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Episode 304 begins with all the guys clad in tuxedos, looking amazing might I add, strutting their stuff across stage as "contestants" in a pageant. Each is introduced and I have to say again how fabulous Justin, Brian, and Ben especially look. Anyhow, the contestants stand on stage as they eagerly wait the winner of the "Sperm Donor Pageant" to be announced--Brian Kinney! (Gale Harold does a great job here, BTW.) A stunned/thrilled _expression crosses Brian's face as the others congratulate him and he goes to be crowned and--
And Melanie wakes up screaming from her recurring "Sperm Donor Pageant" nightmare. Lindz asks who won this time in the dream and Mel tells her to guess. Lindz thinks that maybe it's a sign they should go with Brian to father the new baby. Mel is insistent that she doesn't want Brian to be the father of "her" baby.
At his office, Brian offers Gardner Vance a potato chip from the bag on his desk. Vance eats one and his reaction is amusing as he's just tasted the new hot and spicy potato chip that is Brian's new client. Brian has worked up an ad campaign for them that Vance also likes. Enter Brian's sister Claire with her son John in tow. She has an emergency, her other son broke his arm in soccer practice and she has to go to the hospital but she needs someone to keep John for her. Brian asks why not leave him with their mother. Claire says Mom is "indisposed". Or, as Brian translates, "Mom is drunk". Brian will baby-sit the kid but he's not thrilled about it. Claire leaves and John's first words to Brian are to ask if he's "still a fag". Brian smirks and offers John the bag of hot and spicy chips.
At the diner, Mel and Lindz are going over their list of potential donors which has the names of all the guys on it. They check out Justin first, who Lindz likes. He's cute, talented, intelligent. "Nineteen," Mel adds. No, he's too young for fatherhood. Justin's name gets marked off the list. Ben is next. He's perfect, but his positive status takes him off the list, too. Ted, good old boring reliable Ted. He's off because he's too dull, I guess. Emmett is off because, well, he's too Emmett.
Brian arrives at the diner then with the "spawn of Satan and his sister". Ted and Em joke that Brian has a new boyfriend who is even younger than the last one! Justin laughs sarcastically as he waits on the tables. Deb comes over to take Brian and John's order and John thinks she's a drag queen, which doesn't make Deb happy! John doesn't want to eat food from the diner but Brian orders him a cheeseburger "with ground glass". Justin and Brian exchange hello's as Justin goes to wait on the booth behind Brian's and over-hears John saying he wants to go to his favorite video arcade in the mall. (That's important later.) Michael comes over to Brian's booth and we conveniently learn that he is just amazing with kids! Who knew? Well, I guess it makes sense, he's about on the same mental and mature level as John. Michael invites John to the comic book store. Mel and Lindz take notice of how great Mikey suddenly is with children and have found their sperm donor! And Mel loves the fact that he "won't give them any trouble".
At the comic book store, Michael gives John some comics. Brian asks if Ben would like to have a kid and Ben says that studies show that two men can raise a child as well as anyone else. Brian corrects the misunderstanding--He meant, would Ben like to have *this* kid. He'd gladly give John to them.
Brian and John leave and Ben compliments Michael on his new-found fondness for fatherhood and how good he is with John. A customer asks about Superman and Michael jokes that Ben is Superman. He comments on all the working out Ben has been doing lately and that it shows. Michael wants them to make plans for the evening, but Ben intends to hit the gym instead.
Ted cooks a nice dinner for Emmett and afterwards says he wishes Em didn't have to leave. In fact, he wants Emmett to move in with him. Em wonders if it's too soon for that and Ted reminds that they've known each other for a long time. Em doesn't want to be in Ted's way, Ted assures he won't be! And there's just some not-so-subtle hints being dropped everywhere in this episode, isn't there?! Of course Em is going to get in the way and of course Mel/Lindz are going to ask Mikey to be the father and of course Mikey is going to give them "trouble" since they insisted he wouldn't.
So, onto the ladies' house were Michael is just displaying this new found gift for parenting everywhere, now with Gus. And slap me down if we haven't seen Gus more in the first 4 episodes than we did in all of season two! And still being played by the same kid, who is just adorable! Anyhow, Michael pretends surprise when the ladies tell him that they're going to have another baby with Mel being the mother. But he really is surprised when they ask him to be the father.
Ben thinks it's a great idea for Michael to father the baby but Michael isn't so convinced, talking about how much responsibility that comes with a child. Michael is so caught up in what he's talking about that he doesn't notice the vial of steroids that Ben drops on the floor out of his gym bag and then hastily picks up. Also, great acting by Robert Gant here because you can see the little subtle changes in Ben's personality because of the steroids. It's not in your face obvious, but the edginess and restlessness that wasn't a part of Ben before is there now since he started using the steroids. And he wants a shower with Mikey. As they undress, they talk more about children and Michael says he wishes that he and Ben could have one together. Ben would like the same. Oh, naked Ben and his Beautiful Thighs in the shower! (I can blank out Michael in my mind.)
