3-2 The Lindbergh Baby, Mustard, and Poppa�s Got a Brand New Bag
Last time on QAF: Michael got rightly punched for opening his mouth. Hobbit sex and Temmet rationalizing not having sex, and Brian fucks a Justin-look-a-like. Hey it was a wee better this week.
You know this opening, gotta love it or hate and frankly, I�m indifferent so let move right along. We open in the Loft that Sunshine left with Brian fucking some guy so hard I fell I need a shower. Boy let me tell you I�m no connoisseur of porn but damn, he fucked that guy within an inch of MY life. Trick says it�s one of his top ten fucks, MINE TOO, and Brian counter it�s �one of my top ten thousand.� Well hell, I�d hate to see a top ten, it�d kill me! People, trick number 75,813,874 is a satisfied customer. So is half the East coast after that scene. Then trick ruins my entire afterglow by saying he shot buckets. You know I really didn�t need to hear that and thank you Bruce MacDonald for showing me that the trick did actually shoot buckets. Eww�gross. I have a rule on this actually; if you plan on getting some then don�t get none on you and for god sake disinfect yourself as soon as you do alright! There my prudish moment is over. Brian tells the trick after he asks if he can shower to wear it home proudly. This sounds like something a frat guy would say to some poor aimless girl after he�s used and abused her and sent her packing making the walk of unmentionable shame across campus back to her dorm. I feel sorry for the trick. Brian maybe should open a wee stall outside the front door so they can have a quick wash, you know like those automated car washes. You know, pop in a five dollars and some brush with soapy water from above comes and scrubs the buckets of cum off you so you feel fresh as the morning rain. Then Brian could make back some of the money he spends on these people. Needless to say trick is not happy and leaves.
At the home of Temmett, Ted makes some coffee for Emmett and let me say for a minute I thought Cowlip were going to give us another hideous montages like they did when Ted was in medias res with the religious guy from last season, but they only serve up some java to save me from pitching the TV out the window. Emmett says he likes his men like he likes his men, �strong, full bodied, and piping hot.� Emmett says Ted was the best, and Ted is surprised. Y�all so am I. Ted says Emmett is sensational, the miracles he performed with his tongue. Ted says Emmett�s ass is as soft as Ted�s new 2000 thread count Egyptian sheets. Then Ted tells Emmett not to spill. Y�all this is almost incest because Ted is not only his lover but his mother as well. I think Ted was the top and they love each other and people I�m so happy, they are the most functional couple on this show. It�s cute.
At the Diner, Temmett are making kissy face. Brian wants to hurl and Ted, �have another bite lamb chop.� Brian asks if they could stop the depraved acts, he doesn�t want to know what acts of perversion they do behind closed doors, he really doesn�t need the visual. Brian, I�m right there with you 100%. I really didn�t pay much attention the first time around but now, dear lord my eyes my poor near-sighted eyes. Thank god Red Shoe Diaries is on next or I�d need to watch Brian fuck the trick again. Ted then tells Emmett to, �open up for the choo-choo boo boo.� Emmett makes some choo-choo noises and clicks his teeth and I swear I�m calling in sick tomorrow just from that. I mean c�mon what the hell is this Yogi Bear: The Alternative Series? Sheesh, please for all that holy and sane if this is what Cowlip are going to do with Temmett all season, spare us the much, more of Brian and the tricks please god! Or better yet, bring back my girl Leda for some Mel and Leda action. Y�all I could definitely be up for that episode, all puns and devious connotation intended, hee!
So I digress, Mike comes in and Debbie asks how the shiner is and Mike winces a little causing Deb to refer to Brian as an animal. Mike says he asked for it, which he most certainly did. I�m so glad Mike is finally owning up to his faux pas, it�s so refreshing, makes me smile. Anywho a dude comes up to Mike and asks about the next issue of Rage. He says he wishes he had a similar super hero when he was growing up. I�m not sure what kind of super hero h was referring to but Rage doesn�t seem like the one. Let�s see thus far Rage has only made homophobes kill each other, so I�m not sure if he teaching the right message, that violence is the only method. All I�m saying is did Zero Hour teach us nothing people? If you don�t know what Zero Hour is I advise you to e-mail me and I�ll tell you because, shame on you if you don�t know. Anyway enough about my past, hee. Mike tells the guy he wrote Rage with a partner and guess what, just at the moment Justin comes walking by with a big ole sneer on his face for Michael. You feel the love yet? No? Well you won�t be for some time ok.
Blah...blah...blah�Mike goes over to Justin and again he can�t keep the commentary to himself.
Mike: Still here I see
Justin: I tried to quit but your mother wouldn�t let me.
Mike: Yeah, well we all know how subtle her powers of persuasion can be.
Justin: Besides I need the money.
Mike: I guess Brian came in handy for something [See what I mean. Screw you Michael, why do you always have to take up for him? He�s thirty-one years old for the love of Pete! He can fight his own battles. Sheesh, someone�where is that cheese grater again?] [Justin snickers] If you want money, the comic book is a big hit. I mean we sold out the first issue already and people are asking�
Justin: What are you saying...we should work together?
Mike: Well, we don�t have to like each other but we did make a commitment.
Justin: You betrayed me
Mike: [Oh you know he could sweet talk Hitler and Stalin, you know he�s got great negotiation skills. I mean I�d make him an ambassador any day�NOT!] You betrayed yourself�and Brian [Wow Mike, thanks for pointing that out again to those of us who didn�t already know Mr. Enabler that you are Kinney�s best friend.]
Justin: look I don want anything to do with �Rage� or you.
Well I think that pretty much summed up that conversation. Michael, this conversation is OVER, you lose again foolish tool. Mike looks bewildered that Justin turned him down. He thought he had sweet talked the boy back into �Rage� and all he managed to do was en-Rage Justin.
