This week�s theme: �Liar, liar pants on fire!� And to bad babies don�t come from cabbage patches. I�m warning you now. If you can�t take the politically incorrectness of life then don�t read this. I don�t want any hate or blame. This episode is like defamation and inflammation of character all in one so don�t start. All warm fuzzies of course to me!
Last week on QAF: Carnivale was held to the chagrin of Plaid Girl and Sissy Boy. Ethan was showing all his spots and Carl Horvath, in the words of Eminem, �Hit that shit broad dog and bailed.� Ben had a crisis moment, and Brian isn�t gonna be the poppa.
So we begin with our eligible set of sperm donors walking like it was the Miss America Pageant. Michael looks decent in a tux and so do the rest of our gang of gentleman, except for the fact that Brian resembles a night I don�t think anyone wants to remember because frankly I still get shivers thinking about the bat and the head and the aftermath. Now the funny thing here is that everyone�s hair is impeccable save Emmett who looks as if he had just been electrocuted and left to fend for himself in the frozen tundra of Siberia. The winner of our little contest is of course Brian Kinney. He jaunts down looking all non-committal and of course at the exact moment he�s been ogled by women from all walks of life Melanie wakes up from her wee nightmare and is about to have a melt down of her own. Seems she�s been having this recurring dream. Lindsay calls this the Mr. Sperm Donor Pageant. Lindsay thinks it�s a sign from the heavens. I think it�s a bad case of indigestion, but Melanie says she knows Brian means a lot to Lindsay, always has, always will, but not to her. The ladies return to their slumber before the alarm goes off.
I�m gonna be honest here. Michelle is really hot but this story line for the girls makes my dick soft and I�m not EVEN lying. I just don�t know. It�s not that I don�t want to see this whole story line flesh itself out but dear lord can we at least try to keep Mel the hard-ass she has been? I miss my tough as nails chick who could walk through the fires of hell and come out unscathed.
Next scene we find Brian in his new office with Vance leaning over his shoulder. Seems our two partners are discussing a new client. Brian offers Vance a chip which is what they are peddling this time. And come on don�t be silly we all know advertising agencies just peddle shit to the masses because the manufactures who make such good things like I don�t know fake vomit need someone to sell America that having fake vomit around can change the course of the universe. I�m sorry I�m a little bitter. The car dealership told me I need a new transmission in my car and I�m sort of miffed but enough of my problems, looks like Vance has one now. Seems that chip is more like a piece of magma. The new chip is called Hot Potatoes. Yada�yada�ok. So guess who comes into this wee serene picture, none other than the Satan�s First Spawn Claire. Oh y�all it�s just like a Walton dysfunctional family reunion. I swear I�d change my name and move to a new country if I knew I was related to that demonic wench. I mean let�s be honest. We all have dysfunction in our families because there isn�t a family on the face of the earth that�s normal but this Kinney family has dysfunction on their mailing address.
So the wench comes in yakking about her son Peter whose school called and said he broke his arm at soccer practice. Poor kid, I know, with a mother like that he�d a wished it was his neck but you know sometimes the Almighty likes to play games with his play things so� Vance makes a hasty retreat. Claire says she has to get to St. John�s ER and she needs someone to watch John. My question is why can�t the wench take the illegitimate son of Satan to the hospital with her. I mean does she expect to set his arm and make the cast herself. All she�s going to do is sit in a waiting room and watch television. Surely evil could have accomplished that task with Satan�s spawn in tow. I mean get real I�m not buying this as a legitimate excuse to dump your child off on someone. If she already has John why not just take him on down there to and have him committed while she�s at it. Hell, have the whole damn bunch of them committed. And in all honesty, even if dad is an SOB surely he�d drop his bimbo and watch his spawn. So Cowlip, I�m not buying this as a valid reason to dump a kid off on a relative but if you say so. Claire leaves and she hideous too, even more so than season one. Brian makes a comment about his mom being passed out drunk on the floor and I�m pretty much getting that mental image as he says it but you know enough of my hate-oration on the Kinney clan.
