Episode 305 begins with sacrilege. Pure, simple sacrilege!! They used
one of my favorite songs--Dwight Yoakam's version of "Crazy Little
Thing Called Love"--as a musical backdrop for the stupidest storyline
in QAF history. Yes, this one even surpasses last season's Wedding
Episode on the stupidity charts--Mikey's Jerk Off Adventures. So we
begin at the doctor's office were a nervous Michael is waiting with Lindz
and Mel to provide them with sperm. Michael is called back to give a
sample, left alone in a room with his cup and magazines and starts trying
to jerk off.
Meanwhile in another city, Ethan is there for the Heifitz competition.
He and Justin are backstage and he's really nervous. Justin is being
sweet and reassuring to him. Ethan says that when his mother told
him that his grandfather was too sick to make the trip, he almost
reconsidered performing. He's been playing for his grandfather for
all of his life. Now he's playing for Justin, his new "muse". He wants
Justin to stay backstage so that he can see Justin while he performs.
Ethan takes the stage and begins to play. (He's playing the same tune
that he played at the recital the day he and Justin met. Just wanted to
point that out!) Anyhow, as Ethan fiddles with his stick, Mikey tries to
fiddle with his, but neither can get the job done and have I mentioned
how stupid Mikey and his storyline are this episode?
On Liberty Avenue, Deb and Vic are trying to get people to register to
vote because of the upcoming mayor election. They aren't having much
success. And Brian is among the disinterested ones. The last thing he
voted for was a competition at Babylon. Deb is frustrated with Brian and
the others for not caring. The Chief of Police (also known as this season's
"Evil Straight Guy") is running for mayor and the polls have him in close
running with the Councilman that Deb is supporting. Brian still doesn't
care. He doesn't see the point in voting for a Democrat who only pretends
to care about gays or a Republican who admits they don't because no matter
who wins, they're really not going to do anything for the community once
they're in office. May the best self-serving son of a bitch win is Brian's theory.
And Vic grudgingly admits that he's right.
Michael is unable to provide a sample. Ethan finishes his performance and
joins Justin backstage.
Jennifer is having a very unsuccessful time getting people to register to vote.
Ted and Emmett walk up and speak to her. Ted is a registered voter--A
Republican. Em is just shocked that he is living with a Yankee and a
Republican! They tell Jennifer that they're looking for a house to buy and
Jennifer wants to be their real estate agent.
Ethan loses the competition. His disappointment is evident, as is Justin's for
him.
Afterwards, the crowd has left and Justin and Ethan are talking in the
auditorium. Ethan is visibly upset, saying he knew he screwed up, etc.
Justin tries to comfort him, hugging him. A man approaches them then
and introduces himself as Glen Bishop, an agent. He raves about Ethan,
but Ethan says apparently the judges didn't agree that he was that good.
Glen says forget the judges, they didn't see what he sees in Ethan. He offers
to buy Ethan and Justin a drink.
At the diner, Michael admits his failure to produce and Deb sympathizes
with him, furthering his embarrassment until all of the diner knows that he
couldn't wack off! (I told you, it's a stupid storyline!! Don't make me give
anymore details than I have to!)
In the bar, Glen goes on to boast of Ethan's great look and how that would
sell. Ethan's ego is stung, asking if all he is is a "commodity". Glen also
believes that Ethan is talented, but his looks could be used to their advantage
when marketing Ethan. Glen can't very well sell Mozart who hasn't written
anything in ages, but he can sell a "young, hip, sexy" Ethan playing Mozart.
(And this night is just Hell for me because not only is Mikey's storyline dumber
than dirt, now they're dragging out "Mozart" references and making me have
flashbacks to my evil music teacher in elementary school who used to threaten
me if I didn't way "Mozart" just right.) Anyhow, Justin excuses himself and
leaves the table and Glen says that Justin is nice and cute . . . but if Ethan signs
a contract with him then he never wants to see Justin again. As far as the world
knows and Ethan's career is concerned, Ethan is straight.
Brian and Vance are looking for business leads at a fundraiser for The Evil
Straight Guy Of Season Three--Jim Stockwell! Vance is pointing out business
prospects when Brian spots a "prospect" of his own and goes to the bathroom
for the complimentary Brian Kinney Tricks For The 47th Episode In A Row
Isn't It Getting Old To Anyone Else But Me scene. Oh, well, at least this one
is cute. Anyhow, Brian tricks, enough said. Moving along. After bathroom
sex, Brian exits the stall and encounters Stockwell. Brian tells Stockwell that
considering all the fundraising he's doing and money he's raking in, he should
be leading the polls, not trailing his opponent. Stockwell says his advisors
believe that will change. Brian bluntly declares that Stockwell's advisors are
just blowing smoke up his ass. His campaign is stale and badly run. And, no,
Brian is not a supporter of his. He's an ad man who's only there to make
business acquaintances and is interested in the people Stockwell knows and
figures the best way to get in good with them is to get in good with Stockwell.
