By Phluphee
[email protected]
Well�I just finished watching the season finale for season 3 and it was fan-fucking-tastic. Since I have some free time between seasons, I figured I�d start off with Season 1 and relive the whole experience again. This time writing down my thoughts and feelings about the evolution of the characters: their trial and tribulations, etc. So, off we go with the very first episode��.
We pan a club full of hot, sweaty men (and one woman with heart lights on her nipples�who the hell is she?). It�s Babylon, the ultimate playground for gay men or so we find out through Mikey�s voice over. Apparently gay men think about sex every nine seconds and rotate partners like a chicken on a rotisserie. According to Mikey it�s 1 a.m. and instead of being in bed where he�s supposed to be he�s grooving to the thumpa thumpa and hoping to get laid. We focus in on some hot stud leaning against the bar only to find out that�s how Mikey wishes he looked. Instead he tells us that he�s the �semi-cute, boy next door type, 5�10� and 140 lbs. Now, although the hot stud was fine fine fine. I wouldn�t go throwin� Mikey out for eating cookies in bed if you know what I mean. He�s adorable (and fuckable). On the left side of Mikey we got to take a peek at Emmett dawned in a tight hot pink lycra shirt (that exposes a bit of his hairy trail) and a pair of red leather pants. From the voice over we find out that Emmett is campy and the queerest of the bunch. (Well duh! I think the outfit pretty much speaks volumes.) And to our right is Ted. Either he has some bad fashion taste or he wore his work clothes to the club.
The trio starts dishing about the music.
Emmett: When did 70�s night become 80�s night?
(Let�s hear it for the boy is playing in the background.)
Ted: I remember this song from high school. I�m feeling ancient.
(Ew..so am I.)
Emmett: Speak for yourself, honey. I was a mere child. (Somehow I don�t believe that) Give the divas of disco any day�Gloria Gaynor.
Ted: Donna Summer
Mike: And miss Alicia Bridges�
They break into song diva-ing it up: �I love the night life�I love to boogie� Well until a hot-bod walks by and all are distracted (Even me�Yowsa! Love the extras on this show!) Ted says something defacing about himself. Who needs enemies when you can do all the work yourself?
Mikey voices over about how Ted has a big heart but no one are interested in that organ. Actually, I think Ted is kind of cute in a nerdy way. He seems rather sweet. Maybe if he changed out of his work clothes he�d get more dick.
Once again Mikey drums it in our heads that this world is all about sex. We beeline through the crowded dance floor. And there in all his glory is Brian �The Predator� Kinney. He dances with some buffed-out stud eyeing like a piece of meat. Brian leads the hottie through a bunch of chains into the backroom. Mikey follows after him. There is flesh everywhere. Men doing the unmentionable (in public) in every position. Mikey walks by a friend while he�s getting plowed.
Mike: Hey Todd. How�s it going?
Todd: (He manages to grunt out) Fine.
(How come Mikey doesn�t have any manners?)
Mikey finds Brian in the corner just about to get a blowjob from his piece of meat. Mike complains that they want to go and that everyone is hungry. Brian says he won�t take but ten minutes.
Emmett and Ted are waiting outside. Mikey strolls up and Ted wants to know how long they have to wait for Kinney. He has to work in the morning. (Yeah who doesn�t?) Mikey tells the boys that Kinney said he�d be right out. Emmett says sarcastically that he�s heard that one before.
Ted: It�s a great system he�s got. He gets to party all night and you get to take him home.
Mikey: It�s not big deal, OK?
Ted notices some guy (in the ugliest orange shirt) casing Mikey. Mikey says the guy has been cruising him all night and he�s not interested. Emmett sizes up the guy
Mikey: Would you quit staring there�s more to a guy than his cock size.
Emmett: (Still looking, gives Mikey a nod) Hmm�.
Mikey (takes another look)�or his perfectly shaped ass.
Ted: Which is why you read all those comic books with those super heroes and their little tights..for the plot.
Mikey: I told you I�m not interested.
Ted: Well, maybe just for once you should be. Show a certain someone he�s not the only one who can score.
I agree with Ted. What the hell is Mikey standing around for? Go with hot stud in the ugly orange shirt. Now! But of course he doesn�t. He�s being the committed (stupid) friend and waiting for his buddy to come out from the backroom blow job (hmm..there�s something wrong with this picture..can anyone say �doormat�?)
We cut to the most adorable blond boy I�ve ever seen. He looks like innocence wrapped up in a bow. Blonde boy lights a cigarette looking around bewildered. He walks up to a guy standing next to a pole (or it could be a street sign. I�m not sure) and asks where�s a good place to go. They guy says it depends on what you want.
The Guy: You want twinkies go to Boy Toy. You want leather go to Meathook. If you want snotty conceded assholes who think their better than everyone else, try Pistol. It�s kind of late to be out. Especially on a school night. Why don�t you come home with me, huh?
Blonde boy declines. (Yeah..the guy was ugly anyway). The guy tells blonde boy to scamper on home to his mommy. (Wow! Queers are vicious.) Blonde boy walks across the street a little flustered.
Brian comes out of the club complaining that he got bored and starts to get in the front seat of the jeep.
Emmett: I know. Gettting your dick sucked can be so tedious (You tell him Emmett!)
The trio start to get into Brian�s jeep, when out of the shadows appears the tight-ass-virgin-blonde-boy-twink. (Who should be scampering off to his mommy. Oh and how many shirts is he wearing?) Blonde-boy leans up against the light post. Brian stares at virgin-blonde-boy hungrily, like a lion to his prey. Blonde-boy notices Brian and they exchange a long stare. (Can anyone say �sex�?)
Mikey: And that�s when it happened. When HE came along.
Mikey looks over the jeep at the kid and does not look happy. He knows this is the beginning of the end. Tight-ass-virgin-blonde-boy-twink is going to do some irreversible damage.
Brian struts up to the twink and invades the boys personal space in a big way. He�s fucking the kids with his green eyes. The blonde twink looks dumbfounded but his tries to keep his cool.
Brian: How�s it going? Had a busy night?
