Ok so this is the final one. JB you owe me a drink the next time I see you. Sixteen episodes indeed! I told you there were only fourteen. I really should be packing but instead I'm finishing the season on a high note. You all have a lovely hiatus and get your sombreros out and party like it's 1999. I hear tell one of my favourite authors is going to finally pick up his series this summer and finish it. I think it's about damn time too since we haven't had an installment in a couple of months. I also hear that the Lady Ardra may be cooking up something soon. I want to take this time to say thanks to everybody who's been with me from the beginning and especially to those who took time to write and tell me what they thought. I really appreciate the time and effort. My most heartfelt thanks. To Ardra, Sebastian, TK, and JB for being such excellent readers. To Annie, and WTF, and Nicco�Painthorses and GMBD, and Te, Pig, Reboot, Shea, and Jenn, thanks. I'll pick up again with season four! Oh and for being such an outstanding episode I'll give it an unprecedented A- because no episode gets an A, yet�but this one was well worth some of the hell we went through this season.
Last time on QAF, Hunter cleaned himself up and decided to become a functional member of society. Justin told Dean 'shit-for-brains' to fuck off. Emmett lost Ted to the dark side. Brian played the most inept sleuth since Inspector Gadget, and Stick made a proposition. Shall we shake it dude?
We begin on Liberty Ave. with two guys walking down the street and the tattered rainbow flag rustling above. They pass a guy and talk about how hot he is, but not as hot as you. They're holding hands and kiss each other, it's so nice to be reminded of warm happy fuzzy thoughts and then they see the cops walking down in their beat gear and the boys look way too scared for just seeing two cops, like they were going to kill them for being gay. Now I can tell you Cowlip wrote this episode but do they have to bee so heavy handed with the points? I think we got it when we saw the tattered rainbow flag. The icon in disrepair, the natives afraid to walk in broad daylight, jeez this isn't Nazi Germany or Stalinist Russia, get a grip. So the boys part hands and side swipe the cops and while they do this the color drains from the scene to make it black and white. Ooh, somebody is trying for some drama here. You know they could have skipped this scene altogether or made it like two seconds long and gotten the point across. Brian and Justin walk down the same street talking about the new police state. Brian stops by the cops and says, "Cops in the street, the bars�it's fucking depressing." The he kisses Justin right there in front of the cops as if to say there, take that. You know I'm sure the cops would rather be eating donuts and chasing and shooting at real criminals instead of watching you two smooch. Cowlip we get it alright?
Then the boys run into Deb and Vic. Brian says he and Justin were c-o-p-ulating and does a couple of thrust to get the point across to the cops. Debbie says it's no laughing matter, and Vic says the street is a "shadow of its former self." Ok Vic, I guess so but who the hell is going to be out dancing in the street in the middle of winter on a business day. I mean people even homosexuals have to earn a living unless the government is handing out subsidies. I'll cross over. Seems the homosexual population in Pittsburgh is just like the rest of the Pittsburgh society, apathetic. They really don't care about the election; they think Stick is kind of hot. Brian says it'll take more than fliers to stop Stick. Well really Sherlock, it's not like you made him the new blue now is it? It's hard to undo something you've done, especially when you put your mind to it in the first place and then you went and played both teams you bi-political and got burned but good.
Ben, Mike, and Hunter leave their abode and they are all on Bike's. Now I don't know how far Ben lives from work or Mike for that matter but damn that is a lot of biking. For the love of Pete, buy a car, it's too damn cold to be riding around Pittsburgh in the middle of winter. Hunter says he's going to hang with his friends after school, seems he told them he was living with two old queers who pay him $.05 a day to walk around naked. Eww. Meanwhile Ben is cooking more tasteless good-for-you food for dinner at seven.
At the Home of Human Abominations, Mel is standing in front of a mirror protruding her stomach and saying she's showing. Now, I'm going to pick a bone about this later but right now, all I can see is Mel leaning back and bloating her stomach which doesn't work very well since Michelle has one of those washboard abs. You could do laundry on that tight tummy. Yummy�oh where was I�.yeah ok�sorry about that. Anyway, she's yakking on like I care but mmm�the supple skin and that tummy are a dangerous combination. You know on rewind it looks a little fishy to me. Michelle's face is pale white, and I mean ghostly white and her tummy looks like she's been in Bermuda for a two months. I think it's a tummy double. I just want to say that it's still a yummy tummy. Lindsay bought a blanket for the baby from some antique store. Mel is not pleased she says it's bad luck. The girls go downstairs to greet a still morning Emmett who is reading The Psychology of the Vagina. I can't tell you how interesting that must be but I'll move along. Emmett is still stuck up on Ted and blah blah. On a side note, everyone's hair is looking less jacked up this episode. All we get from this scene is some stereotypical lesbian slander and life goes on.
