Y'all this week I learned quite a few things from this show. One people will find almost anyplace to screw, if you're not gay you won't ever get it, and HIV is a relapsing disease. I'll give this episode a B- for at least attempting something verging on decent.
Last week on QAF, Justin was playing night avenger until Brian caught him red handed. Ted got in over his head and slipped into the dark side. Hunter reemerged as a possible story arc of decent proportions; Michael was stalking all over the place scaring Melanie half to death. Thinking back I may have been a wee bit harsh last week, but you know what�when this show stops sucking raw sulfuric eggs I'll be a gentler kinder Max. Until then�. let's shake it dude.
We begin in a trailer park and I don't mean tornado trailer park but a like a truck stop where you unload and load up tractor-trailers. It's near the harbour so you know this place is looking worse than your average dark seedy alley. Look who is down here trolling and skanking around. Well if it isn't the BWinP and his slave boy. Seems they have come to get it on with others of their breed. They roam around till they come to the only trailer with steps leading up to it. Brian knocks a couple times and the door opens and he says he here for the Feldman Bar Mitzvah. For every ethnic slur I giving one back or actually going to pose a question. Like this, Who the fuck in the right mind goes out to some seedy ass wharf to go fuck in the back of some freezing cold trailer? Why do they have to go out to fuck, why can't they do the shit like everyone else at home or in the restroom of some swanky hotel?
Brian wants to get sucked. I want to stone him alive. This is no date. Can you see yourself on a date taking someone there and be like yeah baby we can fuck right here. I can see the eleven o'clock news now. "Black man bludgeoned to death by date for taking her to some seedy ass wharf for a night cap and asking for a blow job. Parents of male horrified when told of killing. 'He has such a lovely place, why did he want to go THERE to have oral sex?' His father commented later, 'If I knew he was that hard up I'd have lent him my car or let him have the house for the night or paid for a hotel room. That boy is a disappointment to the male sex and myself. He should have impaled his dick on rusty metal, got lock jaw and died the piece of shit.' Police say they would like to file charges but parents will not let them." Yeah I can see it now. Justin says Brian's dick is hard and Brian says it's frozen stiff. Justin ponders if his tongue will stick to it. Brian doesn't think so. Justin begins and Brian bangs his head and bare ass against the cold inner wall and Justin says, "This sucks." Brian counters, "And not in a life affirming way." The inside of some of those things are made of wood and you really don't want a splinter in your ass. Let me tell you that's like that first tetanus shot you got and you couldn't sit down for a couple hours later.
They go to the loft that Sunshine now Visits Regularly and hey orange is the new blue. Funny how they can't fuck in blue light anymore but with orange it's all systems go. The trailer was blue, the loft orange and boy let me tell you these two may someday feed the world its new energy efficient power source. Bunnies are envious of the amount of sex these boys have. You strap some nodes to them they could keep NYC and Atlanta lit up for three years.
They finish round six and Justin turns over and I swear with the new do he looks like a man "manned" by many. He's got this old used up look about him. He needs to cut that shit and stop living in the seventies. Brian says that the Stick has finally done it�he's made them stay home and fuck in their own beds. All I want to know is outside of the shower and lovely field on a spring day where else is there to fuck? I'm definitely not doing to do it on the NASCAR track in Indianapolis. So better the comfy bed where I have access to all things Max, than some used car lot down by the Ford Motor Plant. Brian says he's Dr. Spin, Justin says he could be Dr. Evil and Brian ponders this. You can take the homosexual out of Pittsburgh but you can't take the whore out of the man.
Let me go ahead and say this now. Hal, your character is the dullest and biggest Tool in the shed. People this is one dumb ass bastard. I mean I just want to ring his damn beady neck for being so damn clueless. Lord, grant me peace not to hurl the remote every time I see him on screen.
Passing through my dementia Ben and Mike enter the Diner circa 3-4 a.m. and my Lord does this woman never sleep? Debbie is there doing the graveyard shift. I guess Tina who used to be Lloyd or whateverthefuck is still suffering from the Pink Plate Special. The boys are looking for Hunter. Long story short, Debbie thinks it's a bad idea for Ben to be getting mixed up in this but she tells them where they might find Hunter. He like his fellow patrons gracing the Diner this time of the morning are working in the warehouse district.
