This week was all about the cause and effect of hustling and how ejaculating into a condom can be one's undoing. I'll give it a B just because I'm feeling generous but Ted is really starting to get on my nerves. We know he's a crack head, now can we just have him diving off some rooftop and get it over with? Thanks. This week's episode is the next to the last and to hear some people say it, 3-14 was the next best thing to Providence itself but I'll wait and pass judgment until I see it. Yes, that's right I still haven't watched 3-14 although it is on tape. I think I'll do one of my patented on the fly recaps for it, doing it as I watch it. Ardra seemed to like them loads last year and I've missed not being able to do them this year as we've all been swamped with our respective money-makers and no get your mind out of the gutter, I'm talking about gainful, legal employment. Now without further ado let's shake it dude.
Previously on QAF, Ted went down for the final count and succumbed to the dark side. Hunter went off into the darkness with evil itself. Brian picking up on a cue from Jennifer decided the best way to catch a scumbag was to whore out Justin for the evening.
We begin at the loft in a somber mood. Brian is smoking a fag in the dark staring out the window he can no longer afford. Justin comes out of the bedroom and tries to lighten up Brian's mood to no avail. Justin says he'll dress up again as the hustler and go a scouring the clubs for evil. Brian shakes his head no. Seemingly it worked for Jennifer but won't for him dammit. So our likely pair decide to role play with Justin as 'the Hustler' and he tells Brian it's going to cost him $100.00. Brian is like we were only playing and Justin says he wasn't. A knock on the door�
Justin scurries back to the bedroom like a cockroach and Brian answers the door. Look everyone it's Hunter, our resident hustler. Seems he's come over in the night�wait one minute, does all of gay PA know where the lair is? Damn even strangers know where to find Kinney. He' really needs to get another place to fuck and suck because how would you like it if you had family staying over and at the crack of dawn some hustler comes over looking for some action? So this is the reason why I really couldn't give this episode a higher mark. What Hunter has been carrying all over town is reminiscent of Michael is adoptive brother.
Brian wants to know what the hell Hunter is doing there and then Hunter tells him he got the goods on the cop with a condom full of 'spunk' (see, I'm learning). Brian looks highly disturbed by this, and for someone who just got through dangling one from his fingers last episode, I don't know how he comes off as being sickened by the sight of such things. I'm telling you this in your face attitude of QAF gets to me sometimes, turns my stomach. Brian says a cigarette butt would have sufficed, I guess Hunter wanted some undeniable evidence. Brian puts the condom in a plastic bag and wow here comes the other hustler. Hunter asks why Brian bothers with that [meaning Justin]. He asks how much Justin is charging and Brian looks at Justin and says, "one hundred right?" Justin says yeah but he refuses to pay. Hunter agrees, he wouldn't pay ten bucks for Justin, and I have to agree with the littlest hustler. Justin is getting old and that ass isn't getting any younger. I love taking the mick out of Boy Wonder, ever since he told Brian there was always unemployment. Anyway, Brian steps between the two before things get ugly and wait�they're going to get ugly anyway.
At Ben and Mike's, seems it's time for the showdown because Michael is yelling so loud for it to be so early I'd be calling 911 on his ass. "YOU FUCKED A MURDERER!" Dear lord man take it down an octave. Hunter says at least he used a condom, and Brian says at least the safe sex lecture went well. Michael, "SHUT THE FUCK UP!" Could someone please tell him to keep it down, it's way too early for this kind of mess. I swear he's worse than Debbie ever dared. Ben tries to bring some ration to this melee but it doesn't seem to be working. Michael says he was trying to impress Brian, Brian whose had enough retorts, "Yeah, well he wouldn't be the first one." [you sank my battleship] Michael brings up the boyfriend and Hunter is like really? Brian says yeah in a non-defined, non-conventional way. So Ben being the only adult among them decides it's time to bring it all home for everyone. Ben says it dangerous; Mike says he could have been killed. Hunter says they all could have killed him. Mike wants to know why he continues. Hunter says he was sexualized at a young age, and it's a great way to make non reportable income. This boy continues to impress me. I swear he'll make a great politician one day. Brian sticks up for him knowing how tough it can be. Or else Brian is just playing the role of the ass in all of this. Ben says the hustling is coming to an end. He's got to go to school and give a damn about his future. Mike chimes in as well and then Hunter revolts saying he would rather be in a dumpster and dead than have to sit and listen to this. He leaves and Brian follows saying to Ben and Mike, "way to go ma and pa."