Y�all then Brian looks at the spawn and I love his eye roll. It�s priceless. Now I see what my family talks about when we have get togethers and I�ve grown tired of the bullshit they keep harping on and roll my eyes and snicker at the same time. I mean I love them but they can push all my pissy buttons and that makes me a thug darkie ready to commit all kinds of heinous drive-bys and the like. So spawn of Satan asks Brian is he�s �still a fag,� y�all I was rolling because it�s the way he said it, like, �you Still ugly?� People I�m telling you now if the little shit had asked me I�d a told him hell yeah and yo mamma! In response Brian offers evil a chip and then evil takes a whole handful and Brian�s evil cackle matches my own. Ardra and JB can vouch for that, hee! God I love being evil! Oh yeah so back to this.
Next scene is the diner and Mel and Linds, who should be somewhere working and well I guess Gus is off working to pay the bills, are sizing up the sperm competition at America�s Favorite Restaurant.
Justin: adorable seashell ears- [See I told you guys Cowlip was stealing from Lord of the Rings. Maybe I need a woman to explain because depending on how that was meant it could be an insult.] incredibly talented and impeccable bone structure. Wow Lindsay knows exactly how to make a man feel valuable. I wonder if women really do this when they are scooping out potential mates. Like nice eyes, ass, hair looks good, teeth alright, good sized penis, no visible markings and no genetic abnormalities. I think men on the other hand are looking for a woman who is good looking, not hot because then you have to get guns and a posse to keep the pretenders to the throne away, and who is intelligent and can stand on her own. I want a woman who is engaging and makes me think and has a gusto for life and all its permutations. Frankly I like a woman to be a bit dangerous, but that�s too much about me and not enough about all of this.
Mel says she can�t have a baby with a baby so he�s off the short list. Let me tell you this list isn�t long to begin with. Ben is next on the list and why he�s even on it I don�t know but he is and gets immediately shot down, for obvious reasons. Then come Ted and Mel replies, �good old reliable Teddy.� You know you sanctimonious bitch, you ought to go to a sperm bank like any woman who dissects her male friends based on trivialities. I mean get real Ted would be an excellent choice for father. Plus he can help support the little calf once you birth him you evil cow. Sorry but this scene makes my skin crawl I wanna piece of the skank right now! Emmett doesn�t even rate a response but then again he looks like a child himself. Actually they all do save Ben who acts the part of an adult.
So Brian walks in with John who asks, �What is this place?� Hee! I�m telling you dude I ask myself that question every week I�m subjected to the hellhole. Oh and c�mon get off you high damn horse you know this place is a hole. It just reeks of a greasy spoon and frankly I like to get my grease from the drive thru. Ted asks if it�s Brian�s new boyfriend and Emmett says he�s even younger than the last one. So now I hate Temmett. Ok I lied this is going to be a hate-oration throughout so better strap you self in for some down home bitterness. It�s rampant tonight people and I can�t even stop it so roll with it. As Busta Rhymes says in one of his songs, �Roll with a nigga; put on some roller skates.� I�d like to take a crowbar to Emmett�s open mouth as he guffaws at his own stupidity. I swear this is why you can�t pick up trash and call them friends. Justin hears Emmett�s remark and hee hee�s too but he wants to get my cattle prod and shock the shit out of him. John says he wishes no one sees him here. You know I�d be saying the same thing but seeing as how your mom is a wench and your grandma is the Ice Empress or as I like to call her Leona�s Momma, The Empress of Mean. You can be assured you won�t be running into anything resembling that in the Diner the Lord Forsook.