Moving on to Mel and Lind's Little House of Horrors, Temmett must still be together but I thought they were splitsville after the scene in the gym but I guess not. Anywho Linds is serving up some waffles. Emmett wants tot know Lindsay's secret. She says a waffle iron and mix. Wow and here I was thinking these things were little more than Ego Waffles. I guess we learn new things all the time. Ok and let em saw that's the one thing I miss about the College's weekend brunch and the waffle maker. I'd pay another 25 thousand for that privilege alone. Mel asks how things are and Emmett says he's giving his notice at Torso so no more retail slumming for him. Ted still looks depressed. Actually Ted looks like I look when my GDQ is low. You know what I mean. Ted says he's been reading monoliths, "working on his theory of post neo-relativity, and he's discovered a new black hole between Pluto and Jupiter�pass the syrup." This man is all business today. He ain't for all these silly games and that's what this is about of course, silly games. The girls have put aside 5k for Gus's college fund. I'm already sure Brian had well endowed that fund already but nevertheless the girls want Teddy to run the fund. Wow even I saw the set-up coming from a lime away and I'm as clueless as poo sometimes. Emmett gushes and Ted eyes him with the ire of a thousand suns. The girls say they trust Ted. Ted agrees. Now looking at this table because I could careless about this scene there is something missing. All this food and no Gus crying or asking for anything. I wonder what they did with this poor kid? I can hear wailing from the background but no concern on the girls' faces so I am nonplussed. Sometimes you really hate you friends, you love them for trying but you'd rather they left you to wallow in self-pity sometime. Let's be honest here. There are times when you wish you didn't have friends and these are the times. These people will never leave you alone to be depressed for a bit. We all know Ted is one sorry ass apple but he's a decent apple nonetheless. My hat is off to you Ted Schmidt.
At Vanguard on a Saturday everyone is in casual as they are preparing the final days before election for Stick's campaign. Brian's idea is to keep Stick in the public eye and have with as many diverse groups as possible. Girl Flunky says it's not a bad idea and Brian says he rarely has bad ideas. Hmm, I could think of a few�let's see�how about throwing people off the proverbial cliff? I think that counts for like ten right there. Also let's not forget playing the role people expect of you instead of being yourself. Brian lists group events he wants Stick to attend and one I the GLC. Stick says he's not well received in that "neck of the woods." What the hell is this Louisiana? I don't think people above the Mason-Dixie Line say colloquiums like, "neck of the woods." Brian says they did endorse him, and it could be the votes he needs on election day. Guy Flunky says that would be funny if gays put Stick in office. You know I don't get offended by much these days but that single sentence just serves to prove what is wrong with America today. I'm not even going to bother explaining but just to let you know, from the Darkie to the Cracker, "EAT MY SHORTS! Brian did not look pleased at all by Flunky's remark and then he gets this shit eating grin and tells Stick to go kiss some hands and shake some babies.
Tyrone said he wanted to come out of the penalty box to do a spiel on this scene and one other and I agreed. Jefferson is coming back as well he's drinking some tea and having a scone as I type. I'm going to join him so here's T-dog.
What up peeps on this phat Sunday afternoon? I know maxi-pad said he'd have the recap done yesterday but well we went a riding and so things got mad crazy. Enough and let's get on with this scene. Temmett are walking down the street apparently having just left the "qwazy lesbians" and the imaginary baby. Yada�yada�Temmett run into what's his face from last week, he's the true sex pig of Pittsburgh. He introduces his escorts as Derek and Roman. Mark, that this dude's name squints when Ted introduces Emmett as his partner. Emmett asks if the boys are coming back from Babylon and Mark says, "They closed down the backroom, can you believe it? So we are going back to my place and fuck." You got that shit right on there dude. Take them motherfuckas back and fuck the shit out of them. I can't believe the bastards closed the back room. That sounds like something my boy 8-ball would say. Mark asks if Temmett want to come join in the fun. Hell yeah dawg, I'll be there. You know Ted wants to go get his freak on but he can't with Emmett right there. Mark gives us a devilish smile, he's a creature of the night and it's so early to be fucking as well but I guess you get it when you can. Emmett cackles on about some shit and says Mark was tweaked out. Emmett stops to window shop and Ted turns to look at Mark and Mark has his shades on looking all the more vampish and smiles again at Ted. Oh Ted is playing with a four alarm fire here and is going to be consumed by the flames I can just see it.
