I am not sure who in there in right mind would see this episode as being a forlorn hope. I know it had its moment of pure senility but overall it made a good impression on me. The plight of Ted is all together fitting and demented enough for me to find satisfaction. For once the ensemble nature of the show formed some cohesiveness. Let's see if it can last two more episodes. JB I told you there were only fourteen. You owe me a drink.
Last time on QAF: Ted went to the fuck party and went and got himself pretty much 'fucked' and decided to take off for P.S. I Love You. Brian and Justin got caught with their trousers down and Brian got the boot from Vanguard. The Hellmouth of gay PA has opened to consume all within its reach. This week the Prodigal Son will return to find himself under intense scrutiny and Hunter continues to become my favourite character. Let's shake it dude.
We open at Babylon where throngs of HDGB are moving not with the beat to the music playing. There is glitter everywhere and I must comment that the stuff must be murder on the hair. All the sweat and all that glitter just doesn't make a good combination. Meanwhile, while everyone is grooving to their own beat we move on to the backroom which again has been padlocked. Justin says, "They fucking closed it again. We're just going to have to reopen it again right?" Brian says that's the wrong idea, he's already done enough for fag PA let someone else lead the charge. Justin utters that Brian is just going to take it lying down to which Brian replies he's rather get laid.
At Michael and Ben's, Michael is complaining and whining per the norm about Hunter. He's miffed that Hunter is leaving his things all over the place. Michael picks up some socks which we are led to believe are smelly but we all know they were just bought from K-Mart and the tag taken off and used as some prop. Cowlip, come on. Give us in the audience some credit for not being that blind and ignorant. Ben asks Mike what he was like when he was that age and here I've got to stop and say that more than likely, Mike was whipped even as a child by Brunhilda of the Hill People affectionately known as "Fucking" Debbie Novonty.
Michael is also pissed that Hunter found his stash of cookies. My point is why is he hiding cookies? It's not like he's trying to hide then from Ben who would never indulge in such wanton gluttony I'm sure. Ben says it's a luxury for Hunter to have a roof and munchies. Ben asks if Michael wants a live in maid. Michael says what he really needs is "loud uninhibited, screaming raunchy sex." Ben says he noticed that Michael was holding his breath last night and that was not good, it's like holding in a sneeze. Michael says he didn't want to wake Hunter and hear him say god bless you. Well at least he would be in possession of certain etiquette rules I wish some persons in my office were in possession of. Mike goes to wake up Hunter who is still in slumber and when Hunter does come to, he says he was up half the night listening to Mike whining about being overheard. Hunter, the boy genius, tells Michael, the stupid that they should just fuck their brains out and get it over with. I want someone to assure me this kid is going to get an Emmy.
Back in the main area Ben suggests giving Hunter a key and I must say, I'm with Mike on this one, hell no. I may like the kid but I'm not giving out administrative access to my pc at work so what makes you think I'm giving a hustler a key to my home? Ben wants to know where Hunter is supposed to go all day. Michael says perhaps, school? I'm thinking the same thing but then Ben says maybe Michael should take Hunter to work with him. Ben's lecture is a little over my head and sounds boring. And before anyone thinks I'm dissing their lifestyle, I find Literature and themes of that sort boring as hell too. I like to read books by dead authors but discussing latent homosexuality in the works of Thomas Mann doesn't do anything for me at all. I'm sorry, a lecture like that is what I call a forty-five minute study break. Hunter comes into the kitchen and takes the OJ from Mike and downs it. Hee, I'm liking this kid more and more. He's just a regular kid who does kid stuff except he's a hustler with HIV. I swear we could build an entire show around his growing pains.
At Temmett's, Emmett is doing the windows with such passion he's almost wiping away a layer of glass. Someone knocks on the door and guess who it is none other than our resident lesbian brigade. Emmett is the next Martha Stewart. Look our Martha, there's a new queen in the land. The wenches have come over to be nosey. They say the money is back in the account and they want to know what's up. Ted hasn't returned any of their messages and Emmett seems a little too shaky for their liking. You know Martha to be you should just tell the truth and be done with it. Accept your slap on the wrist and move on with life. So instead of being the man we know him to be Emmett queens out and confesses and sounds so pitiful even I sympathize with him. That damn Ted better not bring his sad ass back into town, I'll rip him three new ones. Mel looks shocked that Ted has just disappeared for days like she can't imagine it. This from the same woman who thought his mother was dead. I've said it before and I'll say it again, with friends like these you don't need any enemies.
