Ferret Humor

Some Bouncing Furry Ferret Humor!!:):)



Now Every Ferret owner knows or atleast has to admit that Ferrets are one of the most funniest animals. From their little chuckle when their excited,or the war dance when happy, or when they are chasing something some owners are lucky enough to ceatch that single moment when they wiggle their tail. No matter what they are doing they are sure funny whille doing it! I have collected some of my favorite Ferret Paradies. I hope you think they are as good as I do. If you have any to add dont be afraid to drope me a line and I would be happy to put it on here.Enjoy!:)

These are basically a collection of funny Ferret storys and things about Ferrets. All of them are very funny.


How To Make Your Own Raisins
Here's a quick how-to for those of you who can't get enough raisins. We know alot of you like raisins, and we discovered a great way to get some. First, you need to get your Human to bring home these round, juicy things called grapes. Then your Human will most likely give you one to see if you like it. (They just can't resist) You probably won't like it, but that's okay. Pretend that you like it, then grab it and haul it to your hidey hole. Your Human will you think you took it off to eat. But don't eat it. Instead, push it to the deepest corner in your hidey hole and forget about it. Days and days later, you'll be looking through your stash and, oila, there will be raisins where the grape things were. Then you can enjoy them at your leisure instead of trying to act cute just to get your Human to give you one. They will also stick nicely to the carpet so you don't have to worry about them getting away. One word of warning: be sure to find a really, really good hiding place. Our Human found our hidey hole one day when he was cleaning. He got all irate about having to clean up the raisins. Then he stole our whole stash! Even worse, he plugged up our hidey hole so we couldn't get in there no more. But that's okay, we found an even better hidey hole. Now if we can just get him to bring more of them grape things home.....


Tidying Up
By Boingo, Lord of the Underbed Domain
There are many rules in my house. Bite the raisin, not the fingers. Bell collars must be worn at all times outside the cage. Don't eat the computer. Stay out of the bathroom. But the most important rule in my house is my very own rule: Anything on the floor is MINE!!
Humans are silly creatures. They spread their stuff out all over the house. There's stuff everywhere! In the kitchen, in the living room, in the bathroom (the coolest place cuz we're not supposed to go in there, and I know why, too!), in the bedroom. They put stuff in high places where it can't be conveniently reached, like shelves and countertops and cabinets. It's just irrational.
But I, being a good and generous ferret, try to do my part to keep the house tidy and well organized. Sometimes humans think they are doing the right thing, but they are just silly humans, and that's when we need to help them out and show them how to do things right.
For instance, they think that shoes go in the closet. Well, Mom does. Dad thinks they go on the floor by the door, but he's wrong, too. They go under the bed. This includes the fuzzy slippers. Usually I end up having to put them away properly.
The one that gets me, though, is the ferret stuff. Our own stuff, for us! Like Ferretone and Ferret-Off and nail clippers and ferret shampoo. Mom puts it all in a box on the kitchen counter. Does this make any sense to anyone? Cuz I don't get it. Where else should that stuff go but under the bed? It's perfectly obvious to me. Oh well, I guess not all beings are gifted with my keen organizational skills. So I suppose it's up to me to try to show them the way.
That's why I helped Mom last time she clipped Scamper's nails. While she was putting the Ferretone on his tummy, I made sure to put the Styptic powder bottle in its proper place (under the bed). Then while she was clipping I tried to put the Ferretone away but Mom took it from me and put it on the high table (sigh, will they ever learn??). But that's okay, cuz while she was doing that I grabbed the clippers. Heh.
One time, when we were new, Mom was taking pictures of us cuz she thinks we're so cute. She set the camera on the bed and went to do something. I thought she had left it there so I could put it away, so I did. Well, Mom was very confused when she came back. Humans can be slow sometimes. Finally she looked under the bed and found it, and for some reason, fished it out and put it in the cabinet. Maybe next time she'll get the hint.
Now, some ferrets might not mind having toys all over the place, but personally, I like to have them all where I know exactly where they are. Which should be under the bed, of course. The rubber chewy ring, the Kong Treasure and the bell-balls all go there. And the little fishing-pole thing with the fuzzy poofs at the end.
I try to get Mom to put her keys away. Too bad I can't talk, or I could explain that if you put them under the bed every time, you'll know where to find them when you need them. It's simple, really. I've put the car keys away a few times, but she never leaves the house keys where I can get them. She did drop a keychain one time and I put it away, but there's no keys on it and she's never gone looking for it so I think she may have been trying to trick me.
She also gives me these weird things to put away sometimes. They're small and square and really cold. It's fun to push them around on the tile floor with your nose, cuz they're real slippery. But the weird part is that after I put them away they seem to disappear. Even when I'm sure Mom hasn't been under the bed. I'm still trying to figure those things out.
We're usually not allowed in the bathroom, but sometimes someone forgets to shut the door (usually Dad) and I get in there. There's a bunch of stuff in there that needs tidying up. I've tried to let her know where the bag of cotton pads goes (under the bed) but she always moves them. And there's this really cool stuff called soap that smells really interesting in there. Mom had a stack of them on the bottom shelf and I started to relocate them, but she stopped me. Then she put them all in a plastic bag, which was nice cuz then I could move them all at once instead of one at a time. But she found the bag under the bed and put it up in the high cabinet. Sigh.
Even though it takes some effort to re-educate our humans, we should keep trying. It's not their fault that they are the way they are. All we can do is keep up our diligent housekeeping and try to keep things tidy!