Next scene is the park where Susie Homemaker Wannabe�aka Lindsay is twirling Gus around. First off I applaud Cowlip, one for using the same kid in sequential episodes, plus getting a kid who shows absolutely no interest in being on this show at all. I love this kid, he should get an Emmy. Lindsay says she�s with him morning, noon, and night all the time. I really don�t know how she�s doing that since she should be teaching some classes somewhere. Since she went back to teaching a couple months after Gus was born, and this kid still doesn�t talk. He�s like almost two now, aren�t they supposed to be saying something? I wonder if Cowlip slipped this kid some E or something because he hasn�t gurgled or uttered one syllable since he popped up on the scene. Somebody call Social Services and the Humane Society. I think he have child actor endangerment here! Ok so to put this is a nutshell, blah�blah�blah, yada�yada�yada�Mel wants another kid and surreptitiously nods to Brunhilda the wet nurse [hey she refers to herself as a big ole dyke so�] that it�s time for another. Lindsay says she�s got her hands full with one and really I don�t see that since she�s been teaching now for quite some time. I think Cowlip need to re-watch season one to make sure they aren�t pulling this stuff out of thin air�but wait they are so let�s move on to a happier scene.
Outside some sidewalk caf�, Ethan is pimping his music to the masses and Justin is talking to�yeah Daphne. The two are talking, and Justin�s hand starts shaking, he says the claw is tired. God, how I missed Daphne. Justin tells Daphne that Ethan averages about forty bucks a day. Daphne, my girl says, �I didn�t know being a beggar could be so lucrative.� Justin smiles and says he�s not a beggar. I�d be pissed is someone said that about my new boyfriend. I mean Justin would walk through the fires of hell itself to defend Brian but eh�for Ethan. See even Justin knows Ethan is nothing but a rat in disguise, and all that mentioning of the Heifitz, wow I could care less. Call me if he wins the thing, till then let it go. Justin goes on to say that he and Ethan made love on the roof and Daphne can�t even muster enough gumption to even smile at that one. Neither can I because Justin looked so happy right then I wanted to go out and call KISS FM and send a shout out to Justin and Ethan for the roof top sex. However, Daphne, bright girl that she is retorts, �I don�t know�I recall hearing about some pretty hot nights. Remember how he�d fuck you so hard you could still feel him in you the next morning?� Wow she says that with such emotion you�d thought she was there too. I can sympathize�well, not even I could be that grotesque because it�s just in poor taste. In [edited. e-mail me if you want it, but don�t hate, I warned you] you feel �empty��moving right along.
So the Rat comes over and says if he plays �La Campanella� one more time he�ll scream. Here I am thinking he�s playing that ditty from elementary school, you know the one. So Justin looks spooky as he refers to Ethan as �his poor little genius.� Who�s poor again? Hmm�thought so. Justin then bombs us all by saying he�s dropping out. Daphne is shocked. Ethan asks who�s been paying it and both Daphne and Justin roll their eyes. Oh right HE�S been paying it. Ethan just figured you know one of his parents was but no they both suck.
Now I�m taking a moment here to discuss what true shits Justin has for parents. One, did Jennifer not get the college education funds in the divorce or any type of expenses for the kid? I mean we all know Craig is an SOB and we�ll cover this topic again later, but what woman doesn�t get all she worth and her children�s worth from the lying scumbag for an ex-husband. If anyone ever deserved to be taken to the cleaners, it would be Craig Taylor.
Brian is home talking to some guy on the home, he�s doing phone sex He tells phone trick to pop some poppers, stick a couple fingers up his bum and jerk off. Y�all is that possible? I mean you really can�t be on a hard surface doing this or your knuckles would be raw, plus after that first scene, instructions from his eminence wouldn�t suffice, I still feel dirty. Brian calls trick a troll and this from the man who is trolling around and paying for damn good ass when we all know there�s only one ass he wants.
Not so Happy, Not so Fun House. Ain�t no baby if Linds isn�t all for it. Oh Gawd I need a cold shower not for real because I swear Michelle is just a hottie. All wet and soapy, gawd it�s just a little too much. Ok anyway Mel using all her persuasive powers to convince to Lindsay to have another baby, and they are much more effective than Michael�s.
At the home of Mike, Ben, and Emmett, Emmett is leaving for Babylon and Ben asks if Emmett wants to join the boys, he�s made plenty. Emmett says they are going to play a game, akin to the Queer Theories chapter when Brian and Justin play a wee role play game at a club in England. Ben thinks it�s cute, I think it�s over reaching for foreplay. I say get it, hit it, and don�t ever let it leave your bed till the break of dawn, but that�s just me. Ben tells Mike to �come and get it.� Mike says those are words he�s been drooling over all day. For one split second I think, yeah these two are gonna be alright. Then there is a knock at the door. Mike says ignore it and Brian will go away. Brian says through the door, �you said I was welcome anytime.� Ben can�t believe it. Neither can I. I swear can�t he just die already and let people move on with their lives. I see why Debbie wants him gone sometime and why she wants to kill Michael. They feed into their codependency. It�s really not good. Ben opens the door after yelling fuck. Brian comes in and says maybe after you feed and schmooze me first. Brian asks what for dinner. Ben says he�s only got enough for two. Brian says well then who�s joining me for dinner. Brian says it�s nine inch night at Babylon, you can get in if you have a nine inch cock, he says he�ll buy Mike and Ben tickets. I want to tell him he may need to buy Mike one; I�m not sure about Ben the mighty.
Anywho guess who ends up at Babylon? Yep that�s right Michael and Benji. So Emmett runs off to the men�s room and meets up with Gray Poupon�I�m sorry Dijon. [Like the mustard...what else goes by Dijon?] Seems mustard man is some flight attendant and he made a reservation with Emmett before Temmett. Then Ben says it�s time to go and takes Michael with him and leaves Brian to his own devices. People I want to get the cheese grater for Michael and the cattle prod for Brian.