Oh lord. I�ve got to stop here and just tell you John is evil but this kid has some of the funniest lines I�ve ever heard in my life. Brian introduces John as the Spawn of Satan and his sister. John asks Brian, �Is she [Debbie] a drag queen?� Oh y�all that�s too damn much. He�s evil but I love him for that because he said it with such sincerity. It made me roll on the floor. This kid is asking all the questions I�d like to ask but am too ashamed I�d be labeled evil if I did so. Alas, Debbie doesn�t find this at all humorous. But last week when she made the homophobic comment and when she was an ass to Ben last season, that was ok. Being called a drag queen isn�t? I thought she�d be happy but hey I guess she can dish it out not take it. So let�s move on because John says he isn�t eating anything any this place so Brian orders him a nice big juicy hamburger with extra ground glass. Oh yeah you can see this is going to be a lovely day. This episode alone has made me pissy, and I was in a real good mood today too!
So Mike comes up and asks what is Brian doing with his nephew. Brian says he�s �brat sitting.� Michael then asks John if he remembers Mike and John says, �no.� Hee that was so funny like why would he remember Michael. Hell, I try not to. So Mike asks evil if it would like to venture down to the comic store and evil being a kid he is asks his Uncle Brian if he can go. Of course Brian says, �oh now we�re related.� Ok here�s my pick on John. John is the straight version of Brian Kinney. He seems to have a heart underneath all that bravado but he lives in a cesspool with the wench and the religious banshee so he has built walls to protect himself from the hell that surrounds him. Living in that household, I�d rather be sold into slavery and sing Negro Spirituals all day long and get my foot chopped off just like in Roots.
So, Mel and Linds think Michael is the best thing since sliced bread and he�s going to be the donor elect since he won�t give them any trouble. You know like wanting to cuddle or touch that baby. Now here is my question since we all know Mel is the breadwinner in this family who in the hell is going to support them while Mel�s on maternity leave? I mean somebody�s going to be panhandling to make ends meet. I�m just asking and fact pointing out.
Meanwhile at the comic store of lost causes John is hording up quite a collection. Brian says it�s time to go and of course just to beat home the point John calls him a goddamn fag. I�m sorry you know if my kid ever called me something like that he would learn right then and there after I planted my foot up his ass never to say that to another living human being ever again. Of course I plan on raising my children properly and not to be evil gnomes, but this kid is looking for an old-fashioned ass beating and I�m willing and ready to sacrifice one for the cause of eliminating spores of hate. He�d be toothless and lumpy when I got done dragging his ass through the gutter. And when I was pleased with the pain I inflicted upon him its� time to get mommy dearest and the Empress of Mean and beat the shit out of them too!
Mike touches Ben�s pecs and says, �God you�re hard.� Ben replies, �So are you.� They look like they are about to begin something when a customer *ahems* and breaks up the sexual act about to take place. Guy asks for the new Superman and Mike says, �You�re looking right at him.� Mike can be so sweet sometimes but he�s still too juvenile to have a kid. I mean the only reason he and John got along so well was because they could relate to one another. Of course it also helped that Mike had something John wanted too you know�Well Ben�s off to the gym for like the umpteenth time today and Mike huffs and says after he leaves it�s all right.
So Cut to Temmett at Ted�s and they are having dinner with candles and wine and what the hell is that? Lord I think it�s opera. I don�t care who you are gay or straight you�d get hurt if you had dinner while I was in a mile radius and listening to opera. My God how depressing and pitiful. Doesn�t Ted have some good Mood music to listen to or how about none at all! He�s so old he�s like three years older than Ronald Reagan was back in the 80�s and that�s damned old. My parents aren�t even that anal. Wow and now you know why Ted leads such a dull existence. Anywho Ted cooked for Temmett and Emmett is surprised to know that Ted can cook. I guess for you two being best friends you really don�t know much about each other do you? Yes, ladies and gentlemen this relationship is going places let me tell you. Emmett says he�s a hurricane in the kitchen and then Ted wants Emmett to move in. Emmett is not so sure, neither am I. Ted is anal-retentive and an obsessive neat freak and Emmett is a messy queen. This spells disaster. Ted is adamant though they�ve known each other for five years, and if they don�t know by now then they will never know. Ahh�Ted he didn�t even know you could cook and dude I know the cooking prowess of all my friends. So you know�Ted cleans up from dinner because he�s anal and Emmett says everything is spotless already. See Cowlip love hurling a hammer and a side of anvil to make a point. You know Ted is going to come home to find his condo in disarray with Emmett slinging hash and flour and drying undies in the living room. I wish to Providence they would do something about Emmett�s hair it looks like a ferret is on top of his head.