Well thank you T, I think we got the point. Why don't you go place nice in the street for a bit. Dear Lord that boy has no shame. Meanwhile at the GLC the gay community has come out and one guy who looks to be a pencil pusher says he supports Stick but the last time his townhouse was broken into it took the cops two hours to show up. Damn that's pitiful. Hell I could be half way to Las Vegas by the time the fuzz got there. Stick gives us some lame ass excuses about the current mayor and all that bull shit. Look people it's Sissy Boy and Plaid Girl. Justin stands up and says someone's name and it seems the gang have come out to obliterate Stick in front of the media and it works to a charm. Let me tell you the scene I paused on is one of Plaid Girl and Sissy Boy standing in front of the stage with Stick up on stage a chair behind him and the rainbow flag on the wall above. If he doesn't look like a cow sent to the slaughter I don't know what does. I'm giving this scene alone an A for being well acted and delivered. Look it's my girl Daphne.
The Flunkies come up to end this slaughter by the masses and I must say as far as political events go I think this is pulling so much more weight than Debbie and her "fucking" big mouth. I've always said if all else fails you can recall the 'Black Hand" and finish his ass off. Debbie brings up "Dumpster Boy" whom Stick can't readily recall his name but says he was profoundly affected by the boy's death. Someone so young to loose their life. You know all the political jargon in the world isn't going to save him form this one. Stick has effectively 'dicked' himself over. He's done for. Plaid Girl moves up on stage to wrap things up. Justin turn to look at Brian who is stone faced. Gawd I do so like him at times. Justin is still a little slave slut but his master isn't the biggest whore in Pittsburgh, just a whore now.
So we move to the darkness of night again and the Ben and Mike are looking for Hunter. Mike is droning on about cashmere sugar daddies and I'm like who cares, just find this boy. Well they do and drive off a potential customer so you know Hunter is not real pleased by that at all. Seems every time Hunter sees Ben it costs him money. Ben tells Hunter about his HIV status and Hunter is not concerned. He tells Ben and Mike most of the boys on the circuit have it and so what. Hunter tells the boys to "fuck off!" Hunter says you pay for time, you take your chances. You know I sort of agree with him on this. Picking up a hustler is like playing Russian roulette. Hell picking up prostitutes is the same thing. I don't understand this fascination with casual sex. It's dangerous and deadly. Hell the consequences are abysmal at best. Please don't do this. Well, I'm going to just quit my job and start building soapboxes for a living. I'm not joking if you are into this sort of thing; please think about the consequences for you and your family. This type of behavior is not safe and perpetuating such derogatory pursuits only undermines the value and substance of the human species. In a world where we are faced with ever increasing numbers of diseases and ailments that cannot be cured by modern medicine it is imperative that we lower our risk. I'm not saying you have to abstain from sex or drugs and alcohol, but for all that is holy please be careful and use protection and remember moderation is the key to all happiness.
We move to Temmett's where Emmett and oh look it's the bathrobe king, Vic, are talking about their latest coup. Yada...yada�Ted gets an invite form the sex pig about a "fuck party. People I've got to witness one of these in my lifetime. If I can be just a fly on the wall, a voyeur, I've got to see it to believe it. Ted is trying to come up with excuses to get out for the night with the boys so he won't brood on the fuck party. Vic says he can't, he and Rodney are going to play strip scrabble. Vic and Rodney our two pos guys playing strip anything is something I don't want to see in my lifetime.
At Woody's the gang is celebrating it's coup de gras and Deb finally realizes that Brian may have had a hand in Stick's demise. Wow I can't believe it took her that long to see it. Her son, however, would never realize it unless someone pointed it out to him and then Brian would have to admit to it as well. You know Tools; they don't possess higher cognitive abilities. Debbie asks Justin how he did it and Justin says he ahs his Deep Throat. You know I think that was a pun there, subtle but one none the less. I'm impressed Dunglips could write something like that. It takes three years for them to make one subtle comment. Only three damned years! Debbie finally realizes a Kinney is behind this and says as much to Brian who is at the pool table.
Mike shows up and of course the word fuck comes out of Debbie's mouth. She wanted him at the center and he was out looking for Hunter. How lovely, it rhymed. Droning on Debbie says it was a loving thing Mike did and I didn't see Mike doing all that much. I saw Ben dragging his ass all over town so if anyone deserves a pat on the back it's Ben. Mike can die. Mike then says something to the effect that no matter how bad Brian's parents were or his mom is overbearing, they never tried to give them away. He is a moron. Ok Brian's dad was pissed he was having another kid; Joan treats him like the anti-Christ. Mikes thinks being hated and beaten is preferable to living on the street. Oh he needs to sort out his priorities.