Twink: Just�checking out the bars. You know..Boy Toy�Meat hook (Good one kid! Try and bullshit your way out this one. Too bad Brian calls his bluff.)
Brian: The meat hook. Really? So, you�re into leather?
(He stares up at Brian confidently)
Twink: Sure
Brian: Where you headed?
Twink: No place special
Brian: I can change that.
Wow! After that scene I need to take a cold shower. The sexual tension was almost too much to bear.
Hahahha! The next scene we see the trio standing on the sidewalk while Brian and Twink are in the jeep. Emmett asks how they are going to get home and Brian tells them to take Ted�s car. Mikey yells �Asshole!� as the Brian screeches off. On the way to Ted�s car Mikey spots badly-dressed-stalker guy with the big package. He grumbles to him that he�s NOT interested.
Brian struts into his loft, peels off his leather jacket and throws it toward the couch (to the right). Frightened, Twink stands near the door not sure whether to enter the lion�s den or run free with the other gazelle (I mean Twinks.)
Brian: Coming in?
Twink: Huh�uh yeah (He smiles brightly)
Brian: (Getting water from the fridge) Shut the door.
Twink takes a deep breath and slams the loft door and any chance of escape. He sealed his doom. Poor Twink. He has no idea how this little this incident is going to change the course of his life.
Brian wastes no time and takes off his shirt. Twink looks around and comments on the loft. Brian pours the remaining bottle of water over his head. We watch in slow motion as the droplets trickle down his head, his neck and then his hard, tanned chest. Twink is turned on and scared. (I think I am too.) He mutters something about how he likes the kitchen. Brian asks the kid if he likes special K. Twink answers he likes Cheerios better (Oh my Goddess, he is just so adorable and na�ve.) Brian says he doesn�t mean the kind you eat with bananas. He takes a little package out of his pocket and tells the kid that his disco pharmacologist cooked it up for him. Twink says he�s allergic to just about everything even Tylenol. They quibble over whether anyone can be allergic to Tylenol. In the mean time Brian unbuttons his pants and Twink looks more and more nervous. He blabbers on about how Codeine is the worst it makes him have diarrhea and vomit at the same time (Wow with delivery like that. Who needs romance? I�m in the mood now!) Brian says that he�ll be sure to keep that one on the top shelf out of reach as he takes off his pants. We are graced with a terrific shot of his g-stringed ass. Brian slips off his thong and stands naked with his arms outstretched.
Brian: So are you coming or going? Or coming then going? Or coming then staying. (If it were me I�d pick coming. Don�t care if I go or stay, just as long as I�m coming.)
Twink looks stressed, but he knows that he�s been challenged and there�s no more time for babbling on about allergies. It�s time to get to business or get the hell out. So, Twink takes off his blue jacket, throw it and walks up to Brian (he�s still wearing like six shirts.) Brian sort of toys with him bit, staring at him, almost kissing him. Then he plants one the kid that makes even me swoon. We get this really dizzy spin montage of them kissing. Twink looks scared at first but then he�s really getting into it and kisses back. The camera keeps going around and around. (Wow�it�s getting really hot in here�Whew!)
Ted drops off Mikey and Emmett at their apartment building. Badly-dressed-stalker-guy pulls up and parks across the street and a few cars down. Emmett notices stalker-guy getting out of his car. Mikey still says he�s not interested. But Emmett reminds him that he hasn�t had sex in forever. So, Mikey invites the guy up.
We are back at Brian�s loft. Twink is lying down on the bed while Brian is sitting on top of him giving a hand job. Twink is enjoying himself waaaaaay toooooo much. Brian tells him not to cum yet. Twink says he�ll try. You can see how his little toes curl that he�s trying all his might to keep it under control. But he�s so inexperienced that it�s taking everything he has not to cum. He puts his hand to Brian�s chest and blurts out �STOP!� Brian stops but doesn�t let go. You can tell that he�s truly enjoying this. He seems almost charmed by this little blonde boy.
Brian: So. What do you like to do?
Twink: Do? I don�t know. Watch TV, play Tom Raider (Again. He�s the most innocent little thing. Like a lost little puppy.)
Brian: (laughs) I mean in bed.
Twink: Oh? This is fine.
Brian: (batting the little puppy around) Are you a top or a bottom?
Twink: Top�and bottom.
Brian: Oh you�re versatile then.
Twink: And (can use both hands..put word here can�t spell it.) Which was really confusing at first because I could never understand which hand to throw with. (Too cute. His eyes totally lit up)
Brian: Do you like to rim?
Twink: Sure..I love it! (He tries so hard to look believable)
Brian: Good. Go to it. (pause) Well.
Twink: Well..What exactly do you mean?
Well Twink is off the hook because the phone rings. Brian talks on the phone and starts to Jack Twink off again. He asks a lot of who? What? When? Where? questions. In the meantime Twink cums all over Brian. Brian has a drama queen moment and yells at Twink for getting cum all over his new duvet. Twink apologizes profusely. The person on the other line asks who it is. And Brian says it�s some kid. He asks Twink for his name. Twinks says his name is Justin (Twink has a name. Who knew?) Brian says he�ll be right there and hangs up the phone. Hmm�I wonder where he�s going?
Mikey and Badly-dressed-stalker guy are making out. Emmett walks by with his milk and cookies. Mikey says that�s his friend Emmett who has been staying at his house temporarily for two years. Yeah. Temporary, like a tattoo. Badly-dressed-stalker-guy doesn�t want the back story he just wants Mikey�s backside. Mikey comments on how firm stalker boy�s ass is, puts his hand down stalker guys pants and pulls out �the butt�. No, not the guy�s butt, but a plastic butt enhancer. Mikey looks a little scared (I am too. Run Mikey Run!) The phone rings. It�s Brian. IT happened. Mikey is all a twitter. More Who? What? When? Where? questions. Brian says he�ll be there in two minutes. Mikey says he um..kind of busy. Brian is all proud that Mikey is finally getting some. But then stalker guy pulls out his plastic dick (I guess there was some sort of 2 for 1 deal). Brian winces and tells Brian to pick him up right away.