Inside the outdoor caf� from yesterday Ethan, Justin and Jennifer are all sitting and talking. Oh boy you know this is going to go oh so well. Time for the first narcotic of the recap. Ok, first let me say Sherri Miller is looking good this season, like the do, she�s still got that mom look about her. Ahh�warm fuzzy thoughts. Blah�blah�blah Ethan is a genius. Justin says his grandfather was in a Concentration Camp. You know if that�s the most interesting thing you can say about your boyfriend, then you�ve got some serious issues, let me tell you. I�d like you to meet my friend Joe. Joe wears glasses. Do you see what I mean? C�mon who is Justin kidding here? Also why is it that Ethan and Justin have reached some equilibrium on the dirty scale? Seems Justin brought Ethan up out of the hole but in doing so he went down a few pegs on the hygiene meter. Jennifer, take the boy home and scrub him down. Then get a weed whacker to get that shit under Rat boy�s chin off because it still hoards germs and salmonella from 1999. There's no telling what took up residence in that nub and his greasy hair.
Jennifer is all goo goo over Ethan and I think she�s been hanging around Debbie too much; she�s sticking her foot in her mouth. She tells Justin he should ask the SOB for help, after she offers to do what she can. Why pray tell must Justin go ask. Why can�t she be a fucking mother and take a crowbar and beat the shit out of him and demand satisfaction. I swear she needs to borrow Melanie�s balls for a couple of hours. Jennifer says that if it hadn�t been for Brian and Justin says he doesn�t want to talk about Brian, He�s with Ethan now. Wow, I think somebody regrets a decision he made. Justin, ever the Prince of Drama tells his mother he�s not going to ask SOB for a fucking thing and she needs to keep her money for Molly and herself. I�m still sure he could do something since his parents are divorced and his mother got custody he would only need to put her income down. I mean the Financial Aide office is there to help not hinder your education. Plus doesn�t Jennifer have parents or can�t she take out loans for his education. Get real Cowlip. There are so many different alternatives it�s not even funny.
Back at TORSO, Emmett is on the phone with the Gay Crisis Hotline. He says he doesn�t have a light bulb up his ass. I wonder who in their right mind would do such a thing. Then I remember this story about a guy who got a kitty stuck to his wee and well, it was the talk of the town for a whole month. I mean how would you react to the local weatherman coming into the ER at four a.m. with a cat stuck to his genitalia. Actually I want to know how he drove to the ER to begin with? It had to be hard turning around corners and stuff.
Ok sorry about that, that is the last weird comment I�m going to make tonight and I�m taking the other one out above except for a couple of people because well they won�t come try and emasculate me for being over the top. If they say it�s alright, I�ll put it back in ok. Anywho, Emmett goes on to tell Brian his scenario. Brian calls him on it; you, Theodore, fuck date, Dijon, like the mustard, he�s a great fuck. Then Emmett makes a fatal error in listening to Brian about relationships. The Grandfather Clause: �any agreement made before the current arrangement is still considered legally binding, and therefore must be honored.� The only stipulation is that you can�t say anything about it. Yeah that sounds like a good idea. I like this one better, the �I�m an Idiot for Taking Relationship Advice from Brian Kinney�: taking advice from this fool will get you one step closer to being single for the rest of your life!
Lindsay and Brunhilda [Talking an octave lower so she sounds like a man letting us know she�s a lesbian. Sort of like Weesey Jefferson. Cowlip thanks for the hammer.] are shopping with the kids and I want to ask, what the hell is that strapped to her wet nurse bosom? Brunhilda has been watching AMC and came up with baby names. Y�all I�m worried but I really don�t care so moving right along.
At the comic store Brian is bugging Mike and asking what�s for dinner. Mike says he�s going to his mom�s. Brian says he was puking all night. I hope Ben did slip something into his serving, would serve him right! Brian is going to some underwear party where I don�t think people will be in their underwear too long but never you mind. Then as Mike is closing up later, Brian comes back and scares the bejeesus out of Mike by pretending to hold him up and then takes Mike to the underwear party. I swear these two are so juvenile it�s not funny. You�d think they were early mid twenties not early mid thirties. The stuff Brian got at TORSO was for Mike, how sweet.
Emmett is at Dijon�s. Y�all if Dijon is looking for a houseboy I know some interested parties, hee. He�s got a killer place, and he can get lost somewhere you know, hee. So Emmett is in trouble he�s gonna suck on that cock, oh how the mighty have fallen. A hammer is thrown as Dijon says Emmett is in the upright and locked position.
So now we move to Debbie�s and Debbie is on the phone swearing like a sailor trying to get her ratfink son to come join Benji the Lost and Vic for dinner. Benji says that Mike needs his best friend. Deb says that Ben is a really nice guy but fuck nice. Ben says he can�t control Mike. Vic says, �Why not. She�s been doing it for thirty years.� I love Vic. He�s just getting all these good hits in this season. I think this is going to be his renaissance season.
Mel and Linds, Oh Susie Homemaker, ready to be the power broker, is flipping over Brunhilda alluding to the new baby. Oh now Susie calls having children �popping out a loaf.� Excuse me this is not A Modest Proposal. Oh Lindsay doesn�t want another baby, she wants Mel to have it, get zipped, and zapped with the laser and move on. Oh yeah this could have been a real good fight but it really wasn�t.
