[Entry 8]:

Dear Diary,

I'm still worried about Anwyn. Being the guardian of a teenager is much more complicated than I had ever expected. I thought I could keep her safe, but that's looking like it might be more difficult than I had expected.

She doesn't understand why I don't go out into town anymore, and I don't know how to explain it to her. But I feel guilty about saying "I'm too busy to go to town" -- even more so than when I try to explain to Gwenn when he comes to visit.

It's been several months since that uncomfortable evening when Danette and her freemate Connor came over for dinner. And it STILL makes me uncomfortable to NOT KNOW whether either of them noticed what I think they noticed about the paintings. Pehaps I should have taken the paintings down -- after Melissa clearly recognized a surprising-resemblance to someone she didn't name, I should have expected that other people might spot the same thing. But in a room THIS size (and considering how crowded it was), I had figured that the paintings would be much safer if I left them hanging on the wall.

Anwyn hasn't yet forgiven me for sending her to her room that night. But I didn't know what else to do. I thought things were moving too fast. As an adult, Louis has the right to make his own choices. But his curiousity and eagerness to learn were encouraging Anwyn to rush into it too -- and I'm responsible for HER. So, it's probably just as well that she didn't hear the argument that happenned after she left.

Perhaps I should have been more tactful about explaining that ANYTHING that I'd let Anwyn try, would have to be something that I'd be willing to try myself first. Yes, it's over-protective of me. However, at least that seems to minimize the chances of Anwyn getting hurt. I certainly didn't INTEND to insult Danette or Connor by being hesitant over how much of their help I was willing to accept at this point.

If I haven't already burned our bridges with them, then maybe they could tell us more about Anwyn's occasional short flashes of Second Sight. She seems self-content with having this happen sometimes when she's really stressed out over something. I'm thankful that it hasn't brought any chaos into her life the way mine has done. And I'm thankful that her talent is difficult to spot unless she talks about her visions.

I wish that I could say the same thing about Louis and myself. I can't help feeling guilty over having complicated his life in so many ways. SOMETHING needs to change for the better around here. We both PROMISED Melissa that we wouldn't try any unsupervised "experimenting" with our Gifts together, and that we'd do our best to prevent any possible "acidental" experiments between us. Melisa is more experienced than we are, and I think it's entirely sensible to be cautious about anything that scares HER. She was RIGHT that we can't handle this ourselves -- but that doesn't make me feel any less nervous about the idea of studying with anyone who's powerful enough to potentially turn me into a pawn.

Louis' Gift feels somewhow DIFFERENT from anyone else's. Yet I can't shake the feeling that I've touched SOMEONE with a similar Gift at SOME point in the past. It was like planning to dip your toes off a dock -- and falling into a strong current that carries you away and batters you about until you feel there's a very real chance that you might drown. I couldn't pull back without resorting to my panic-button-response to cut off the contact by grounding the energy into the earth.

Although I still agree with Melissa that it's the SAFEST course of action (for both Louis and I) if we pretend that we're both as mundane as the completely unGifted, it's been a strain on our friendship over these last few months. In order to keep our word to Melissa and still be able to be in each other's company, we have to stay an arms' length away from each other and keep our talents bottled up behind our barriers.

I never realized how stressful it could be to have resist this kind of temptation for MONTHS -- especially since my talent isn't misbehaving this way with ANYONE ELSE. It's a tiring and frustrating experience. I can only imagine that it must be WORSE for Louis who doesn't have any animals companions. Sometimes I think he's deliberately avoiding me.

Even though I've thought about it alot, I haven't yet managed to figure out WHY I have such a different reaction when I even lightly brush against Louis with my talent -- and why my control seems to have gotten WORSE each time I try it. After so many years of practice at this, I can touch so lightly-and-briefly that even the Gifted sometimes don't notice that I'm lightly picking up an empathic impression of them. When Louis and I first met and we shook hands, I picked up a general-quick-impression of him easily enough (just enough to suspect that he was Gifted, but not enough to confirm it).

Yet, later that same evening, my Gift started misbehaving around him -- when mine actively reached towards him, I started to lose control when he reached back. And my desperate grounding was sloppily done in a panic -- no backlash burns on either of us, but I ached all over for the next couple of days.

Lately, I've been starting to wonder if it was ENTIRELY me that's causing this difference. What if part of it was him and HIS talent ? Or what if it was the combination of my Gift interacting with his ? All I know is that our two foolish "accidental experiments" were both apparently harder on ME than they were on HIM.

I desperately need MORE information BEFORE anyone else gets hurt any further. That's why I sent the note to Danette -- she's one of the few people that I MIGHT be able to trust enough to learn from. And with all the power that Connor has, he should be able to protect her (in case anything goes wrong).

If she can't (or won't) help, then that makes my decision even harder. With Anwyn sneaking out to wander around town, this need is getting more and more urgent. Even though Anywyn DID promise to stay away from people/places that *I* consider to be "potentially-dangerous", trying to avoid trouble might not be enough. I wish that I dared try to find out what she's doing right now, and where, and with who. But if I DID do that, then she'd be even more mad at me than ever.