Brian is in a scurry and throws Justin�s clothes at him and tells him to hurry up, get up and go home. Just says he can�t go home because his parents think he�s staying at friend�s house. He�s still in school. (er�college) Brian wants to know how old Justin is and after a countdown worthy of a rocket launch we find out that he is the tender age of 17. Brian sits down and softens up a bit. With a little prodding he tells Brian that this is his first experience. Brian says he thought so. Then, something weird happens. Brian cuts the bullshit fa�ade and tells Justin about his first time. Brian blew his gym teacher in the school showers when he was 14.
Justin: He let you? (Gasp! Shock!)
Brian: (indignant) Let me? He loved it! (Yeah damn it!)
Justin: I bet you were scared.
Brian: Well, I guess were all a little scared our first time. (He stands up and stares at Justin) But I don�t remember anymore. (Couldn�t be nice for too long. Someone may accuse him of being human.)
Brian picks up Mikey. Mikey is more than just a little annoyed the Justin is going with them. In the next scene the three are running down the hallway of a hospital. They stumble into a room full of lesbians. The sea is parted and we focus on a lesbian couple. A blonde woman says with a big smile: �Say hello to your son.�
Yeah. This show is just getting weird. Could we bypass this whole plot point and get back to rimming?
Brian tentatively walks over to the baby and picks him up. The blonde�s partner tells him not to drop him. Blonde woman says that Mel (her lover) wants to name the baby Abraham after her grandfather. But she likes Gus. Brian asks Justin what he thinks. Justin tells Brian that the kid will never survive in school with a name like Abraham. So he picks Gus. Mel is pissed.
Mel: Thank you very much and who the hell are you? (Down bitch! Down!)
Brian: His name is J�J�.(You need to write this shit down)
Mikey: Justin
Brian: You were on the phone when he shot his load all over me. (All the carpet munchers groan. Justin looks mortified.) He can�t help it. He�s only 17.
Mel: Well you and Lindsay each had a baby tonight. (She�s a bitch. I like her)
Brian leans against a ledge, outside, smoking. Mikes comes out to check up on his friend. They talk about how a baby is a ticking time clock. A forever reminder of their mortality. Brian asks why Mikey didn�t stop him and Mikey explains that he did, but Lindsay got the better of his ego. Brian stands up on the ledge and plays a perfect drama queen.
Brian: I could end it all right now.
Mikey: Oh that would be dramatic. Just like ER. Birth and Death in the same episode. Now get down!
Brian: No you have to come get me.
Mikey: I�m serious. Stop clowning.
Brian: Or I�ll JUMP!�
Brian holds out his hand. Mikey takes it and stands on the ledge with him. Brian puts Mikey in front of him and holds him around the waist. Mikey is holding to Brian�s thighs, terrified.
Brian: C�mon Mikey let�s fly. Like all those comic books. I�m superman. I�ll show you the world.
Mikey: Why do I always have to be Lois Lane? (Cuz you�re the bitch!)
Mikey turns himself around and holds on to Brian for dear life. He says congratulations dad and kisses Brian on the lips. The hold each other in a tight embrace. We can see that these two men have history under their belts. They cannot co-exist with out each other. And yet they aren�t together even though Mikey seems to have a longing look in his eyes.
Brian and Mikey are walking down the hall back to the lesbian�s room. Brian takes a tab out of his pocket and asks Mikey if he wants some. Mikey declines and Brian pops the sucker in his mouth. He finds Justin getting his palm read by a muncher and tells him to follow Mikey to the car. He�ll be down in a minute. Brian goes to see Lindsay. Mel leaves to get ice chips and something fizzy. Lindsay begins to cry. She can�t believe they are really grown-ups. Brian says he would have fucked her. Lindsay laughs. Brian tells Lindsay not to worry about money. He will provide for his kid. They kiss. Mel clears her throat in the doorway, obviously annoyed.
Mikey drives the jeep while Brian snogs Justin in the back seat. Mikey looks in the rearview mirror and asks Brian what he�s on. Brian goes through the first part of the alphabet until he hits �E�. Brian tells Justin he�s gonna fuck him all night (what a charmer) and then proceeds to unzip his fly and go down on him. Mikey ain�t gonna have any of that! He swerves the jeep all over the road. Brian sits up and does his best pissed routine. But, it doesn�t phase Mikey. He cites that he didn�t want to run over the poor little doggy in the road (Mikey should know about doggies, since he�s the one being the the BITCH!) Mikey asks �boy wonder� (more like tight-ass-Twink) where he lives cuz the only ride he�s getting is the one to his doorstep. Brian says that the only place Twink is going is home with him. Mikey doeth protest too much. But in the end, Twink goes home with Brian, and Mikey is left with the Jeep (and a raging hard-on).
In the next scene Justin learns what rimming is. It has nothing to do with basketball.
We are back in the limp dick zone (aka Mikey and Emmett�s house) Mikey is pissed! Whine whine whine. He tells an unsympathetic Emmett that Brian dragged him to the hospital on the only night he had a potential lay (Mikey must have amnesia, cuz from what I remember he practically begged to go.) He gives Emmett the �I�m so horny, I think I�m going to die� routine and Emmett hands him a copy of �Schindler�s Fist�. Then he trots off to bed.
Back in the lion�s den, Justin is about to be deflowered by Brian �Backend� Kinney. He looks really nervous and tells Brian that in his class they had a lecture about safe sex. Brian tells him it�s now time for a demonstration and makes Justin put the condom on. Brian lubes him up. Justin squeals that it�s cold. Brian says don�t worry it�s gonna warm up and he starts to put it in. Justin asks Brian to go slow. Brian says he will and sticks it in. Justin asks Brian if it always hurts like that. Brian says a little, but that�s part of it.
Brian: Now relax�I want you always to remember this�.So that no matter who you�re ever with. I�ll always be there. (Wow..could he be anymore sexy!)
Then Brian fucks Justin to Heaven and then back to Pittsburgh.