At the loft, Brian is taking a shower while John is snooping through his things. He investigates the porn collection and sex toys before stealing Brian's infamous shell bracelet, sticking it in his pocket before moving onto Brian's wallet. Brian catches him taking the money from the wallet. He tells John to put the money back but John says that Brian is selfish and has all this money and never gives any of it to his family, according to Claire that is. Brian tells John again to return the money and John tries to bolt from the loft. Brian chases him down and wrestles the money out of John's pants pocket as the kid yells that Brian "touched his dick". John kicks Brian and Brian drags him into the bathroom and gives him a swirly. John vows that Brian will be sorry.
Hunky movers are moving Em's things into Ted's place as Ted, Em, Brian and Michael admire them. They talk a little about Michael being the father of the new baby and Em asks if this makes Brian and Michael related now. Brian says yes, they're "lesbians once removed". Brian advises Ted and Emmett not to throw away the moving boxes because he gives this new arrangement of theirs 24 hours. Hunky mover and Brian check each other out. Why do I sense a Brian Tricks Oh Yet Again scene coming up? Wonder what's on HBO right now . . . ?
Michael, Ben, and Vic are eating at the diner as Debbie gushes that she's going to be a grandmother. Deb is all excited and wanting to know when Michael will donate for the ladies. Ben is quick to leave and Vic follows him out. Vic says that he never wanted kids himself. Ben says that he did, but will never have one now. Vic points out that it's another way that they are not like negative people anymore. Ben says he tries not to think about it and sometimes he actually succeeds. Vic knows that feeling, but then something happens that always reminds them--a touch of the flu, someone donating sperm, a lover dying. Ben hastily leaves, wanting to be away from Vic and this conversation. Edgy is the only word I can think of to describe Ben lately, like he's on pins and needles and you can just feel that something is going to make him explode eventually.
Now either I'm psychic or this show has gotten *really* predictable--anyone wanna guess which is more likely?--because here we have it! The Brian Kinney Tricks For The 46th Episode In A Row Scene. Hmm, speaking of psychics, I think "The Dead Zone" is on USA right now . . . Yeah, it is, and Anthony Michael Hall is looking fabulous these days! Oh, well, back to "QAF", so Brian does the mover in the elevator (I guess, really wasn't paying any attention), and when the elevator door opens he gets a surprise. A cop is waiting outside the loft. Brian thinks it's another trick looking to play dress up, but then realizes that the cop is the real deal and the officer wants to take him down to the station for some questions.
Mel, Lindz, and Michael at a cafe together where Mel has drawn up some legal papers for Michael to sign. Michael reads over them, realizing that he is signing away his rights to the baby. He refuses to sign. (So much for hm not causing trouble, right, gals?) He says they asked him to be a *father*, not a donor.
At Debbie's, Justin is there for a visit and she's giving him some "family heirlooms". Yeah, right, me thinks she just cleaned out the junk in her attic and what she couldn't get rid of at the Garage Sale she decided to guilt Justin into taking. A dish towel with the crucifixion on it. He can tell the Jewish Ethan to just ignore the Jesus on the cross. Ha, ha. An ugly ceramic cat that Justin tries to get Vic to keep, but Vic is also insistent--Justin should take these things. Hovarth arrives and Deb calls him "sweet meat". Say it with me now, EEEWWW!!!! They kiss and Vic jokes to Justin that heteros aren't that much different from them after all. Hovarth has bad news though and tells them that Brian's nephew has accused Brian of molesting him. Justin is all ears at the mention of Brian's name and jumps to Brian's defense, saying there is no way Brian would do that. Deb agrees.
Ted comes home from a long days work to find that Emmett the Whirlwind has taken over his apartment. Em's made a mess in the kitchen, rearranged to add his things, left his undies hanging in the bathroom, and tossed out a rusty nail that once belonged to one of Ted's favorite opera singers. Ted feels like Em is taking over his place and Em argues back that it was supposed to be "their" place. Emmett leaves.
Michael and Brian leave the police station together and Michael is upset that all this kid has to do is make a false accusation and the cops come after Brian. Brian says that John told the cops that Brian offered John money to suck him off and the cops believe it because their straight guys and they assume that all fags want is a cute little boy to have their way with. Michael says that Brian can't sit still for this. Brian assures that he doesn't intend to.