We move from that scene to one I wish to never ever have to see again in my lifetime, of Ted fucking Emmett. I've never been a great fan of the Brian and Justin gratuitous sex so you know this is really something I'd rather not be forced to endure. To make matters worse, Emmett looks like I do when I'm in a staff meeting. I've seen that look before it comes over me at about the half way mark between when this meeting was supposed to be over and when it actually WILL be over. Emmett tells Ted he's had enough for now. Ted tells him to take some more smack but Emmett isn't up for that either. Ted wants Emmett to have some more and Emmett tells the freak man to leave it be. I used to feel sorry for Ted but he's about worn out my empathy resolve and now I'm ready to let him be thrown to the gutter and die. I know it's harsh and Beth and I discussed this earlier but I agree now wholeheartedly. It's time for Ted to have an accidental overdoes and this time not wake up to Brian fucking the nurse. Ted looks and acts like a ferret on speed. He sniff some more shit and whines about his dick being hard and I've got something hard for you asshole, how about some hard time in detox at Max's Detoxification Hell hole where all detox comes with a maximum amount of Viet Cong torture methods. We'll condition you to fear even Tylenol. Emmett is going to take a shower and Ted asks what the fuck he is going to do, he wants to get off. Emmett says maybe later and Ted gets shitty. He says Emmett should jerk him off if he can handle it, not later, now. Emmett to shut him up gives him a hand job. Emmett what you ought to do is see if he can slip another disc and leave his ass in agony on the floor for a week, see how he like them apples!
Brian goes to Horvath with his condom of evidence. Boy when they said DNA could be your undoing they weren't lying. This guy put out way more than Mike letting me further know Tool's tool may need a tune up. I bet Ben could beat the cop. Hell I bet Hunter could beat the cop, shit I bet Debbie could beat the cop! Horvath wants to know what the fuck that is. Brian says it's the hard evidence he was looking for. Horvath is not impressed by this at all. He wants to know what in the hell Brian expects him to do with this. Brian says test it to see it matches "what they siphoned out of 'dumpster boy's ass." Riekert, that's the cop's name retired a year ago citing pressure. Hmm�I wonder what could have caused that. Brian wants to know if the guy knew Stick. Horvath says yeah they were partners for about fifteen years. Ooh, I wonder if Stick and Riekert were more than partners. I told you Stick looked like a pedophile. Also I thought someone burned that hideous ass jacket Brian likes to wear when he's skanking himself. I think the fashion police have let me down.
Well, it seems Justin does still go to school. He's in the Dean's office having a list of allegations read against him. I feel Mr. Taylor is a prisoner before the bar. First off the painting in this guy's office looks like something Michael would have done in grade school. Justin had decided to play smart ass and lose the war instead of admitting to the mistake. Justin says he was doing a "kick-ass" job, but the Dean is going to be more pragmatic than that. He tells Mr. Taylor that he has jeopardized the entire internship program and brought negative light to the school. Justin is going to have a disciplinary hearing and he must apologise. Needless to say, Justin is not happy about this chain of events. He's shocked he has to apologise for his actions. Dean tells boy punk if he wants to remain a student he'd better pony up to the table with his pants (what a Freudian slip, I mean tail) between his legs.
Next scene is Mel and Linds and the sperm donor with some electrodes hooked up to Mel absolutely flat and gorgeous tummy. A man can dream can't he and Michael is speaking into some microphone yelling at the unborn abomination to man. Holy crap I though they were at the doctor's and they seem to be in the comic store out in front where any ole body could come along and see this. Emmett walks in looking worse for wear and you know an "I told you so" is coming along. Michael like the tool he is asks the diva if he's like to say something to the creature but diva says he doesn't think the parents would like that at all. Mel and Linds take that as their cue to leave and Emmett knowing they were right can't own up to it. Emmett tells Mike he'll apologise for calling Mel a cunt when she apologises for calling him a silly faggot. Well I won't be holding my breath. I haven't known Mel to recant so I guess it'll be a cold winter in gay PA. Emmett says a lot of people in the community use crystallus.
