She sighed softly, then leaned forward to rest her head on her crossed arms. Coming to Cottman IV in the first place, had been somewhat of an impulsive decision. It was suppossed to _relieve_ some of the pain and stress of her life. As things were, she was simply trading one set of problems for another.
The current situation between herself and Louis, was one of many examples of this. *Every time I manage to solve ONE problem, I seem to create at least one more*, Kay wondered. "Goddess, what is _WRONG_ with me ?", she whispered softly, looking over at the single candle-flame she'd lit upon her desk.
By the time a message came through about the food waiting for pick-up at the gate, Kay had manged to pull herself together enough to go collect it from the serving-boy. It took more than a little effort to carry everything back in one trip (the stewpot was rather heavy), but eventually she manged toget everything set out.
Finally she sent off a message to Louis, saying simply "Dinner's ready in my quarters. I hope you like chervine stew and berry pie. Come when you can. -- Kay". There was so much else that she wanted to say. But it was known that email wasn't anywhere near as private as most folks liked to believe.
"Chervine is a local animal, right? Think I've eaten it before...Berry pie seems wonderful. I'll be there in twenty minutes, the most.", was the quick reply.
In fact, fifteen minutes later, Louis was knocking oh her door. He had shaved and his shoulder-length hair was a bit wet, drops falling in his shirt. He couldn't help feeling nervous and prepared a smile for when she'd open the door. His efforts failed, though, for in the moment he saw her his jaw dropped.
"You look...stunning...More than usual...", he said, admiring her. Kay blushed a very bright crimson red. It stood out in very sharp contrast to the green of her dress. She gave a small nervous giggle, then grinned "So ... ummm ... are you going to ... ummm .. come in, or what ?". Her eyes flicked up and down the hallway, half-expecting gossips to pop up at any time.
He stepped in, thankful for leaving the corridor. Just then, a wonderful smell reached him. "Hum...It smells delicious as well...". *Oh Goddess*, Kay thought to herself, *I hope he's talking about the food. What if he expects ...*. Then her trail of thought abruptly cut off as she noticed the expression on his face. Had she just spoken aloud without noticing it ? Or was she leaking again ? He was staring at her wide-eyed in surprise, and with his eyebrows raised inquiringly as if he were about to ask something.
"Pardon me", she said quickly, "I mean I don't ... I can't ... I don't know ...". The words came tumbling out in a jumble. Then she sighed in frustration, adding "oh, nevermind ... I'm making a complete mess of trying to explain this. Why don't we just sit down and eat before the stew gets cold ? Cervine tastes better when it's hot. And maybe I'll make more sense on a full stomach". He smiled and replied, "I couldn't agree more".
It took her two fumbling attempts to pull out one of the two chairs without tipping it over. Still blushing bright-red, Kay finally managed to seat herself on one side of the desk. "Do help yourself", she invited Louis, unwilling to trust her hand not to shake.
Louis served her first, then himself. He filled their glasses and raised his in a toast. Kay looked up at him curiously. Was he about to say what she'd both hoped and feared ? Admittedly, her offer had been born partially of selfish motives, but not entirely so. On one hand, it increased the amount of potential danger they posed to each other. They had been fortunate the first time; what about the next time ? But on the other hand, becoming a unit would provide each of them with slightly more protection against becoming a pawn in someone else's game. It had already been proven that they could manifest much more laran by working together than either of them could as an individual. So maybe things would work out okay afterall.
"Does this mean ", she asked hesitantly, "that ... that you've ... ummm ... decided ... ?". Her voice trailed off into a hopeful silence.
Louis gulped. He hadn't meant to say it so soon. He sipped his juice and put the glass over the table, with a soft sigh. "Yes, I have..."
Suddenly realizing that perhaps he was just as nervous as herself, Kay backed off. Whatever the answer was, it would be poor manners for her to draw it out prematurely. "Ye dinna need tae tell me now, laddie ... perhaps we should leave it until after dinner ..." she apologized, not noticing the thickening of her accent.