Mikey is sleeping on the couch. He is awakened by the sound of breaking glass and goes to the window. A gaggle of little brats are spray painting the jeep and smashing it up. Mikey runs outside. The kids take off and yell he�s a faggot. Mikey runs after them wanting to know who's the faggot. Well, considering he�s the only one wearing a pink Babylon shirt, I suspect it�s him. Emmett comes out of the apartment building and takes a look at the brats� art. He was going to ask for a ride, but he�d rather walk than be caught dead in the jeep.
The alarm goes off at the loft. Brian rolls onto Twink to turn it off and lies flat on his back. Justin wakes up all googlie-eyed ( Me thinks Twink has a school boy crush) He tentatively puts his hand on Brian�s shoulder, waits a second to see the reaction, and then drapes his whole arm over his chest. Brian rolls over and snuggles Twink (umm�.why is Pittsburgh�s biggest whore cuddling? Do my eyes deceive or could he be enjoying this?) Brian snaps up shocked to see someone else in his bed. He asks Twink (Tight ass no more) what the fuck he is still doing there? (Well good morning to you too!). Twink tells Brian he said he could stay. Brian has a vague memory of parents and not being able to go home because he�s staying at a friend�s house. (Now let�s see if he can remember his name) Apparently after plowing Twink, Brian decided to do hand stands and juggle. But according to Twink he wasn�t very good. Brian complains that his disco pharmacologist cooked up bath-tub batch of some shit that wasn�t �E�. Yeah, if he�s juggling he probably got a little too fucked up. Brian says he�ll drive Twink home, but Twink reminds him that Mikey has the jeep. Brian insists he remember everything, and doesn�t want Twink to give him any details. But then he asks Twink his name again. Justin DAMN it! I want to tattoo it on his forehead so he doesn�t forget!
Justin wants to take a shower. Brian tells him to make it quick. He peels himself out of bed and walks over to the message machine. There are a few nasty messages from Melanie about Lindsay going into labor. Suddenly it dawns on him
Brian: FUCK! I have a baby! (He hears the shower running.) Two babies.
Brian gets into the shower with Justin and asks why he didn't tell him he had a kid. Justin says he thought he remembered everything. Brian says it all happened to fast. He picks up the soap and starts lathering the kid up while they are talking. Brian asks what's his kid's name (Holy Christ on a crutch! What's the matter with this guy? Get a fucking notebook. Write this shit down for future reference!) Justin tells him the kids name is Gus. Justin wants to know why Brian did it. Brian says he did it because Lindsay is his friend and all women want babies. Justin asks even lesbians? Brian quips that even lesbians are women (well sort of). He wants to know if he fucked Lindsay to make Gus. (Yeah! I want to know too. They seem a little too chummy for my taste..) Brian thinks Justin is being rude, but tells him that he jerked off in a cup (I�m telling you who needs roses when you have the sultry words of Kinney!) Justin (full of questions) wants to know who will raise Gus. The munchers will, of course. Brian is basically deemed as sperm donor, pocket book and masculine influence. (That sounds like the mechanics of every hetro couple I know. The irony.) Justin counters that Mel could probably do a better job in the masculine dept. Brian smacks his cute little ass and tell him not to be such a snot. Then he asks if Justin is up for some more. (Who isn�t at this point with all that soap lathering?) He slams the kid up against the shower glass and fucks him some more.
Mikey screeches up to Brian�s apartment building and yells his name. He opens the door to the loft to find the pair making out as they put on clothes. Mikey wants to know why Twink is still there. Brian says that he didn�t want Justin to leave without a high protein breakfast as he goes into the kitchen. Mikey walks over to Justin and snaps at him to hurry up. He�s not going to be late because of him. (Hmm�Jealous much?)
The trio walk outside. They all stare at the jeep. Brian and Mikey start squabbling about the car. Justin starts to laugh. Mikey wants to know what the fuck he�s laughing at (Somebody forgot to take their Prozac). Justin says that Brian and Mikey act like his parents. Brian says they have to take the kid to school. Mikey doesn�t think it�s a good idea, but Justin doesn�t care. So they head off. Brian speeds up the street almost hitting a gaggle of student. He screeches in front of the school and the car goes sideways. In bright pink letters the side of the jeep says �FAGGOT�. Justin looks completely embarrassed and ducks down in his seat. Mikey and Brian joke around about Justin coming home straight home after school. Justin turns redder. Mikey is lovin� it.
Some brat yells: Hey Justin. Wanna suck me off?
A bunch of kids start laughing. A pissed off Brian gets out of the car.
Brian: No! But I�ll kick your tight little virgin ass so hard you won�t sit down for a week!
The kid runs off with his tail between his legs.
Justin is totally amazed and Mikey is now the embarrassed one. Justin jumps out of the back of the jeep with a big grin on his face. He faces Brian.
Justin: When can I see you again?
Brian: You can see me right now?
Justin: I mean later tonight.
Brian: Who knows where I�ll be later tonight.
Mikey looks smug. He�s enjoying the Twink getting the shaft.
Mikey: You�d better go (I�m not liking him too much right now)
Justin: Please (With cute little puppy dog eyes)
Brian: I�ll see you in your dreams.
Brian gets in the car and drives off. Justin looks crestfallen. Justin walks up to a girl he seems to know well.
She says: Where have you been? You�re mom called and I said you were still asleep.
Justin: I saw the face of God. His name is Brian Kinney.
Brian and Mikey are in the jeep.
Mikey: I�m glad he�s finally gone (Yeah. I bet you are drama queen)
Brian: He almost wore me out (Could it be that Twink got under his skin..hmmm)
Mikey: Somebody wore you out?
Brian: I said almost.
Brian says he�ll drop Mikey off at work. Mikey says no fucking way he�s going to be dropped off in the faggot-mobile. He tells Brian to get the damn thing repainted before he goes to the office (well..at least Mikey at one good idea.) Brian says he�s not having it repainted. It�s a company car and he likes it that way. Mikey says he�s crazy. Brian says he�s not crazy THEY (hetro people?) are and yells out
FAGGOT!!!!!!
