Last time on Queer as Folk� Justin made a decision. Michael opened his big mouth. Temmett was born, and we got to hear some Bj�rk.
Well they still haven�t changed the opening, although I thought they would have seeing as how they had some kick ass music for the promos, but I digress.
So we begin in Mel and Linds� back yard and we have �Mad Dog Kinney� knocking the snot out of Michael �Mike� Novotny. Y�all there is a heaven. The voice over is really enthusiastic about this countdown. And of course if you didn�t already know we are beginning in medias res. So now we are going to get �the blow by blow recap so you can see for yourself what the fuck just happened.� Now before we get to this recap in a recap, I�d like to point out here that I love Brian Kinney for the sole fact that he finally punched the shit out of the drivel known as Novotny. The look on Michael�s face was priceless. The shock, the realization, and then the pain kicked in. Boy someone took some acting lessons over the hiatus.
We go back a week ago to the Rage party and Babylon in all its glory and then we focus in on Ben saying, �Rage is all the rage.� Ted and Emmett decide to leave and Mel and Lindsay are all over each other. Michael announces that he has to go find Brian. You know, I think I�ve heard those lines somewhere before. Hmm�I wonder where. Michael says that Brian and Justin just broke up. Lindsay looks shocked, Mel�s like huh? Mike says, �Justin�s been seeing someone else.� Mel says, �Aren�t they always seeing someone else.� Mike leaves Ben standing as he goes off to find Brian. I look at Ben and wonder when he�s gonna put the death grip on Michael with those thighs and kill him. So later Ben and Mike are leaving and Brian is in the Jeep and well�all you hear are tires screeching and that�s that.
Ok, and see I told you I was going to need some alcohol to get through this season and I wasn�t lying. Lord where are the body doubles. They should have reshot that scene to favour the boys better. Lord my eyes, my eyes, Oedipus where are your pins? If QAF can be superficialas all get out, I can be superficialier, hee. I especially don�t want to see two Hobbits from the Shire getting it on so early in the light of day. It creeps me out. Plus if you come fiddling on some fiddle in the morning in my ear you are likely to get said fiddle shoved up your ass. Cut that shot out for the love of Pete!
Looking closely at the wall in Ethan�s apartment we can see it�s tilted ever so slightly. God I hope the place isn�t going to collapse in on itself. Ethan says, �I promised I�d serenade you awake didn�t I?� Justin counters, �You also promised me breakfast in bed.� So Ethan serves up the morning meal of dark chocolate. Rat boy says in that wanna be bad ass lover voice, �Is there any other kind?� Ahem, yes there is milk, white, and a few other kinds I imagine as well. Plus Ethan you aren�t Shaft so don�t try and be a player ok. It�s not working for you dude. Ethan�s all happy they spent the entire night together. Justin says he can�t stay. You know he�s got work and school and stuff. Really Justin has to go get a flea dip and mange powder. Ethan is still concerned about the Brian factor and Justin says, �I�m with you now.� They make sweet morning passionate love.
Oh yeah Michael informs some early morning shoppers at the comic store that Rage is dead. Y�all Mike didn�t even cry this time. He just looked real bitter.
Justin enters the loft. It�s morning and bright as all get out! I don�t think we�ve ever seen it so bright in there. I could go on and on about symbolism about the light and stuff but you know what, let�s skip to the hot sex flashbacks and decrypt those instead. How about it? So like I said Justin comes �home�. He announces his arrival by checking to see if Brian�s home, �Brian�Brian�� Say it three times and he�ll magically appear. Flash back to some hot chaise sex with ice cream and I�m telling you it could melt the polar ice caps. This is a better image than the Hobbits. These two seem to enjoy the sex. Well hell, it�s all about sex, no? Hot shower sex and I think it�s the first time we�ve gotten a real good look at the loft. Justin grabs his stuff and then we get some doggie style sex on the bed that has served millions. Mc Kinney�s billions and billions served, not all happy satisfied customers but served nonetheless. Justin packs his entire life into one single duffle type bag and is out of there. My question is this: Where the hell was the kid living again? I have more clothes with me when I go visiting friends. Damn where were all of his clothes. I mean for a teenager and stuff he didn�t have a lot. Even homeless people have more belongings than that. Hell, some people�s dogs have more stuff than that. I�m going to start up a fund if Justin doesn�t get some new clothes soon, he�ll need them.