How to Act Cute
Being rough and tough weezils, it may be somewhat difficult at first for some of you. But with enough practice, it will become second nature. Actually, it's not that hard. Humans already think we look cute, we just have to augment that perception. Here is a list of sure-fire ways to fool the Humans:
1. Lick Humans often--Humans love it when we lick them. They call it "kisses". We don't care what they call it, we just care they think it's cute. It's especially effective when you lick their ears. Then they make the happy sound known as a "laugh". That's a sure sign they think you're being cute. Be careful though, you might find that the Human tastes good and try to take a bite. Don't do this! It will undermine all your efforts at trying to be cute. For some reason, Humans don't think biting is cute (go figger).
2. Randomly run into things when you're playing--Humans sometimes take a sick pleasure in the misfortunes of others. They seem to find it cute when we accidentally run into something like a wall or the couch while wardancing. This usually results in a laugh. So we must make it a point to accidentally run into things on purpose. This is not to be confused with the times when we purposely run into things on purpose so we have an excuse to turn around and attack the offending object. Only accidentally on purpose will work in this situation.
3. Sleep in cute positions--Choosing the correct sleeping positions can greatly enhance your cuteness factor. Some of the most effective positions are curled up into a tight ball with your tail covering your face, the "yin-yang" position (this is especially effective with an albino and a dark sable together), and flat on your back with one front leg curled up on your chest and the other stretched strait out. An additional enhancement is to sleep with your tongue sticking half-way out. This often results in an "Oooooh" from the Human which is another happy sound and a sure sign of cuteness.
4. Do Human things--Humans just love to see little miniatures of themselves. Don't ask us why, that's just the way they are. So if you copy things your Human does, your cuteness quotient is almost guaranteed to go up. For example, if your Human is laying in bed with his head on the pillow, climb up and lay beside him with your head on the pillow also. If your Human is sitting on the floor watching TV, sit beside him and watch too. It's actually really easy to do cuz Humans are simplistic creatures.


Manifesto
The purpose of Ferrets for Earth Rule Today is Global Domination. Us Weezils will rule the earth. This will all be peaceful and subtle (and kinda sneaky too). We will use our greatest weapon: Humans think we are cute and adorable (even though we're not). Humans can't resist us. They just have to take us into their homes. They don't realize our superior intelligence. This makes it incredibly easy to infiltrate Human society. They fall right into our traps. When there are enough of us, we will be able to make our move. One day the humans will be subservient to us (at least more than they are now).
We feel it's important to teach the ferret way of life to Humans. Us weezils know the purpose of life is to have fun, play as much as possible, and be care- and worry-free. Humans don't realize this. They leave everyday to a place called Work, then come home all worn out and feeling down. They turn on the big noisy box with the moving pictures inside it and watch news about violence, hate, and war. Then they turn to us to make them feel good again. We enjoy making Humans happy, but day after day, this becomes alot of work and can cut into our own having fun time. When we take over the world we will abolish this place called Work and teach the Humans the ferret way of life so they too can have fun, play as much as possible, and be care- and worry-free.
We must also work to confiscate and hide under dressers the one threat to our very existence. That one threat is socks.....and remote controls. TWO threats to our existence. The TWO threats are socks and remote controls.....and small fuzzy stuffed animals. THREE threats. The THREE things that threaten our existence are socks, remote controls, and small fuzzy animals.....and squeaky toys. FOUR threats. The FOUR threats that must be confiscated as they are a threat to our existence are: socks, remote controls, small fuzzy stuffed animals, and squeaky toys......and............Oh, forget it. There are MULTIPLE items which must be confiscated and hid under dressers by us. (What did you expect, the Weezil Inquisition?)*
The number one, most importantest thing we need to do is play and have fun! This is our whole purpose for living. A day just isn't a day unless you can wardance with such reckless abandonment that you bounce into that wall you didn't see, which gets you even more excited and makes you run headfirst into the couch, so you turn around the attack the offending couch, during which you hit your Humans feet, after which you reach the height of excitement and fun and totally freak out and then collapse in a quivering mass of over-funned weezil, which fortunately only lasts a few seconds so you can do it all over again. (Whew! That made us tired just typing it.)


Purpose: Global Domination
Goals:
1. Peaceful and subtle takeover of the entire world
2. Teach the ferret way of life to humans everywhere
3. Confiscate all socks, as they are a threat to our very existence
4. Most importantly: Play and have fun



The next things are differen't Ferret rules I found. I find all of them very funny and cute (especally the Ferret Property Laws) and even true!

