Real-live classifieds:

* Illiterate? Write today for free help.

* Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.

* Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.

* Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.

* Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

* Stock up and save. Limit: one.

* Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.

* 3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.

* Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.

* Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.

* Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00

* Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

* We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

* Man, honest. Will take anything.

* Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first.

* Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.

* Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

* And now, the Superstore-unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.

* We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home.