Well this week I learned that crossovers with Six Feet Under could be pulled off on this show. Just because you�re gay doesn�t mean you�re happy. Sticking your nose into other people�s business can be scarring. I could go on infinitum with my bitterness quotient. Ardra, you owe me another chapter for this one and soon. Gaedhal, same goes for you. I�m going to need something to wash away this nasty taste in my mouth. I promise you this show can and will leave a sour taste on the palette. Nicco, there was a for rent sign outside your psyche, I�m moving in! I like to call this episode Vice & Versa. It still gets a C- for lack of cohesion.
Last time on QAF, Michael can�t whack off to the July issue of Hustler, but he can run across town carrying a paper cup seemingly, and I use that word emphatically, overflowing with the seed of life. Melanie needed a moment before getting squirted. Ethan lost the Heifitz, �there is nothing noble about being poor�, and a Brian and Justin scene worthy of praise. This week, well�are you ready? Let�s shake it dude.
We open at the once and future home of Michael and Emmett, and there is a book lying there entitled, The Pornographer�s Dream. I wonder who could be reading such a tale? Definitely not Michael since I doubt he reads anything multi- syllabic in nature. He awakens and for a split second I think it�s Ethan. I know, scary but true nonetheless. Michael tiptoes to spy on Ben. C�mon we know there isn�t any other reason for him to be tiptoeing through his home. You tiptoe if you�re doing some B&E or have a baby. Since neither of those conditions is true we know what Michael is doing. He�s spying instead of coming out and asking Ben what the hell�s going on. He�s a big ole limp dick if you ask me. Michael voice-overs to the next scene, �There I am stark naked, freezing my tail off, spying on Ben.� How adult of you Idiot Extraordinaire! Michael and Brian are walking to Babylon and Michael says Ben was injecting himself. Brian calls Ben a juice pig and says it makes him hard, he then grabs Michael�s hand and wants him to feel. You know sometimes, Brian can be an ass, a royal pain-in-the-ass! Michael says he�s seen Ben do this twice, and he thinks it�s steroids. Well golly gee shit there Sherlock, no fucking way! What in the hell did you think was in that syringe, some botox to fill out his ass? He�s an idiot people; please we need him extinguished, he�s wasting valuable air for the rest of us living! Brian then says, because Cowlip have to ensure we get slammed with a hammer out of the starting gate, while smoking a joint, �For the life of me, I�ll never understand why so many gay men want to fuck their bodies up with drugs.� You know kids who watch Barney aren�t subjected to this kind of belittlement. I don�t know what the hell is wrong with Cowlip, but obviously they kept all the writers from season two because this sucks ass again!
Michael and Brian run into Temmett who are waiting outside. Seems the cops are clamping down on everything. Emmett says his tits are freezing, and Brian gives him a nipple twister. See I told you he�s a sadist. Brian�s got a guest pass and he takes Michael inside before his dick freezes off but leaves Temmett standing on the curb. Ok I�m bored now so let�s move to a scene that almost made me happy
At the Cesspool of Justin and Ethan, the boys are taking a bath! Yes, people after waiting these many months we now know that an Ethan does take a bath once every year. Ethan asks, �Want me to wash your back?� Justin replies, �Any excuse to keep your hands on me.� Hey as long as they are clean he can put them anywhere. Ethan says, that cleanliness is next to horny-ness.� Uh huh, like he�s living proof of that! Justin says after they finish he�s got a game, hide the soap. Eww, I don�t think I�d like that game at all, because if you can�t get it out, you�re in trouble. Why does Justin look like Stuart Smiley�s illegitimate son when he does that weird smirk? The phone rings and it�s Glen.
First off, who has a telephone in the bathroom? I don�t. I figure if I�m in the shower and having a wash you need to leave a message and I�ll get back to you. I�m not coming out of the bathroom to answer the phone. Nor do I converse on the phone while on the toilet, that�s just not kosher. Glen tells Ethan he�s got a gig with the Harrisonburg Symphony. Seems some Hungarian had triple-by-pass surgery so Glen suggested Ethan. Ethan is all happy although he almost electrocutes them both by dropping the phone in the tub. Justin says he wishes he could be there; he�s becoming a broken record already. I wish he�d shut the hell up since he�s not contributing to my knowledge to the cost of living he needs to get with the program and stop whining. Oh lord, please don�t make Justin into a pod Michael. I can�t take all that damned whining. Justin continues whining and then Ethan springs some rings he got out of a gumball machine. He says the guy at the store said they were one of a kind, but who is he kidding? Ethan says it�s a way for them to be together when they are apart. So basically they don�t mean anything because he could have given them matching rubber duckies with the other�s name on them just as easily. Is it me, or is this episode just getting more and more boring as time goes on?
