3-10 The Gestapo, Studio 54, and Stalking [or Breaking the Ten Commandments of Max]
So I finished all my Harry Potter books this week so that's one reason this is taking so long to finish. Nicco, I didn't mean I had gotten the latest one but the first four books. I think I may return them though as I want to get the UK version which will be in the proper UK vernacular. I swear do they think Americans are that stupid. Anyway I decided to give the boys a break this week and let them play outside while I do my thing. This week's episode gets a B/C+.
Last week on QAF, I wretched on myself it was so bad. This week wasn't much better and I'm still wanting reparations for my eyes bleeding so badly from 3-9. Ooh, and Ted became a throw down drunk. Let's shake it dude.
A note first. In this recap we will discuss the first Ten Maxims I have created and discuss how Cowlip have broken everyone of them to destroy my waning hope that they could actually write. Most of you know my style and brand of humor so let's roll.
We begin with our boys traveling down their favourite dark spots. Justin says that they can't survive on the backroom of Babylon alone. He says it'll be fun to fuck someplace different for a change. Now this leads to my first question: Where is it they haven't fucked? I hope they don't have the "no place twice rule" because I'm sure they used up every inch of gay PA by now. Why pray tell do they like to have an audience in order to perform lewd acts of unmentionable deprivation in public? I'm one of those kinds of people who like to keep all my kink and wink behind the doors of my home, thank you very much. I don't share my things with the public. They go to all three places: the Baths, the Gravel Pit, and Adonis, but no one's home. Seems Stick is closing the sacrilegious dens of sin. Ok, and here is what I really don't understand and I guess you can call me a prude but if anyone knows, I'd love you to share your thoughts. Why have these places at all? I mean if you want it there are plenty of places to get it. I don't think chain gangs and mosh pits of sex are something one should get involved with. The possibility of disease has to be tremendous. I don't understand the need or the fascination. Before anyone gets pissed off remember I'm a heterosexual guy whose idea of adventure is going ten miles above the speed limit on the expressway. I'm still learning here, so don't bring any crap my way. I'm sure Tyrone could school me in some things but never mind.
Outside Adonis Justin sees a sign that reads, "Come again," and he queries, "Where?" Well how about you and King Slut go home and ravage each other there since it's obvious Brian hasn't scheduled any late night appointments. I'd still kick his ass for pulling some shit like that. I don't care if I understand or not. Call me childish but I don't share my toys! Cops come and want some ID and so Justin uppity. You know I really don't like uppity in youngsters. Dangerous for them. Meanwhile after the fuzz leaves the boys find some secluded corner of hell and Brian gets his long awaited blowjob. It's really something that doesn't need to go on as long as it did, we GET the picture! Justin comes up quite satisfied with himself and spits on Stick's poster. I don't think that was a lugie he spit and I really don't think I want to dwell on this but eww! That was some nasty shit. To top off my gross-o-meter we get to see white stuff sliming it's way down the picture of Stick. [Maxim #8: In the course of one's life there are certain substances one should not ingest and/or regurgitate. If you ain't a vampire, you need to let it go.]
At the gym the next morning the boys are talking about the previous night. Ben, Michael, and Emmett tell Brian that Stick has closed half the street. Leaving Babylon open so I guess Sap is real happy. Brian says, "Gravel Pit was always a skank hole, the only thing I ever picked up there was a case of crabs. The Baths were always full of trolls, and the Adonis hadn't scraped the cum off the floor since the day they opened." Funny how he can diss all his usual hangouts where he was trolling and skanking up a storm. If I recall his son was a product of "crabs central." Seems King Slut is losing his minions. Emmett says the right to fuck where they want is something he thought would be near and dear to BWinP. Michael whines and frankly I could care less and then enter Ted whose credit has plummeted faster than Trent Lott. Now here's what I don't understand. I'm sure Ted was making loads of money from Jerk@Work, so where did all the ill-gotten gains go. The man is an accountant for the love of Pete. He's anal about money so where did it go? It couldn't have dried up that fast. He was out of work before and still jerking hard everyday. What a shabby device Cowlip. Ted says he's been working out there for nine years, they could at least show a little respect. Ted, get real. It's like some damn bank, going to loan you money when you're no longer in debt! Also, are Temmett still together because I'm sure if my significant other got thrown out of the gym we both workout at, I'm sure I wouldn't return to my workout when my S.O. gets the boot and then to make a comment, "Poor Teddy�" Wow!