At the comic store that still does no business Mike has taken Hunter into the office with him and asks him if he plans on helping out at all. Mike wants him to dust. Mike should invest in a hepa filter me thinks. Hunter says he's allergic to feathers and can't dust and oh by the way he's reading. Mike queries what and Hunter raises issue two of Rage. Mike asks him what he thinks and Hunter says what many have been ashamed to say for fear of being labeled haters, Rage�"eats shit." Out of the mouths of babes. Hunter says, "Who ever heard of a gay crusader. All fags want is to get their dick sucked." Michael gets indignant and is affronted and tells Hunter for his information he wrote that to which Hunter says, "You ought to know. Besides, a hot hunky hero like Rage could never exist, not in a million years." Of course to bring down the hammer enter Brian in that hideous leather jacket, I thought someone snuck on set and burned that damned thing but I guess it was wishful thinking. Please, someone find out who was over hair and wardrobe and have them sent to the glue factory please. Thank you. I love me some Hunter.
The Living Rage walks in ever so cool and Hunter is like a moth to a flame. Brian better be careful before he has social services knocking on his door. Michael says he thought Brian would be out look for jobs and then Brian does something no friend of mine has ever done and that is kiss me square on the lips doing a wee suck on the bottom one. Now people I don't mean to be back water but I can assure you if a girl who I've known my whole life did something like that and we weren't dating there would be issues abounding. You don't do that to friends. If the French don't do it, then neither am I. That was a violation of personal space and rules of engagement. You go and do that to a friend and you are apt to lose them lips, a tit, or a dick in the process, I guarantee it! So Brian says he's looking for blowjobs, wow how original. Brian came to invite Michael over to his fuck party tonight. Hunter comes over and says the boys go to bed at nine, but he stays up late. Brian asks if this is the kid. Michael introduces the two and Hunter just like a young Brian Kinney begins by an invitation to fuck. People if this isn't Brian Kinney on a stick I don't know what is. Michael shushes him away to do something useful he's afraid of another twink moving in on his fantasy man. Hunter says he was trying to do something useful and winks at Brian. Oh my gawd, this kid is going to give Kinney a run for his money. I'm betting on Hunter and if you were smart you would to. Why can't we just have the Hunter show and leave the rest of these people be?
At the condo of Temmett, Emmett is resting on the sofa and look it's the prodigal crystal queen come home from P.S. I Love You. Emmett in one breath proves why he's a good boyfriend. He wants to know where the fuck Ted has been and then asks if Ted's alright. I love me some Emmett too y'all. Ted sort of resembles me right now all scruffy and what not. I really need to shave again and cut the old noggin but enough on my unkemptness. Ted is still feeling the effects of the drugs because I swear his incisors grew like inches, he looks like a vampire on crack�.wait he is a vampire on crack. Ted must still think he can get out of this because he's not actually forthcoming with information here. Emmett wants a debrief and he isn't getting it. He does let Ted know about the destination to which Ted queries how, but Emmett says it doesn't matter. I mean Ted looks rough y'all. I've see apparitions look better than him. Hell, I've seen people mauled by dogs and alligators look better than him. Oh Emmett is all over Ted like white on rice. He lays it all on the table. He knows about the money Ted stole and tells him not to give him some dog and pony show about old granny dearest giving it up for the cause. Emmett asks Ted how he could steal money from a baby. Ted says it wasn't like he's going to need for the next fifteen years. Oh yeah the drugs have taken over. Ted is going to go down fighting a loosing battle. Sometimes it is better to lose the war than admit to the mistake. Ted rationalizes and justifies his actions: I've never been bad before. I borrowed the money. Emmett says he replaced the money. Ted asks if he did that for him, Emmett says no he did it for the girls so they don't have to think their crystal queen shit for a friend would steal their money and take off to P.S. I Love You. Ted looks so sinister it's scary. I miss old boring Ted. This Ted makes me wonder when I decide to have my bout with the dark side if I'm going to slip this far. I think I have enough good friends who would maim, shoot, and cut off my balls if I ever got to that point and I love them for it.