From there, and I can�t tell you what time frame we are in, but I imagine it�s the next day because we are at Vanguard watching a political spot with Jim Stockwell as dramatis persona. Ok, this is boring too. I really wish they could find whoever wrote the first three episodes and bring them back; at least they could keep me entertained. Yada�yada�blah�blah�blah, vote for Mr. Magoo, and that�s what he reminds me of with that gargantuan pug nose of his. Stockwell looks likes he�s dead emotionally and looks a wee bit queer. Either this actor is trying too hard or else he really is a walking corpse when he�s in uniform. He, nevertheless, reminds me of Mr. Magoo with that uniform on. You know politicians use the same format for their ad campaigns; they say the exact same boring crap. Brian�s right, if I want to sleep I�ll watch this ad.
Stockwell�s goonies are all pleased with this ad and Brian is rubbing his brow. Mr. Magoo asks, �Well what did you think?� Brian says if he wants to sleep at night, he�ll take a Xanax, or watch that, referring to the ad. The flunkies looked pissed because that ad was put together by one of the best agencies in the state. Guy flunky goes on to give us some stats, yawn, and wow this is so interesting. My dentist is right; I should floss more. Maybe I�ll just cease with these recaps and floss during QAF. Brian says this crap is boring, my thoughts exactly. Guy flunky finishes his spiel and Brian asks was the ad geared for insomniacs? Stickwell [yep, I spelled that right] is not pleased with Brian�s approach and seethes, �our loyal supporters.� Well shit for brains even I know you really aren�t trying to cater to the loyal supporters, you have their vote already. It�s the undecided goombas out there you need to be pulling into your web of evil. Stickwell is so pissed by Brian he�s out of there.
They are walking to the elevator and Brian asks Stick about his hobbies. Stick says he works out religiously, plays a little b-ball, and builds model planes. He had me on his side until he said model planes. That�s a little odd for a grown man to admit to. I can see replicating battlefields and playing war games, that�s my cup of tea. Sid Meier, I love you, plus the good people at Command & Conquer. Stick says Brian�s ideas are a radical departure form the campaign they are running. Guy flunky says, �Too radical.� Brian leaves Stick with the possibility of loosing the campaign to ponder.
At the Diner Temmett are talking to Susie and Skank about the new house. Ted says he gave Emmett free reign to do whatever he wants. Mel and Linds think they should tone it down since they aren�t living in they gay ghetto. Is there a gay suburb they can live in? C�mon get real! So Emmett wants to make the house as flamboyant as he is, what�s wrong with that? You should see Trading Spaces; I still can�t believe people let Hilde in their home! You talk about a home wrecker. She�s dangerous! Linds says Emmett should think the Happy Not So Fun House. Emmett then yells, �I can�t believe I�m getting decorating tips from LESBIANS.� Well, Emmett if they have better taste than you, and they just might, I�d let them win this argument. Emmett is starting to wear off on Ted because his hair is looking jacked up as well.
After the lesbians depart, Debbie joins the group informing Ted that the Stick is after all porno web sites. She�s all Mata Hari as well, but Ted says he is running a clean business. He has nothing to worry about. So you know he�s going to jail because he�s all sure everything is ok. Just then Brian enters and Debbie calls him Benedict Arnold Kinney. Brian says Debbie should learn to separate personal feelings from business. You know what Kinney, you should have thought the same thing when you fucked Kip and Justin had to whore himself out. This is the Kinney Mantra right here folks and look where it�s gotten Brian thus far, ALONE! That�s the second hypocritical statement from him this episode and it�ll only get worse. Brian says he wants some split pea soup and Debbie tells Justin to get it and piss in it. Brian sees that Justin is wearing a ring and inquires. Justin says he got it from Ethan. Brian smirks, �How romantic.� Justin counters, �Fuck all you�d know about romance.� Brian tells Justin to keep the change. I think it�s either a twenty or a ten but Justin says it�s too much. Brian says Justin can buy Ethan some flowers and he smiles facetiously and exits. Justin rolls his eyes. You know Brian could just walk in front of a bus for all I care.