Y�all it�s my main baby again. I love me some Gus. This kid has more acting talent than this whole cast put together for the sole fact he could give a rats ass less about being in a scene. I love this kid, I�m talking he should get an Oscar for his portrayal because he is that deserving. Michael is playing games with Gus and of course my boy like his Dada pays Mike no attention but pokes him a couple of times to get him to shut the hell up. Gus is always sure to keep his toy as far away from Michael as possible. He recognizes a thief when he sees one. When Michael says he�s a push over, and he faux falls down, Gus looks at him like �idiot, get your dumb ass off the floor.� I�ll give Hal Sparks this much, he�s gotten more emotion from this baby than any of the others. I think this Gus only likes Michael; then again Gus could be playing reindeer games with Michael just like his Dada, like father like son so you decide. When Michael hears that Melanie is going to have their next kid Michael�s jaw drops open like Justin�s, it�s so cute.
Mel then breaks the news and of course there is a glass of wine near by. I don�t know why they think they need to get the boys drunk and then ask. Could it be they know Mel is an enforcer and they are afraid the shock would be too much? Gus calls Mike dada and well that�s that. Michael is next talking to Ben and so I think he�s going to do it. I think Ben is pissed he can�t have a kid because you know he�s positive. You know you should have put it on ice before hand. Ben and Mike have shower sex and then we move to Brian�s loft.
The Loft of Undeniable Sorrow. John is still playing his little game and then he starts the wandering eyes and frankly I would too having a first real opportunity to see what�s what in the lair. John picks through the porn. This is probably stuff on loan from the Cowlip Collection. One movie is called Violation. I wonder if that�s available for super-saver shipping on Amazon? Then John heads to the bedroom and open the naughty drawer. People this is why you keep these things in a box that says �Justin�s things,� because if you should die one day at work, and your family wanders into your home and finds stuff like that, there may be some questions to the corpse. Or say you are in the hospital and you are drugged up and tell them third drawer from the top are some clothes. They open that sucker up to find a dildo collection and some leather chained thongs and a whip. Hell yes there are going to be questions, like are they clean? I�m not into vibrating objects much myself because well that�s what airplane turbulence is for but please lock things like that up so the children won�t find then. Could you see Gus spending the night getting into that stuff and taking one to school the next day? How the hell do you explain fifteen dildos? Anywho John�s a nosey little fucker. Put a rattrap in there and catch a rat. He eventually takes Brian�s wallet and empties it and swipes his bracelet. Now I�m going to warn you here, I�m going to get real pissy for a moment and then get it out of my system. So forgive me or don�t read it but this isn�t going to be pretty. I�ve brought my therapist in to referee for me. Everyone say hello to Steve. Ok here goes.
Brian: Put it back�I said put it back in the fucking wallet. [At least he had on jeans when he came out of the shower; I bet that�s a first.]
John: What for? You�ve got more money than you know what to do with. {So what, it�s not your punk!]
Brian: Who told you that? Your mommy?
John: She said you were a selfish son-of a-bitch who never gave anyone in this family a red cent.
Brian: Yeah I wonder why. Now hand it over [He asks so nicely too and see the results� (Steve: Max calm down boy�this is just a television show) Thanks, I know that but this is endemic of children in American society. I want to brand his ass with my new boots because his punk ass mother isn�t worth the trashcan she was spawned in and shouldn�t be allowed to procreate such degenerate little shits! (Steve: For that outburst sir, you are on time-out) Time out my ass I want a piece of this kid. He isn�t too young to take a cattle prod or some electroshock treatment.]