Back on the street Hunter is sitting on a curb and Ben brings him a warm down coat. Ben gives Hunter a tissue and I swear I know it's been in his pocket but the thing looks a bit used and Hunter points this out, "Did you already blow your nose in it?" Ben gives him the coat and a box of condoms. Hunter tells Ben to leave him the fuck alone and asks him why he cares and Ben says because he's positive too. You know that was a damn well acted scene and good drama. This story arc has promise as long as Mike stays three miles from it.
At the Den of Sex where our resident ear, nose, and throat guy resides, the fucking is under way and Ted, lord bless him, is puffing a bong. Oh he's gone to the dark side y'all. Mark says it's white party weekend in "P.S. I love you." Ted doesn't get it so our resident sex pig enlightens him with Palm Springs. There are people waling around his home in jock straps, which really is not a form of underwear at all, and any self-respecting gentleman knows this. Boxers, people are the way of the future. Men hear me briefs for sporty pursuits and boxers for everyday wear. For some reason I like to have my ass covered under my chinos. The mood is so tweaked out that even the picture is blurred. Mark is all about the desert white party and tells Ted all about the tens of thousands of hotties waiting to be taken. He says it's heaven. Mark says it's going to cost a couple of thousand.
At the home of Ben and Mike, Ben has brought Hunter back for some Miso soup. People, I didn't think you could actually make that stuff except from a mix you get at the international food section of the grocery store but I bet Ben makes his from scratch. Hunter looks at him like he's an alien and I would too. I'm hear looking for some dead animal or at least something mouth watering and all I get is some chicken noodle Japanese soup! What the fuck is wrong with this picture. We all know Ben can't have that body living on such broth so where is the side of beef? I want nice steak or filet or maybe a tuna steak. Jeez Louise. Hunter asks how long Ben has had HIV and wait now hear it comes� Ben says he tested positive "three years ago�." Ah, I remember when we first met him it was five years. He said it, I have the tape to prove it so what now, it's a lapsing disease? See Dan, this is what happens when you don't work from some basic character details and do crap off the cuff. You screw it up. So Ben has a touch of Alzheimer's as well. Boy I wonder who he was giving his cooties to in the two years he had it and didn't know about it? Hmm�wonder if Brian has it? Leaving this to bring down the grade of our episode as a blatant disregard for continuity, Ben goes on about social and personal ramifications and Hunter reminds Ben he's a kid. I know Hunter but you need to prepare yourself, it's going to be tough and rough and not so nice. I hope one day we do find a cure for HIV and if you think it's only been around since the 80's I think you are sorely mistaken. The virus has probably been around and in circulation for many years now we just didn't know about it. That's just my theory. Hunter says he doesn't want to talk about it. Ben tells him at some point he'll have to. Another powerful scene until Tool comes home and ruins my dramatic mood. Dumbass says, "I didn't know we had company." He calls Ben sweetheart and I want to smack him. You can't call a man like Ben sweetheart and not get the crap kicked out of you Novotny. What are you thinking? That's like calling the Incredible Hulk, 'snookums'. Mike looks pissed and then Mike goes off on him. Mike needs to go home, and I mean back to his mommy. He makes me sick. If Ben wants to get involved and help support this kid he can, because I'm sure he's making more than you and so he can do with his funds as he pleases after he completed his obligations to the home you two share. Since you're more like a child anyway I wouldn't worry too much about it.
Meanwhile at the Loft, Brian and Justin are preparing to get caught red handed and naked and here comes some gratuitous sex, and frankly I think it's about time for some of this. All the stars are lined up for a stellar night and let's get it on. Brian is a mastermind by the way; his star is falling but a mastermind nonetheless.
At Vanguard Stick and Vance have to talk personally and confidentially. Stick tells Vance Brian set him up and Vance doesn't see it but Stick says he remembered where he'd seen the blond trollop before and it was at Vanguard. Intermix this playing of the trump card with Brian and Justin sex is quite amusing and interesting seeing as how Vance is sticking up for Brian. I'm impressed. Vance doesn't dislike Brian but like the man said if Brian dicked over Stick Vance was going to dick Brian real hard. Stick not only wants Brian gone he wants his entire career obliterated and his name nullified in the advertising ring. Stick says he knows Brian was behind it because Brian is a fag. Wee Mr. Stick let me get your white hood and burning cross out now. Oh grand dragon of the white chameleon. Meanwhile Vance says it's going to be hard to rid himself of Brian since he said Brian was an integral part of his team. Stick tells Vance he wonders who idea that was? I think it was your idea there Stick to use Brian, you just got used in return. And let me say one could learn a few things from this sex scene. The boys finally look content while having a go. Nice to finally see some happiness, but what's that? A knock on the door? Brian like a fool goes to answer it with his briefs in front of him. Lord he should have taken the time to put them on or else not answered the door at all but look who is there, it's Stick and his eyes are so wide they are about to bug out his beady little eye sockets. Stick is greeted with a naked Justin and anti-Stick paraphernalia. Oh sweet mother of pearl and running the boys' afterglow at that, what an interloper. Stick is pissed and Brian is like, what haven't you ever seen two guys fucking before. I usually ask people, "You ain't never seen a Black man before?"