"An' I should nae ha' interrupted while ye were thinkin' of words fer yer toast", "Now what was it ye wished tae drink to ?", she added, raising her own glass and waiting for him to pick up where he left off.
He smiled, grateful that she had not pushed him. Raising his glass again, he said. "To meeting you..."
With a shy smile spreading across her face, Kay softly clinked her glass against his. "To meeting you ...", she echoed, then added "and to the future of our ... friendship".
After that, things were quiet for awhile. Then finally, most of the food was gone -- except for the portion that Kay had repeatedly kept picking at, and pushing around her plate without eating hardly any of it. Normally she enjoyed chervine stew and berry pie. But she was too nervous to have much of an appetite tonight.
Louis took a few deep breaths and looked into Kay's eyes...those eyes...He looked away. "First of all, I want to say that I'm very happy, really, to have met you."
"But ...?", she interrupted, sensing that there was more to it than that, but unsure as to what it was.
He looked at her again and continued. "Please, allow me to finish. When I first saw you, I confess I thought you very beautiful. Later, I also discovered you were...Well, you were like me. But that ain't everything. When I am around you, it's like nothing else exists. And when we're apart I can't stop thinking about you. I keep seeing you in front of me, listening to your voice. It's amazing that I feel this way about someone I've met only a couple of days ago, but I can't deny it".
*Oh Goddess ... what have I done ? *, came the first thought to float up in Kay's mind, *I never meant to hurt him, or to make him want what I can't deliver ... I just wanted to fill some of the aching emptiness inside me ... and he fit part of it so well ... it brought me closer to feeling whole again ... now I barely have the right words to even explain my feelings to _myself_ ... how can I tell him ...?*. Then her chain of thought abruptly cut off as she realized that he had more to say.
"However...however I cannot marry you", he continued, "I understand your intentions, but I can't. If what you intended was a fake marriage, I'm sorry, but my feelings ain't fake. And for real you know we can't.
"Aye, ye have a good point", Kay agreed softly, "But I thought it worth a try. Back on Terra, I knew of other couples whose union was based on a friendship without passion". A shudder lightly shook her frame, as she added "And I dare not give away my heart ... not again ... so soon ... what if I couldn't gather up the pieces after it broke again. 'Tis a sad, sad truth that everyone you love, will eventually leave you or be torn from you ...".
A trail of tears rained down her face in a torrent, leaving wet spots against the silk velvet of her bodice. And, just for a moment, her barriers slipped, exposing a broken heart that still oozed blood like a fresh deep ragged wound. Then, by the force of her will, it was hidden again, as if such a thing didn't exist. "If you don't mind, it doesn't matter", came an almost inaudible whisper from Kay's lips.
Louis face softened. "I'm sorry, Kay, really sorry", he said, "but I just don't think I'd be able live with you without touching you, kissing you. I don't mean only sex, I mean...intimacy. I want to hug you when you feel lonely, comfort you when you feel sad, touch your face to see you smile, kiss you because I love you..."
Blushing bright red again, Kay looked down at her plate, and sighed. "Will ye then at least accept a token of my affection, Louis my friend ?", she then asked softly. Reaching up to the back of her neck, her fingers unfastened a small gold chain and pulled it free. A small sun-shaped charm dangled from its length as she held it out to him.
True, the charm by itself didn't appear to be anything out of the ordinary. But by virtue of Kay having worn it against her skin for so long, it would have absorbed some of her energy. Even if it fulfilled no other purpose, it would help her to be able to find him if he ever got into trouble during his tour of duty here on Cottman IV.
As Kay had told Anwyn earlier, the history of the Thendara Base contained what she considered to be an unsettling number of Service Personnel who had suddenly-and-unexplainably gone AWOL (absent without official leave). And it also had a much-higher-than-average rate of "missing" Service personnel later having been found to have "gone over the wall".
