I just don't know how to live or breathe without you Josh. This past 16 months have been pure hell for me. I've had to learn a whole new language. one that talks of you in past tense. I haven't had any reprieve from this pain. Lonely would be an understatement of how it has been for me. I still look at your picture and shake my head in disbelief, How can you be dead??? Even writing those words don't feel real to me. I need to learn how to be around people again, especially ones who have their children safely with them. I have to learn how to sleep peacefully again without waking up not being able to breathe through crying so much. I have to learn how to smile again ( a real smile ) that is something that I haven't done since you were taken from me. I have been totally paralyzed in grief and I have to learn how to live all over again without you here with me. please show me how!. I wish like hell that I had appreciated what I had in you before it was too late. You were such an amazing boy with the kindest heart I have ever seen. You had a thousand watt smile and a twinkle in your eyes that could outshine all the stars in the universe. No conceivable number will ever measure the things that I miss about you. There is just no quick fix to this pain, apart from getting drunk but the pain is still there again when the sun rises on a new day. No one really understands what this hell is like unless they too have lost the light of their lives. When I finally leave the house, I walk around in a daze. Everywhere I go, there you are. You're in the new season clothes and the new songs in the music shops. You're every child on a skateboard with their caps on back to front and their baggy jeans on. I am just so envious of the mothers out there with all their children safely with them. The saddest thing Josh is that I am in so much pain every second of every day that I too forget that I still have an earth angel,Liam who needs me too. Liam has been trying to understand why his best friend isn't here anymore. I have tried to explain to him the best I can but how do I explain something that I don"t understand myself. There have been so many times when I have caught him crying for you. He has nightmares at least 4 times a week, where he just wakes up sobbing for you. He came into my room the other morning crying and angry and when I asked him what was wrong he said Josh can"t use his skateboard anymore he then cuddled into me and cried for half and hour. He may only be 4 but I think he is starting to get it. He said something else to me that I don't understand.Maybe you do but he said I've been trying and trying to get Joshua back Mummy but he won't come . I hate to think what this is doing to his little mind. And as for the Rainbows . OHHHHH THANK YOU son for enriching our lives with the beautiful colours everytime we see one of our Joshua Rainbows Liam and I say God bless you Josh . I could never explain the love I have in my heart when I see a Joshua Rainbow and you always seem to know just when I need to see one. I did say at your funeral that when I saw one I knew you would be thinking of me. Right now my heart is in a dark hole and I need your love, strength and guidance to get out. I now know that all the other things that I want from you I will never get. I will never get a cuddle or a smile or an I love you Mum but I ask that you show me the way like only you can do. Anyway my beautiful child I will sign off for now, there is no way to say goodbye so I will just say till we can be together again I love you sooooooooooo much Josh and will for eternity. You are my number one light.
You are MY ANGEL forever your Mum xxx
