"I have seen such a Mirror only thrice previously. Once was many years ago in a fever dream (and I'm not entirely certain it was real). Another was in a vision that my Goddess sent me a few nights ago, when I was trying to make up my mind whether or not to it was the right decison to enter into the mutual bonds of oath-kinship", admitted Kay, with a sigh.
Neither of THOSE experiences were anything she really wanted to mention in detail (not right now at least). So Kay decided to simply continue on, "Then it happenned again the other night ... after the Ball ... when I got back here to the Base ... The major difference was that THIS time I was able to deliberately control what was displayed in it. I wanted so badly to show what I couldn't describe adequately in words. But they came far too quickly and with far too much impact. It was like dipping a foot in the sea, and being hit by a crushing tidal wave when all you expected was a few ripples to tickle your toes. It swept me off-balance and I couldn't pull away; the energy currents were too strong. Even worse, I felt my control starting to slip".
A shudder suddenly ran through Kay's body at the memory. "So I did the only other thing I knew; dispersing the energy back down into the ground. It was purely a reflex action (the equivalent of hitting a panic button) --- and I bless my teacher for impressing it so firmly into me. But even so, the backlash was still rather nasty indeed, partially because it was NOT primarily myself that I was trying to protect".
Kay paused again, hoping she wasn't about to make a huge mistake by mentioning this next part. "It was also not entirely my own efforts that led me to the Mirror or to the grey land surrounding it ... I had ... help ...", she admitted, turning wide-eyed with desperate hope to Melissa, "and that's why I invited my .... umm ... friend ... Louis to be here now ... he's one of us, breda mea, and he never knew it".
Kay then turned back to Louis. Fighting the urge to look down at her feet instead, she made herself look up him, her eyes full of guilt. "What I did to you violated one of the strongest taboos I've ever been taught. That's why I expected you to be angry with me, and why I still feel somewhat ashamed of myself for having committed such a violation", she said softly. "Without your willing-and-knowledgable consent, it was an unspeakable offense (and even severely-criminal by some standards) for me to have pushed such a degree of intimacy upon you. You could have lost your sanity and/or your life, and I would then have had to bear the stain of a death-guilt burden upon my soul and upon my honour".
"It is no excuse that I was not in my right mind. It is solely my responsibility to control myself at all times", continued Kay firmly, pushing out the words while she still had the courage to say them, "That rule was one of the first things I ever learned about the Gift. And for the first time in my life, I'd broken it. You would have had every right to shove me away in horror ... but instead you pulled me even closer".
"If you are willing ...", Kay proposed hesitantly and uncertainly to Louis, "I would wish for us to ... try again ... to show Melissa ... but much slower and alot more gently this time ... or if not ... then let us agree to leave the Mirror hidden in the grey realm ... to forget and to never try to go there again ...".
Louis took a deep breath, trying hard to assimilate everything Kay had said. She had seen something...and _ he_ had helped? It all sounded very confusing. He couldn't understand why he'd be in any danger, but he believed her. Slowly, he nodded. "What do you want me to do?"
Melissa listened, her eyes widening at Kay's description of what happened with Louis... *Alton!* she thought to herself *... And untrained...!* As Louis gave his consent, Melissa took a deep breath. "Kay, what you are describing is not uncommon for people who have laran, and haven't been tower-trained to learn how to safely live with their gift. As I've said, finding Laran among people from offworld is not a surprise any longer - travel has become so easy between worlds... You are by no means a freak, or unusual, especially here on Darkover."
"And Louis -" she addressed the young man seated by them, "It sounds like Kay may have inadvertently woken your own laran, if you were not aware of it before. In either case, we have a common saying here, which has evolved from generations of bitter experience - 'An untrained telepath is a danger to themself and others', It stems from what happens when people gifted withlaran do not seek proper training and wind up hurting themselves or others, or worse, killing." She didn't elaborate to Kay about the Alton donas -it would probably be a bit too much information for her right now.
A look of horror flooded Kay's eyes. "Nae! I willna bear such terrible blood-guilt ... not like ...", she exclaimed, leaking fear/pain/terror. Then the broadcasted wave of emotion and her voice both abruptly cut off as she suddenly realized that she'd spoken the thought aloud.
