Jokes and Fun

How do you know if there is an elephant under your bed?
Your nose is touching the ceiling.

One day six wise, blind elephants were discussing what humans were like. Failing to agree, they decided to determine what humans were like by direct experience.

The first wise, blind elephant felt the human, and declared, "Humans are flat."

The other wise, blind elephants, after similarly feeling the human, agreed.

Is this really a spiral??????

"How true, how true!!!

MY RESIGNATION

I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult. I Have decided I would like to accept the responsibilities of an 8 year-old again.

I want to go to McDonald's and think that it's a four star restaurant.

I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make a sidewalk with rocks.

I want to think M&Ms are better than money because you can eat them.

I want to lie under a big oak tree and run a lemonade stand with my friends on a hot summer's day.

I want to return to a time when life was simple; When all you knew were colors, multiplication tables, and nursery rhymes, but that didn't bother you, because didn't know what you didn't know and you didn't care.

All you knew was to be happy because you were Blissfully unaware of all the things that should make you worried or upset.

I want to think the world is fair. That everyone is honest and good.

I want to believe that anything is possible.

I want to be oblivious to the complexities of life and be overly excited by the little things again.

I want to live simple again. I don't want my day to consist of computer crashes, mountains of paperwork, depressing news, how to survive more days in the month than there is money in the bank, doctor bills, gossip, illness, and loss of loved ones.

I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a kind, truth, justice, peace, dreams, the imagination, mankind, and making angels in the snow.

So . . . here's my checkbook and my car-keys, my credit card bills and my 401K statements.

I am officially resigning from adulthood. And if you want to discuss this further, you'll have to catch me first, cause........

"Tag! You're it."

I want to be a kid again. I want to go back to the time when............
Decisions were made by going "eeny-meeny-miney-mo."

Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming, "do over!"

"Race issue" meant arguing about who ran the fastest.

Money issues were handled by whoever was the banker in "Monopoly."

Catching the fireflies could happily occupy an entire evening.

It wasn't odd to have two or three "best" friends.

Being old referred to anyone over 20.

The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was cooties.

It was magic when dad would "remove" his thumb.

It was unbelievable that dodgeball wasn't an Olympic event.

Having a weapon in school meant being caught with a slingshot.

Life's Laws

1. The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
2. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
3. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
4. Deja moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
5. Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people is mentally ill. Check three friends. If they're OK, you're it.
6. Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
7. A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
8. Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
9. If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
10. Corollary: If you are given a take-home test, you will forget where you live.
11. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
12. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
13. Drinker's Law: You can't fall off the floor.
14. The average woman would rather have beauty than brains because the average man can see better than he can think.
15. Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
16. Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.
17. Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
18. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
19. Since light travels faster than sound, is that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
20. If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
21. Why do you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead?
22. Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?
23. Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
24. Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?
25. Why do they call it the Department of the Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
26. Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
27. Sponges grow in the ocean.... That kills me! I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if THAT didn't happen?
28. Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?
29. Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
30. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
31. Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
32. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
33. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
34. How do I set my laser printer on stun?
35. How is it possible to have a civil war?
36. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
37. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
38. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
39. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
40. If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?
41. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
42. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
43. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?
44. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
45. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
46. If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the stuff?
47. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
48. If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why doesn't everyone just move 10 miles away?
49. Why are they called apartments, when they are stuck together?
50. Why is it you have a "pair" of pants and only one bra?
51. When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss? Didn't they nearly hit? 52. How come abbreviated is such a long word?
53. If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
54. How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
55. If "con" is the opposite of "pro", then what is opposite of progress?
56. Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?
57. Why do we park in a driveway and drive in a parkway?
58. I went to a bookstore and asked a saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
59. I went to a cosmetic counter, and saw these little bottle of perfumes in a basket, I asked the lady behind the counter "Are these things free?", at which she replied, "Free with any purchase." I said, "Did anyone BUY anything today?"

