ABSURD PRODUCT WARNINGS

Washington Post: Sunday May 14, 1995, Final Edition:

* On a cardboard windshield sun shade:

"Warning: Do Not Drive With Sun Shield in Place."

* On an infant's bathtub:

Do not throw baby out with bath water.

* On a package of Fisherman's Friend(r) throat lozenges:

Not meant as substitute for human companionship.

* On a disposable razor:

Do not use this product during an earthquake.

* On a handgun:

Not recommended for use as a nutcracker.

* On a piano:

Harmful or fatal if swallowed.

* On a can of Fix-a-Flat:

Not to be used for breast augmentation.

* On work gloves:

For best results, do not leave at crime scene.

* On a blender:

Not for use as an aquarium.

* On a microscope: Objects are smaller and less alarming than they

appear.

* On children's alphabet blocks:

Letters may be used to construct words, phrases and sentences that may be

deemed offensive.

* On a wet suit:

Capacity, 1.

* On The Washington Post:

Do not cut up and use for blackmail note.