We move to the ob/gyn office where Mel is having a check-up/ ultrasound after experiencing some pain. Doctor says everything is fine, but Mel needs to take it easy especially since she had endometriosis. Michael for some reason is there; I really don't know why having a conniption about all the multi-syllable words coming form both the doctor and Lindsay. [Maxim#5: To ensure you don't look stupid, if you don't understand keep your mouth shut until the end so you can have an aside and get the low-down.]
At the Diner Ben, Michael, and Brian are having lunch I do believe and again I ask how the hell do they make time for this? I mean I'm sure Carnegie-Mellon is far removed from Liberty Ave. and I'm sure Brian has other things to do during a day like working than actually driving across town for lunch. I don't know it takes planning for me to meet my friends who work across town for lunch. Usually we meet for dinner or a movie or something like that. Not lunch, and not everyday. Ben I'm sure has office hours, plus in a minute he says he has classes till three, or does this play to Cowlip's glaring disregard for some semblance of reality in Gay PA?
Meanwhile Ben gets a call and seems are wee skank has told the hospital that Ben is his uncle. So you know they are going to play the Uncle Ben Rice jokes till we bleed profusely from the eyes. There are comments about penis size and like I really care, it's probably true for Michael and the peanut because well when you are a pea-wit and a nut-ter�if the show fits, wear it.
Debbie asks who's worrying because that's her job. You know I would have believed her if she hadn't opened her big 'fucking' trap last week and destroyed the only 'fucking' relationship she's 'fucking' had since the 'fucking' Carter Administration. 'Fucking' big mouth broad! Meanwhile BWinP tells "The Biggest Fucking Mouth in Pittsburgh" That her son is concerned Melanie is working too hard and Michael "is worried about the life of his child." So the BFMinP decides to tell some whopping fairy tale about when she popped the antichrist into the world. "Sweetheart, let me tell you a story. Once upon a godforsaken time there was a beautiful princess. [I know she not referring to herself. First off two words don't ring true, beautiful and princess. Yet she also lets us know Michael is a child of the damned because she refers to it as a 'godforsaken' time.] She worked her ass off until the day she popped her kid and she went back to work three days later." Brian chimes in, "That Diana was an inspiration." See now I'm all for joking about the living but you don't make snide comments about people who died presumably while nibbling on something or so I've been told who did such good work. Shame on you Brian, shame! [Maxim#6: The wise-ass is best when he lauds and jeers in the same thought, making it appear as innocent as possible. Stupidity is no excuse for blatant disregard for discretion and the fine art of "the dozens".]
Debbie goes on to say she didn't have the luxury of not working. Michael counters with the fact Deb was seventeen, as if that makes much difference. Some seventeen year-olds shouldn't have children either. Michael says Mel is 30+ and has endometri�whateverthefuck it's called. Lord those five dollar words blow his mind don't they? Brian calls Mel a "qwazy lesbian" looking like Tweety Bird with his hair all over the place. My gawd can they not find some product to remedy that mess. That disheveled look only works after a night rest or some good ole-fashioned loving. Mike then asks Debbie to say something which depending on the circumstances could be dangerous but all she utters at the ring of the bell is, "Somebody better keep an eye on that girl." To this Mike says now he's really worried and needs a Valium. Ok so before he wasn't really worried and now that BFMinP has uttered her words of foreboding now Mike is shivering in his boots? Oh what a Tool he truly is.