At Craig�s. Seems someone has decided to ask the SOB. How the mighty have fallen in the face of a tuition bill. Justin sees Craig�s new child, I mean underage bimbo, excuse me I mean fuck buddy, no I mean his new compatriot. Justin says she�s nice. Oh wow you can see his persuasive acumen is as sharp as Mike�s. Justin says he needs some financial assistance. You know when I had to beg for money from my parents while I was in college; I used to call mom up before she left for work so she would not have time to argue. Dad was a tougher nut to crack. I had to enlist mom to aide me sometimes and then when I didn�t call home for three weeks I could count on him to give me a ring and ask about the funds. People it can work for you too! I�m writing a book, How to Get Parents to Pay for Your Extra-curricular Activities 101. My roommate was a pro, I learned a lot from him. Oh and before you get all pissy it�s not like I was begging for million, just an extra thirty here and there, not EVERY week. Hell I do that they�d be up there in a second wonder what was really going on. You can beg, just don�t be greedy! Anywho Justin shows Craig his work. Craig is not impressed. Craig says now if you want Dartmouth, and frankly I don�t see why they can�t compromise. So Justin goes to Dartmouth and studies art. I mean what�s the big deal, when he�s done he�s got a degree from Dartmouth.
I don�t think Craig cares so much about the gay thing as he does about Dartmouth. Craig at least is happy Brian is out of the picture. Why Craig is wearing a coat in his home, I don�t know but he�s crazy and stupid and an SOB so have a field day. Craig lays on parental guilt trip, and all I can think of is who is gonna clean up his piss and shit thirty years from now. Hmm�I wonder. Little Heather won�t that�s for sure. Justin leaves penniless. It�s not good.
At the underwear party, Mike wants to go home. Brian tells him you want to watch, that can be arranged. Brian says he going to wear out some guys jaw on his cock and then finger him and Brian goes and demonstrates. Also Brian is the wolf among the sheep in his black briefs. Everyone else has on white. Mike is the only one here with clothes on and I�m still trying to figure out when Brian came out of his, it was quite fast. Mike is transfixed to the show and I must say he could be getting some mighty fine lovin from Benji the Mighty if he had his sorry ass at home. Poor Michael I think he may have popped a gasket right there. Brian is going to do that one day, go putting his hands in the cookie jar and pull back a nub.
At the Diner Mel there and it must be late or so late it�s early because she�s in the Diner with Debbie alone and that�s not a good thing. Debbie says after a good breakfast the best way to start the day is to tell me what the fuck�s going on. I think this is bad. Actually it turns out quite well. Debbie lays down some hard truth and good facts and Mel, sees the light and it�s all good. Mel is afraid to birth a kid. Mel says Lindsay is stronger and braver and a better woman than she�ll ever be. Debbie says that is a load of bunk and that having a kid is the best thing ever. It�s really good. You know Debbie is really making good sense for once. This is bar none, best scene this episode. I think the one good writer got let out of his hole to write one scene possibly even two this episode and I love Cowlip for letting him or her out.
Back at the home of BME. Benji is making a comment about the lateness of Mike�s arrival. Ben is thinking it�s a bad idea he moved in. Ben says he was the one who told Mike to hang out with Brian and I thought Ben said he couldn�t control Mike. Ben jealous he isn�t getting his Mikey fix. Ben says he needs to get his won place.
At the gym Temmett run into Mustard man. Seems he didn�t leave on his jet plane. Oh and poor Emmett is knee deep in shit. Oh and Dijon pimps to Emmett right in front of Temmett. Oh and Ted asks, why does he want to call and why was he touching you like that? Oh poor Emmett is found out and it�s ugly.
At the Bursar�s Office. Ethan is making an operetta by being overly dramatic. Point is this Brian paid the damn tuition ok. Gawd, let it go.
The Loft With No Sunshine.
Brian�s watching a Marlon Brando film and I can�t figure out which one it is and my tape stopped before all the credits were through so you know it�s all bad. Someone please tell me the name of this film so I won�t go insane! Thanks. He looks sad as all get out. Justin just opens the door. I guess he still has his key.
Brian: You planning on coming in? If you�re looking for someone, there�s no one else here.
Justin: For a change. [Piece of shit. Cheese grater for his balls too! Then some blah�blah�blah]
Justin: I went by the Bursar�s office today. I can�t accept it.
Brian: What?
Justin: The tuition.
Brian: Oh. That. Why, is someone else covering it?
Justin: No.
Brian: Well then, you can�t afford not to.
Justin: But we�re not together anymore.
Brian: We signed an agreement. I�ll pay for your school; you pay me back with interest.
Justin: You don�t have to honor it.
Brian: A deal�s a deal.
Justin: I could be poor for a long time.
Brian: Yeah, well, knowing your tastes you�d better not be.
Justin: It�s not like I have a shit load of great moneymaking opportunities
Brian: You have one. Aren�t you forgetting something?
Justin: Thank you.
Brian: Not that. That [absently pointing] your computer. I packed it for you.
Justin: It�s yours
Brian: Bullshit. You need it. Take it.
Oh y�all Brian is so sad and pitiful I feel for him. Justin I�d like to take out somewhere and beat him senseless. Seems he thought Brian only saw him as a kept boy and a fuck buddy. Where is the love, show me the love! Lord I want to beat some sense into both of them. Lord help me I need a drink.
Last time on QAF: Michael got rightly punched for opening his mouth. Hobbit sex and Temmet rationalizing not having sex, and Brian fucks a Justin-look-a-like. Hey it was a wee better this week.