Laughing too much to finish.. he he

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How do you know if there is an elephant under your bed? Your nose is touching the ceiling. One day six wise, blind elephants were discussing what humans were like. Failing to agree, they decided to determine what humans were like by direct experience. The first wise, blind elephant felt the human, and declared, "Humans are flat." The other wise, blind elephants, after similarly feeling the human, agreed.	Is this really a spiral??????
"How true, how true!!! MY RESIGNATION I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult. I Have decided I would like to accept the responsibilities of an 8 year-old again. I want to go to McDonald's and think that it's a four star restaurant. I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make a sidewalk with rocks. I want to think M&Ms are better than money because you can eat them. I want to lie under a big oak tree and run a lemonade stand with my friends on a hot summer's day. I want to return to a time when life was simple; When all you knew were colors, multiplication tables, and nursery rhymes, but that didn't bother you, because didn't know what you didn't know and you didn't care. All you knew was to be happy because you were Blissfully unaware of all the things that should make you worried or upset. I want to think the world is fair. That everyone is honest and good. I want to believe that anything is possible. I want to be oblivious to the complexities of life and be overly excited by the little things again. I want to live simple again. I don't want my day to consist of computer crashes, mountains of paperwork, depressing news, how to survive more days in the month than there is money in the bank, doctor bills, gossip, illness, and loss of loved ones. I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a kind, truth, justice, peace, dreams, the imagination, mankind, and making angels in the snow. So . . . here's my checkbook and my car-keys, my credit card bills and my 401K statements. I am officially resigning from adulthood. And if you want to discuss this further, you'll have to catch me first, cause........ "Tag! You're it."
	I want to be a kid again. I want to go back to the time when............ Decisions were made by going "eeny-meeny-miney-mo." Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming, "do over!" "Race issue" meant arguing about who ran the fastest. Money issues were handled by whoever was the banker in "Monopoly." Catching the fireflies could happily occupy an entire evening. It wasn't odd to have two or three "best" friends. Being old referred to anyone over 20. The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was cooties. It was magic when dad would "remove" his thumb. It was unbelievable that dodgeball wasn't an Olympic event. Having a weapon in school meant being caught with a slingshot.
Life's Laws 1. The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. 2. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. 3. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with. 4. Deja moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before. 5. Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people is mentally ill. Check three friends. If they're OK, you're it. 6. Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check. 7. A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn. 8. Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn. 9. If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book. 10. Corollary: If you are given a take-home test, you will forget where you live. 11. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was. 12. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others. 13. Drinker's Law: You can't fall off the floor. 14. The average woman would rather have beauty than brains because the average man can see better than he can think. 15. Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. 16. Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them. 17. Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed. 18. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it? 19. Since light travels faster than sound, is that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak? 20. If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be? 21. Why do you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead? 22. Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have? 23. Why is a carrot more orange than an orange? 24. Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"? 25. Why do they call it the Department of the Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors? 26. Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new? 27. Sponges grow in the ocean.... That kills me! I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if THAT didn't happen? 28. Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase? 29. Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? 30. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes? 31. Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse? 32. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to? 33. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? 34. How do I set my laser printer on stun? 35. How is it possible to have a civil war? 36. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting? 37. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? 38. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too? 39. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2? 40. If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons? 41. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry? 42. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? 43. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"? 44. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them? 45. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? 46. If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the stuff? 47. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream? 48. If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why doesn't everyone just move 10 miles away? 49. Why are they called apartments, when they are stuck together? 50. Why is it you have a "pair" of pants and only one bra? 51. When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss? Didn't they nearly hit? 52. How come abbreviated is such a long word? 53. If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat? 54. How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him? 55. If "con" is the opposite of "pro", then what is opposite of progress? 56. Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it? 57. Why do we park in a driveway and drive in a parkway? 58. I went to a bookstore and asked a saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. 59. I went to a cosmetic counter, and saw these little bottle of perfumes in a basket, I asked the lady behind the counter "Are these things free?", at which she replied, "Free with any purchase." I said, "Did anyone BUY anything today?"