Queer as Folk
Season 1 Episode 1
By Phluphee
Well�I just finished watching the season finale for season 3 and it was fan-fucking-tastic. Since I have some free time between seasons, I figured I�d start off with Season 1 and relive the whole experience again. This time writing down my thoughts and feelings about the evolution of the characters: their trial and tribulations, etc. So, off we go with the very first episode��.
We pan a club full of hot, sweaty men (and one woman with heart lights on her nipples�who the hell is she?). It�s Babylon, the ultimate playground for gay men or so we find out through Mikey�s voice over. Apparently gay men think about sex every nine seconds and rotate partners like a chicken on a rotisserie. According to Mikey it�s 1 a.m. and instead of being in bed where he�s supposed to be he�s grooving to the thumpa thumpa and hoping to get laid. We focus in on some hot stud leaning against the bar only to find out that�s how Mikey wishes he looked. Instead he tells us that he�s the �semi-cute, boy next door type, 5�10� and 140 lbs. Now, although the hot stud was fine fine fine. I wouldn�t go throwin� Mikey out for eating cookies in bed if you know what I mean. He�s adorable (and fuckable). On the left side of Mikey we got to take a peek at Emmett dawned in a tight hot pink lycra shirt (that exposes a bit of his hairy trail) and a pair of red leather pants. From the voice over we find out that Emmett is campy and the queerest of the bunch. (Well duh! I think the outfit pretty much speaks volumes.) And to our right is Ted. Either he has some bad fashion taste or he wore his work clothes to the club.
The trio starts dishing about the music.
Emmett: When did 70�s night become 80�s night?
(Let�s hear it for the boy is playing in the background.)
Ted: I remember this song from high school. I�m feeling ancient.
(Ew..so am I.)
Emmett: Speak for yourself, honey. I was a mere child. (Somehow I don�t believe that) Give the divas of disco any day�Gloria Gaynor.
Ted: Donna Summer
Mike: And miss Alicia Bridges�
They break into song diva-ing it up: �I love the night life�I love to boogie� Well until a hot-bod walks by and all are distracted (Even me�Yowsa! Love the extras on this show!) Ted says something defacing about himself. Who needs enemies when you can do all the work yourself?
Mikey voices over about how Ted has a big heart but no one are interested in that organ. Actually, I think Ted is kind of cute in a nerdy way. He seems rather sweet. Maybe if he changed out of his work clothes he�d get more dick.
Once again Mikey drums it in our heads that this world is all about sex. We beeline through the crowded dance floor. And there in all his glory is Brian �The Predator� Kinney. He dances with some buffed-out stud eyeing like a piece of meat. Brian leads the hottie through a bunch of chains into the backroom. Mikey follows after him. There is flesh everywhere. Men doing the unmentionable (in public) in every position. Mikey walks by a friend while he�s getting plowed.
Mike: Hey Todd. How�s it going?
Todd: (He manages to grunt out) Fine.
(How come Mikey doesn�t have any manners?)
Mikey finds Brian in the corner just about to get a blowjob from his piece of meat. Mike complains that they want to go and that everyone is hungry. Brian says he won�t take but ten minutes.
Emmett and Ted are waiting outside. Mikey strolls up and Ted wants to know how long they have to wait for Kinney. He has to work in the morning. (Yeah who doesn�t?) Mikey tells the boys that Kinney said he�d be right out. Emmett says sarcastically that he�s heard that one before.
Ted: It�s a great system he�s got. He gets to party all night and you get to take him home.
Mikey: It�s not big deal, OK?
Ted notices some guy (in the ugliest orange shirt) casing Mikey. Mikey says the guy has been cruising him all night and he�s not interested. Emmett sizes up the guy
Mikey: Would you quit staring there�s more to a guy than his cock size.
Emmett: (Still looking, gives Mikey a nod) Hmm�.
Mikey (takes another look)�or his perfectly shaped ass.
Ted: Which is why you read all those comic books with those super heroes and their little tights..for the plot.
Mikey: I told you I�m not interested.
Ted: Well, maybe just for once you should be. Show a certain someone he�s not the only one who can score.
I agree with Ted. What the hell is Mikey standing around for? Go with hot stud in the ugly orange shirt. Now! But of course he doesn�t. He�s being the committed (stupid) friend and waiting for his buddy to come out from the backroom blow job (hmm..there�s something wrong with this picture..can anyone say �doormat�?)
We cut to the most adorable blond boy I�ve ever seen. He looks like innocence wrapped up in a bow. Blonde boy lights a cigarette looking around bewildered. He walks up to a guy standing next to a pole (or it could be a street sign. I�m not sure) and asks where�s a good place to go. They guy says it depends on what you want.
The Guy: You want twinkies go to Boy Toy. You want leather go to Meathook. If you want snotty conceded assholes who think their better than everyone else, try Pistol. It�s kind of late to be out. Especially on a school night. Why don�t you come home with me, huh?
Blonde boy declines. (Yeah..the guy was ugly anyway). The guy tells blonde boy to scamper on home to his mommy. (Wow! Queers are vicious.) Blonde boy walks across the street a little flustered.
Brian comes out of the club complaining that he got bored and starts to get in the front seat of the jeep.
Emmett: I know. Gettting your dick sucked can be so tedious (You tell him Emmett!)
The trio start to get into Brian�s jeep, when out of the shadows appears the tight-ass-virgin-blonde-boy-twink. (Who should be scampering off to his mommy. Oh and how many shirts is he wearing?) Blonde-boy leans up against the light post. Brian stares at virgin-blonde-boy hungrily, like a lion to his prey. Blonde-boy notices Brian and they exchange a long stare. (Can anyone say �sex�?)
Mikey: And that�s when it happened. When HE came along.
Mikey looks over the jeep at the kid and does not look happy. He knows this is the beginning of the end. Tight-ass-virgin-blonde-boy-twink is going to do some irreversible damage.
Brian struts up to the twink and invades the boys personal space in a big way. He�s fucking the kids with his green eyes. The blonde twink looks dumbfounded but his tries to keep his cool.