So Ted's at home feeling miserable and throwing himself head first into depression. I swear when one is feeling low all you need to is look at Ted and know it could still be worse. Ted must still be using MSN because he's got enough porn offers there to fulfill even Brian Kinney's most wanton desires. Some sex party at the Paradise Motel is offered and Ted grumbles. Poor boy, then Emmett comes home and tells Ted all the reservations for their weekend getaway are ready. Ted does not want to be a charity case. Well Ted what did you expect Emmett would play that role forever? Ted, get over the breadwinner mentality and get on with the cooperation. Although as a man it does feel nice to bring home the bacon. For some reason I feel I'm fulfilling my manly duties, but then again, I'm not Ted so therefore when I get in a position like that I'll take my own advice. Until then, I am 'da man'.
Well seems Emmett has a party to plan and so he's not going to be able to go away this weekend, but he wants Ted to go and commune with nature and find himself. If you're over thirty and haven't found yourself you need to see a therapist, no go try and find yourself. Emmett is still sporting that weed-whacker hair do [Maxim#10: When your friends start referring to you as a woodland creature and start carrying hunting rifles and wearing orange vests around you it's time for a haircut and a shave.]. Ted's going to his little piece of Paradise.
Meanwhile at the local hospital skank is here and he's all cleaned up. How I do respect a person when they looked to have been de-loused. Ben comes in presumably after this classes and talks to skank. Now what they discuss isn't important as it has nothing to do with the million plots going on this episode except we learn that skank has a kidney infection and passed out on the sidewalk. Took someone an hour and a half for some decent human being to call an ambulance. Yu know that fact alone speaks volumes. Hunter, that his name asks Ben why he gave him his number. Hmm�I think Hunter is right when he says Ben was trying to be a do-gooder. Hunter he was easing his guilty conscience. Why doesn't Ben have his shirt buttoned all the way, is he some pimp daddy or something. My uncle does that and I make fun of him till he buttons his damn shirt. I am not saying he has to button the collar but all the others need to be done. Ben it's cold out, you are in precarious health and yet you'd think it was summer the way he's carrying on.
At Babylon they are playing that song from the video and Justin and Brian are not even two stepping to the music. Now I see some hands waving and bodies grooving to the music in the background but I'm wondering if these two don't dance because they know they really suck at it. [Maxim#25: If you really can't dance, then have a couple drinks and groove to the beat. Works for me.] Yeah I know I said I was only giving ten but it's my recap and I'll change it on the fly if I want to. Some beefy guy comes up to Brian and Justin and Brian looks interested in a threesome but Justin says he's got things to do. Brian says he's got something to do as well. Slave boy leaves and Nero takes a bump and beefy guys tells Brian he's under arrest and Brian says they should adjourn to the back room and play good cock, bad cock. Ok and here' more ignorance on my part. I don't know how the men folk top and bottom but beefy guy just doesn't look the part of damsel if you get my drift. He looks to be a 'violator'.
Outside the local grocery store Mel is on her way home with groceries and she's unnerved. I wonder if a rat is somewhere near by. She calls, who's there and no one says anything. She walks on but the hair on her head if rising and she drops the bags and yells she's got mace, if only she can find it. Mel shouldn't even need mace; she should just drop kick the slimy bastard and go on home. Wait�just wait, the rat slimy bastard turn out to be none other than Michael Novotny, currently serving five to ten for stalking. Michael makes a comment about the laundry detergent Mel busy and she knows he's been spying. When the hell are these girls going to learn to go to a sperm bank? Let's see, if Tool had frightened her anymore she may have lost the abomination known to man. Somehow Michael comes in the Happy it's Too Damn Late for This Shit House carrying the groceries. Lindsay is ready for bed and frankly how is Michael getting from one place to another? He doesn't have a car so how is he doing this? I wonder if he borrowed his mother's car? I guess so because hiking all over Pittsburgh in the middle of winter can't be fun. Then again this is the man who went running across town with a snow cone cup full of his seed.