At the Once and Future Home of Mike and Emmett, Michael is on the computer downloading some information. Ben is walking around shirtless for all the ladies and he comes up behind Michael and asks him if he�s having an internet affair. Michael says he�s doing research for Ben. Instead of having a discussion with Ben, Michael hands Ben some print outs on steroids. Michael says he knows. Ben�s eyes squint letting me know that Michael better tread lightly. Ben asks if Michael has been spying on him. Michael says they live together; he was bound to discover it. Wow it only took you a couple of weeks to work up the balls to do this. Michael lists the risks, and Ben says he knows them, he did his own research, but he�s not going to waste away. Michael says he�s not wasting away. Ben says, �Not yet.� Michael says they should have talked it over. Yeah, but it�s Ben�s body, but I see your point Tool. You know, I like Ben and all but he�s in to some un-Zen shit and that has me worried. I think someone should have gone to Tibet. Ben says he�s just trying a cycle and the advantages are outweighing the disadvantages. Ben beings to pose and have Michael feel his muscles. Then Ben has Michael feel his dangly bits and Michael smiles that mush mouth smile, � Ahh�don�t tell me it works on that too?�
Next scene is Brian shooting his ad commercial for the Stick, and the Stick is playing some b-ball with his son�s team. Now I have to stop and give a description of the director because he�s a person that can�t go without description. He is of Asiatic origins and is wearing a cowboy hat. Y�all he�s too cool for words. I bet he can party with the best of them. Stick finishes his spiel and the director yells cut and Brian tells the camera guy to keep rolling to get a shot of Stick�s mid-section. Brian tells Stick if he didn�t know any better he�d swear Stick was Tom Cruise. You know I don�t know what Brian is up to but he�s walking a fine line.
Moving on to Teddy�s House of Porn. Ted is giving the guys the once over and asking questions to ensure compliance with all city regulations. Ted is like a drill sergeants and his men answer him in the military style, �Yes sir.� One of them I think has a cock ring on but I�m not sure about that. You know I�m way old fashioned when it comes to the lovey dovey. I admit, it�s true, kink does not excite me, of course depending on the kink, ok TMI! Ted asks his assistant if everything is up to code and Eddie, the assistant, says yes. Ted says bring it on. Ted�s going to jail! Frankly I haven�t seen so many limp dicks in one place since the incident with Loraina Bobbit.
At the cesspool of Ethan and Justin, Ethan is giving his first interview. The lady is sitting with Ethan in the cesspool and asking him all these questions about playing in his first concert. She says it�s rare for someone so young to have so much success. She also mentions that up until recently Ethan was playing street corners. Ethan says he had to pay the rent. Hmm�I guess if you say so. How much is the rent and utilities by the way? More than he was making on street corners I can assure you. Justin comes home with Daphne and Ethan introduces them as Justin, his cousin, and Justin�s girlfriend Daphne. Ethan says they come over to use the apartment sometimes when he�s not there. Wow he�s really thought of some real lousy lies. I don�t believe for a second that Justin and Ethan are related in any way. Nor do I believe that I would use my cousin�s place for sex with my girlfriend. Why not use�I don�t know�MY OWN PLACE! I mean c�mon Ethan, why not just say they are your friends come to go to dinner. Why start elaborate subterfuge when you can�t even bathe properly? Ethan says they should come back another time. Lord he�s such a fool; even I know how to mislead properly. Damn, Soul Tool Patch has struck again, hypocrisy anyone?
The reporter goes on to ask Ethan if he has a girlfriend. He says he�d rather not discuss it. She says it means he has one. He does, he just walked out dickless with his best friend. In reality what sad specimen would date that? Now look if I came home and someone told me I couldn�t be Black for a couple of hours, I�d ask them to get the hell out. I wouldn�t act ghetto but I�d be damned if I�m going to be something I�m not so you can keep some pretense up in my home. Of course if Justin were contributing to the household expenses, I�d tell Ethan to take his ring and shove it. If he�s not, I guess he has to deal with the consequences. Daphne to say the least is not happy.
Outside cesspool central, Daphne is giving it to Justin full force.
Daphne: Girlfriend�what the fuck was that?
Justin: His agent doesn�t want anyone to know he�s gay. He thinks it could hurt his career.