Brian: How�s it going? Had a busy night?
Twink: Just�checking out the bars. You know..Boy Toy�Meat hook (Good one kid! Try and bullshit your way out this one. Too bad Brian calls his bluff.)
Brian: The meat hook. Really? So, you�re into leather?
(He stares up at Brian confidently)
Twink: Sure
Brian: Where you headed?
Twink: No place special
Brian: I can change that.
Wow! After that scene I need to take a cold shower. The sexual tension was almost too much to bear.
Hahahha! The next scene we see the trio standing on the sidewalk while Brian and Twink are in the jeep. Emmett asks how they are going to get home and Brian tells them to take Ted�s car. Mikey yells �Asshole!� as the Brian screeches off. On the way to Ted�s car Mikey spots badly-dressed-stalker guy with the big package. He grumbles to him that he�s NOT interested.
Brian struts into his loft, peels off his leather jacket and throws it toward the couch (to the right). Frightened, Twink stands near the door not sure whether to enter the lion�s den or run free with the other gazelle (I mean Twinks.)
Brian: Coming in?
Twink: Huh�uh yeah (He smiles brightly)
Brian: (Getting water from the fridge) Shut the door.
Twink takes a deep breath and slams the loft door and any chance of escape. He sealed his doom. Poor Twink. He has no idea how this little this incident is going to change the course of his life.
Brian wastes no time and takes off his shirt. Twink looks around and comments on the loft. Brian pours the remaining bottle of water over his head. We watch in slow motion as the droplets trickle down his head, his neck and then his hard, tanned chest. Twink is turned on and scared. (I think I am too.) He mutters something about how he likes the kitchen. Brian asks the kid if he likes special K. Twink answers he likes Cheerios better (Oh my Goddess, he is just so adorable and na�ve.) Brian says he doesn�t mean the kind you eat with bananas. He takes a little package out of his pocket and tells the kid that his disco pharmacologist cooked it up for him. Twink says he�s allergic to just about everything even Tylenol. They quibble over whether anyone can be allergic to Tylenol. In the mean time Brian unbuttons his pants and Twink looks more and more nervous. He blabbers on about how Codeine is the worst it makes him have diarrhea and vomit at the same time (Wow with delivery like that. Who needs romance? I�m in the mood now!) Brian says that he�ll be sure to keep that one on the top shelf out of reach as he takes off his pants. We are graced with a terrific shot of his g-stringed ass. Brian slips off his thong and stands naked with his arms outstretched.
Brian: So are you coming or going? Or coming then going? Or coming then staying. (If it were me I�d pick coming. Don�t care if I go or stay, just as long as I�m coming.)
Twink looks stressed, but he knows that he�s been challenged and there�s no more time for babbling on about allergies. It�s time to get to business or get the hell out. So, Twink takes off his blue jacket, throw it and walks up to Brian (he�s still wearing like six shirts.) Brian sort of toys with him bit, staring at him, almost kissing him. Then he plants one the kid that makes even me swoon. We get this really dizzy spin montage of them kissing. Twink looks scared at first but then he�s really getting into it and kisses back. The camera keeps going around and around. (Wow�it�s getting really hot in here�Whew!)
Ted drops off Mikey and Emmett at their apartment building. Badly-dressed-stalker-guy pulls up and parks across the street and a few cars down. Emmett notices stalker-guy getting out of his car. Mikey still says he�s not interested. But Emmett reminds him that he hasn�t had sex in forever. So, Mikey invites the guy up.
We are back at Brian�s loft. Twink is lying down on the bed while Brian is sitting on top of him giving a hand job. Twink is enjoying himself waaaaaay toooooo much. Brian tells him not to cum yet. Twink says he�ll try. You can see how his little toes curl that he�s trying all his might to keep it under control. But he�s so inexperienced that it�s taking everything he has not to cum. He puts his hand to Brian�s chest and blurts out �STOP!� Brian stops but doesn�t let go. You can tell that he�s truly enjoying this. He seems almost charmed by this little blonde boy.
Brian: So. What do you like to do?
Twink: Do? I don�t know. Watch TV, play Tom Raider (Again. He�s the most innocent little thing. Like a lost little puppy.)
Brian: (laughs) I mean in bed.
Twink: Oh? This is fine.
Brian: (batting the little puppy around) Are you a top or a bottom?
Twink: Top�and bottom.
Brian: Oh you�re versatile then.
Twink: And (can use both hands..put word here can�t spell it.) Which was really confusing at first because I could never understand which hand to throw with. (Too cute. His eyes totally lit up)
Brian: Do you like to rim?
Twink: Sure..I love it! (He tries so hard to look believable)
Brian: Good. Go to it. (pause) Well.
Twink: Well..What exactly do you mean?
Well Twink is off the hook because the phone rings. Brian talks on the phone and starts to Jack Twink off again. He asks a lot of who? What? When? Where? questions. In the meantime Twink cums all over Brian. Brian has a drama queen moment and yells at Twink for getting cum all over his new duvet. Twink apologizes profusely. The person on the other line asks who it is. And Brian says it�s some kid. He asks Twink for his name. Twinks says his name is Justin (Twink has a name. Who knew?) Brian says he�ll be right there and hangs up the phone. Hmm�I wonder where he�s going?
Mikey and Badly-dressed-stalker guy are making out. Emmett walks by with his milk and cookies. Mikey says that�s his friend Emmett who has been staying at his house temporarily for two years. Yeah. Temporary, like a tattoo. Badly-dressed-stalker-guy doesn�t want the back story he just wants Mikey�s backside. Mikey comments on how firm stalker boy�s ass is, puts his hand down stalker guys pants and pulls out �the butt�. No, not the guy�s butt, but a plastic butt enhancer. Mikey looks a little scared (I am too. Run Mikey Run!) The phone rings. It�s Brian. IT happened. Mikey is all a twitter. More Who? What? When? Where? questions. Brian says he�ll be there in two minutes. Mikey says he um..kind of busy. Brian is all proud that Mikey is finally getting some. But then stalker guy pulls out his plastic dick (I guess there was some sort of 2 for 1 deal). Brian winces and tells Brian to pick him up right away.