At the Salmonella Junction, Hunter point blank asks Mike if he and Brian have ever fucked. People I'm adopting this kid, he's all mine. He can have what ever he wants so long as he keeps this tongue on him. Michael is horrified at such a question so Hunter has to repeat himself. Michael says no and Hunter says it figures, Michael doesn't seem his type. Ben is highly amused by this as he recognizes genius in his midst. Michael being ever so jealous tells Hunter he never will either and Hunter says, we'll see about that. Oh hell yeah boys and girls looks like Hunter is on a mission to capture Brian Kinney. I wonder if Brian can bank role two twinks on his unemployment? Ben then wants to know what the hell is going on seems the amusement has gone away for fear Michael will get over zealous and tell Hunter that Ben and Brian had some tectonic plate shifting sex at the White Party. The "Fucker" comes over carrying a sundae as if it was the greatest creation since oxygen. Did anyone notice Sharon Gless steal a glance off set as if to ask why in the hell are we doing this scene? People it was brilliant. She looks off on the sly and it's like did I do it right? Cause I'm not fucking doing this shit again. Hunter, people we need more of him, cloning please, says what does he look like, some nine year old? Debbie says he looks like a smart ass in need of some manners. Well he sure as hell isn't going to learn them from you. Ok, I'm over this scene already Hunter leaves, he can't take Debbie and neither can I. As he's leaving he sees the picture of Jason Kemp and remembers�
Debbie comes and asks Hunter about Jason. Hunter knows Jason said he was quite new at the job. Hunter says he has to go to work. Debbie ever so civic minded wants the low down on what Hunter knows. Debbie says he owes it to Jason to tell. Hunter says he doesn't owe Jason shit, he's dead, and Jason owed him like fifty bucks. Debbie gives him fifty and Hunter spills what he knows. Hunter says they would never arrest the guy anyway, tells team dummy to figure it out. Doesn't take Debbie long or hell who knows how many days have passed. I swear these people wear the same damn thing day after day. She's at the police station haranguing Horvath like he needs an STD. I swear can't she do anything subtly? Horvath says he's going to need proof and what not. Debbie thinks he can just go out and arrest like twelve cops. Horvath wonders why he should accept the word of a hustler. Debbie wants to know why not. Hmm� shall I take a stab at that one folks or can you see where I'm going? Oh what the hell let's throw our own hammer. Debbie you don't believe Brian when he tells you it's raining, why in the hell do you think I'd accept the word of some hustler who may have an axe to grind or some retribution to dish out? That's like me telling my boss to go fuck herself and then asking for a recommendation in the same breath. C'mon you stupid git. Debbie is adamant that Horvath at least talk to Hunter. Horvath says the case is cold coded and there is nothing he can do. Debbie sees Stick written all over this and gets loud per the norm and her voice cracks and I'm going deaf. Horvath then calls her Mrs. Novotny and that as they say is that.
Ok so moving on to Woody's where Emmett and Tool are sitting and reminiscing about good ole Ted prior to his fall from grace and his new friends and habits. Ted then shows up looking way better. Tool wants to comfort him and I want to throw something at the television but am to in need of it to do so at this time. Meanwhile Tool leaves thank Providence and Temmett have a heart to heart. Ted says he was a late bloomer that he didn't have sex with another man till he was 21 and all I can say is I must be an old made by now then because I STILL haven't had sex with another man or A man for all that, hee! I love the little funnies of life, make you happy. Anywho, Ted says he'll make it up to Emmett and he's going to apologize to the girls. He only hopes they accept his apology. He says he has been dangerous and now he's ready to move on. Yeah, I'm buying that like I bought GW's reasoning for attacking Iraq. Please discontinue the kidding of yourself. Thank you. Poor Ted is expending so much energy trying to convince Emmett he forgot to convince himself first.
At the Loft Where STD's Abound, Brian is having his own fuck party and let me tell you from a straight guy point-of-view this party beats any I've been to in awhile. Damn everyone is getting their needs met in comfort and quantity. Of course Brian being the host scoped out the best place for his own debauchment, his bedroom. I mean people are naked, sucking, fucking up against the wall on chairs, the floor, eww�what's the one guy doing to the other guy's ass. Oh hell no, I may be forced to do many a thing in my life but munching on someone's ass isn't one of them, trust me. Debbie has come to tell Brian all the good news about Hunter and Jason. Brian asks the logical question, why should he give a rat's ass, and Debbie goes on to say Stick's campaign could be in deep chet if it's found out one of Pittsburgh's finest was hustling underage boys. Brian tells Debbie to tell her boyfriend, to which Debbie gets ever so defensive and whiny and says, "He's not my boyfriend!" She says Horvath wouldn't do anything and Brian wants to know what in the hell Debbie expects him to do. In my opinion, fair question. Brian says the only thing he's interested in nailing is the tall drink lying in his chamber of power where he gains all his strength. I'm really not sure what in the name of all that's good and holy Debbie thought Brian was going to do at that hour of the night about some shit he little cares about. I mean that's like telling me a class got cancelled after I've already come back from there. Thanks, what the fuck am I supposed to do with the information now! Debbie looks hurt and I must say I'm surprised she can take seeing an orgy up close and personal but dildos on the table, lord help her.