John: Fucking goddamn faggot, you and your faggot friends are going straight to hell. [Not before you do you verminous scumbag. I do loathe the little shit so. Is it wrong to fix a human being to ensure they don�t spread their infected genes around on unsuspecting people?]
Brian: Wow really. Who told you that, granny?
John: You touched my dick [then the little shit kicks Brian in the balls]
Blah�blah�blah John then says that Brian is going to be sorry because he took his money back. At least Brian flushed the little shits head down the toilet. To bad he didn�t piss in it first. Hell Brian already is sorry you beaned him in the balls you whiny piece of gutter trash.
(Steve: Max that�s quite enough from you.)
Look here. Get the hell out you whiny piece of trash. I�m pissed off and rightly so. That kid is evil. Brian has done nothing but subsidize his waste of a family, and isn�t it sad that he feels some familial connection to the unholy bunch. I�m surprised Ma Kinney wasn�t a Jim Jones follower. She�s certainly crazy as hell enough to do something like that. I still can�t believe his sister would say something like that though�who the hell am I kidding I can. She thinks just because Brian worked hard for what he�s accomplished he should be just more than happy to give back to a family who hates him and burns him in effigy every chance they get. I give to charitable causes but if Claire was worth a piece of shit she�d find the sperm donor of shit-for-brains and kleptomaniac and squeeze his ass for money if she�s so damn needy. God I want to hire a hit team to take out all of Brian�s family members, they suck My Big Fat Greek ASS!
One�two�three�four�five�six�seven�eight�nine�ten. Ok I think I can continue now. I�m ok I just had to get that out before it hurt someone.
So at Emmett�s the moving men are doing what they do, move�and wait, that doesn�t resemble the same place from season one. Well I guess if they had to fail somewhere I guess it better be here than like going through fifteen Gus�s in four episodes. Meanwhile everyone�s excited for Mikey. Emmett asks if this means that Brian and Michael will be related. Please don�t even joke around like that Emmett. That�s just mean. Brian says yes, �Lesbians once removed.� Hee. Everyone gets a good laugh. One of the moving men gives Brian �the look� and off Brian goes to help him unpack his wares. I know if hokey but it�s all I can do right now. It�s really hard to be snarky when you want to see ritual blood baths performed. Before he leaves, Brian tells Temmett they should hold on to the boxes. He gives them 24 hours. I give them two minutes.
At, �What the Hell is This Place� Debbie is telling everyone she�s going to be a grandma. God see that why this family line needs to extinguish with Michael. This is going to be one genetic freak of nature. I swear the mistake they made at Jurassic Park isn�t even in the same league with what abomination to man is about to unfold. Debbie really starts to wear my nerves thin with all this grandma crap. Dear lord woman shut up already. Ben is a wee envious that Michael is siring this baby, because we all know if Paul hadn�t INFECTED him he�d be man of the hour right now. God can�t these people own up to anything in their life? So Debbie gives Mike the what for on wearing boxers and no tight clothing. She says if you get a heat wave down there all your little soldiers will be DECIMATED. She sounds like George Bush talking about the Iraqis but George couldn�t pronounce the word to save his life. Hee, it�s just too funny. She tells Michael to get some fruit-of-the-looms, big baggy boxers. Next she�ll have him with gel packs in his trousers to keep it a constant temperature. She says Michael has to cease and desist with the sex to save up his payload. Now she sounds like Rumsfeld giving a briefing. Cowlip are stealing material wherever they can lay their hands on it these days. Ben�s about had enough. He�s got to go before he gets ill and Mike looks like a deer caught in headlight. Vic knows what�s up and he runs to catch up with Ben and by the time he catches up he�s about dead. Ben and Vic have an almost conversation but no such luck. Ben cuts him off. Vic is so cool; he�s such a sage.