At the Loft That May Be Foreclosed On, Brian looks to have just bought a new plasma television and Justin comments, "I got to hand it to you Brian. Not many people I know who just got fired would go out and buy a new five thousand dollar liquid television." First off, who else does he know who just got fired, and pray tell which one of these associates has five thousand dollars? Brian quips what else is he to do with all the spare time and as he's setting it up he gets a Stick commercial. Justin says it's ironic. Brian says no. He bought the air time for the Stick ads. Seems Justin has been delving into the writing world again by making the new Rage issue imitate the nastiness of life. Brian's one good line is to say "holy pork chop."
Ben and Michael have come home for a noon quickie and Ben even called the school to see where Hunter was. Don't they know classes run from eight till three? Really, they should know this already. Maybe this episode get a B+, because this is too lame even for Cowlip, but I guess they hired the intern again from season one so anything is likely. As our boys are ready to shed the clothes, there is a knock on the door. It's some red headed woman looking for Benjamin Bruckner. Ben is still half dressed with his shirt unbuttoned and the lady says she got the address from the school. Seems this lady is Hunter's mom, Rita Montgomery. Then they are sitting with Rita upset saying in a shrill voice, "He said I was in prison." She lays on some cock and bull story about cheating husband and sending him off to foster families. She now wants little Jimmy to come home. Seems Rita came to get her son. She's going to make it up to him. Michael looks like he did in 101 when Brian told him he was giving that guy sucking his dick his phone number. He wasn't buying that lie from Kinney and he isn't buying this horse shit either. I don't know who this lady is trying to fool but it isn't working so try again somewhere is you floozy.
Brian goes to Stick's main competition, the token Black Guy to ask him to run some new ad Brian has dreamed up. Black guy, I'm calling him Councilman Binkins till I get a real good look at his name. He wants to know why Brian who was pro-Stick now gives him this wee gem. Brian says he's always had a "deep and abiding regard for the truth�especially where politicians are concerned." Binkins says the tape could damage Stick or damage his reputation if it's not true. Brian says Stick may be a dick but at least he's not a pussy.
Back at the Happy Fun House Emmett is up ready to move on with his life. Mel says she is proud and happy to see him up and about. Emmett says he ready to put Teddy aside. The doorbell rings and it's the Dark Court Jester himself, looking as vampish as ever, pale as death bathed in some funny special effects lights. Cowlip stop already, let the story tell itself. Learn form the mistakes of Oprah and Toni Morrison's horrendous attempt "Beloved." Ted says he was surprised to hear from Michael that Emmett was living with the girls. Ted look a bit better as well but don't put any garlic near him he'd start to smoke! Basically, Ted wants Emmett to come home. Emmett says it's not a good idea. Ted says Emmett is still his friend and lover. Emmett says he "used" to love that word. Ted smooches him in hopes to remind him. Mel interrupts by going up the stairs saying it's time for Gus' bath. Ted is making promises and Emmett is not buying it. He doesn't believe Ted. Ted gets defensive, "You don't trust me?" Emmett calls him an addict, and says he's not going to join in the fun. Ted thinks "they" have turned Emmett against Ted. Emmett says it's Ted. Ted says he doesn't need Emmett telling him what the fuck to do.
At Woody's, Deb, Vic, and Justin are still trying to get the "apathetic apes" as Vic calls them to get out and vote. They should enlist MTV, I'm sure they could get out the vote in these boys, and are there only a handful of lesbians in town. Do guys and gals not consort together? There are hardly any women in gay PA, what's up with that? Justin has admitted defeat saying he's found a better way to spend his time, making paper airplanes with the fliers. Debbie of course says her signature word "fuck" a couple of times for good measure and then we turn to Ben and Mike who look like they just found out Ben was loosing all his muscles and good looks because he told a lie about when he got HIV.
Ben and Mike tell Debbie about Rita and her plans and how Rita doesn't know shit. Debbie understands and knows but that doesn't negate the fact she's his mom and nothing replaces a mother's love, unless of course that mother is pimping her son out to the masses for financial gain. Brian comes in and tells the bar keep to turn on the TV. Brian put his campaign ad on the tele for all to see. Ooh and it's good too! Really damning and chock full of tasty tidbits on the dark side of Stick. Everyone ooh's and ahh's over the snippet. Debbie is so impressed, she doesn't even swear.