The next morning at Ben and Mike's, Hunter is up and Ben tells him he must have a proper breakfast, a protein shake. I hope it's not a Brian Kinney protein shake? I'm not sure of the nutritional value of those shakes. Hee. Hunter doesn't go to school, but I see him in one real soon. Ben's going to lay the law down. Mike says he and Ben are going to work so Mike says Hunter has to leave. Mike is an ass. Hunter is one too and Mike steps outside to ask Hunter if he's coming back. Hunter says he'll do both of them even for half price to show his gratitude. We need to deprogram this boy. Hunter says all he asked for was for Ben to say he was his uncle, not the rest. Oh another gripping scene even if Mike was in it but I think Hunter is more mature than Mike will ever be.
Let's move on to the climax of our episode and Brian and Vance talking shop and ramifications. Vance says he's still the big cheese and there are limits. Vance goes on tot ell of finding Brian with "his pants down." Plus the matter of Justin and the GLC and Brian fed up with this wants to know what Gardner wants. He says he wants to know why Brian would jeopardize his career and the agency. Brian says Gardner wouldn't understand because he's straight. Oh Brian is that the best you could muster in your darkest hour. I mean I scoff at Blacks when they tell people they wouldn't understand because they are not black. That is not a viable answer to the question at hand. You need to tell him that the lying sack of shit the agency was supporting was diametrically opposed to the belief system you have and thus you could no longer support the SOB. Plus you find him pretentious, sanctimonious, and an overbearing pea wit of a man not fir to pour pee out of a boot with instructions written on the heel, and that if Stick was any part of a man you would slap his jowls and force him to resent it. To this Vance says he just "fucked" himself out of a job.
To make a long story short, Emmett is worried because Ted didn't come home and then the girls come into the Diner and it seems Ted emptied Gus's college fund so you know he's in P.S. I Love You. You know some shit if going to hit the fan. Look, the girls found their baby. He lives. Emmett tries to cover for Ted but the girls aren't truly buying it. Oh yeah seems Emmett is going to have to cover 5k for Ted.
At the Loft Brian is rolling a joint and Deb comes over and joins him and is happy he came back to the light. Brian's pouf on his head makes him look like Schroeder. I miss the Peanuts. Debbie says she has never been so "fucking" proud, you know she was going to say it, of Brian. Even though his tactics were treacherous and deceitful. Debbie and Brian share a moment and I'm pleased because when she doesn't talk it makes for a powerful drama. Brian was escorted from the premises without even a ballpoint pen. The two enjoy the joint and talk of old times and how scared Deb was for Brian thinking he'd sold his soul. Debbie says each time Brian reaches the precipice he steps back. Brian has a sense of innate goodness. Then Debbie quotes Plato or Socrates. Debbie tells Brian to lay off the bad boy routine. People this is the stuff television is made of right here. I'm upgrading this episode to a B maybe but then the scene with Justin and Brian before Babylon pisses me off. Justin makes me want to wretch, "There is always unemployment." Little shit. Who's going to pay for your tuition punk?
At Babylon Emmett finds a tweaked out friend of Ted's and asks where Ted is. Mike is with him. Tweaked bunny says he's in Palm Springs at the white party. Seems Ted did run off with Gus' money. Mike can't believe it but Emmett does, wise that he is. Back and Ben and Mike's guess who comes home seconds before midnight. Yes, that's right it's Hunter. I'm beginning to like this kid. Brian comes to Babylon and brings a sledgehammer and reopens the back room. This si just like the NWO, "Let the Motherfucker burn bitch!" Thus the backroom is reopened to the delight of the masses. I am for some reason reminded of Moses and a line from Ferris Bueller's Day Off, "When Brian was in Egypt's Land...Let my people fuuuuuck." People blue is the new blue again as our boys come home and writhe in the blue. Some things never change.
Next time on QAF Hunter knows "Dumpster Boy" and might know who killed him. A whole lot of shit is going down and Ted makes a vampire's return. Oh he's grass all right. Emmett is going to kill him. Remember never give at risk friends access to liquid cash.