So if Stockwell is interested in a better ran campaign, then Brian will help him.
Brian gives Stockwell his card and leaves. (Quick opinion on Stockwell--He's
not as unattractive as I heard he was, although he's nothing that I'd stop and
stare at. Kinda stiff and uptight, but that could be chalked up to a bad actor.
Haven't seen enough of him yet to determine if it's the writing or the acting.)
Ben wakes Michael early in the morning as he is getting ready to go to the
gym. Michael wants him to stay in, but Ben is more interested in going to
the gym. Mikey says he was hoping Ben would help him get off. It's
important to Mel and Lindz. Ben snaps that getting to the gym is
important to him and leaves.
Justin and Ethan are back in The Pitts, taking a stroll through the park
and Justin is wondering what's up with Ethan. He barely said anything
during their flight home or the night before. Justin is thrilled for Ethan's
big opportunity to sign this contract and doesn't get why Ethan isn't either.
Ethan then tells Justin about the conditions that the agent has put on him
signing the contract. Glen has this idea of turning Ethan into a sex symbol
with CD covers that have him with hair blowing in the wind and tight,
unbuttoned clothes. Glen doesn't think that image will work too well with
female fans who might not buy his music if they know he's gay. If he signs
with Glen, he has to pretend he's straight. Justin asks where that leaves them
as a couple. "Together," Ethan declares, because he's not signing. Justin
asks if he is sure and Ethan insists he is. It's his music, his life, his talent, his
boyfriend, it's his everything, to sum it up.
Stockwell and his assistants come to Vanguard the following day to hear
what Brian has to say about his campaign. Stockwell agrees that his
campaign sucks and he admires Brian for being the first person brave
enough to say it to his face. Brian says that Stockwell is selling the wrong
image of himself. Everyone knows that Stockwell loves his country, his
mom, and his family, blah, blah, blah, it's not enough to get people interested
anymore. Stockwell needs something that will make him "pop", an image
that will really sell him. Stockwell's impressed.
Jennifer shows Ted and Emmett several places but they can't agree. Ted
likes the more practical one, Emmett likes the little cottage that's his
"dream house".
Lindz and Mel are eating at the diner, worried that Mikey won't we able
to produce the goods. (Must we discuss this stupidity over lunch, even if
it's just the character's lunch?) Brian brings one of Stockwell's campaign
posters to the diner and wants to hang it in the window. Deb hates the idea,
calling Stockwell a fascist pig. Mel and Lindz are shocked (how shocked
can they *really* be over Brian's actions by this point in the series?) and ask
how he can work for The Evil Straight Guy Of Season Three? Brian has no
problem with it. It's just business, is his theory.
Debbie gives Brian the coffee he has ordered, telling him to be sure to scald
himself. Deb then goes on to rave that at least someone has some principles
left--Ethan Gold! Yes, Ethan had a chance at a great contract but refused
because a condition of it was that Justin had to disappear. Mel ooh's and
aww's over this. Justin looks a little embarrassed. Brian's not impressed.
He drawls that someone needs to tell Ethan that "There's nothing noble
about being poor". He takes a sip of his coffee that Deb has given him,
which is in fact scalding hot. The gang snickers in amusement that he burnt
himself as he leaves.
At Ted's House Of Porn, Michael is troubled because he can't jerk off.
(For the sake of my sanity, this will be brief.) The storyline gets even
stupider when a scary, looks like he just escaped from a mental ward
jerker--"Raging Hard On"--takes center camera to jerk off. Mikey gets
turned on, jerks off in front of Ted, I guess, using one of Ted's cups, and
then races it over town like a moron while they continue to ruin Dwight's
song for me by playing it in the background. Mikey delivers to the ladies
and then Lindz shoots Mel up with a turkey baster. I'll never think of
Thanksgiving dinner the same way again after seeing this.
Michael and Brian are chatting and walking to Babylon when they
pass Ethan fiddling in the park. Brian tells Michael to go on without
him and approaches Ethan and tosses some money into his case. Ethan
tells Brian to keep his money, he doesn't need it. Brian replies that that
is not what he heard. He heard Ethan was still working on the streets,
like a whore. (Ouch!) Ethan says he's not a whore. Brian agrees, whores
sell their asses. Ethan is selling his music, his "soul". Ethan asks what
Brian could possibly know about "soul". Brian says he knows that Ethan
has probably worked every day of his life since he was a little kid, playing
for hours, pouring his heart into his music in the hope of being a great
artist some day and now no one is going to hear him. The words hit their
mark and Ethan asks why Brian cares? Brian answers because Ethan is
good and deserves to be heard. Ethan snaps that they wanted him to sell
out. Brian says he should. "So you can have Justin back?" Ethan
demands. Brian denies that he wants Justin back (sorry, Kinney, but I
don't buy that) and he just hates to see anyone holding on to their integrity
for no good reason. Ethan says that Brian would probably have played for
the Nazi's and Brian agrees that he would have if it had keep him alive for
another day. Ethan says he would rather work in the streets and Brian
replies that it's his call, but "there's nothing noble about being poor".