Brian is in a scurry and throws Justin�s clothes at him and tells him to hurry up, get up and go home. Just says he can�t go home because his parents think he�s staying at friend�s house. He�s still in school. (er�college) Brian wants to know how old Justin is and after a countdown worthy of a rocket launch we find out that he is the tender age of 17. Brian sits down and softens up a bit. With a little prodding he tells Brian that this is his first experience. Brian says he thought so. Then, something weird happens. Brian cuts the bullshit fa�ade and tells Justin about his first time. Brian blew his gym teacher in the school showers when he was 14.
Justin: He let you? (Gasp! Shock!)
Brian: (indignant) Let me? He loved it! (Yeah damn it!)
Justin: I bet you were scared.
Brian: Well, I guess were all a little scared our first time. (He stands up and stares at Justin) But I don�t remember anymore. (Couldn�t be nice for too long. Someone may accuse him of being human.)
Brian picks up Mikey. Mikey is more than just a little annoyed the Justin is going with them. In the next scene the three are running down the hallway of a hospital. They stumble into a room full of lesbians. The sea is parted and we focus on a lesbian couple. A blonde woman says with a big smile: �Say hello to your son.�
Yeah. This show is just getting weird. Could we bypass this whole plot point and get back to rimming?
Brian tentatively walks over to the baby and picks him up. The blonde�s partner tells him not to drop him. Blonde woman says that Mel (her lover) wants to name the baby Abraham after her grandfather. But she likes Gus. Brian asks Justin what he thinks. Justin tells Brian that the kid will never survive in school with a name like Abraham. So he picks Gus. Mel is pissed.
Mel: Thank you very much and who the hell are you? (Down bitch! Down!)
Brian: His name is J�J�.(You need to write this shit down)
Mikey: Justin
Brian: You were on the phone when he shot his load all over me. (All the carpet munchers groan. Justin looks mortified.) He can�t help it. He�s only 17.
Mel: Well you and Lindsay each had a baby tonight. (She�s a bitch. I like her)
Brian leans against a ledge, outside, smoking. Mikes comes out to check up on his friend. They talk about how a baby is a ticking time clock. A forever reminder of their mortality. Brian asks why Mikey didn�t stop him and Mikey explains that he did, but Lindsay got the better of his ego. Brian stands up on the ledge and plays a perfect drama queen.
Brian: I could end it all right now.
Mikey: Oh that would be dramatic. Just like ER. Birth and Death in the same episode. Now get down!
Brian: No you have to come get me.
Mikey: I�m serious. Stop clowning.
Brian: Or I�ll JUMP!�
Brian holds out his hand. Mikey takes it and stands on the ledge with him. Brian puts Mikey in front of him and holds him around the waist. Mikey is holding to Brian�s thighs, terrified.
Brian: C�mon Mikey let�s fly. Like all those comic books. I�m superman. I�ll show you the world.
Mikey: Why do I always have to be Lois Lane? (Cuz you�re the bitch!)
Mikey turns himself around and holds on to Brian for dear life. He says congratulations dad and kisses Brian on the lips. The hold each other in a tight embrace. We can see that these two men have history under their belts. They cannot co-exist with out each other. And yet they aren�t together even though Mikey seems to have a longing look in his eyes.
Brian and Mikey are walking down the hall back to the lesbian�s room. Brian takes a tab out of his pocket and asks Mikey if he wants some. Mikey declines and Brian pops the sucker in his mouth. He finds Justin getting his palm read by a muncher and tells him to follow Mikey to the car. He�ll be down in a minute. Brian goes to see Lindsay. Mel leaves to get ice chips and something fizzy. Lindsay begins to cry. She can�t believe they are really grown-ups. Brian says he would have fucked her. Lindsay laughs. Brian tells Lindsay not to worry about money. He will provide for his kid. They kiss. Mel clears her throat in the doorway, obviously annoyed.
Mikey drives the jeep while Brian snogs Justin in the back seat. Mikey looks in the rearview mirror and asks Brian what he�s on. Brian goes through the first part of the alphabet until he hits �E�. Brian tells Justin he�s gonna fuck him all night (what a charmer) and then proceeds to unzip his fly and go down on him. Mikey ain�t gonna have any of that! He swerves the jeep all over the road. Brian sits up and does his best pissed routine. But, it doesn�t phase Mikey. He cites that he didn�t want to run over the poor little doggy in the road (Mikey should know about doggies, since he�s the one being the the BITCH!) Mikey asks �boy wonder� (more like tight-ass-Twink) where he lives cuz the only ride he�s getting is the one to his doorstep. Brian says that the only place Twink is going is home with him. Mikey doeth protest too much. But in the end, Twink goes home with Brian, and Mikey is left with the Jeep (and a raging hard-on).
In the next scene Justin learns what rimming is. It has nothing to do with basketball.
We are back in the limp dick zone (aka Mikey and Emmett�s house) Mikey is pissed! Whine whine whine. He tells an unsympathetic Emmett that Brian dragged him to the hospital on the only night he had a potential lay (Mikey must have amnesia, cuz from what I remember he practically begged to go.) He gives Emmett the �I�m so horny, I think I�m going to die� routine and Emmett hands him a copy of �Schindler�s Fist�. Then he trots off to bed.
Back in the lion�s den, Justin is about to be deflowered by Brian �Backend� Kinney. He looks really nervous and tells Brian that in his class they had a lecture about safe sex. Brian tells him it�s now time for a demonstration and makes Justin put the condom on. Brian lubes him up. Justin squeals that it�s cold. Brian says don�t worry it�s gonna warm up and he starts to put it in. Justin asks Brian to go slow. Brian says he will and sticks it in. Justin asks Brian if it always hurts like that. Brian says a little, but that�s part of it.
Brian: Now relax�I want you always to remember this�.So that no matter who you�re ever with. I�ll always be there. (Wow..could he be anymore sexy!)
Then Brian fucks Justin to Heaven and then back to Pittsburgh.
