[Entry 7] :

Dear Diary,

I've been thinking about alot of things lately, and have been wondering if any of it will make more sense if I put it down on paper.

I still haven't decided how much to tell Anywn. Perhaps I was too hasty in sending her back to her room, despite her complaints. But I promised her parents that I'd look out for her and keep her safe. That burden continues to weigh heavily on me -- especially since I'm not currently even certain that I can keep even MYSELF safe anymore.

And I can't help feeling that Dani's husband Connor seemed to take more interest in Anwyn (as well as myself) than I would have liked. On one hand, Danette trusts him, and she swore to me (by the Goddess whom we both serve) that he was a good-hearted-and-honorable person. And neither Oberon, Amadaine or Mairead made any significant fuss about him being in my apartment. So I don't believe that he would DELIBERATELY harm any of us.

But on the other hand, there's SOMETHING about him that makes me nervous. Perhaps it's that it was so clearly-obvious (even though he wasn't actively using it)that he had a much more strongly-vibrant aura of fey *power* than I've EVER perceived in ANYONE.

Great power suggests the potential for great danger. And I can't help feeling over-protective around Anwyn. The way she acts, it reminds of what my Gram Callie must have been like at that age -- especially since Anwyn sees occasional visions too.

Part of me wants to protect Anwyn by keeping her away from anything (and anyone) that might be dangerous. But she's a teenager, and wants to make her own decisions. We argue at least once a day over my having ordered her to stay away from certain places, strangers, and certain groups of people in particular. So far, she hasn't disobeyed that (or at least, I haven't caught her her at it) -- but I don't think that will last much longer.

Part of me wants to tell her EVERYTHING, even the most disturbing parts that I try not to think about, so that her imagination won't create WORSE possibilities of what she thinks MIGHT have happenned. She's at that delicate age where she's not a child anymore, but she also isn't yet an adult woman either.

But I'm not sure that I understand some of it well enough to explain it at all.

From what Gwenn's friend Jake told me at that fancy dance that we went to with Dolo and Melissa last year, seeing visions is common to two fammilies of Comyn. But he seemed also to be suggesting that it wasn't a very polite topic for discussion. If it wasn't for Gwenn, I wonder if he would have told me ANYTHING at all. I still wish that I had dared to ask him MORE. But, at least, I don't think he guessed what I am (or at least, there's been no sign that he did). Goddess only knows what he might have thought if I'd told him that I was doing geneological research.

Jake and Melissa's cousin Katie are the only people I know (other than Ceroill) who seem to share my talent for being able to have two-sided conversations with animals. It bothers me that my database searches haven't turned up many of the answers that I need. So far, the best data that I've been able to find in the databanks, is an old Darkovan folktale about a woman named Romilly, who seemed to have the sort of bird-human relationship that I have with Amadaine (and less so with Oberon). Now it's starting to look like the best source for these answers might be the same people to whom I'm afraid to ask obviously enough questions. It's been hard enough talking to Dani and Melissa -- and I don't think that either one of them talks to animals the same way that I do. What if it's only 'normal' to have this kind of talent if you're Comyn like them ?

On the basis of my research so far, I don't think that I'm one of them. My ma once told me that no Comyn is any kin to HER family. But she's never told me who her Darkovan kinfolk were -- other than that she named me after her own dead mother (who might possibly have been a Renunciate, since "stop acting so much like your namesake" is what my Ma has always said when I'm being un-ladylike). And my Gran was from what she called an "ordinary hillfolk farm family with little time or interest in yet another daughter" near Caer Donn who dissaproved of her marrying my Gran-Da. My Grand-da was as Terran as they come -- and anyone with eyes to see, can clearly tell that my da looks like BOTH of them. But I don't know who Ma's kin WAS, and perhaps she's right that I shouldn't go poking my nose into trying to figure out who they WERE. And so far, I've only seen ONE person here who I think bears even a vaugue cousin-type resemblance to her (though I've said NOTHING about this, because it might be simply a coincidence due to blonde hair not being too common among Darkovans).

And Louis and I are still being oh-so-cautious around each other -- like a pair of long-tailed cats in a room full of rocking chairs. Sometimes I wish I dared to give him a friendly hug. But then I worry that he might take it as meaning more than I intended. And when I go an entire day without seeing him (or talking to him), I miss him.

Gwenn is still frustrated with me as well, and I don't know what to tell HIM either. It's clear that he dissaproves of me "playing hermit". He made THAT perfectly clear the night he showed up to celebrate Mid-summer with me (and must have been rather surprised when my door opened onto an empty room -- if Amadaine and I hadn't been coming back from her night's flight, I wonder if he would have waited for our return). He wasn't quite as surprised later, at Midwinter.

Our gift exchanges on those two nights were wonderful. At mid-summer he brought me a lovely basket of fruits and flowers and skeins of coloured wool, and a butterfly-shaped comb that he'd carved himself for my hair (now I have TWO butterflies). And when I gave HIM a gift too (a wooden chest with his name carved into it -- filled with plenty of holiday treats -- all delivered from town earlier that day), he tried to protest that I was supposed to GET gifts on Mid-summer, not GIVE them.

If we hadn't argued then (and at Midwinter), it would have been a lovely pair of evenings. Mid-winter had reminded me of being at home and celebrating Yule back when my Gran was still with us. For the ocassion, I had sent Anwyn shopping into town for a lightweight cloak, a tam, some lovely spidersilk shirts, some wool socks and various holiday treats. In addition I'd made him a wool blanket for his bed. I don't know who was MORE surprised, Anwyn or Gwenn, when they each realized that the other one had brought them a small gift of clothing. Anwyn hadn't been expecting to get ANY presents at all -- and here was the THIRD person to give her a Midwinter present.

However, our argument on those two evenings (like we've ever all too often since then), were all quite the OPPOSITE of wonderful. It's not often that Gwenn and Anwyn agree on ANYTHING -- but both of them do agree with other that they consider it a bad idea that I've been staying in the Complex as much as possible. Neither of them seems to understand that I'm just trying to avoid any further opportunities for attracting more trouble than I can handle.

So far, Ceroill and Melissa and Dani and Katie have all respected my excuses that I'm busy with work and don't currently want to talk much about my freak talent. However I get the impression that they're being too polite to tell them that they recognize that I'm just giving them flimsy excuses. As much as I appreciate that, I don't think their patience will last forever.

The "wild card" in this picture is Dolo. I've only met her ONCE (the night of that fancy dance ball at the Castle), but she seemed to like me in the way that an older sister might be fond of a younger one -- possibly mostly for Gwenn's sake. Maybe Gwenn hasn't been complaining to her about my "illness" at Leaves that night. Or perhaps she's been too busy with her business for him to have the opportunity to complain at her. Around her, I feel like a small toy boat being gently blown across a pond by a warm spring breeze.