The elevator of the Loft Presently Serving number 1,234,346,876. Ok, remember now that Brian is getting it anywhere and everywhere he can these days from what he did in 302. He�s doing it in the elevator as it rides up to his floor. Now see if he were in my building I�d lock his ass in there for a week to prove a point. Don�t screw in the elevator. I don�t want your genetic material near my shoes or hands should I happen to touch a button. Trick thought he was going to fuck, instead he gets fucked. Also I didn�t see Brian slip on a condom unless he�s just wearing them all the time now. You know just in case. Cowlip, safe sex now. Seems one of Pittsburgh�s finest is awaiting our man Kinney. He sees Brian getting himself back together and shakes his head, like �dear lord, I see why you need to go downtown now.� Anywho after all that whoopla we move right into the legal stuff.
Melanie and Lindsay are playing for keeps this time and I�m still wondering where Gus is? He may be down with his dada at central booking for underage tricking. I told him he couldn�t just waddle off and use his dada�s credit card to purchase tricks. It�s not over 18 months, it�s 18 years. Poor Gus, we may never see him again. Ok, where was I? Yes, so Michael has a legal document with sub paragraphs and subsections and line items and things. He can�t read all of this. The girls want him to sign over his right and only be allowed supervised visits. They learned well the first go round and aren�t playing games on this one. Michael isn�t so thrilled about this. He though the girls wanted him to be the �father�. Oh sweet corn, I wouldn�t wish that on a child in two million years. Michael can barely run his own affairs let alone that of a little one. Lord, pray for this one won�t you? So the girls didn�t think a fatherless man would want to have a fatherless child. How stupid are they? Did Mel graduate from a law school or just Henry�s Institute of Court TV Infomercials?
At the Grassi-DaVore Household, Debbie is dumping off her junk on Justin. Some hideous plate and some Jesus dish towels. She says she knows Ethan is Jewish so tell him to ignore Jesus. You know I�m real sure Jesus wants to be drying dishes and wiping up dust and crap. You know that�s what he was all about. Well in a way he was but that�s neither here nor there. Let�s just say Catholicism took another step backward this day. Plus, she gives him some hideous wolf thing to remind Justin she�s always there. Justin asks if she�s sure she wants to get rid of it. Vic says he�ll manage. Debbie says they are family heirlooms but she knows Justin and Ethan need things. You know she�s got a son who�s about to sire a child, but I guess she never thought about that so�
Horvath comes in and tells everyone that one of Debbie�s �lost boys� is in trouble. Seem the Evil Shit accused Brian of sexually molesting him and Brian�s in shit. No one believes it, and of course Justin is a staunch defendant of Kinney so you know just like with Kip, Super Twink to the rescue.
You remember I told you Ted was anal and a neat freak. Well like I told you then the anvil finally came hurling at me because Emmett is cooking chicken, shrimp and some other stuff and Ted�s place looks like back stage at a Tammy Faye Baker Convention. I mean shit is everywhere. By the way if you saw when Emmett was moving out you noticed he had more boxes than was possible room for at his old place so I don�t know how in the hell he thought it was all going to fit at Ted�s. Ted comes home and blows all his gaskets and then he finds out Emmett threw away his Pavarotti Nail. You leave tetanus lying about it�s going to get trashed. People the shit Ted has on is beyond abnormal it�s just super geeky freaky. Who wears things like that? If you do don�t say anything ok. Don�t tell people, just burn it and go to the Gap immediately. Who hangs their underwear to dry in the bathroom? That�s what dryers are for. Emmett also funsheiwed the living room. Ted tells Emmett that he had no right to move anything or touch anything. Emmett is out of there. He left the chicken cooking. It�s gonna take Ted three years to clean that mess up but guess what, that�s what Merry Maids is for. I rewound to a point and stopped and Ted looks like he�s having a mini-stroke. It�s priceless. Ok back to the untainted snark.