Emmett: They should have shown some understanding. So he used crystal. He's hardly the only one. It's no big deal! [This is the only true statement he's going to make]
Michael: Are you saying�don't tell me�you didn't!
Emmett: It just happened. [Like you and honey mustard man and Justin and rat boy]
Michael: Taking crystal does not just happen! [I wonder how he can say this knowing full well when he brought his sorry ass back from Portland he was drugging himself out every damn night. Just like wanting to infect yourself with HIV doesn't just happen. These people pick the oddest times to be getting up on their high horses. Michael acts all adult like and I want someone to kill him please and save me the trouble of hiring a gnat to lure him into oncoming traffic.]
Emmett: I thought that if I did it with him, he would know I'm not being judgmental or disapproving like everyone else. That he would trust me and know that I love him so that when I asked him to stop, he would. [You see what crystal does; it fucks up your logic. That's the same kind of logic that led to Brian and Justin breaking up. It's the 'battered wife' logic. He does it to show he loves me. Fuck that shit he's bringing you down too!
On the street, Skank and Brian discuss, Skank's latest tale of woe. Brian tells him to go apologise so he can finish his education, have the freedom to paint what he wants, and make money doing it. Brian tells him to go apologise for himself, not for them. You know Brian knows the motto of admitting to the mistake than lose the war quite well. I wish he would instruct others in it. Justin is still all if you care about money. I want to know where he plans to be getting any money now that his sugar daddy is on sweet & low and his mother is maintaining her own household raising her daughter. I guess she is really going to let Justin do his own thing. Meanwhile Brian has ditched boy toy for Horvath at the diner. Carl tells Kinney it matches but it's still not enough. Brian says he held up his end so now Horvath has to hold up his. Carl like myself is wary of digging up old bones when them old bones can possibly get you marked. Carl says it going to take more. Brian is not pleased. I know DNA did nothing for OJ but this is insanity. What the fuck else does Horvath want? My gawd I can't ask the man to confess his sins and expect nothing will happen. Where is Dirty Harry when you need him to go find some punk and say, "Do you feel lucky punk? Well�do you!"
At the home of Ben and Mike's, Ben is working and Mike wants him to come to bed. Ben is really frustrated that Hunter is playing the role of boy hustler even thought Ben and I mean this, Ben is trying his best because we all know tool is too concerned with Brian and creature to ever be worried about Hunter. Too bad Hunter over hears this conversation. Ben is ready to give in but Mike wants to save a soul, maybe Michael does care about someone other than Brian. I believe Hunter is going to take stock of the situation and make the right decision. I love this kid.
The Hustler bar and Brian is going to talk with Riekert. Oh, I feel danger is in the air boys and girls. Brian pulls out his trump card and shows Riekert a picture of Jason and you know what happens next, Riekert is going to loose it and shove Kinney but alas Brian just tells him they found Riekert's load up Kemp's ass and then wonder where Riekert is going. Seems our ex-cop has heard enough. Brian, however, gets him to come and listen. Brian tells of Hunters accolades and how the cops ran their little science project and found that he's the lucky contestant of the week. Brian keeps on digging like a fool to the fire and eventually cop has had enough and about snatches Brian into next week. Let me take a moment here and discuss subtlety and detective work. Seems Brian is about as subtle as Debbie Novotny, so you know this isn't saying much. Why does he have to be so damn heavy handed about all of this? It's ridiculous. You want some irrefutable evidence, I'd go digging some up but I'm definitely not going to accost this man in public in some seedy ass bar and then let him leave my sight where he can run to his comrade Stick whining about my interlude into his business. Brian, stick to trying to look good and stop being a gum shoe. You nor the skank who is your maybe boyfriend are very well at doing this stuff. Next time seek professional help in the form of Hunter. He knows how to get the job done discreetly. Our cop just leaves because he's sure Kinney has told him everything he knows; now it's his turn to call the shots.
Oh everyone, let's al thank the good people at Head & Shoulders and Dawn, because my boy Hunter has finally come home. He saw the error of his ways. People he's washed some dishes and even washed his hair. He needs to see someone in hair and make-up but it'll do for now. Excuse me for a moment, I need to openly weep on this one�ok, I'm back. Ben and Mike are shocked to say the least. Hunter says he has a date with a high school principal. Mike says he's sure his family is all happy about that. Hunter who is very polite, I'd a told Novotny to stick it, says he going to see about getting back into school. Ben is still off kilter, "Really?" Ben is all smiles and happy. I think I just died and went to heaven. Our boy hustler is giving up the street.