Mikey is sleeping on the couch. He is awakened by the sound of breaking glass and goes to the window. A gaggle of little brats are spray painting the jeep and smashing it up. Mikey runs outside. The kids take off and yell he�s a faggot. Mikey runs after them wanting to know who's the faggot. Well, considering he�s the only one wearing a pink Babylon shirt, I suspect it�s him. Emmett comes out of the apartment building and takes a look at the brats� art. He was going to ask for a ride, but he�d rather walk than be caught dead in the jeep.
The alarm goes off at the loft. Brian rolls onto Twink to turn it off and lies flat on his back. Justin wakes up all googlie-eyed ( Me thinks Twink has a school boy crush) He tentatively puts his hand on Brian�s shoulder, waits a second to see the reaction, and then drapes his whole arm over his chest. Brian rolls over and snuggles Twink (umm�.why is Pittsburgh�s biggest whore cuddling? Do my eyes deceive or could he be enjoying this?) Brian snaps up shocked to see someone else in his bed. He asks Twink (Tight ass no more) what the fuck he is still doing there? (Well good morning to you too!). Twink tells Brian he said he could stay. Brian has a vague memory of parents and not being able to go home because he�s staying at a friend�s house. (Now let�s see if he can remember his name) Apparently after plowing Twink, Brian decided to do hand stands and juggle. But according to Twink he wasn�t very good. Brian complains that his disco pharmacologist cooked up bath-tub batch of some shit that wasn�t �E�. Yeah, if he�s juggling he probably got a little too fucked up. Brian says he�ll drive Twink home, but Twink reminds him that Mikey has the jeep. Brian insists he remember everything, and doesn�t want Twink to give him any details. But then he asks Twink his name again. Justin DAMN it! I want to tattoo it on his forehead so he doesn�t forget!
Justin wants to take a shower. Brian tells him to make it quick. He peels himself out of bed and walks over to the message machine. There are a few nasty messages from Melanie about Lindsay going into labor. Suddenly it dawns on him
Brian: FUCK! I have a baby! (He hears the shower running.) Two babies.
Brian gets into the shower with Justin and asks why he didn't tell him he had a kid. Justin says he thought he remembered everything. Brian says it all happened to fast. He picks up the soap and starts lathering the kid up while they are talking. Brian asks what's his kid's name (Holy Christ on a crutch! What's the matter with this guy? Get a fucking notebook. Write this shit down for future reference!) Justin tells him the kids name is Gus. Justin wants to know why Brian did it. Brian says he did it because Lindsay is his friend and all women want babies. Justin asks even lesbians? Brian quips that even lesbians are women (well sort of). He wants to know if he fucked Lindsay to make Gus. (Yeah! I want to know too. They seem a little too chummy for my taste..) Brian thinks Justin is being rude, but tells him that he jerked off in a cup (I�m telling you who needs roses when you have the sultry words of Kinney!) Justin (full of questions) wants to know who will raise Gus. The munchers will, of course. Brian is basically deemed as sperm donor, pocket book and masculine influence. (That sounds like the mechanics of every hetro couple I know. The irony.) Justin counters that Mel could probably do a better job in the masculine dept. Brian smacks his cute little ass and tell him not to be such a snot. Then he asks if Justin is up for some more. (Who isn�t at this point with all that soap lathering?) He slams the kid up against the shower glass and fucks him some more.
Mikey screeches up to Brian�s apartment building and yells his name. He opens the door to the loft to find the pair making out as they put on clothes. Mikey wants to know why Twink is still there. Brian says that he didn�t want Justin to leave without a high protein breakfast as he goes into the kitchen. Mikey walks over to Justin and snaps at him to hurry up. He�s not going to be late because of him. (Hmm�Jealous much?)
The trio walk outside. They all stare at the jeep. Brian and Mikey start squabbling about the car. Justin starts to laugh. Mikey wants to know what the fuck he�s laughing at (Somebody forgot to take their Prozac). Justin says that Brian and Mikey act like his parents. Brian says they have to take the kid to school. Mikey doesn�t think it�s a good idea, but Justin doesn�t care. So they head off. Brian speeds up the street almost hitting a gaggle of student. He screeches in front of the school and the car goes sideways. In bright pink letters the side of the jeep says �FAGGOT�. Justin looks completely embarrassed and ducks down in his seat. Mikey and Brian joke around about Justin coming home straight home after school. Justin turns redder. Mikey is lovin� it.
Some brat yells: Hey Justin. Wanna suck me off?
A bunch of kids start laughing. A pissed off Brian gets out of the car.
Brian: No! But I�ll kick your tight little virgin ass so hard you won�t sit down for a week!
The kid runs off with his tail between his legs.
Justin is totally amazed and Mikey is now the embarrassed one. Justin jumps out of the back of the jeep with a big grin on his face. He faces Brian.
Justin: When can I see you again?
Brian: You can see me right now?
Justin: I mean later tonight.
Brian: Who knows where I�ll be later tonight.
Mikey looks smug. He�s enjoying the Twink getting the shaft.
Mikey: You�d better go (I�m not liking him too much right now)
Justin: Please (With cute little puppy dog eyes)
Brian: I�ll see you in your dreams.
Brian gets in the car and drives off. Justin looks crestfallen. Justin walks up to a girl he seems to know well.
She says: Where have you been? You�re mom called and I said you were still asleep.
Justin: I saw the face of God. His name is Brian Kinney.
Brian and Mikey are in the jeep.
Mikey: I�m glad he�s finally gone (Yeah. I bet you are drama queen)
Brian: He almost wore me out (Could it be that Twink got under his skin..hmmm)
Mikey: Somebody wore you out?
Brian: I said almost.
Brian says he�ll drop Mikey off at work. Mikey says no fucking way he�s going to be dropped off in the faggot-mobile. He tells Brian to get the damn thing repainted before he goes to the office (well..at least Mikey at one good idea.) Brian says he�s not having it repainted. It�s a company car and he likes it that way. Mikey says he�s crazy. Brian says he�s not crazy THEY (hetro people?) are and yells out
FAGGOT!!!!!!