You know this opening, gotta love it or hate and frankly, I�m indifferent so let move right along. We open in the Loft that Sunshine left with Brian fucking some guy so hard I fell I need a shower. Boy let me tell you I�m no connoisseur of porn but damn, he fucked that guy within an inch of MY life. Trick says it�s one of his top ten fucks, MINE TOO, and Brian counter it�s �one of my top ten thousand.� Well hell, I�d hate to see a top ten, it�d kill me! People, trick number 75,813,874 is a satisfied customer. So is half the East coast after that scene. Then trick ruins my entire afterglow by saying he shot buckets. You know I really didn�t need to hear that and thank you Bruce MacDonald for showing me that the trick did actually shoot buckets. Eww�gross. I have a rule on this actually; if you plan on getting some then don�t get none on you and for god sake disinfect yourself as soon as you do alright! There my prudish moment is over. Brian tells the trick after he asks if he can shower to wear it home proudly. This sounds like something a frat guy would say to some poor aimless girl after he�s used and abused her and sent her packing making the walk of unmentionable shame across campus back to her dorm. I feel sorry for the trick. Brian maybe should open a wee stall outside the front door so they can have a quick wash, you know like those automated car washes. You know, pop in a five dollars and some brush with soapy water from above comes and scrubs the buckets of cum off you so you feel fresh as the morning rain. Then Brian could make back some of the money he spends on these people. Needless to say trick is not happy and leaves.
At the home of Temmett, Ted makes some coffee for Emmett and let me say for a minute I thought Cowlip were going to give us another hideous montages like they did when Ted was in medias res with the religious guy from last season, but they only serve up some java to save me from pitching the TV out the window. Emmett says he likes his men like he likes his coffee, �strong, full bodied, and piping hot.� Emmett says Ted was the best, and Ted is surprised. Y�all so am I. Ted says Emmett is sensational, the miracles he performed with his tongue. Ted says Emmett�s ass is as soft as Ted�s new 2000 thread count Egyptian sheets. Then Ted tells Emmett not to spill. Y�all this is almost incest because Ted is not only his lover but his mother as well. I think Ted was the top and they love each other and people I�m so happy, they are the most functional couple on this show. It�s cute.
At the Diner, Temmett are making kissy face. Brian wants to hurl and Ted, �have another bite lamb chop.� Brian asks if they could stop the depraved acts, he doesn�t want to know what acts of perversion they do behind closed doors, he really doesn�t need the visual. Brian, I�m right there with you 100%. I really didn�t pay much attention the first time around but now, dear lord my eyes my poor near-sighted eyes. Thank god Red Shoe Diaries is on next or I�d need to watch Brian fuck the trick again. Ted then tells Emmett to, �open up for the choo-choo boo boo.� Emmett makes some choo-choo noises and clicks his teeth and I swear I�m calling in sick tomorrow just from that. I mean c�mon what the hell is this Yogi Bear: The Alternative Series? Sheesh, please for all that holy and sane if this is what Cowlip are going to do with Temmett all season, spare us the much, more of Brian and the tricks please god! Or better yet, bring back my girl Leda for some Mel and Leda action. Y�all I could definitely be up for that episode, all puns and devious connotation intended, hee!
So I digress, Mike comes in and Debbie asks how the shiner is and Mike winces a little causing Deb to refer to Brian as an animal. Mike says he asked for it, which he most certainly did. I�m so glad Mike is finally owning up to his faux pas, it�s so refreshing, makes me smile. Anywho a dude comes up to Mike and asks about the next issue of Rage. He says he wishes he had a similar super hero when he was growing up. I�m not sure what kind of super hero he was referring to but Rage doesn�t seem like the one. Let�s see thus far Rage has only made homophobes kill each other, so I�m not sure if he's teaching the right message; that violence is the only method. All I�m saying is did Zero Hour teach us nothing people? If you don�t know what Zero Hour is I advise you to e-mail me and I�ll tell you because, shame on you if you don�t know. Anyway enough about my past, hee. Mike tells the guy he wrote Rage with a partner and guess what, just at the moment Justin comes walking by with a big ole sneer on his face for Michael. You feel the love yet? No? Well you won�t be for some time ok.
Blah...blah...blah�Mike goes over to Justin and again he can�t keep the commentary to himself.
Mike: Still here I see
Justin: I tried to quit but your mother wouldn�t let me.
Mike: Yeah, well we all know how subtle her powers of persuasion can be.
Justin: Besides I need the money.
Mike: I guess Brian came in handy for something [See what I mean. Screw you Michael, why do you always have to take up for him? He�s thirty-one years old for the love of Pete! He can fight his own battles. Sheesh, someone�where is that cheese grater again?] [Justin snickers] If you want money, the comic book is a big hit. I mean we sold out the first issue already and people are asking�
Justin: What are you saying...we should work together?
Mike: Well, we don�t have to like each other but we did make a commitment.
Justin: You betrayed me
Mike: [Oh you know he could sweet talk Hitler and Stalin, you know he�s got great negotiation skills. I mean I�d make him an ambassador any day�NOT!] You betrayed yourself�and Brian [Wow Mike, thanks for pointing that out again to those of us who didn�t already know Mr. Enabler that you are Kinney�s best friend.]
Justin: look I don want anything to do with �Rage� or you.
Well I think that pretty much summed up that conversation. Michael, this conversation is OVER, you lose again foolish tool. Mike looks bewildered that Justin turned him down. He thought he had sweet talked the boy back into �Rage� and all he managed to do was en-Rage Justin.
Next scene is the park where Susie Homemaker Wannabe�aka Lindsay is twirling Gus around. First off I applaud Cowlip, one for using the same kid in sequential episodes, plus getting a kid who shows absolutely no interest in being on this show at all. I love this kid, he should get an Emmy. Lindsay says she�s with him morning, noon, and night all the time. I really don�t know how she�s doing that since she should be teaching some classes somewhere. Since she went back to teaching a couple months after Gus was born, and this kid still doesn�t talk. He�s like almost two now, aren�t they supposed to be saying something? I wonder if Cowlip slipped this kid some E or something because he hasn�t gurgled or uttered one syllable since he popped up on the scene. Somebody call Social Services and the Humane Society. I think he have child actor endangerment here! Ok so to put this is a nutshell, blah�blah�blah, yada�yada�yada�Mel wants another kid and surreptitiously nods to Brunhilda the wet nurse [hey she refers to herself as a big ole dyke so�] that it�s time for another. Lindsay says she�s got her hands full with one and really I don�t see that since she�s been teaching now for quite some time. I think Cowlip need to re-watch season one to make sure they aren�t pulling this stuff out of thin air�but wait they are so let�s move on to a happier scene.