We move on to a deli type place where Ted looks like the fly you found on your hamburger one day and sprayed the fucker even though it meant you had to get another burger. Ted looks like a hammer toe on crack. What the hell is up with him? I know when he does something he does it to the nth degree but damn man take a minute and smell the decay. He's suck lower and faster than the Titanic ever dared to. Emmett looks embarrassed to be near Ted and I don't blame him. Ted is like your worst nightmare come to join you in broad daylight. Ted is kissing and all over Emmett and says he doesn't want anything to eat. His eyes are all big and wide and scary and Ted says he was visiting a friend. Emmett deduces Dr. Crystal. Ted says they did a little Tina. Oh my sweet Jesus, he's got a pet name for a drug. Somebody call Bellevue and hurry up! Of course I refer to Goody's headache powder as legal cocaine but I'm not anthropomorphizing it. Emmett says he only did the crystal to make Ted happy and he's never doing it again. Ted is offended he says it wasn't long ago that Emmett was a waiter, and a maid, and a porn star.
I must stop here and tell Mister Meth that it was thanks to Emmett that his entrepreneur ploy got going in the first place. If it wasn't for the stint as a porn star Ted would still be sucky, lonely, pathetic, loser, shit for brains Schmidt always ready to blame the other guy for his failures on the straight world instead of realizing his hubris and stupidity always land him in dung. Somebody get me the cheese grater it's time to lay a hurting on his scum. I really hate Ted know, I know Scott may need the work but his character has gotten on my last good nerve and frankly we all know where this storyline is going so why have we got to go through this excruciatingly horrific tedious tale of woe? Why can't he go ahead, overdose and die so we can move on to the main even of whether Justin is going to whore himself out to support Brian? The sum of all fears is that Ted won't die and season four will be nothing more than Temmett and Tina do PA. In the end Ted wants Emmett to throw him a party.
Horvath has come to Debbie's to explain. I know what he's talking about too. If he proceeds with this investigation and finds all the dirty laundry he knows he will, he's a dead man as far as the Pittsburgh P.D. is concerned. Carl is looking forward to getting his pension and going home. Debbie says by all means he should get the pension and plant tomatoes and watch the game on the barco-lounger. Horvath is already in shit because Debbie opened her big mouth and she had every right to but this is the problem with voicing one's beliefs. Sometime, we have to stop and take count of who we might be hurting or endangering when he voice our opinions. Documented words have such far reaching ramifications it's not even funny. Carl has come to a cross roads and I'm sure his conscience is wreaking havoc with him; otherwise he wouldn't have come to explain himself to Debbie. Of course she doesn't understand his position; she's an idealist, not the pragmatist. This episode is all about idealism and pragmatism and the laws of Kant.
The school and our boys are leaving having picked up the paper work for Hunter. His name by the way is James Hunter Montgomery. He turned sixteen last Tuesday. He said to celebrate he pulled three tricks and made $150.00, and that's all the celebration he needed. You know he sounds like someone else I know his name is Brian Kinney. I'm telling you Brian and this kid are cut from the same mold.
At Stick's headquarters, Stick is talking to the flunkies and they are all goo-goo over Stick being a shoe end for Mayor. Stick says a lot can happen in the final week and he's brought his arch nemesis in to ensure nothing happens in the final week. Well look, it's none other than Brian.
Brian: So what can I do for you?
Stick: I was thinking more of what I could do for you. [I smell a pay off coming]
Brian: Even better.
Stick: I'm sure you've been following the campaign.
Brian: No, I've been too busy shopping and blow-drying my hair. [Everyone chuckles, hee! I still feel like Brian is playing with fire.]
Stick says by this time next week he'll be the new mayor and he owes it to Brian and regrets what happened. So you like me know that Riekert told Stick about Kinney's visit to the hustler bar, no?
Stick: I asked to see you because I wanted I wanted to say how much I regretted what happened. [You know when you hold the winning hand it's so easy to be magnanimous.]
Brian: That's very classy of you.
Stick: And that perhaps I acted in haste; misjudged the situation.
