Ceroill laughed. "I think we're getting our terms a bit confused, Anwyn. Either that, or in your eagerness you're not quite registering what I say. So far I'm just talking about meditation. Not the same thing as prayer, but I began to speak of that because I thought it might be useful as a precursor. So. Let's define what you think prayer is. You've already noticed there are many different sorts. But what is it? Is it just a casual asking for favors, or something deeper?"
So prayer WASN'T the same thing as meditation ? Or was it not ALWAYS the same? It's no wonder why she hadn't been able to figure out how to do it by just watching it ! "It seems to me ... ", Anwyn replied thoughtfully, stroking the little crescent-moon charm with a finger, "that it'd be somehow WRONG to ask too casually or to ask for something that's selfish or trivial. I want to be taken SERIOUSLY -- even though I'm only just an ordinary scrawny little teenager".
Ceroill nods. "Good. First, as I think you are coming to suspect, the two things are not always the same. Mediation and prayer can be done separately. Meditation does not always involve prayer, and most of those who pray, or who think they are, meditate when they do. Meditation is a contemplative state. It's...a way of achieving calm, of quieting the mind, being at peace with yourself and the world around you. It makes you more receptive to the Divine, and expands your preceptions. Through meditation you can learn to regulate your body in ways most folk can't. It's often tricky to really get the hang of it, Anwyn, but I believe that it helps one to pray properly and more effectively."
Anwyn's face lit up with eager anticipation. "I can be calm", she insisted, and then asked "So what do we do FIRST ?".
He chuckled a bit. He recalled many students like this, but it had been a while. "First, Anwyn, find a comfortable position, you are likely to be that way for quite some time. Next, close your eyes, and try to quiet your mind. See if you can manage to be empty, to think about nothing." He goes silent, waiting to see how long she can hold out.
Getting comfortable was fairly easy. For that, Anwyn simply used one of the yoga poses that Kay typically did in the gym. It was almost like sitting cross-legged -- but with the soles of her feet touching each other.
Unsure what to do with her hands, she slipped off her necklace, wound the chain around one of her wrists, then rested her clasped hands in her lap (with the moon-shaped charm lying between them, where she could easily stroke it with her fingertips).
*empty mind*, she thought to herself, *I need to think about NOTHING*. That was more difficult than it sounded. With her eyes closed, her hearing became sharper. Now she could hear the rustle of Oberon's feathers, and the faint sounds of people walking past outside. For a moment, she suddenly felt guity about sneaking out after Kay had told her NOT to go into town. But she sharply reminded herself that she was supposed to be thinking about NOTHING.
The queiter she tried to be, the more that her mind seemed to want to wander. Soon she realized that she could hear the sound of her own breathing and the beating of her heart. For some reason, that sound make her think of a verse that she'd often heard Kay singing softly to herself while stretching in the gym. And for the first time, Anwyn realized that the words WEREN'T just some sort of religious mumbo-jumbo afterall. Her heartbeats did sound as similar to waves breaking on a shore, and her breaths did indeed sound like the wind.
That naturally enough started her mind wandering to Kay. And, as much as she tried to think again of NOTHING, stray thoughts kept bubbling up. There was so much that she very badly WANTED to know, and she had so many questions that didn't have answers. It was like an itch that she couldn't reach to scratch, or the ache that she got in her stomach when she missed two consecutive meals.
He watched her, a bit surprised at her position, not expecting her to be so well trained in that. Good so far. Watching her settle in, he could see her eyes moving, a sign her mind was restless. "You're doing well so far, Anwyn." He could feel a little of her situation, due to the proximity of Oberon. "Try to concentrate on your breathing, slow, regular, easy. In through the nose, hold for a count of five, out through the mouth. Slow. Easy. Calm. Let the breathing calm your mind. As you exhale, let your tension flow with your breath, letting you relax."
What happenned next, felt kinda weird. First, most of the sounds around her started to fade out, leaving only Ceroill's voice, the beating of her heart and the sound of her breath. The huger/itch feeling started to get worse. Now it seemed as though it was radiating out from her middle (right behind her navel). No matter how many times she tried NOT to think about it, it kept popping back up.
At some later point (she couldn't tell how long), it was joined by another thought --- a mirror. But not just ANY mirror -- Gran McCarron's mirror. Gran, who had the Second Sight now and then. Was this a SIGN of something ? Or was she just daydreaming ? "I need to SEE ... I need to KNOW ... Won't SOMEONE please LISTEN to me ?", came a desperately-yearning whisper from between Anwyn's lips. She was so focused that she didn't realize she'd spoken. And she didn't notice that she was now squeezing the moon charm so hard that her fingertips had gone paler from the pressure.
Ceroill sat in his chair, watching, listening, feeling. He wans't trained as a Monitor, in fact he'd never been tested for Laran, but that didn't stop his latent abilities from popping up on occasion, especially when he had Oberon nearby. The owl usually was more sensitive than he was. His training had all been at Nevarsin. Meditation is something he knew, though it had been years since he had needed it much. Between his own training and what Oberon was sending him, he could tell she was not going through the usual bits of confusion and restless thoughts that a novice experienced. He could see her energy becoming a bit more focussed.
He'd never seen someone progress this fast before. He said softly. "What is it you need so fervently to see? What's the hurry? I'm listening."
A jolt of surprise flashed through Anwyn's mind, but she didn't open her eyes. Now that she'd finally suceeded at capturing this odd mostly-bodiless feeling, she didn't want to lose it so soon. By now, she was concentrating so hard that she no longer even recognized whose voice it was that she was hearing. It seemed to fill her ears until it seemed like there were no other sounds in the world. "I don't KNOW", she insisted much more loudly, her voice heavy with frustrated impatience. "Kay needs SOMETHING ... I HAVE to FIND it for her ... BEFORE she pushes ME away, like everyone else ... even sometimes poor heart-broken Doc and Melissa and MacConal ... I don't UNDERSTAND ... the Sight came to me ONCE several months ago -- BUT I STILL DON'T KNOW HOW TO HOW TO CALL IT BACK". Then her voice faded back down to that same desperate sort of whisper again again. But this time, the words were "Help me ... please ... I don't know what to do ...".