We move back to the lesbians and they are kissing and about to make some girl love. We see Mel's breast and that tight flat as a board stomach. Oh god what Lindsay does to Mel is illegal in like eight states and makes me a happy camper. Ooh how I wish it were me kissing that tummy of iron. Mel goes to reach for the dildo and finds the Lindsay's baby gift. End the sex. Mel tells the story of her mom's miscarriage. She's scared of history repeating itself. Oh this is sweet. I like this moment between the girls, it's real and feels right. Bravo Cowlip. Now back to fuck-ups.
Hey and before you get all hating on me I was not referring to Brian and Justin. Now back to them by the way. They seem to be in an over crowded restroom with Justin asking who are the Concerned Citizens for Truth. He knows full well who they are as we get a glimpse of a security guard in the restroom ensuring no one is up to any hanky panky.
Moving on to Babylon, Brian and Justin find Emmett and he's all gloomy.
Emmett: You know we've never done this before [Wow I never would have guessed.]
Brian: It's a shame we make such a lovely couple�we're both�tall.
Emmett: So why now?
Brian: I thought you might enjoy being the center of attention.
Emmett: Ha�ha�ha�how'd you figure that?
Brian: You're with me. [You know sometimes I wish I could be that confident but I know the bravado hides so much insecurity underneath it's depressing.]
Emmett: You're unbelievable.
Brian: I know. [God he's the epitome of cool. I an envious! Spotting Emmett spotting Ted] And you also need to move on.
Emmett: I have [Yeah and Aunt Jemima's real name is Constance Mayweather.]
Brian: Forget about him. He's dead
Emmett: He's not dead. [He is a vampire and look he's with doctor smack as well.]
Brian: But he will be soon enough. That's his problem. Keep dancing.
Emmett: I don't know how you do it.
Brian: It's easy. Just put one foot in front of the other
Emmett: I mean be so heartless!
Brian: Well, it takes a little practice, but eventually you get the knack.
Emmett: Well, I could never be like that.
Brian: Sure you could!
Let me tell you something. Brian shows his true colours in this scene and I for one and giving this scene an A+ for being well acted. Gale still can't dance, then again I'm no Fred Astaire either, and he wasn't lying when he said put one foot in front of the other. The finished this conversation by telling Emmett, "Go back to him! Show him how much you care. Let him kill you too!" Anytime a friend tells you to drop another mutual friend for your own good and puts it in terms you would comprehend just speaks volumes about a person. By the way what is this teacher-grasshopper relationship Brian and Emmett seem to share. I like it. What I'm more surprised about is that Debbie hasn't come to forcibly cart Ted off to Betty Ford herself, but I digress. Ted looks at Emmett with the hate of three Hitlers and Emmett being as sane as he is returns to dancing with the stud himself letting his dim flame reignite and burn bright for all to see. Brian Kinney you told us a lot about your credo tonight sir. How to cope and keep on trucking, because staying still and looking over your shoulder is the path to self-doubt and destruction. Cowlip actually wrote a scene and let the dialogue and actors make it happen instead of glitzy effects.
The next day Ben and Mike are discussing whether they should tell Hunter the horrid news. Hunter comes home looking ever so neat and clean and gets a bomb laid on him. They tell him they had a visitor and Hunter is nervous, and they tell him mommy dearest is coming for him and Hunter bolts like a man running from the IRS. The finally catch up with him at the end of the street which looks to be blocked off to repairs. Is this Brewster Place? Are Cowlip now making references to Oprah Winfrey movies? Have they no shame? We have another good scene here and Hunter tell the boys why he can't go back with the egg donor. Seems egg donor was the reason Hunter was on the street as a hustler. She's the one who coined the phrase, "you like young dick?" Ben and Mike try to see it from Rita Skeezer's point-of-view, but they finally understand once he tells them. Michael for one is not letting him go, and that's a promise!
At the Liquidation Loft Sale where everything must go today, Justin is coming in to find all Brian's possessions being carted off by moving men. He wants to know what's going on. You know I thought brainiac knew but I guess he's about as sharp as a blunt object too. He and Michael can be Tool and Tool, Jr. Brian got rid of everything except the liquor cart because man can't live by Sunshine semen alone. He'll need something to wash it down with afterwards and just so you know, I'm never kissing another person again. I can't ask people have you performed oral sex on someone because that would be in poor taste but, the once and future Mrs. Hohenstaufen will have an examination to take before the wedding. There will be several multiple choice questions, some fill in the blank and a lie detector test to ensure the answers were truthful to begin with. Be prepared. Brian maxed out five gold cards. Dear Lord man I have like one platinum card which does me just fine. My limit is nice and padded but I don't need five. I'd never remember when what bill was due and to whom. I already accidentally sent the cable check to the electric company once. Got a call from both wanting to know what they should do. I told them to hold on to them I'd come and get them and switch them. Lord that's what I get for trying to write a report and pay bills at the same time. Now I just pay them on-line and there are no more issues like that.