Outside some sidewalk caf�, Ethan is pimping his music to the masses and Justin is talking to�yeah Daphne. The two are talking, and Justin�s hand starts shaking, he says the claw is tired. God, how I missed Daphne. Justin tells Daphne that Ethan averages about forty bucks a day. Daphne, my girl says, �I didn�t know being a beggar could be so lucrative.� Justin smiles and says he�s not a beggar. I�d be pissed is someone said that about my new boyfriend. I mean Justin would walk through the fires of hell itself to defend Brian but eh�for Ethan. See even Justin knows Ethan is nothing but a rat in disguise, and all that mentioning of the Heifitz, wow I could care less. Call me if he wins the thing, till then let it go. Justin goes on to say that he and Ethan made love on the roof and Daphne can�t even muster enough gumption to even smile at that one. Neither can I because Justin looked so happy right then I wanted to go out and call KISS FM and send a shout out to Justin and Ethan for the roof top sex. However, Daphne, bright girl that she is retorts, �I don�t know�I recall hearing about some pretty hot nights. Remember how he�d fuck you so hard you could still feel him in you the next morning?� Wow she says that with such emotion you�d thought she was there too. I can sympathize�well, not even I could be that grotesque because it�s just in poor taste. In [edited. e-mail me if you want it, but don�t hate, I warned you] you feel �empty��moving right along.
So the Rat comes over and says if he plays �La Campanella� one more time he�ll scream. Here I am thinking he�s playing that ditty from elementary school, you know the one. So Justin looks spooky as he refers to Ethan as �his poor little genius.� Who�s poor again? Hmm�thought so. Justin then bombs us all by saying he�s dropping out. Daphne is shocked. Ethan asks who�s been paying it and both Daphne and Justin roll their eyes. Oh right HE�S been paying it. Ethan just figured you know one of his parents was but no they both suck.
Now I�m taking a moment here to discuss what true shits Justin has for parents. One, did Jennifer not get the college education funds in the divorce or any type of expenses for the kid? I mean we all know Craig is an SOB and we�ll cover this topic again later, but what woman doesn�t get all she worth and her children�s worth from the lying scumbag for an ex-husband. If anyone ever deserved to be taken to the cleaners, it would be Craig Taylor.
Brian is home talking to some guy on the home, he�s doing phone sex He tells phone trick to pop some poppers, stick a couple fingers up his bum and jerk off. Y�all is that possible? I mean you really can�t be on a hard surface doing this or your knuckles would be raw, plus after that first scene, instructions from his eminence wouldn�t suffice, I still feel dirty. Brian calls trick a troll and this from the man who is trolling around and paying for damn good ass when we all know there�s only one ass he wants.
Not so Happy, Not so Fun House. Ain�t no baby if Linds isn�t all for it. Oh Gawd I need a cold shower not for real because I swear Michelle is just a hottie. All wet and soapy, gawd it�s just a little too much. Ok anyway Mel using all her persuasive powers to convince to Lindsay to have another baby, and they are much more effective than Michael�s.
At the home of Mike, Ben, and Emmett, Emmett is leaving for Babylon and Ben asks if Emmett wants to join the boys, he�s made plenty. Emmett says they are going to play a game, akin to the Queer Theories chapter when Brian and Justin play a wee role play game at a club in England. Ben thinks it�s cute, I think it�s over reaching for foreplay. I say get it, hit it, and don�t ever let it leave your bed till the break of dawn, but that�s just me. Ben tells Mike to �come and get it.� Mike says those are words he�s been drooling over all day. For one split second I think, yeah these two are gonna be alright. Then there is a knock at the door. Mike says ignore it and Brian will go away. Brian says through the door, �you said I was welcome anytime.� Ben can�t believe it. Neither can I. I swear can�t he just die already and let people move on with their lives. I see why Debbie wants him gone sometime and why she wants to kill Michael. They feed into their codependency. It�s really not good. Ben opens the door after yelling fuck. Brian comes in and says maybe after you feed and schmooze me first. Brian asks what for dinner. Ben says he�s only got enough for two. Brian says well then who�s joining me for dinner. Brian says it�s nine inch night at Babylon, you can get in if you have a nine inch cock, he says he�ll buy Mike and Ben tickets. I want to tell him he may need to buy Mike one; I�m not sure about Ben the mighty.
Anywho guess who ends up at Babylon? Yep that�s right Michael and Benji. So Emmett runs off to the men�s room and meets up with Gray Poupon�I�m sorry Dijon. [Like the mustard...what else goes by Dijon?] Seems mustard man is some flight attendant and he made a reservation with Emmett before Temmett. Then Ben says it�s time to go and takes Michael with him and leaves Brian to his own devices. People I want to get the cheese grater for Michael and the cattle prod for Brian.
Inside the outdoor caf� from yesterday Ethan, Justin and Jennifer are all sitting and talking. Oh boy you know this is going to go oh so well. Time for the first narcotic of the recap. Ok, first let me say Sherri Miller is looking good this season, like the do, she�s still got that mom look about her. Ahh�warm fuzzy thoughts. Blah�blah�blah Ethan is a genius. Justin says his grandfather was in a Concentration Camp. You know if that�s the most interesting thing you can say about your boyfriend, then you�ve got some serious issues, let me tell you. I�d like you to meet my friend Joe. Joe wears glasses. Do you see what I mean? C�mon who is Justin kidding here? Also why is it that Ethan and Justin have reached some equilibrium on the dirty scale? Seems Justin brought Ethan up out of the hole but in doing so he went down a few pegs on the hygiene meter. Jennifer, take the boy home and scrub him down. Then get a weed whacker to get that shit under Rat boy�s chin off because it still hoards germs and salmonella from 1999. There's no telling what took up residence in that nub and his greasy hair.