At Ben and Mike's it's louder there than at Brian. Michael is one loud ass fucker (in bother senses of the word) Ben says they will hear him in Afghanistan where I'm sure homosexuality is frowned upon. Hell sex of any kind is frowned upon. Ben is all excuses but Mike knows the score. Ben is worried about Hunter and him hustling. Ben also has a condom wrapper in his hand and I hope it's on because if not, someone has some explaining to do! A knock on the door lets us know our boy has come home.
At the Novotny house the men cooties come home and Rodney or whoever he is�really what purpose is he serving, what purpose is Vic serving? Where is a good case of monkey pox when you need it? I mean they even killed off Jack Kinney so why not Vic. I mean really besides cooking every blue moon he's of no use to any of us. Debbie mopes and groans like any of us care. She's pissed Horvath called her Mrs. Novotny, "Like I was a total stranger." Well Deb considering that's not even your legal name and all I'd be careful there. I swear sometimes they just do filler for the hell of it. I hate when Cowlip intrude on a decent episode. Enough of this moving along and hey where the hell does Rodney live, the YWCA? They need to go spend some time at his place.
Back to Ben and Mike with Hunter is leaving for the day. Ben tells hunter to bundle up and then says he sounds like Michael's mom. Mike gives Hunter a key�who didn't see this one coming a mile off. Really no reason to go back there.
At the Loft of Fucking, Justin has come over to visit the master and wants to know what the hell went on. Brian says he should have come but Justin was helping Daphne study. Brian tells Justin the news about dumpster boy. Justin, when he hears Debbie was there says he knows how much she wants to be a gay man but is it wise for Brian to encourage her. Hee, I really want Justin through a meat grinder. He looks like trash and has n mouth on him I'd love to hurl a crowbar at. He lost all his charm after his stint with the Rat King. Justin then goes on to open his trap he should keep shut by asking Brian if he's turning the loft into the next back room, how he plans to keep a cleaning lady. I mean first of all Justin is not going to have to pay for it so why in the hell is he concerned. He needs to be concerned about his own circumstances now his sugar daddy has lost his sugar.
Cutting the bullshit out of the next scene Ted is pleading his case to the Lesbians. Cunt Mel tells Ted it was a real good speech but they'll have to wait and see about forgiving him. Emmett is like what the fuck? Mel says saying your sorry and meaning it are two different things. Ted intervenes saying he understands and excuses himself to go to the restroom. Emmett takes charge from here. Lindsay says she feels sorry, Mel says she doesn't he's a fucking drug user. Ok, I know Beth and I discussed this earlier but who the fuck when and made Mel the end all be all on drug using seeing as how Brian spiked the punch at their brunch party last year. Brian the father of their son was probably under the influence of alcohol and drugs when he squirted into that cup. Lindsay has been seen taking hits off joints. All the guys save Ted do drugs; I mean where is she getting off being so sanctimonious? Emmett asks the lesbians if they could show some compassion seeing as how they are Ted's friends, but Emmett is blind to the truth as well. Mel tells Emmett to stop being a silly faggot and grow some balls and that's when Emmett rightly calls her a cunt. I'm a firm believer in calling them like see them and I'm seeing Emmett's point-of-view, and Mel's, but Mel is way over the line.
Next scene Ben and Mike come home thinking they can fuck their brains out and Hunter brought over some company. He brought a trick home. How sweet. Mike goes ballistic. Mike says they gave him a key not to turn tricks in their home. Hunter says he never said he couldn't. Hunter makes a valid point. Robert Gant needs to button up that shirt. That shit is cool in Florida not in the dead of winter in PA. Hunter leaves with mid dress.
