Coagulation
It's been some time passed
since that day
October 28th, 1999
when you left me forever
Few words shared
No reasons I could understand
I will never know what really happened
I meant to do so well with you, I really did...
Excised from your life
so cleanly & quickly
from your perspective only;
I cannot do the same from this side.
I miss you, so very much about you:
your arms around me, as you came up behind me in the kitchen
your sweet, warm, sleepy body next to mine at night
your hands holding mine as we drove, or watched a movie
your smile at me over dinner, your eyes looking into mine
talking about our days, what we dreamed of...
the love I felt from you, and gave to you, so fully & wholly -
those are just a bit of what is missed, thought of, every day...
I feel so heavy, so lost
yet so empty, too
a great hole has been torn in my soul
and dragged up over me, swallowed me whole
I am not who I used to be
I am no longer me
you left with whoever she was
the happiness was stolen
the joy was denied
I was so high on life
while you were in mine...
Ev'ry thing around me now
only batters me with memories
unbidden - they haunt my every day & night
you touched everything here
as you lived in my home, our home
you said "ours" so often
I believed you were here to stay...
Ev'ry time I think there can't possibly be
another tear to shed, to slide down my face
there are more... more & more & more
Ev'ry where I go, I think of you
wish you could share things with me
I want to tell you of things in my day
and hear about yours
and then I remember: you won't be there to share anymore.
I am so afraid of seeing you,
someday, sometime
when I am out & about
with your new "love"
the one who now knows how you feel to be with
who shares your time, your life, your breath & space...
I do not yet know what i might do
I wish I could just stop waking up
stop living in this dead shell of the former me
I feel I wll never be alright again...
Why, why did you leave me?
k.e.cline, 12/21/99 @ 0240