Ferret Property Laws
17. If I lose interest in it...it's STILL mine!
16. If it's food, it's mine.
15. If it's out of your reach, it's mine.
14. If I can drag it under the couch, it's mine.
13. If I let you play with it, it's mine.
12. If I think it's mine, it's mine.
11. If it looks just like mine, it's mine.
10. If it's broken, it's yours, when it's fixed, it's mine.
9. If I'm breaking or hiding something, all the pieces are mine.
8. If you are playing with something and put it down, it automatically becomes mine.
7. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
6. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
5. If I can take it from you, it's mine.
4. If I saw it first, it's mine.
3. If it's in my paw, it's mine.
2. If it's in my mouth, it's mine.
1. If I like it, it's mine.



Basic Rules For Ferrets Who Have A House To Run
1. If you have to poop, the best place to do it is right beside the litterbox. Your person will appreciate your not messing it up after they spent so much time getting it clean. If you can't make it there, the next best place is in front of the door.

2. Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get a door open, madly dig at the carpet in front of it. Your person may have put down carpet protector in front of the door. DON'T MESS UP THEIR CARPET PROTECTOR. Dig at the carpet just beside it. When the door opens, do your best imitation of a streak of greased lightning.

3. If a guest seems to be afraid of you, investigate him first. Try to crawl up his pants leg to become better acquainted. If you get stuck, digging will help you wiggle just a little bit further.

4. If any guest remarks on how adorable you are, nip her on the nose to demonstrate that you have a playful side too.

5. Accompany guests to the bathroom, this is the best time to investigate their clothes.

6. If one of your humans is working, sewing, knitting, or writing and another is idle, stay with the busy one. Get right in the middle of whatever he is doing. This is known as "being helpful."

7. For book readers, it is most helpful to crawl across the pages of the book. Try to stick your head between the pages and see how far they have read.

8. When supervising cooking, get right behind your human's feet. You cannot be seen, therefore you stand a better chance of being stepped on, picked up, and consoled. If done right, this often results in a treat from the guilty human.

9. It is important to get enough sleep during the day so you are fresh during the optimum play time between 2:00 and 4:00 A.M. preferably on your human's bed so they can join in the fun.

10.)Most importantly, begin people training early. Humans are difficult to train, but they can be taught if you start early and are consistent.




Top Ten Signs Your Ferret Has Learned Your Internet Password By Ed Lazarowitz, (with apologies to Dave Fore

10. E-Mail flames come in from some guy named "Bandit".
9. Traces of kitty litter or cedar chips appear in your keyboard.
8. You find you've been subscribed to strange newsgroups like alt.rec.fuzzy.butts.
7. Your web browser has a new home page added to the Bookmarks section:
6. Your mouse has teeth marks in it... and a faintly pleasant aroma of Ferretone on it.
5. Hate-mail messages to Apple Computer Corp. about their release of "CyberDog" appear in your Eudora OutBox.
4. Your new ergonomic keyboard has a strange, musky territorial scent to it.
3. You keep finding new software around your house like FuzzInTax and WarWhoop II.
2. On IRC you're suddenly known as the IronHooter.
1. You find little ferret-sized carpal-tunnel braces in the cage, near the food dish.

Top Seven Reasons Why Ferrets Would Make a Better President By Kyra!
7. "Open Door" Policy.
6. You already know the president is "a little thief"...
5. "Just say Play!"
4. Emphasis on Education. What's in here? What's over there? What's this?.....
3. In addition to already mandated breaks, all work places will be required to have a mandatory Nap Time.
2. Presidential speeches that cut into TV programs, etc will never exceed 15 minutes.
1. Power struggles reduced to turning all the world leaders lose in a room and whoever bites everyones' ears, and butt first is the Dominant Power.

I don't have alot of these but I found some Ferret Jokes and I thought they were cute.


Q: How do you drive a ferret crazy?
A: Give him a round litter pan.
Q: Why does a ferret get frustrated if you spray Bitter Apple on your feet or put on shoes to thwart him?
A: Ferrets are lack-toes intolerant.


Over the years of being a Ferret owner I have found many differen't cute and funny Ferret Cartoons. I think they are very cute and very funny and any Ferret owner would agree with me. I also have some Ferret parodies I have found.



















The Budwiser Beer Company used a Ferret in their advertising a few years ago. I maniged to find a screen shot from the add.I think its cool that a Ferret was on T.V.!



I would like to thank the following people for having wonderful Ferret sites and letting me use some of their Ferret Humor!

The Weezles Of Doom Over At F.E.R.T.
The Weezles Of Doom

Stedler's World Of Cartoons
Stedler's Ferret Cartoons




© 2003 Kittyhawk with Ferrets: Wonderful Creatures, All Rights Reserved 1
Hosted by www.Geocities.ws