Daphne: Who gives a shit who a violinist is fucking? [Daphne, I�m thinking the same thing]
Justin: Don�t ask me. I agreed to go along with it.
Daphne: You know Brian might not have been everything you wanted in a boyfriend, but at least he never asked you to lie. [Sing it sister! Tell Stuart Smiley Jr. the cold hard truth]
Justin: He didn�t have his entire future career at stake. [Yes, he did Just Slumming. You, however, played the part of a whiny little shit, got pissed and took off. Justin you have been compromised. Please step back over the liminis, thank you.]
Daphne: So you�re going to be his cousin. You don�t believe anyone is going to be dumb enough to believe that? [Daph, I think Just Slumming does, because if the reporter was clueless, you can imagine everyone else will be too.]�Justin you almost died coming out, how can you go back in for anyone? [Praise Jesus this girl is all over him like white on rice. I love me some Daphne. If Justin doesn�t want to date her I will.]
Justin: [after a few more reality checks from Daphne] I said I didn�t want to talk about it so could you mind your own fucking business? [Oh yeah, I�d be careful Justin. You know Daphne could take you in a fight.]
At the almost home of Temmett, Temmett are discussing interior decorating. Emmett is still miffed the lesbians tried to give him tips. Ted tells him to take it easy. Emmett wants purple, some sky blue looking fabric that actually doesn�t look all that bad, and some other stuff. Temmett kiss and Jennifer comes in to tell them the home inspection goes well. Just then the next door neighbor knocks on the door. She�s got one of those annoying high-pitched screechy voices like she was sucking helium all throughout high school, and it never wore off!
Psycho neighbor�s name is Sunny Reed. Oh yeah, she�s one of them alright. Anytime you use a nickname instead of greeting people with you proper forename and then go into some diatribe about why, you know you�re in trouble. Her real name is Susan but ever since she was little, people have called her sunny because she always had a smile on her face. I know they were wishing for a total eclipse, or a super nova. Jennifer says she�s Jennifer, and ever since she was little people have called her Jennifer. The look Jennifer gives Ted is priceless, like sweet mother of pearl, sell this damn house and get the fuck out. Ms. Whiny Pants is part of the welcome wagon and she�s brought a cake and thinks Jennifer is the new owner. When Sunny, Whiny Voice Extraordinaire, finds out who actually owns the house she�s taken aback but recovers. Her actual response is, �Isn�t that interesting.� She looks to Jennifer for confirmation and then proceeds to tell Temmett they have to come to cocktail hour next door on Friday to meet all the neighbors. Then Ms. Whine goes on to tell about the previous owners and how they decorated and had great taste. Me thinks Emmett, is not so keen on gay ghetto anymore.
At the Gay Ghetto Home of Deb and Vic, Deb is telling Ben, Mike, and Vic about the curb appeal of Temmett�s new home. Vic says, �Although why those two would want to live around a bunch of breeders is beyond me.� You know, I know this may sound wrong but I wish Vic would ash up and die. I can�t believe he said something so heinous. See, this is exactly the type of thing we would say when one is jealous. Yes, Vic is jealous that Ted and Emmett are out living the life he can�t because he played with fire and is slowly burning alive. You know Vic; you could just go get a life and a clue and stop wasting away in Deb�s basement. Ben says that some people are moving up in the world. Vic says he�ll stick with Liberty Avenue. See how a small mind can destroy a happy moment. Vic really needs to get over himself and move the fuck on already! I�m so sick of this self-pity it makes me want to hurl. Why Vic of all people to say something like this? I really liked Vic too until he started adding commentary to his sage advice.
While in medias conversation Deb yells shit and says that she dropped her �good ring� behind the refrigerator. Michael says, �Your good ring?� Hee, even Michael is skeptical. Deb says she got it off television. Seems this ring came form the Joan Rivers Collection. Deb says she likes big loud foul-mouthed women. Debbie goes to move the refrigerator and Michael and Wasting Vic try to help but are unsuccessful. Mighty Joe Benji steps in and hauls the thing out of it�s alcove and reaches in and gets Debbie�s ring placing it on her finger with a kiss. He then maneuvers the thing back into place with a little assist from Michael and a one hand nothing from Wasting Vic. Debbie calls Ben her hero and a real man. Ben�s off to wash his hands and Debbie asks if he�s gotten bigger since the last time she say him. I�m wondering when that would have been, like yesterday, earlier at lunch today? I mean when does she not see him? Michael says he�s been going to the gym a lot lately, protein shakes, low carb diet, and stuff like that. Wasting Vic asks, if stuff like that includes steroids.