Ok, now I can see Michael's point somewhat. What the fuck was Mel grocery shopping for at midnight. Oh Lindsay, you need to put a foot in her ass and ground her for the next six months.
Next morning on Liberty everyone is out looking at the signs. The night before, boy wonder was putting them up? Wonder where he was getting the material? Depicts Stick as Hitler. Ted's on his way to the country. Emmett is well dressed and coordinated. Emmett also gives Ted some money. I guess his checking account is gone, but he's still driving his car so what's up with this.
The hospital calls wanting to verify Ben's address and they tell him the amount of Hunter's stay. Mike wants to know. Ben tells him it's Hunter. Mike calls him Hunter the Hustler. The tab at the hospital is a couple of thousand. Now by all rights and purposes Ben must be making I'd wager anywhere from 35-45 thousand a year and really since he isn't paying all that much in rent and I'm sure his health insurance is covering the staggering cost of his medications where the hell is the rest going? It's surely not going to buy Michael an education so I think he can afford a couple thousand. Michael is outraged and I want to know what is so wrong with Ben helping out. Michael puts his foot down and says no and to add to it asks Ben "Did I make myself understood?" Oh me thinks the Tool is over stepping his bounds in the pecking order of this relationship. If I were Ben I'd break Michael off a piece and show him who's who in this relationship.
Ted's in the car driving and Emmett rings him to see what's shaking. Suffice it to say Ted is at an intersection and one way leads to communing with nature, the other to the Paradise Motel. You Ted being on the ten hottest sex pigs in Pittsburgh. Ted has just become interesting. He's doing the unexpected. I really shouldn't say that because I just watched 3-11 but you'll see when I get done. Ted is at Paradise and goes through the Ted machinations and then heads to get some ice and runs into the fun. Somebody please explain the use of a sling to me? That looked painful yet somehow a nice torture method, *sinister laugh*. Ooh they have the rooms to doors open and are fucking like bunnies and boy this is some sex party. Naked guy says he could use some coke, not from the can though. Asks Ted if he has any party favours. Ted says that is not his thing. Mark, naked man, he's an ear, nose, and throat guy invites Ted down to his room for some hot boy toy sex.
At the medical center, Hunter is watching Judge Judy rag on some people. He thinks it's funny. Ben does not. Yada�yada Hunter says maybe he should change his life around, go on some religious show and praise Jesus. Hee, I knew this kid was here for a reason. For once Cowlip have managed to do something right. This story arc is gaining in esteem in my book. Ben tells Hunter his is not going to play the part of sucker any longer and goes to tell a social worker the truth but the Doctor on call has to tell Ben something first.
Mel is leaving the office and she is on the cell phone with Lindsay telling her she's on her way. She drops some files and has some pains. Michael is shadowing as usual. Melanie says it's indigestion. Melanie is having some serious cramping going on. Not good.
At Vanguard Justin is guess what using company material to do his Anti-Stick campaign and guess who walks in on him, but none other than the man himself, yes folks Brian Kinney since the backrooms have closed is working into the wee hours of the night. Justin says he's working on his project for school.
Brian: Taylor�what are you still doing here. Let me guess, the mad avenger was too cheap to do his copies at Kinko's so you offered to do it for him?
Justin: I told you it was just an art project for school. [Yeah this late at night whatever. Justin it's called the art of plausible deniability, look into it.] [Maxim#2: The truth is nothing more than plausible deniability.]
Brian: Hmm�[picking up a sample and coughing] I'm sure you'll get an A+ even if it is a bit crude and heavy handed.
Let's cut the dialogue and get to it shall we. Justin got caught and Brian tells him in no uncertain terms to give it up. Justin is like why; I'm doing something I believe in. Brian tells him to fuck what he believes in. Justin goes on to quote Brian about being the best homosexual he can be. Justin prods on and tells about the home team and Brian says he doesn't know shit about what he thinks. Brian could give a rat's ass less about Stick, Justin is fucking with business and that has to stop. End of conversation.