Down at Central Booking.
Michael: [Damn he�s whining again and sounds like he believes the enemy] He told them you made him suck your cock?
Brian: That�s what he told my cunt sister and that�s what my cunt sister told the cops. [You ain�t never lied]
Michael: I can�t believe I gave that asshole free comics. [You know Michael you�re just so mature, you should have a whole brood of kids. Sheesh you are so damn stupid.] They don�t believe him do they? [What do you think Sherlock?]
Brian: Listen up Michael�are you listening? They are heterosexuals. They think us perverts are after only one thing. To get our hands on some sweet piece of little boy meat. [No that would be my former bishop]
Michael: So all he has to do is accuse you and they automatically believe him? [Yes shit for brains of course they are. If someone said I molested some kid they�d haul my ass in too and question me but I think Brian got off a wee bit easier than I would have because this is still the USA. We just tolerate each other. Please don�t continue to kid yourself. This is America after all.]
Brian: But now I have to use the money I was going to spend on botox treatments on some goddamn three hundred dollar an hour lawyer. [It�s so nice to know where his priorities lay. Sarcasm doesn�t work well for Mikey, you need to enunciate. Thank God he�s not going to call Melanie.]
Michael: They�re not going to arrest you are they? [You know don�t have him on the suicide hotline. The death rate would soar!]
Brian: How do I know!
Michael: Shit you could go to prison! [Ok I�ll just off myself and save the state the trouble. He�s so clueless sometimes it amazes me he even knows how to breathe.]
Next stop is the gateway to hell, or Claire�s house. Y�all it�s a Kinney Family Reunion. You know, instead of watching the �Cosby Show� or �Cheers� they watched �Cops� because it�s so close to reality for this bunch. Claire opens the door, I don�t know why people don�t ask who�s there first but hey to each�s own. Brian isn�t having any of her shit and barges inside and Claire threatens to call the cops. Brian yells for John to come down. Claire says like she�s going to let him anywhere near Brian and calls him a sick pervert. You know bitch you felt that way why leave him in his care? Brian says spawn is a twisted lying fag hater. Ahh�he�s got my vote for that one. Then of course enter the Empress of Mean carrying her banner flag in the form of a double scotch. She says Brian has some nerve showing up there. I think he�s got every right. Claire says there no telling what kind of permanent damage you�ve done to him. See The Cunt and Cunt Prime are seeing dollar signs coming from Brian. They want his money the gold digging bitches, hell yes that�s what they are and that�s what I�m going to call them.
Cunt Prime, I mean Empress of Mean says that she�s not surprised because with the life Brian leads and the friends he has it�s what happens when you turn away from the Lord. See why did she go bring Providence into this. He didn�t say a word. Joanie was the sole survivor from Jim Jones and David Coresh. She�s a religious freak that needs to be burned at the stake for witchery. Brian�s reply, �Fuck the Lord and fuck you.� People he looks so hurt that Cunt Prime doesn�t believe him. I swear I want to give him a hug, buy him a drink, watch Fight Club, and get it all out of his system. So let�s sum up here. Brian is related to trash, his friends are trash. He keeps surrounding himself with trash you can�t help but keep repeating the vicious cycle.
Back at the home of Mike, Emmett, and Ben, Mike is going on about being useless sack of genetic fluid, like anyone cares. Ben is enabling him ever so slightly because Ben�s gotta go hit some weights. Ben was looking forward to being Uncle Ben. Mike says, like the rice. Sheesh. Emmett comes in and Mike is scared but then they find out it�s Emmett. He�s come home, just like Michael did. Seems Brian was right.