Debbie: [a look of shock on her face like she just saw dildos on her table] Is that what he�s doing?
Michael: He says it prevents wasting. [Something which Vic should know about.]
Vic: Wasting, he�s built like a brick shit house. [I�ve heard the term before but really, would you want people to refer to you as some shit house? I didn�t think so.]
Debbie: The stuff is poison. For one thing it makes you meaner than cat piss. [Y�all I don�t know about you but �meaner than cat piss�, I�m running with that all week long. That�s the funniest thing I�ve heard all week, that and the fact someone was giving a presentation to our office today and could not pronounce legislation to save her life! Now let me get back to this poison stuff oh hypocritical lady. I guess the stuff your son and his friends snort, smoke, and sniff isn�t poison? C�mon Debbie get your head out of your ass and start trying to at least develop of valid point before making all kinds of bogus lame ass remarks! Sheesh, �the stuff is poison�, well so is that wig you wear and the food you serve but you don�t see people complaining. They just die.]
Michael: Mother it�s none of your concern. If that�s what Ben needs to do to stay alive and healthy, that�s all that matters. [You know Ben heard that whole conversation because Debbie is as quiet as Sunny is not annoying. I bet Ben and Mike have some seismographic steroid induced sex when they get home. He�s going to fuck the whine out of Mike for standing up to Buttinsky Prime!]
Next scene is the ad for the Stick. He�s saying his spiel and wiping his brow showing his abs because everything with Brian is sex. I wonder what he�d do with an ad campaign for Tickle Me Elmo. I�d hate to explain why Elmo was inappropriately touching children to a Congressional Oversight Committee. I bet Elmo would garner a whole new legion of fans. Team flunky is not impressed by this ad. Girl flunky says it�s like some music video, not a political campaign ad. She continues that it�s obscene and portrays him as some �sex object.� Stick says do it. Gardner and Brian are pimping this out to females 18-34. Stick says, �If you make me look like a joke, I�ll have your fucking balls.� Now it�s interesting what Gardner counters with seeing as how he�s the one who mentioned the demographic they were trying to reach, �If he turns you into one, I�ll fucking give them to you.� Oh Gardner�s got plans already. It�s going to get interesting me thinks. Everyone wryly smiles and that�s that.
At the condo of Ted, Ted comes home looking for Emmett who is in the bathroom. Ted went out and purchased the new Traviata, and let me ask this being the man I am. I didn�t think it changed all that much since the guy who wrote it is probably dead, so why did Ted by the new one? I�ll buy a new pc when mine peters out but the new one will be faster, bigger, and stronger, it�ll be the bionic computer. By the way I love the new AOL commercial, it�s a riot. Emmett comes out looking like David Fisher and for a second I thought I was watching a crossover episode of QAF and SFU. Y�all I�m just happy that Emmett did something with his hair. Lord he tamed the wildness. Emmett has also toned down his color scheme. Ted asks what happened to �Fuck em all Honeycutt.� Emmett then replies with another one if his down on the farm, less than trailer park trash stories of yester year. All I keep being reminded of is Allyson Hannigan in American Pie saying, �This one time at band camp�� I wish Emmett would leave Hazlehurst in bum-fuck Mississippi. Emmett wants to move up in society. He�s ready for the big leagues, just like the Jeffersons. Ok I�m bored so moving on.
We go to the gym and Ben is buying steroids from the guy from a couple of weeks ago, like Brian does from Anita.
Ben: I didn�t see you.
Brian: I guess not.
Ben: You don�t�ahhh�usually work out this time of day do you?
Brian: Not usually. [Dude he�s spying on you.]
Ben: Look, it�s not what you think.
Brian: I think it�s exactly what I think. Michael told me he was going to talk to you.
Ben: Huh�well he did. He understands�[No Cro-Magnon man he thought you�d rip him three new ones!]
Brian: Well that�s Michael�always understanding.
Ben: Why don�t you mind you own business? [Please does anyone do that? Hell no!]
Brian: If it was just you I would, but as my dear old dad was fond of saying, you�re 3 times 7. It�s not just you. You�re taking him down with you. [Kinney, you and Michael have this codependency thing down to an art form. Don�t give me that crap.]