Jennifer is all goo goo over Ethan and I think she�s been hanging around Debbie too much; she�s sticking her foot in her mouth. She tells Justin he should ask the SOB for help, after she offers to do what she can. Why pray tell must Justin go ask. Why can�t she be a fucking mother and take a crowbar and beat the shit out of him and demand satisfaction. I swear she needs to borrow Melanie�s balls for a couple of hours. Jennifer says that if it hadn�t been for Brian and Justin says he doesn�t want to talk about Brian, He�s with Ethan now. Wow, I think somebody regrets a decision he made. Justin, ever the Prince of Drama tells his mother he�s not going to ask SOB for a fucking thing and she needs to keep her money for Molly and herself. I�m still sure he could do something since his parents are divorced and his mother got custody he would only need to put her income down. I mean the Financial Aide office is there to help not hinder your education. Plus doesn�t Jennifer have parents or can�t she take out loans for his education. Get real Cowlip. There are so many different alternatives it�s not even funny.
Back at TORSO, Emmett is on the phone with the Gay Crisis Hotline. He says he doesn�t have a light bulb up his ass. I wonder who in their right mind would do such a thing. Then I remember this story about a guy who got a kitty stuck to his wee and well, it was the talk of the town for a whole month. I mean how would you react to the local weatherman coming into the ER at four a.m. with a cat stuck to his genitalia. Actually I want to know how he drove to the ER to begin with? It had to be hard turning around corners and stuff.
Ok sorry about that, that is the last weird comment I�m going to make tonight and I�m taking the other one out above except for a couple of people because well they won�t come try and emasculate me for being over the top. If they say it�s alright, I�ll put it back in ok. Anywho, Emmett goes on to tell Brian his scenario. Brian calls him on it; you, Theodore, fuck date, Dijon, like the mustard, he�s a great fuck. Then Emmett makes a fatal error in listening to Brian about relationships. The Grandfather Clause: �any agreement made before the current arrangement is still considered legally binding, and therefore must be honored.� The only stipulation is that you can�t say anything about it. Yeah that sounds like a good idea. I like this one better, the �I�m an Idiot for Taking Relationship Advice from Brian Kinney�: taking advice from this fool will get you one step closer to being single for the rest of your life!
Lindsay and Brunhilda [Talking an octave lower so she sounds like a man letting us know she�s a lesbian. Sort of like Weesey Jefferson. Cowlip thanks for the hammer.] are shopping with the kids and I want to ask, what the hell is that strapped to her wet nurse bosom? Brunhilda has been watching AMC and came up with baby names. Y�all I�m worried but I really don�t care so moving right along.
At the comic store Brian is bugging Mike and asking what�s for dinner. Mike says he�s going to his mom�s. Brian says he was puking all night. I hope Ben did slip something into his serving, would serve him right! Brian is going to some underwear party where I don�t think people will be in their underwear too long but never you mind. Then as Mike is closing up later, Brian comes back and scares the bejeesus out of Mike by pretending to hold him up and then takes Mike to the underwear party. I swear these two are so juvenile it�s not funny. You�d think they were early mid twenties not early mid thirties. The stuff Brian got at TORSO was for Mike, how sweet.
Emmett is at Dijon�s. Y�all if Dijon is looking for a houseboy I know some interested parties, hee. He�s got a killer place, and he can get lost somewhere you know, hee. So Emmett is in trouble he�s gonna suck on that cock, oh how the mighty have fallen. A hammer is thrown as Dijon says Emmett is in the upright and locked position.
So now we move to Debbie�s and Debbie is on the phone swearing like a sailor trying to get her ratfink son to come join Benji the Lost and Vic for dinner. Benji says that Mike needs his best friend. Deb says that Ben is a really nice guy but fuck nice. Ben says he can�t control Mike. Vic says, �Why not. She�s been doing it for thirty years.� I love Vic. He�s just getting all these good hits in this season. I think this is going to be his renaissance season.
Mel and Linds, Oh Susie Homemaker, ready to be the power broker, is flipping over Brunhilda alluding to the new baby. Oh now Susie calls having children �popping out a loaf.� Excuse me this is not A Modest Proposal. Oh Lindsay doesn�t want another baby, she wants Mel to have it, get zipped, and zapped with the laser and move on. Oh yeah this could have been a real good fight but it really wasn�t.
At Craig�s. Seems someone has decided to ask the SOB. How the mighty have fallen in the face of a tuition bill. Justin sees Craig�s new child, I mean underage bimbo, excuse me I mean fuck buddy, no I mean his new compatriot. Justin says she�s nice. Oh wow you can see his persuasive acumen is as sharp as Mike�s. Justin says he needs some financial assistance. You know when I had to beg for money from my parents while I was in college; I used to call mom up before she left for work so she would not have time to argue. Dad was a tougher nut to crack. I had to enlist mom to aide me sometimes and then when I didn�t call home for three weeks I could count on him to give me a ring and ask about the funds. People it can work for you too! I�m writing a book, How to Get Parents to Pay for Your Extra-curricular Activities 101. My roommate was a pro, I learned a lot from him. Oh and before you get all pissy it�s not like I was begging for million, just an extra thirty here and there, not EVERY week. Hell I do that they�d be up there in a second wonder what was really going on. You can beg, just don�t be greedy! Anywho Justin shows Craig his work. Craig is not impressed. Craig says now if you want Dartmouth, and frankly I don�t see why they can�t compromise. So Justin goes to Dartmouth and studies art. I mean what�s the big deal, when he�s done he�s got a degree from Dartmouth.