Emmett reminds me of my mother and father when I was in school and went places and neglected to call them and tell them I was fine because I was off having fun. They call like every five seconds. It was especially useful when I did need something but most times annoying. Like my birthday fell on a Saturday my freshman year, they come calling my room at six in the morning. Lord bless them and I love they remembered and love me enough to call but damn at six in the morning? Let's just say my roommate was not happy, but they'd kill for me and I love them so you know it's alright. I'm going to give a shout out to mom and dad and all the other parents out there in constant vigilance about their kid's welfare and calling on birthdays at six in the morning. God love you all. Ted stumbles into the party and this one guys is eating this other guy and sucking and fucking all over the place. Ted has fallen from grace. He hasn't committed any depraved act but he's looking and temptation is too much and he sniffs and he's in. Oh, Ted is eight sheets to the wind and is getting well treated by the angelic faces and bodies. He has become Brian Kinney.
At the hospital Mel and Lindsay and Michael are all looking in on Mel's state of being. Seems everything is fine, she just had some cramps. Doctor asks if Mike is the daddy and he says yes and then there is some confusion and Lindsay tells doctor they are all the parents. Doctor says, "Oh." Boy I wonder what she really thought. Lord here is a moron, a hot chick and some blonde with bad hair and they all are going to parent this poor kid. I guess Hillary was right; it takes a village to raise a child. I didn't know she meant a village idiot as well, but I guess for a well-rounded kid we need all sides. Down stairs Mike runs into Ben who is sitting staring off into space. Mike goes off about Hunter and I'm getting tired of his ass. He's about to have a kid for Pete's sake, can't he show some damn compassion> Ben tells him Hunter is positive and that ends Mike's bitching. Now Ben is going to tell Hunter the bad news and guess what�. [Gotcha!]
Ted comes home from his drug fest weekend sexed out and crazed and he looks like shit. Ted scares the shot out of Emmett and Ted has the munchies. Emmett says Ted looks exhausted. You would be too if you spent the night fucking and getting sucked and tweaked on some shit.
At the home of Ben and Mike, they are discussing telling Hunter the news. Ben is worried about the kid and Mike wants to put him back in the system. I guess as long as the kid has parents footing the bill it's alright but if he's poor, he's got to go! Ben is a humanitarian.
Stick is happy, he did what Brian said and made good. And to top it off the GLC is coming out for Stick. Plaid Girl sent the letter of acknowledgment and support. Brian does not look pleased.
At the Happy Fun House the girls are just coming home and everything is fine. Why they left Debbie with Gus I'll never understand. Gus looks like a drug baby. I'm not joking here either. He looks like Ted. He's not talking, and he's old enough. I wonder if this kid has been around all the fumes and smoke around this place and they've altered him? Lord help Cowlip I can see the lawsuits now: QAF corrupts child actor. Baby marked for life. Mel is going to do the right thing and let the world run itself and she's going to gestate a baby. Let's hope this child gets its tits or balls from its mother.
Back at the hospital, Hunter took off in the night. This is not good. At Babylon later that evening Brian is out trolling and heading for the back room and look�oh my it's closed. Brian is not happy and this is the straw that broke the Camel's back. He finds Justin and snogs him and helps him out. Now I get the feeling that sex was Brian's motivation but I hope not, he's a dog and the worse kind but I hope he's got some inherent good qualities left. If not he should be tarred and feathered.
Tonight on QAF it was real good so the recap should be out Tuesday, hee. Sorry about the long wait, X-Men, Matrix, shopping, Harry Potter, Star Trek: Nemesis, summer travels, it's rough when life gets going full steam. Enjoy your three-day weekend and remember the men and women who gave their lives so that you could enjoy a day off. We'll continue the Maxims next week.