Blushing crimson-red, Kay added quickly "Forgive me ... 'Twas no more than a long-ago nightmare born of fears for what might come --- yet it still occasionally returns to trouble me". This last statement was likely only a half-truth. But then again, Kay had been only fifteen at the time -- and too delirious with fever to distinguish between true memory and imagined night terrors.
Melissa carried enough of the Ridenow gift to tell that something long ago had terrified Kay - and from the sounds of it, it was a very bad bout of threshold sickness. She also had the feeling that there was alot more to it than Kay had said. But seeing that Kay didn't wish to discuss the nightmares, Melissa continued instead, "What you are describing that you want to do is unsafe for any of us, even with my own tower training - I am still too inexperienced to try to guide you through something like this."
"There is a certain ... attraction ... between Louis and I ...", Kay admitted to Melissa, trying to explain. things better, "I don't fully understand it myself. It's somewhat vaguely similar to what I felt for our bredu Gwenn when I collided with him in the marketplace and first looked into his deep grey eyes. But it's not the same, for I cannot honestly say that my feelings for this man are entirely sisterly. Had I known the degree of risk and danger involved, I'd not have suggested trying anything so daft. So I shall instead agree that perhaps this is not the best time for experimenting. Even more so than my own, I would not care to risk his life or sanity."
Louis stared at her in disbelief. So it was true. Now he was certain. She did like him as more then only a friend..."Then, you'd be risking only my life", he tried to joke. Kay frowned at him. Such jests were NOT funny. "Sorry...I understand it's serious". he added quickly in apology.
"I believe everything you say about your past experiences, and I don't doubt that what happened the other night between you was frightening", said Melissa. she had decided to pretend not to have heard Louis' poorly-received jest.
"More so than you know ...", came a soft, almost inaudible whisper of acknowledgement from Kay, "It reminded me of something ... a nightmare ... from when I was younger. But _THIS_ was real ! And, according to my Da and my Ma and my grandfather, _THAT_ was just the fever playing tricks in my dreams !". *Or was it ?"*, she wondered to herself. Kay had never been able to fully convince herself one way or the other. And Gran Callisu (who had first told her stories of the Fae) had been almost a year in her grave by then.
"Breda," Melissa began again. She looked directly at Kay, imploringly, "_Please_ understand how important it is that you take my advice and let me help you get some basic training for your gift, so that it no longer frightens you, or has potential to harm yourself or anyone around you. You are by no means one of the only Terrans to be introduced to our circles with laran - Why, I've a cousin now who has done just so, we didn't even know she was related, unitl it became obvious, especially because she has the Ridenow donas in spades." she thought of Katie, happily involved in her tower training at the moment. "I would be happy to introduce you to her, if you like - I am sure she would be more than happy to compare notes with you, and set your mind at ease."
Raising one eyebrow in curiousity, Kay wondered about Melissa's Terran cousin. "I ... I ... don't ... know ...", she began. But no other words came immediately to mind. So instead, she sent out the barest whisper of her laran to brush lightly up against her oath-sister.
Lowering her barriers, Melissa took Kay's hand in hers and spoke out loud as well as with her heart "*Breda, I know this must be distressing to you - you have been raised your entire life to fear this gift, and hide it... "
As usual, Kay found Melissa's touch comforting. "Aye", she answered aloud, letting the small trickle of rapport continue to flow between the two of them. "Even back home on Skye where it wasn't thought too odd that I preferred the company of animals over that of people, I've always tried to fit in enough to keep people from noticing that I'm ... well ... different. That's why very few people know what my name was before Ma originally shortened it to 'Kay'."
Her voice growing stronger as she committed more and more of her secret to Melissa's keeping, Kay continued "According to Ma and Da and Grandfather, the Gift brought more trouble than it was worth. The pity (and self-recrimination) in their eyes was plain to see when they realized that what they called 'the family Curse of tainted genes' was awakening in me, just as Gran had seen in a dream. So I learned to hide it from them as well. And both my Gran and the Wiccan priestess Ainne who was my first teacher, always stressed that such Gifts were far too private a matter to show to the unGifted -- even those who were close blood-kin".
Melissa's eyes brimmed with tears of pity. Kay was so obviously overflowing with laran - to have to hide it from those clsoest to you must have eaten at her day and night like a banshee.