I don�t think Craig cares so much about the gay thing as he does about Dartmouth. Craig at least is happy Brian is out of the picture. Why Craig is wearing a coat in his home, I don�t know but he�s crazy and stupid and an SOB so have a field day. Craig lays on parental guilt trip, and all I can think of is who is gonna clean up his piss and shit thirty years from now. Hmm�I wonder. Little Heather won�t that�s for sure. Justin leaves penniless. It�s not good.
At the underwear party, Mike wants to go home. Brian tells him you want to watch, that can be arranged. Brian says he going to wear out some guys jaw on his cock and then finger him and Brian goes and demonstrates. Also Brian is the wolf among the sheep in his black briefs. Everyone else has on white. Mike is the only one here with clothes on and I�m still trying to figure out when Brian came out of his, it was quite fast. Mike is transfixed to the show and I must say he could be getting some mighty fine lovin from Benji the Mighty if he had his sorry ass at home. Poor Michael I think he may have popped a gasket right there. Brian is going to do that one day, go putting his hands in the cookie jar and pull back a nub.
At the Diner Mel there and it must be late or so late it�s early because she�s in the Diner with Debbie alone and that�s not a good thing. Debbie says after a good breakfast the best way to start the day is to tell me what the fuck�s going on. I think this is bad. Actually it turns out quite well. Debbie lays down some hard truth and good facts and Mel, sees the light and it�s all good. Mel is afraid to birth a kid. Mel says Lindsay is stronger and braver and a better woman than she�ll ever be. Debbie says that is a load of bunk and that having a kid is the best thing ever. It�s really good. You know Debbie is really making good sense for once. This is bar none, best scene this episode. I think the one good writer got let out of his hole to write one scene possibly even two this episode and I love Cowlip for letting him or her out.
Back at the home of BME. Benji is making a comment about the lateness of Mike�s arrival. Ben is thinking it�s a bad idea he moved in. Ben says he was the one who told Mike to hang out with Brian and I thought Ben said he couldn�t control Mike. Ben jealous he isn�t getting his Mikey fix. Ben says he needs to get his won place.
At the gym Temmett run into Mustard man. Seems he didn�t leave on his jet plane. Oh and poor Emmett is knee deep in shit. Oh and Dijon pimps to Emmett right in front of Temmett. Oh and Ted asks, why does he want to call and why was he touching you like that? Oh poor Emmett is found out and it�s ugly.
At the Bursar�s Office. Ethan is making an operetta by being overly dramatic. Point is this Brian paid the damn tuition ok. Gawd, let it go.
The Loft With No Sunshine.
Brian�s watching a Marlon Brando film and I can�t figure out which one it is and my tape stopped before all the credits were through so you know it�s all bad. Someone please tell me the name of this film so I won�t go insane! Thanks. He looks sad as all get out. Justin just opens the door. I guess he still has his key.
Brian: You planning on coming in? If you�re looking for someone, there�s no one else here.
Justin: For a change. [Piece of shit. Cheese grater for his balls too! Then some blah�blah�blah]
Justin: I went by the Bursar�s office today. I can�t accept it.
Brian: What?
Justin: The tuition.
Brian: Oh. That. Why, is someone else covering it?
Justin: No.
Brian: Well then, you can�t afford not to.
Justin: But we�re not together anymore.
Brian: We signed an agreement. I�ll pay for your school; you pay me back with interest.
Justin: You don�t have to honor it.
Brian: A deal�s a deal.
Justin: I could be poor for a long time.
Brian: Yeah, well, knowing your tastes you�d better not be.
Justin: It�s not like I have a shit load of great moneymaking opportunities
Brian: You have one. Aren�t you forgetting something?
Justin: Thank you.
Brian: Not that. That [absently pointing] your computer. I packed it for you.
Justin: It�s yours
Brian: Bullshit. You need it. Take it.
Oh y�all Brian is so sad and pitiful I feel for him. Justin I�d like to take out somewhere and beat him senseless. Seems he thought Brian only saw him as a kept boy and a fuck buddy. Where is the love, show me the love! Lord I want to beat some sense into both of them. Lord help me I need a drink.
Ok and as much as I would love to continue this I gotta pack so let�s cut to the chase. Emmett and Ted have a discussion about Dijon. Ted is pissed and rightly so. Emmett is Emmy worthy in his response hair all disheveled, �Why do I do these things?� Ted says because Emmett hasn�t met a cock he didn�t like. You know if he�s not a fan of butterscotch we could dip Mustard Man�s in some of that revolting stuff and then wha-la, it�s fixed. Of course Ted forgives Emmett and Temmett is fine folk. I swear who would have thought that apologizing for s fuck-up and talking about it could actually resolve an issue. I think Cowlip are growing up.
Justin continues to eat crow by deciding to do Rage with Michael, �A deal is a deal.� Wonder where I�ve heard that before? Hmm�really don�t know. Issue 2 sounds suspiciously like the season finale to Buffy the Vampire Slayer when the Mayor got blowed up, yes I wrote that correctly. JT is going to learn to play some high note on his horn to blow up the principal. Ahh...Little Boy Blue and his horn. Anywho later, Brian calls Michael from Babylon but Mike says no he�s going home and praying Ben is still there and Brian twirls around three sheets to the wind and folks that�s a wrap.
Next week on QAF: Brian buys a new car. Is he 30 or 50? Mel can get pregnant. Temmett give Debbie lessons in oral sex with dildo�s and everything. I hope they washed then and I hope they are not from Jerk@Work. Brian and Justin rendezvous. Oh it�s going to be quite interesting. Justin is already lying his ass off to Ethan. Hmm�wonder how rat boy gonna like this change of events. Seems Mike will take his usual seat in the nosebleeds now that Brian has some Sunshine.