Oh, I forgot to say why Brian maxed out the cards but you already know. He's the Concerned Citizens for Truth. Justin says the group is loony. They retreat to the bedroom because Brian feels a recession headache coming on. Did you see where the jobless rate is at a all time nine year high. The moron in the White House should be whipped, tarred, and feathered for his ineptness. Justin says at least he didn't sell his bed and Brian says he'd sell a Kidney first. He may be magnanimous but he's keeping his money maker around. Justin says it's noble and out of character. Brian says he did it because some asshole told him if you believe in something strong enough you have to be willing to sacrifice everything. Oh if that wasn't an 'I love you' I don't know what was.
We move on to Doctor Smack's house where Ted has just come too and looks to still be reeling from the effects of his latest intake of the white potion. Everyone downstairs seems to be engrossed in some home movie. Ted says he must have crashed and Mark tells him yeah for two whole days. Everyone is half-naked and guess who the star of our 'hot' indie film is, Ted Schmidt. Ted says it's hot and breathes, "go for it." Then he sees who it is they are gang fucking and Ted revolts from the drug. He thought Mark was his friend. Poor schmuck, he's a fool if there ever was one. He's dead to me for now.
At the Diner, Deb is refusing death to those who haven't voted when she should be force feeding them the pink plate special if they haven't voted. Debbie denies Brian and Michael lemon bars until they perform their unalienable rights, to which Brian queries, anal sex? Opps, that's a triple whammy there friend you get nada. The boys go off to vote. Brian is still wearing that hideous jacket. Would someone please burn that thing! Mikey and Brian talk about Brian net worth and Mikey whines and Brian says sometimes a gay man has to do what a gay man has to do. Seems there is a long ass line to vote. Gay boy is affronted that Brian asked him what the line was for. Brian asks him who's running? No answer but at least he got the 'apathetic apes' to do the right thing.
Ted is at the clinic and has come to ask for some help. You know Teddy the good Lord helps those who help themselves. I'm so proud of you for taking the first step and admitting to the mistake and then the next one of getting some help. I'm so happy for you, and just because you're a good man Ted Schmidt, the good Lord has another surprise for you.
Meanwhile on the same side of town Rita Skeezer has come to meet Hunter and Ben and Mike at their front door. Hunter tells her to get away. Skeezer tries to approach Hunter he backs off like she is the plague. Ben tells Rita that Hunter is staying. Rita says she doesn't care, she's the mommy and she is running this show. Ben and Mike don't think so. She's so guilty it's sad really she knows exactly what they are referring to then she goes on to threaten to bring the cops and then adds some hate saying she doesn't know what the fags have done to her son. Ben should take one of those beefy thighs and knock the bitch out and cement her to the bottom of the river. She's going to get the cops and a court order. Michael sneers at her so bad I'm scared for the woman.
Back at the clinic Ted is looking around feeling worse for wear and then he hears his name from none other than Blake. There is a God out there Ted and he loves you. Your twink has come home. Blake says it's ok no need to explain. Blake says he's going to group and invite Ted along. Ted is so humble and still makes a funny and Blake blushes and says Ted is still funny. Ted wanders if he's got what it takes. Blake says he'll make it. They get to group and low and behold, Blake is the counselor. People the good we do and try to do for those we love does work. We may not think so in the now but the message got home to Blake and he's changed his life around. I'm so happy I could weep. Ted is shocked, amazed, humbled and I hope he can make it. God knows I do. I'd also like to see him and Blake together again for my own selfish purposes and see Emmett find someone he truly deserves.
At Woody's everyone is waiting for the results Debbie needs nails to bite so Brian offers his. Kinky I know. Lindsay tells us this reminds her of Homecoming Queen, which she won to which well roll our collective eyes. Emmett says he won too. I love Emmett. Meanwhile a man needing a facial if I ever say one, Vic says he's live through Nixon, Reagan, and two Bushes. I'm thinking the AIDS has fucked up his brain because last I knew Bush, Jr. was up for re-election and since he ain't dead Vic could not have lived through it. I think someone may have spiked either his meds or he really should mix them with alcohol. He talking all kinds of crazy.