With a sigh, Kay then added in explanation. "Terran history (even in modern times) is full of tales of how those who were too different from societal norms were harrassed or persecuted for their differences. Even now, the news still carry such stories. And from what I've heard and read, the history of this world is by no means free of such horrors". She regretted being the one to destroy so much of Melissa's innocence by telling her all this. But she needed help from _someone_ experienced in sorcery. And there was no one else in Thendara that she dared trust.
"But I beg you now", protested Melissa, "to try to understand that you are now among friends and family whose only concerns are that you learn to understand your gift, for it is a rare and wonderful gift, and not to loathe it or yourself for having it."
"The habits of almost two decades cannot be undone over-night", came the soft reply from Kay. "Nor would I wish to do so in such haste, even if it were possible. This power has always been both a blessing and a burden to me. At times, I do indeed fear it -- but I would feel incomplete without it. And there are perhaps at most a single hand of people on this world who I can honestly say have earned my trust enough that I dare to let them see me for the whole of what I am. Without a desperate need to do so, I would not ... could not ... expose myself in such a way to a stranger, not even one who had the Gift".
Unwilling to drop the subject, Melissa continued to ress her point. "Please", she urged Kay, "I promised you before, and I promise you again now, that I won't let any harm come to you by it. That is why I don't think that such a demonstration as you propose now, would be wise. I care too much to let you harm yourself or anyone else. The Overworld is a dangerous place for those who aren't used to it.*". She then watched Kay's face for a reaction.
Kay began nervously tugging at her braid again. "I know that this puts you in a difficult position", she told Melissa, "and I am not asking that you break whatever oath of loyalty you swore to the red-robed ones of the Towers. I am willing to admit that I'm in over my head. But I need more time to think about all of this ...".
Then there was a pause, before Kay spoke again. "What if Louis and I agreed not to try any more unsupervised experiments between us over the next coule of days ? Could you then agree that, during this period of time, you would not share what you know of us with anyone ?
Melissa smiled with relief. "yes, of course. I would never tell, any way. But I am more relieved than you could possibly know to hear that you won't try anything...dangerous."
A huge surge of pleasure/gratitude/relief flowed from Kay to Melissa. Perhaps ....", proposed Kay, thoughtfully regarding her breda directly eye to eye, "I might be willing to ... meet ... this Terran cousin of yours before any of the rest. Thinking that it wasn't fair to leave Melissa torn between conflicting loyalties, Kay added "Please, forgive me my caution, but I would prefer somewhere neutral but private. I mean no offense ... but certain places in Thendara still make me feel somewhat uncomfortable ... regardless of whether my fears have any solid basis or not".
A thought suddenly occurred to her -- she had the right to speak only for herself. "Louis, you may speak for yourself. I wouldn't presume to make that choice for you", added Kay, grinning at him. He smiled back at her, "Sure you wouldn't ... But I agree". He then told Melissa, "I'd like very much to meet this cousin of yours".
Melissa nodded happily, saying "I shall ask her when she is free. And it's good you like animals - she has a pack of dogs that would follow her to Zandru's hells if she asked them too." She hoped that Katie would not mind - but somehow, she knew in her heart that it wouldn't be a problem. She was, after all, Alan's sister...
She looked at Louis and Kay quizzically. "Well? What now then? If we will have no shows of wild sorcery today," she poked Kay in the ribs, to show she was teasing with no harm meant, "Then what shall we do?" She thoguht of the packet that she had brought with her, and looked at Kay. "I do have something that I need to discuss with you at some point in private, but that doesn't have to be right now." she didn't want to make Louis feel like he wasn't welcome any longer.
"Oh! I...I'll leave you two alone then", Louis said. "If it's ok with Kay...". He stood and bowed to Melissa. "It was a pleasure meeting you"
"My friend ... I'm not asking that you leave ... but if you could you excuse us just for a few moments ?", Kay requested anxiously of Louis. "It's not that I don't wish for you to hear this, but rather that I am concerned for your safety. I worry that you don't yet see the full scope of the potential danger. If it turns out to be something that I _can_ tell you, I will. Whle you're waiting, perhaps you might make a list of any questions you still want to ask either of us".
Unsure of whether or not he fully understood what she was trying to say (and not daring to take a peek), "I don't want to see you end up dying right in front of me like my --- ", Kay added softly, her voice cutting off abruptly as she realized she was speaking this bit aloud.