Louis gulped. He gently took the charm, careful not to touch her. "'Affection' and 'friend' weren't exactly the words I were expecting", he teased. Then, he gave her a warm smile. "Thanks Kay...I'll keep it always with me, to give me luck, because I don't need anything to remind me of you."
A wistful look passed across Kay's face. "I wish I had better words to explain what I feel, and what I want ... and I wish that I could ...", she began very softly.
Then a thought occurred to her. If she could temporarily dampen her talent, then perhaps it would then be safe enough for them to touch again. Kay recalled her Da saying once that Mama Ysa sometimes needed a few strong drinks to ward off nightmares. If Kay's new suspicions about her mother were correct, then perhaps it might possibly be true that drinking a large enough quantity of alcohol could depress her nervous system enough that her gift wouldn't trigger Louis' gift (and there wouldn't be that unsettling sensation of two-merging-into-one-and-each-losing-individuality). And if it didn't work, then Kay would simply have one hell of a hangover in the morning, and nothing to gain from it.
With a small amount of hope rising to shine in her eyes, she looked up at him. "I have an idea", she proposed, "I don't know if it'll work ... and it wouldn't involve breaking my word to Melissa either".
Kay walked over to the closet, saying absentmindedly to herself "But I can't go looking like this ... this dress'd attract every predator in the city ... I need something that will blend in ... the less anyone notices me, the better ...".
"Ummm ... could you .... ummm .. _NOT_ look at me ... just for a minute or two, Louis ?", she requested. As she unfastened her dress and let it drop to the floor in a puddle, Kay could all too easily read the mixture of emotions surging through him. Part of her wanted to explain her idea. But what if he rejected it ? Or worse, what if he sent word to Melissa (who would most likely would _NOT_ approve) ?
After a few minutes of considering and rejecting various pieces of clothing, she pulled out her uniform (it might come in handy; just in case she needed to _quickly_ change her appearance in a radical sort of way). The next item of clothing to be chosen was her black Terran windbreaker jacket, which she covered with a disreputable-looking oversized black wool tunic.
Critically-appraising her appearance in the mirror, Kay confirmed that there was now no visible sign that her small breasts existed, then pulled on the grey wool trousers she'd been meaning to wash for two days now. In their current state, the trousers would actually serve her purposes BETTER than if they'd been washed afterall.
Finally, to top things off, she pulled out an extra shoelace and began to bind up her hair in such a way that it mimicked the style used by many of the local young men.
After giving her appearance a nod of approval, the now-very-androgynous-looking Kay picked up her bulky black wool cloak, and turned to Louis. "It's probably safer for you if I don't tell you my entire idea yet. I'm not planning to do anything _illegal_. I just need to go out ... for a candlemark or so ... to go look for something in a certain type of pub ... and I can't go dressed like a woman", she told him. "If my idea works ... then ... ummm ... there wouldn't be so much danger of our gifts interacting the way they did before ... so then you ... you could .... ummmm if you wanted to, of course ... perhaps ... stay .... _here_ ... tonight ... ".
Then another thought occurred to her. "But if you're _NOT_ here when I get back, I'll understand (and won't take offense). I don't want to push you into anything. And, as you know, sometimes what I consider to be a bright idea, doesn't always work out as well as I'd hoped".
By the time Kay finished talking, Louis had already raised his eyebrowns at least three times. He nodded. "I�ll stay. You managed to get the best of my curiosity."
She nodded in reply, pleased with his choice. "As you wish. If things work out the way I hope, then I'll tell you all about it when I get back. Otherwise, if something goes wrong with my plan, you're likely best off pretending that you don't know where I went (or why). There's no point to BOTH of us ending up with official reprimands".
Giving Louis a wide grin, Kay then added "Dinnae worry yerself abou' me, my fine laddie. 'Tis certain I am that I ha' covered every possible thing tha' could go wrong. See you soon". She then slipped out the door, closing it softly behind her.