Brian goes to his sister's place where nastiness ensues. He forces his way in with her threatening to call the cops and him yelling for John to get his lying butt down stairs. Brian and Claire argue, her asking how dare Brian do this to her son. He says he didn't do anything and she should have came to him and asked him first before going to the cops. Claire says he's a pervert and Brian says that John is a "fag hating liar". Wonder where he got that from? Drunk Mother enters on cue to berate Brian herself, saying he has alot of nerve to show his face. She and Brian have a nasty argument themselves and she starts in on her Bible thumping. Brian says fuck her and her beliefs and leaves. Great acting again by Gale Harold. This was an emotionally intense scene and you can see and hear the pain in Brian's face and voice. What a horrible family he has!
Michael dreads having to tell Debbie that she won't be a grandmother afterall. Ben is sorry, too, that the deal with the ladies is off. Michael says he didn't realize before this how much Ben wanted kids. Ben says he never realized he did until he couldn't have them. They hear the noise of someone coming into the apartment then and go to investigate and find Emmett moving back in. Em says Brian was right about saving the boxes.
At Babylon, Ted tells Brian that Brian was right about him and Emmett. Brian's amused that his guess was so good. Ted says he hopes Brian is happy about that. Brian is just disgusted that two fags would try to turn themselves into the happy hetero married couple. Ted says they weren't doing that. It was about love, a concept Brian doesn't understand. Ted leaves, Brian's off to the backroom to trick some more. Only his heart's not in it. He starts to pick up a guy, then declares that the guy is "too young" for him. Trick snarls "That's not what I've heard" as Brian leaves.
Justin catches up with John at a video arcade he over heard John talking about at the diner. Justin tells John that he is a friend of Brian's and Brian could get into alot of trouble because of the lies that John has told. John insists they're true and asks if Brian offers Justin money to suck him, too, and Justin says no, he'd pay Brian for that honor. Heh, heh, heh. John says he hopes that Brian goes to jail and gets raped by a gang of black guys. "Your mother must subscribe to HBO," Justin replies. (Best joke of the night.) Justin spots the bracelet on John's arm then and asks the kid about it. John says that it's his. Justin knows he is lying and is going to prove it.
Mel and Lindz argue again over who fathers the newest spawn, if it should be Michael or not. Lindz thinks that Mel is being too harsh and should re-think somethings. Mel says they should get an anemones sperm donor but Lindz argues that the baby would never know his or her father that way. Mel is trying to control things, every little thing. Mel needs to have some trust that things will work out and if she can't do that, then maybe they should re-think having another kid.
Justin, Debbie, and Hovarth go to Claire's house to confront John about the bracelet. John tries to deny having it at first but Claire remembers seeing it on his arm and demands that he hand it over and tell the truth. John tries to claim that he bought the bracelet at a store in the mall, but Justin disagrees, saying that Brian got the bracelet in Mexico and had his initials engraved on the back of a shell. Hovarth inspects the bracelet and Justin is correct. John is busted in his lies and Claire knows it. It's asked what all John has lied about and John declares that his mom is the one always saying Brian is just a fag. Debbie scolds him, he runs upstairs, Debbie scolds Claire, too. Hovarth hands the bracelet back to Justin and they all leave.
Mel has rethought her decision and wants Michael to be the donor afterall. She and Lindz go to the comic book store and they tear up the legal papers they had asked Michael to sign. Everyone's happy. Everyone hugs. A great big group hug and all is right with their world. And I'm left to wonder when lightening struck my TV and caused Showtime to merge with Nick At Nite for the "Queer as the Brady Bunch Folk".
*Here's the story,
Of two boring ladies,
Who wanted to add their life
The Whiner's babies . . . *
Ted tracks Emmett down at Woody's and apologizes to Emmett. He thinks that they should get a place of their own, something that isn't Ted's or Emmett's but "their's". Em likes the idea and they make up.
Michael goes about charting Mel's cycle so they will know when she can conceive and when he needs to provide them with a sample. (Geez, I feel dirty just typing this!) Ben is going to the gym again that night, but not before we see him shooting steroids in the bathroom.
Final scene, Justin comes to the loft to return the bracelet to Brian. They stand in the doorway of the loft and Justin gives Brian back the bracelet. Brian thanks him and Justin says "Anytime". Justin takes the bracelet and starts to fasten it back on Brian's wrist. Awww, the long, lingering, intense, heart in his eyes looks Brian is giving Justin the whole time says it all. Silence between them for a moment before Brian asks, "Shouldn't you be getting back to your boyfriend?" Justin says "Yeah". (And anyone who thinks they're really talking about Ethan here, raise your hand.) They share another lingering look before Justin leaves. Brian stands in the doorway for a minute before stepping back into the loft, symbolically leaving the door open. He walks a few steps, turns back and looks to where Justin had been, touches the bracelet on his wrist, and then walks deeper into the loft.
This was a tremendous episode. I can honestly say that I enjoyed every scene. And that hasn't happened since season one for me and this show! Season three gets a gold star so far! And next week . . . Ethan is straight now, Ben is pissed off, and Brian is offering advice which Justin doesn't appreciate.