead she turned her back on over ten years of friendship and betrayed the most beautiful relationship I have ever had," he fumed.

"After she had spent the last year with Pacey as her constant companion." Bessie pointed out. "Pacey was the one who was there for her this year, Dawson. Hell, he was there for our whole family. He was her friend, her confidante, her cheering squad, her knight in shining armour." She held up her hand as he began to scoff. "Don't underestimate the way it feels to have someone stand up for you. Through all of that, Dawson, Pacey never once asked for anything in return. He was just there for her."

"Yeah, right," he snorted.

Bessie shook her head at him. "Don't. I know they hurt you but you can't honestly tell me you think he had ulterior motives for his actions. Think about it Dawson. Has Pacey ever asked you for anything in return for his friendship? Or has he just been there for you no matter what?"

Dawson shrugged helplessly.

"Dawson, I'm sorry they hurt you. I know how painful this must be for you. But they do love each other. And as hard as they tried to fight it and as scared as they were of the fallout, they couldn't not be together. I saw them both the night she called it off. She was heartbroken. Not only did she think she'd lost her best friend but she'd given up the boy she loved. And Pacey." She shivered remembering the pain she's seen in those stricken blue eyes. "He was devastated, Dawson. Completely broken. He'd risked it all just to be with her and lost." She reached up to cup his cheek. "I know what it's like to be without the person you love. I know how it feels to take the safe and easy route, to not fight for what will ultimately bring you the most happiness. I know how hard it is to live with that lie." She smiled gently. "They have to be together, Dawson. For everyone's sake, including yours."

"How can you say that? You think this is what's best for me? That feeling like this is somehow good for me?"

"Isn't it better than knowing she's with you but in love with someone else? Which do you think is more painful in the long run?"

"She's right, "came a deep voice from behind her.

Bessie turned around, startled. "Bodie! I didn't think you were working today," she commented nervously.

"I had to drop something off." He returned his attention to Dawson. "Bessie is right, Dawson. You don't want the lie, no matter how pretty it may look. You would always know you weren't her first choice. That if she had it to do again she would pick him. It hurts and frankly, Dawson, it's just not worth it." He turned and left the restaurant.

Dawson for once couldn't find the words. He thought about everything Bessie and Bodie had said, combined with a few rumours he had heard floating about town. "You and Doug?"

Bessie nodded.

"When?"

"You don't remember? It was only five years ago."

Dawson thought back. He had never really paid much attention to his friends' older siblings. But he did remember a time when Bessie, Bodie and Doug were inseparable. "You were in love with Doug?"

"Yes."

"Then why were you with Bodie?"

"It's a very long and complicated story, Dawson. Though you may find it remarkably familiar. Suffice to say I made the wrong choice for the right reasons. I wanted my safety net and that was Bodie."

"But you loved Doug?"

"Yes, I did."

"I don't understand."

"I was faced with a frightening decision, Dawson. A nice neat tidy life with Bodie or risk everything including my heart and soul and be with Doug. "I took the easy way out. Or so I thought."

"But it turned out not to be so easy."

"No, not so easy. You see I still loved Doug with my whole heart. I had no room left. Eventually everything in my nice neat little world fell apart around me."

"And you think that's what would have happened if Joey had stayed with me?"

"I know it would, Dawson. Do you really want to be with someone who's heart belongs to someone else?" she asked as kindly as she could. "And do you really want two of the most important people in your life to be unhappy because they can't be where they belong?"

Dawson's eyes filled. "No. No, I don't. But, Bessie, how do I make it stop hurting?" he whispered.

She smiled sadly. "You just keep telling yourself you're doing the right thing. And you know in your heart that you have made two very special people happy." She squeezed his hand. "There is someone wonderful out there for you, Dawson. I know it. As a matter of fact, I almost pity the poor girl."

Dawson pulled back insulted. "Pardon me?"

Bessie laughed. "Think about it. Three of your closest friends are very strong, rather overprotective young women. It won't be easy for anyone to pass muster with all of them."

Dawson laughed, picturing Joey, Jen and Andie sitting on a panel questioning applicants for the position of Dawson Leery's girlfriend. "You may have a point there." He grinned at her. "Thanks, Bessie."

"You're welcome, Dawson. Just try to be happy, okay. And be happy for them."

He nodded, feeling better than he had in months. "I'll give it my best."

�����From: [email protected]
�����Date: August 1, 2000
�����To: [email protected]
�����Subject: Bon Voyage

�����This is the e-mail address Bessie had for you so I hope it works. I had lunch with her today. She's a smart lady. Had a lot to say to me about you and Joey. About the fact that the reason you are together is because you truly do love each other. I think I avoided knowing that. I could say the words to Joey when I told her to leave but in my heart I think I always believed (read: hoped) that it wasn't true.

�����I owe you an apology, Pace. I know how hard it must have been for you. I'm so sorry for what you had to go through to be together. I'm not saying it doesn't hurt and I do wish you had handled it differently but I think you both did your best in an increasingly impossible situation. I just hope that we can all heal whatever wounds we have when you two get back from your merry voyage.

�����I hope you are having the time of your lives. You both deserve some uninterrupted happiness.

�����I miss you. Take care of each other and tell Joey I miss her too.

�����Your friend,

�����Dawson

The End Sister and Brother Day 44: Heart to Heart