Brian: No apologies, no regrets.
Stick: We made a great team. You did me a great service. [That was again?]
Brian: Are you offering me my job back?
Stick: I'm offering you a future. There's a lot I can do, even more than before. You always wanted my backers for your client list. I can still deliver them. And now you can keep them all to yourself. [So he not offering him his job, he's offering him blood money in the form of a quid pro quo. Oh Stick how real politik of you but let's all pray not even Brian is willing to dance with the Devil again.]
At Temmett's, Emmett has outdone himself this time and has planned an elegant dinner party, but I think he'd been better to get some air mattresses, some beer and a nice big hefty bag for all the used condoms. Ted is an ass especially when Dr. Strangelove comes in with the merry band of hustlers. Ted says the theme is crystal and Dr. Strangelove says it's a good thing he brought his party favours with him. Everyone whips out their pipes and light up. Emmett makes a hasty retreat especially after everyone makes themselves at home and we get a nice picture of Ted being overcome by the crystallus. So a fucking we will go. Kill him now!
Brian goes to talk to Horvath about the events of the day and Horvath tells Brian that Riekert is dead. Seems he washed his car then shot himself. Now, I hope he didn't splatter blood all over his clean car and who in their right mind is going to spend the time to wash their car and then blow their brains out. Here me America, if I'm going to off myself, I'll take a shower, put on some clean boxers and overdoes on pills, not make all that mess. If this guy killed himself for real, I'll vote for Stick myself, but we all know some foul play was involved and poor Carl is beginning to get in over his head on this one. At least he was going to do the right thing though. Brian is not pleased.
Next morning Emmett wakes up at home, I mean the once and future home of Emmett, Ben and Mike. Emmett helps Mike with Hunter birthday cake. It's a cute scene but takes away from the next powerhouse coming, Justin and the apology.
He's at his disciplinary hearing apologizing for his actions hoping he's not done irreparable damage to the school and the internship program. He says all the right words and they eat it up, but the Dean goes one step too far and wants Justin to scribe a letter of apology to Vance and Stick. See what happens when you ask for too much. Justin says no. What really is questionable is the way the Dean knows he's asked for too much as he takes a sip of water uttering his last request as if he's trying to surreptitiously sneak it in under the wire.
Justin: No
Dean: Did you say something? [Well, I'm sure he did he just told you no.]
Justin: I won't do it. I will not apologise to Stockwell.
Dean: Mr. Taylor, you have no choice.
Justin: No choice? That's exactly what he'd like me to have! He's already taken away my right to assemble, my right to fuc� [For me something more along the lines of "I'd lick the ash from Himmler's boot before I'd apologize to that Fascist Satanic Pig!"]
Dean: [wishing Justin to stop that line of thought] This is not about you being gay. [Well, I'm glad you stated that point again, for a minute there I had almost forgotten.]
Justin: You're right, it's not. It's about freedom of expression, as a person and an artist, without fear of censure or reprisal. That's why I will not apologize to him. Here or under any other circumstance. [He has redeemed himself. This boy is a keeper. Some battles we have to lose in order to remain true to ourselves. He hasn't lost the war but better to not go to the Dark Side. You da man there Justin. Keep on rocking.]
Our crystal party is over and Emmett has come home. Dr. Liability says he's got a tonsillectomy at 10:30. Oh I'm calling the AMA and PA Dept. of Insurance. I'm sure they'd love to hear this tidbit. Dr. Strangelove says the party is never over and there is a get together at his place this evening to which Ted says he'll be there. The good doctor says he'd ask Emmett to cater but they are watching their weight. Hee, it's so funny I had an embolism. Ted looks like he's a mutant cracked up fly with turrets syndrome. They never touched the food and it reeks says Emmett and he begins to Lysol the place down. You may need something like Rid-ex or Raid for this Emmett. Ted goes on the war path.
Ted: So where'd you go?
Emmett: Does it matter?
Ted: Of course it matters. You embarrassed me! [Frankly I'm surprised you even noticed he was gone]
Emmett: I embarrassed you?
Ted: It was extremely rude of you, to just take off. My friends think you don't like them!
Emmett: I don't! [Me neither, bunch of free-loading crystallus losers.]