Ben: [slamming Brian into a locker] I DO NOT NEED TO BE LECTURED BY THE BIGGEST WHORE IN PITTSBURGH! You are fucking lucky you�re not positive. [Truer words never spoken.]
Brian is in pain but he sweats on. I bet he almost pissed his pants too!
Back at cesspool central the boys are talking. Justin is still pouting and Ethan is trying to lighten the mood. Justin says Daphne was pretty pissed. What he meant to say was that he was pissed. Justin then asks, �Is this how it�s going to be from now on? Lying, playing games�?� You know I don�t know why Cowlip need to beat us over the head and tell us Just Slumming and Rat King are going splitsville. These two look like used up porn stars from the 70�s. Ethan thinks this is going to be his ticket to the big time. He�s already dreaming of mansions. Ethan ponders out loud how is he going to play without his muse. Justin says Ethan used to say he was a distraction. Ethan tells Justin he was always playing for him. Oh yawn! Justin sees the writing on the wall. Boy, you better pack your shit up now and get ready to go home to mommy. Ethan slimes his way down to Justin�s dangly bits and Justin thinks twice before running his hands through the grease trap.
At the Loft of Despair, Michael has come to collect Brian who is nursing a nasty bruise from his encounter with Ben. Mike asks once he sees the mark if one of Brian�s sex partners got carried away. Brian says it was a sex partner of Michael�s. Brian tells Michael why and Michael asks, �Why did you say anything at all?� Oh please Tooly Mac Tool, need you even ask the question? Brian says because it�s undignified for a college professor and not so selling best author to be making drug deals. So I guess it�s ok for the �biggest whore in town� to do so though? Michael says he�s sorry. Brian says he�s scarred for life. Mike says Ben is aware of the side effects. Brian counters, �Like practically murdering his lover�s best friend.� Hey all�s fair in love and war Kinney, but did Ben almost murder Brian? I didn�t think so because he�s not in hospital. Drama Queen antics are just all over the place in this show. I wonder if Brian stubbed his toe would he think he needed surgery? He can be such a wuss at times it�s sickening. Brian says if Mike is ok sleeping with his eyes open and a ratchet under his pillow he doesn�t care; just keep �him� the fuck away.
Ok, next scene is Ethan leaving. Ethan calls Justin Mrs. Minniever. I recognize the name, be damned if I could tell you about it. The kids across the street laugh and point as Ethan and Justin kiss at the cab. Justin watches Ethan leave. Y�all I could care less.
At the posh pub, Stick, Brian, Gardner, and Girl Flunky meet up with Guy Flunky and Stick has gone up eight points in the poll. Stick says he had every confidence in Brian. Brian says no you didn�t but took a chance anyway. Stick is shocked Brian is still using the truth like an �assault weapon.�
Moving right along to Temmett approaching the hour of damnation and good thing it�s Easter this Sunday because Ted�s going to be a sacrificial lamb. Cowlip are so poignant it makes me all weepy. Like getting my boss�s heel shoved up my ass would too! Emmett says he senses tonight is going to end in disaster. I can almost assure you it will since Cowlip don�t think we haven�t already seen Ted�s hubris. Ted says this is what Pride is all about. Trust me Ted having cocktails with some whiny woman and her friends isn�t about Pride it�s about suffering in grace, but I get the point. Why they couldn�t have bought that house in �that� neighborhood years ago I don�t understand but ok. Last time I check they were white. I know but it�s true. You let me walk up in that place 35 years ago and all hell would break loose. For some reason though I think Temmett would have suffered a worse fate so I�ll concede the point in Ted�s favor. Ted we are on the same side, all we want is a fair shake not equality because only a fool would believe anything in life can be equal. If everything were in balance we would cease to exist. Chaos is the order of the day.