Brian leaves Ethan to think on those words.
At Babylon, some pointless dance number, let's skip over it, and get
to the bar where Ted and Em are still debating which house to buy
while kids are dropping around then like flies from a bad batch of
drugs. Em finally just tells Ted that they will get the house Ted
wanted, he's tired of debating it. More OD's in the background.
Mikey says it's the same old, same old, people falling out and no
one cares. Indeed, no one does. Brian wanders off and Em would
rather have another drink and very un-zen Ben arrives and wants
Mikey to join him in a dark corner for a little action. Michael says
no, he's saving himself for the lesbians. Ben gets mad and curses
that Michael is letting them control their lives. Michael asks
what is wrong with Ben. He is getting mad over little thing these
days.
At Vanguard, Vance is thrilled to have Stockwell as a client and is
going on about how great this is and the doors it could open for
them business-wise if Stockwell gets elected. They could even
launch a New York office of their company. But that's only *if*
they get Stockwell elected, Brian reminds. And *if* Stockwell
decides to hire them. And he does, it would seem, because he's
back at the office to tell Brian that he has found the issue that
will make him "pop" and shows Brian the headlines about the
drug over doses at Babylon. Brian isn't pleased that this is the
angle Stockwell wants to use. Hmmm . . . do I see a compromising
one's self in the name of business theme to this episode or what?
Justin comes home to the apartment to find candles light
everyone and my first thought is they must be in financial
trouble if the electricity has been turned off! But it's Ethan
trying to set a nice mood before dropping a bombshell. He
has candles and champagne and wants to celebrate. He gives
Justin a glass and they toast to "being together" before Ethan
says there is something else . . . He's decided to sign the
contract. Poor Sunshine looks like he's been slapped in the
face. He asks why Ethan has changed his mind and Ethan says
he can't play on the streets forever. Justin assures him that no
one expects that from him. But this agent is asking him to deny
himself, deny them. "There's nothing noble about being poor!"
Ethan declares and Justin asks where he heard that from. Ethan
won't say but Justin already knows the answer anyhow. Justin
walks away from Ethan and goes to the window, Ethan follows
saying that this will be like an adventure. They'll still be together,
they'll just have to make secrets dates and rendezvous. He tries
to make it sound romantic, but Justin ain't buying into that. He
says he already came out of the closet once, he doesn't want to go
back in. Ethan insists that he's not asking Justin, too. Besides,
does it really matter if other people know what they feel for each
other? Isn't the only important thing that they know? He and
Justin hug, but Justin is so not happy with this.
Michael and Emmett are walking down the sidewalk together and
Em tells Mikey about how poor his family was when he was growing
up. They were a step below trailer park trash even. He never dreamed
he'd have his own house someday, even if it isn't that little cottage he
loved so. They go into Woody's together where Jennifer is finalizing
the papers with Ted and Emmett learns that Ted has just bought the
cottage he wanted so badly. Em is thrilled! On the TV, Chief Of Police
Stockwell is giving a press conference concerning the teens who OD'ed
at Babylon. The gang is ticked to hear him vow that he will clean up
"certain parts" of Pittsburgh, protect the children, and turn Pittsburgh
into a city that is "family friendly"!
Michael goes home and spies Ben shooting steroids.
A pissed off Justin goes in search of Brian, who he finds in the back-
room of Babylon--no surprise there--getting a blow job--again, no
surprise there. Justin tells the blower to fuck off and flies into Brian,
telling him he should keep his mouth shut. He asks what Brian told
Ethan and Brian says he told Ethan the truth. "There's nothing noble
about being poor?" Justin asks. Brian laughs in disbelief that Ethan
actually listened and took his advice. He's glad that Ethan signed the
contract. "That he sold out?" Justin demands. Brian replies that
maybe his recordings will do the same, although personally he thinks
violin music sucks. Justin asks what about him. Brian nastily mocks
what about him? "You expect him to sacrifice his career for a piece
of blond boy ass? Is that your idea of true love, Sunshine?" Justin
has no reply, but you can see his eyes tearing over a bit. Brian goes
back to getting his blowjob. Justin stands there for a second before
leaving and Brian watches him go, looking affected and hurt by the
argument. And it was a bitter one, folks. I think some of Brian's
anger is starting to come out. He's defended Justin for leaving, even
wishing Justin the best, but he was hurt and angry over the break-up
and we've seen the hurt, now we're seeing the anger. While angsty, it's
an excellent scene and Harold and Harrison acted the hell out of it.
Next week, Ben is getting bigger, Ted's neighbors meet his "wife",
Ethan lies to reporters about Justin, which pisses off Daphne, and
Ben is slamming Brian around the lockerroom.