Offering So difficult to extricate my languid, sleepy limbs from the warm and tangled nest of protected slumber Wanting so to linger in the hazed embrace of calm; safe, and harming no one least of all myself. Thoughts of suicide now so often trickle slowly like melting shards of ice into the thaw of tepid fantasy... Images of final peace: may I never wake again to realize the shambles of life which accouter all my days. Yes, I recognize incongruities in what I reveal to you: "But, what a lovely home! what is there you've real need of?! Employed, trustily professional; no cruel hunger has drawn your face. Clothed well, you are, and sheltered. Ponder those less fortunate, careless one!" How can I answer for you the questions which arise; what you observe as parody - seems a mockery of real torment. I cannot expect comprehension for dimensions you can't see: seething core, uncertain balance Trembling confidence approaches death... A storm of anger roils within the jester you often know as me denouncing pain with wit and whim Flimsy camouflage, your laughter my net. Even sometimes in coveted sleep nightmares arrive, vexing my repose bidden forth by restless thoughts which find no consolation in the waking... I rarely hold the hands of certainty nor wear the skin of self-conviction as a daily armor, to guard my spirit from that which I behold as threatening. In many forms intimidation comes - oft unrecognized, 'til the grip is sensed Escape ! : my foremost goal - Any route appears justifiable, when panic holds me so... Until you've glimpsed the apprehension which holds me ev'ry waking hour or have been intimate with self-loathing which I administer as though atonement daily You will not know the apparitions, here, which challenge my each awakening and frequently visit me in sleep's trance stealing fortitude, weakening faith in self... Yes, I may wear the guise of normalcy, as you perceive conventional to be - functional within a realm, and yearning to be whole. Even I don't understand. This, my offering: not an excuse; perhaps clarification - for those of you who haven't bargained with the phantoms of your psyche for tenuous grip where others seem to dance. Merely hope that you may soften your demeanor, and greet with care we who truly strive to be among you Undiminished, sound, and human... Or, maybe you should request of us brief visitation here, within our little Hells - learn where true creativity is borne; glimpse thought descending to a realm unlived by many... Where does aberration live - I know! Embraced fully by this demon's limbs, I would have you fathom its chill as well: Temper your heated vanity. enter me, yes? K.E.Cline, January 1996
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