At Ben and Mike's, Rita shows up with the cops and Ben ever the do good-er says Hunter may have to go with her until they can get a lawyer and sort this mess out. He didn't think it prudent to give�I hate even uttering this one�Mel a call or possibly be looking up attorney's since Rita Skeezer said she was bringing the law into this. Michael has decided to run and Ben is still trying to be rational about all of this and I wish he could have some of what Vic has and fuck himself up a bit and think like a man with nothing left to lose for a change. Where is the jungle juice when you need it. Ben could put on some loin cloth go down there and beat the shit out of the cops, flip the car over a few times thump his chest, kill Mommy Dearest, "NO WIRE HANGERS!!!!!" and still be back in time for the results to Stick's election and fuck the shit out of Michael and show Brian and the rest of Pittsburgh how it's done. They'd have to scrape Michael off the wall and sheets! It'd be like getting fucked by the Hulk! Did I just say all that? Wow, this show has had an influence on me, hee! Ok, well Michael decides to bolt, he lays a smooch on Ben to leave him breathless and bails. As they are about to go Hunter returns to give Ben a hug. I'm telling you there is a god Cowlip maybe able to write.
Back to Woody's and Marvin Deekins wins the election. Everyone is happy and Brian and Justin kiss. Gayopolis came to the rescue of the whole polis. They take the celebration to the street in black and white another stupid camera trick. Cowlip almost did it right then fucked it up. A new rainbow flag is hoisted to the top of a lamppost and the avenue is bathed in colour. Our two boys from the beginning are in the middle of the street kissing like it's a new day which it is. Debbie spots Emmett and gives him some sage advice, "Mourn the losses for they are many, but celebrate the victories for they are few." Yes even Debbie make good sense. Deb and Emmett dance the night away.
On a side note Mel has made it to her second tri-mester which means this season has spanned all of three months and we must be still in the winter of the previous year because I don't recall a holiday episode anywhere. Oh I wonder what the year has in store for these people and frankly unless Mel is truly carrying the mutant child she really may not be showing too much. Stop sticking those abs out!
The embodiment of Rage and JT survey the masses.
Justin: Thanks to Rage, the streets of Gayopolis are once again safe for perverts. [Brian turning to Justin eyes him intently] What are you doing?
Brian: I'm using my powers of mind control.
Justin: Drop your pants. Bend over. Surely you can use your amazing superpowers for something more constructive than that.
Brian: Try as I might, I can't come up with anything else.
Michael and Hunter come running from no where, I'm surprised they could get through the throng.
Michael: Hunter's in deep shit trouble! His mom came to take him away!
Hunter: And she brought the cops!
Michael: So I took him and I ran.
Brian: My god, have you no respect for authority? The law?
Michael: I had to do something. [Hmm� couldn't have just told the cops he left.
Brian: So you'd risk it all.
Michael nods.
Brian: Mikey, you are so�
Michael: Pathetic. I know. What are we gonna do now?
Brian: [tosses the keys to Michael] Go for it!
Michael: You sure?
Brian: [to Hunter] I've lived with a mother. It's a fate worse than birth. [He isn't lying in the least either. Then Brian and Michael hug and kiss. Hunter look around like damn could you two move it along I'm running from evil here.]
Brian: [to Michael] Use hi-test. [??? Someone explain to me please, thanks.]
Justin points out now Brian doesn't have a car either. Brian says he guess he's lost everything and Justin says, "Not everything." Boy there was a collective B/J yelp on that one and we close with the boys embracing each other and that ladies and gents is what I call a wrap.
Now to answer some questions I posed in 3-1:
Pressing Questions:
Will Michael get a life? Lord thank you it seems he finally did.
Will Debbie ever shut the hell up? Well, no, but at least she is making some sense now.
Will Brian keep fucking a new Justin-look-a-like every week till they get back together? The answer is yes and thank Providence they did, people were dying.
Will Brian always be blamed for EVERYTHING, even the stock market crashing? Of course it's his lot in life, never to accept praise for the good but to always accept blame.
How come I want to be Brian's new friend and have the others sent to a prison camp in Siberia? Just because he's the coolest cat and best friend a person can have.
New Questions:
What will Mel give birth too or will fate be kind and there be some snafu and this kid be Brian's by immaculate donation?
Which is more valuable: Justin's ass or his art?
Will Ted reunite with his long lost twink? And what is Emmett going to say about all of this?
Will Brian get a job so Justin will not mention money any more out of that trap of his?
Will we get a new hair and make-up guy?
Will orange remain the new blue or is blue going to revolt and claim it's rightful place as the new blue?
Is Stick a closet pedophile?
Will Debbie give Horvath some tonguing?
Will Cowlip keep Efrem Seeger around?
All this and more next season on QAF. Happy Fourth everyone.
P.S. I'll see you then.
Max.