On the Trick Boulevard, Hunter is saying his signature line about young dick. Really makes you proud don't it to know at least he's got a standard line to use. Guess who comes to pick up our little skank but Brian Kinney. Hunter was waiting for Brian to give him a buzz, hee. Off go the master and his prot�g�. In order to move this along, I'm detailing the next scene at the bar with Hunter and Brian after the next scene. Brian wants Hunter to point out the cop. Hunter does and is still trying to get all up in Brian's grille. Hunter says he'll pay Brian for the time and Brian says he's out of Hunter's price range. I'd advise him to rethink that statement in a couple of weeks; he may need the fifteen bucks. Hunter is all pissed Brian won't put out. Brian goes up to talk to the cop and let me tell you he has all the ability of Debbie 'fucking' Novotny. Cop tells Brian he asks to many questions. Cop is not an idiot.
Cut to the upscale store with Emmett and Vic buying groceries for their next party and Ted in the corner on his mobile phone no doubt talking to L' Stadt about the next night of crystallus. Yep, Ted is gone; he has gone to the dark side. Vic is a little pissed he couldn't get his oven, tells Emmett to keep an eye on Ted who they both keep stealing glances at.
Next scene after the bar is Horvath and Brian and Horvath tells Brian he must bring hard evidence. Then the street and Mike comes to give Hunter the third degree. Mike asks Hunter if he saw him and Hunter says that's why he was trying to go away. Mike wants hunter back and tells him he's got to keep his shit in order or else there is going to be a can of whoop-ass opened.
Temmett at home drinking wine. Boring let's move on to something more appetizing. Not the bedroom but let's get Ted's fall secured in one small step. Temmett are naked and about to do unmentionable things and then Ted whips out some coke and damn near forces Emmett to snort some along with him. Seems to get it up Ted needs some help. Frankly at my age I can still get�wait a minute that way too much information for you. I'll keep that tidbit to myself. Ted says the gift from P.S. I Love You is so good it made him fee good. He says it so emphatically we all know Ted has been a loser all his life. Ted is so wrapped up he doesn't even register Emmett's comment about him not needing it since he's got Emmett. How very sad indeed. People Ted is lost. Have we gotten the point yet? I can't take anymore hammers and anvils.
At the Hustler Bar, Brian must have promised his first three unemployment checks to Justin because seemingly Brian is going to pimp Justin out to the cop to get evidence.
Justin: Look at all these old guys
Brian: It's sad isn't it?
Justin: Yeah, some of them are even older than you. [Oh yeah you can tell Justin isn't too thrilled about this one.] Well, I guess at their age if they want it they got to pay for it.
Brian: Another reason to die young.
Justin: Or to accept the fact that youth and beauty are fleeting, that time will inevitably leave its mark and that we should accept our mortality with grace and dignity. [You know when you look like something you might pick up off the street don't be an ass.] Until then I could really clean up in this place. [Indeed you may but you'd need a good cleaning afterwards though. I really don't like him anymore.]
Brian: Well just sit there and wait.
Justin wants to know what Brian wants him to say and Brian dazzle him with witty repartee and ask if he wants to fuck his sweet tight hole. Justin winces and says Brian owes him like 100 blowjobs for this one. The Hunter comes up and tells Justin to fuck off. Justin looks like he's about ready to pounce on this kid for making such a bold move. Brian introduces Hunter as Ben and Mike's foundling. Hunter says if they wanted to hustle the cop they should have asked him, he's a professional. You know the kid's right�anyway�Brian sends Hunter home. Justin says, "Fucking teenagers, I don't know how anyone puts up with them." Brian looks at him like he just grew a second head and so do I. What in the hell is he talking about I wonder. He's still one according to my calculations.
At home Mike is waiting up for Hunter but Hunter isn't coming, he's picked up the cop to impress Brian. Cop is like you've never wanted me before and Hunter gives his prices. Cops asks about no condom and Hunter says he doesn't do that and off the two go. Lord, I hope Hunter knows what he's getting himself in for. I hope I do too. People I love this kid and will maim Cowlip if they kill him off. That as they say is that.
Next week on QAF Hunter lives�.yippee! Ted is dead and gone, people it's over for him. I've made funeral arrangements for the occasion. Brian informs the cop of his sin. Ted doesn't want to be Ted and Horvath needs more evidence than a condom full of ejaculate, eww. All this and more on the next QAF.