We keep the hetero hate theme in Babylon with Brian telling Ted, �What I feel is an overwhelming sense of disgust. Seeing two pathetic fags trying to turn themselves into something more pathetic, two happily married heterosexuals. You know I�m sick of this hetero-hate. This is getting old and quick. You know not all heterosexuals hate homosexuals and I know that there are some homosexuals who are diametrically opposed to heterosexuality, but guess what I don�t care what you do behind closed doors. You got to get your, I got to get mine. As long as everyone is consenting and an adult you can get freaky and nasty and downright carnal. Who cares, but this Kinney hetero hate crap needs to go. I know it exists and it�s good to see it but this is why I sometimes despise Kinney. Everything in him screams I hate myself because I can�t have what they have when all he�s got to do it get over himself and get it and be happy. I think sometimes he�s just jealous and he uses this hate-oration as a defense mechanism.
Brian goes to the back room after pissing off Ted and pulls a trick but says he�s too young and trick says, �That�s not what I heard.� Damn word spreads fast doesn�t it?
At the Arcade the next day. Justin is so smart. He overheard one conversation in the Dinner and knows right where to find Spawn of Satan. Of course it helps that Justin fits right in with his peers as well. Johns says Brian offered him money but he wouldn�t do it. Justin says he would have paid Brian for the opportunity. Justin says Brian could go to jail. John says, �Good, he can get raped by a bunch of Black guys.� People I�m not even going to go there ok. I am putting down the knife and backing up from the Bronco! I have had it with this hate-oration. It�s noting but hate. I really already know there are people who would spit on me rather than look at me but this is the 21st Century. I thought we had progressed? And they call this the land of the free? Free my ass. If I was free I could torture Cunt Junior for saying bigoted things like that. But alas, the answer to bigoted stupidity is not more bigoted stupidity so I rise above the fray. Let�s be as decent as animals and not so asinine. Justin makes a comment about his mother subscribing to HBO alluding to Oz. Jealous Cowlip? Thought so. He notices the bracelet and we have our red herring.
Mel, Lindsay and Gus. I don�t know where they acquired him but they got their kid back. They are discussing Michael�s merits and Lindsay says that Michael is not Brian, that�s why they chose him. Mel says she was only protecting them. Linds says maybe we ought to stop, not have any more kids. She knows where Mel�s loyalty is going to lie. Get real Lindsay even I know that. You�re afraid Gus is going to take second banana to little whiney.
At the Home of Satanic Devil Worshippers, Cunt Junior returns home and finds a posse waiting for him. Well it seems Horvath uses his acumen to get the truth out of Cunt Junior and the Cunt wants the truth. Seems John was following Mommy�s orders, �he�s just a fag, a goddamn fag like you said.� Super Twink to the rescue.
At the comic store, Mel and Lindsay rip up the Pre-donor form and Michael gets to be a daddy.
Ted makes up to Emmett and Temmett are going to go look for their place. Ted read dear Abs. Emmett�s hair still looks awful but you know. Temmett are going house hunting. Ted makes all kinds of sound accounting principles about the house and people we have Temmett again. I tell you talking and communicating can get you everywhere.
At the home of Ben and Michael. Ben�s going to the gym but first of course he has to go shoot some jungle juice. Michael looks at his ovulation cycle he�s got. Seems they can have sex tonight, he and Ben but Ben�s gotta push some weight first.
Justin brings the bracelet back to Brian and Brian says thanks and Justin puts the bracelet on him and right as things get too cozy Brian says, �Shouldn�t you be getting back to your boyfriend.� Justin says yeah and walks off and Brian leaves the door wide open letting us all know Justin is more than welcome to come home when he�s ready. Somebody wants to be inside someone. Y�all that�s it. We�re done.
Next time on QAF. Ethan has to return to the closet. He�s going to sell his soul for the highest price. Michael has some performance issues. Seems he can�t shoot on command. Michael is pissing Ben off because Ben is on jungle juice. Michael whines and to stop from killing him Ben walks away. Brian puts his master plan into action and tells Ethan to close the closet and get inside and leave the key outside. Justin is not pleased. All this and more on the next QAF.