Ted: Since when did you get so fucking superior? [Ted goes on about sheik cheese and crackers, not realizing he's turned into one�opps is that a racial epithet, well you know when the shoe fits you got to wear it.]You'll always be just a piece of trash from Hazlehurst, Mississippi!
Emmett: I don't need you to tell me that because I tell myself that every day. But at least I'm not a tweaked out, fucked out crystal queen!
Well, Ted looks like he's about ready to kill you Emmett so I'd get a lighter and that aerosol can and make ready. Emmett tells Teddy it's not too late, he can come back from the Dark Side. George Lucas should sue. This is the most contrived scene I've ever witnessed but I'll give it to Pete and Scott they did it justice even if it was for shit. Ted says he's tired of being himself. He wants to be new crack whore vampire Ted, it makes him happy. Poor Teddy realizes he was a tad anal but now he's gone overboard. Emmett says it's pathetic and then Ted throws Emmett out in he midst of snorting some smack and saying everything is beautiful.
Ben took Hunter shopping and seemingly the boys had some fun. You know even I love to shop I must say, it makes me happy. Sometimes just being a tad decadent can make a world of difference. Anywho they come home and surprise it's a b-day party for Hunter. The usual suspects are here. Hunter look like Ben did when they threw him a b-day party and hen Justin got his Hustler for his b-day last year. Michael needs to take the damned racket maker out of his mouth before he engages in conversation but alas he's going to play the role of idiot again. Hunter looks like I do when my parents have accompanied me somewhere and they start to act all parentish on me and make me turn red in the cheeks and that's hard being of my skin colour and all, hee! Gus still looks like he's on crystal himself. He smiles at Hunter knowing this kid has it better than he does.
Look who comes but Emmett, and he's about to fall to pieces. Mel says Emmett can stay with them. Mel says she was wrong; he stood beside his partner no matter what. And that makes Emmett one brave, loyal faggot. Hmm�I still see a dig in there somewhere.
Debbie tells Michael he's a good man. Michael is shocked he almost falls over. Then to make sure he heard correctly he verifies this utterance with Ben once mommy dearest leaves. You know Michael, Linus said the same thing to Charlie Brown and it was true, in your case; it's still up for debate. Seems Hunter has given up tricking for super game boy�and his attitude has not been affected. Me thinks it's time for Benji the Mighty to dangle this kid by his heels from the window, teach him some manners. Of course we could chalk it up to this being alien to him, being in a loved albeit clearly deranged family group, but I like the dangling by the feet so I'll stick with that.
Our final scene is Holmes and Watson discussing the fallout of their sleuthing game.
Justin: So the guy's dead. That only proves he did it. That's why he killed himself, to avoid disgrace and to protect Stockwell, who I suspect he secretly loved. [You thought so too huh? I guess great minds think alike.]
Brian: Leave it to a queen to turn anything into a drama!
Justin: What else could it be?
Brian: We'll never know. He'll never tell.
Justin: So it's over?
Brian: [drunkenly perturbed] Yeah, it's over. This time next week Stockwell will be mayor and I'll be collecting unemployment.
Justin: I'll be on the street peddling my ass or my art, whichever makes more money.
Brian: Well don't spend too much on framing.
Justin: They suspended me. Ah�don't look so disappointed. You don't have to pay for my education.
Brian: I thought you were going to apologize?
Justin: I did apologize, but then they wanted me to apologize to HIM and I couldn't. I couldn't say I'm sorry to someone who would rather see me dead�all of us dead than be part of his family-friendly world.
Brian: So you'd sacrifice everything.
Justin: Sometimes you have to, for what you believe in.
Now had they not been three sheets to the wind, I would have applauded this scene but this wallowing in sorrow and defeat makes my dick soft. You know this game isn't over yet grasshopper, tis time to get out the final weapon, let Debbie run that mouth of hers with all the information you can muster. Boys, it's time to count the losses and regroup and prepare for one last valiant campaign, one last hoorah for Brian Kinney and his Invincibles. People lesson is this; life is all about causality and the choices we make. Nothing is ever final until we are laid to rest for eternity. Never let them see you run do you hear me, never.
Last week on QAF, was the end to the season. I'm still waiting to see it but I hear it was a blast. I think I'm hungry for it but I'll wait. Thanks for sticking with me. I'll always be around, hee! This is for my girls in TO partying like it's 1999. Until 3-14 where everything changes.