Needless to say everyone is making all kinds of politically incorrect remarks. Sunny says, �Oh my goodness look at that. I can�t wear pastels, they make me look dumpy. You gays can wear anything with such beautiful bodies, put our husbands to shame.� Wow on behalf of straight men everywhere all I can say is at least a man didn�t utter that remark. All hate to the women folk, hee! Oh gawd all the women coo over Temmett and it�s sickening. Dee Dee says all the girls love the gay show Gay as Blazes. Another lady says gays have the same problems we do. I don�t know if she meant women or middle class America as a whole. I�ll leave it be and get to the good stuff. The boys get invited everywhere because everyone is trying to show how �now� they are. One lady has a cousin who�s a �lesssbian.� Her husband�s brother is a �trans�, meaning transsexual. The hubby says, some people are so behind the times. Lord it�s like Goodtimes meets The Donna Reed Show. If Emmett yells out DYNOMITE, then I�ll dawn a wig and become the Black Marilyn Monroe [Ardra, stop laughing�you too JB!] Also why do the husbands all fit the profile of either Mr. Rogers with their cardigans or the Lifetime movie of the week depiction of a pedophile? Someone please explain? Everyone is drinking martinis except Emmett who�s having a Cosmopolitan.
In Harrisonburg, Ethan is meeting his adoring crypt-keeper fans. Unbeknownst to Ethan, Justin did come and he looks well dressed for an evening at the symphony. But alas Ethan talks to some hottie, then motions to him, and Ethan follows him off into the wings. Justin is devastated. Oh Ethan, you are scum. Die Rat King die! Anybody have some Rid-Ex?
Back at WASP central Emmett tells how he wants to be a party planner and the girls want him to plan their party. I can�t believe not only do Cowlip do gays a disservice with their shenanigans but they to go to the extreme portraying heterosexuals is just too damn much. At least they haven�t thrown in the obligatory ethnic minority for good measure. Just as Ted calls Emmett on his impending doom prophecy, the doorbell rings. Guess who it is? I�ll give you one second. You�re right, the fuzz.
The cops have come looking for Ted. Sunny thinks someone is double-parked. Ted is under arrest for contributing to the delinquency of a minor. Then the cops tell everybody about the inspection of Ted�s pornographic website establishment. Seems Eddie lied and had a fake ID, and the cops found his birth certificate. To say the neighbors are socked and awed is not enough. Boy I think someone�s house is going up for sale again soon. Emmett says Eddie looks so tall. Poor Emmett. The cops Mirandize and cuff Ted. Emmett makes their apologies, and is embarrassed to no end.
Back at Michael, Ben, and Emmett Central, Ben is puking his guts out and says it�s something he ate. Michael says it�s the steroids. Then says he hit Brian, shoved him, made him bleed, whatever. Wow the drama queen antics never cease. Michael says Ben is crazy. Ben gets irate and says fuck you to Michael. Michael looks like a puppy dog knowing he�s done wrong and keeps right on yapping.
Ben: What it�s like to wake up every morning and remember�oh yeah I�ve got this thing because you don�t have this thing. You never have to take a mouth full of meds. Never knowing when they�ll stop working. Never knowing when a fucking cough or a fucking sniffle may land you in the hospital because to you Michael it is just a fucking cough or a fucking sniffle. And every time I go to kiss you, or suck you, or fuck you, even when we are protected, even then there is this shitty nagging doubt that maybe�.just maybe you could get infected. Sometime I just think�[Y�all he looks crazy]
Michael: What? Sometimes you just think what?
Ben: It might just be easier to be with someone who�s positive. [I�m touched because Michael got tears brimming the eyelids. Oh this is deep. Also, it�s time for him to expire.]
Then to Woody�s I imagine and Justin is drinking after seeing Rat King amongst his subjects. Brian sees him and I�m telling you Justin looks like a man who got sucker punched by his best friend. Brian asks where his fianc� is and Justin says off playing somewhere. Brian says, �Well luckily you have this [pointing to the ring and then walks away].� People he wants Justin so bad I can taste it, but he�s going to let Justin grow up before he initiates the final phase of his master plan. You know Brian is still a dick weed but at least he�s got a plan. That�s a wrap. I can�t believe they made me sit through all that crap for five minutes of quality television. People call your Congressmen and Senators, its� time for some government intervention.
Next time on QAF, Ted is going to face his worst nightmare. He�s going to be Bruno�s bitch. Michael is ready to send himself over the edge for Ben and let�s just hope this romantic gesture isn�t going to be fatal. Melanie gets pregnant. Ethan�s new sex thang pops us at the cesspool with flowers and Justin calls shit-for-brains on his interlude. Let�s hope no more hypocrisy so I can at least stomach another one. Also next week I�m only recapping the last ten minutes because the rest is shite. No, I won�t be that cruel, but it would save me typos, hee!