Cut to the Diner. I hope it�s the weekend, but guess what, it�s not. Mel should be practicing some law somewhere, guess she decided making partner wasn�t for her. Lindsay should be teaching but she�s not. Gus is nowhere to be seen or heard. I guess old habits die hard don�t they. The poor kid. He�d be better off living with the Ted Bundy in prison for all they care about the poor kid. Ted and Emmett get the third degree. Lindsay queries, �You did it didn�t you? We know you did it. Was it heaven, was it bliss?� Mel asks, �Who�s top and who�s bottom?� Deb comes in and says, �You sound like me.� Deb wants and answer. Funny Temmett allude to a lot but seemingly they want to keep their private life, just that PRIVATE. Temmett with friends like these folks you�ll have to leave the state to have a good relationship. Everyone is so happy for Temmett and surprisingly I am too.
Seems Mel and Linds are having an anniversary party. Debbie says, �You just got married.� Frankly, I�m thinking the same thing but then again Linds is always looking for a reason to throw a party, the little �Susie Homemaker Wannabe�. This party is for the anniversary of their first encounter. Damn just let it go already ok. They�ve got the invitations with them for some unexplained reason. You know I like to take invitation to a party to a greasy diner, handling them while I�m eating said grease and then make comments about Brian and Justin. You know it works so well. Lindsay asks, �What are they going to do with this,� and she holds up an invite for Brian and Justin like some Price is Right chick. Debbie chimes in, �Poor sunshine, I really loved him.� Ok, is Justin dead? Did he get run over by a truck, did Brian kill him and the Fiddler in a crime of passion? Am I reaching for a punch line? I think so. On an alternate universe Lindsay says, �And really Brian loved him.� Debbie says, �Yeah well he should have showed it.� Mike, the enabler says, �Well he did in his way.� Debbie gives him a roll of the ole eyes and walks off. Ted the sadistic bastard says, �Poor Brian must be sequestered away, devastated, disgraced, broken, humiliated,� then follows it up with an evil cackle. Michael nods away while Ted is listing things like Ted�s all serious and stuff. Poor Michael, he�s such a tool. Linds rolls her eyes and Mel and I laugh ourselves being the evil bastards that we are. Emmett says, �Maybe he�s planning to pack his bags and move on now that he�s no longer Pittsburgh�s numero uno homo.�
Just at that moment Brian pops up and says, �Reports of [his] death have been greatly exaggerated.� Michael always the enabler asks is he�s alright. Ted asks how long he�s been there. Brian counters, �Long enough to know who my real friends are.� Well, I can�t believe it took him you know over a decade to realize these are some shits he�s got for friends. Meanwhile in her sheltered universe Lindsay looks shocked that Brian overheard the conversation. You know I have a fiery pit for her and Novotny. Then Justin comes in and we have the principle parties assembled and let me say the ensuing silence is welcomed. Y�all it�s so not a tense moment I went to pee. More on that adventure later. The VCR was going so I got to rewind later and watch the scene that I want to have engraved on my retinas for life. Picture it, out back of the Diner.
Justin: What do you want?
Michael: Oh it such a lovely day I thought I�d take a stroll and take in the sights.
Justin: Me, throwing out garbage?
Michael: Yeah well you�re so good at dumping things�you didn�t have to walk out in him like that in front of everyone you know.
Justin: I would have told him to go fuck himself, but he was already doing that in the backroom with Rage
Michael: How can you be such a shit after all he�s done for you?
Justin: I know what he�s done for me.
Michael: You knew who he was right from the beginning.
Justin: Yeah�you were the one who told me.
Michael: And did you think you could change him that he�d change for you?
Justin: I don�t wanna talk about it.
Michael: Of course not. It�s over. On to the next, you got what you wanted
Justin: So did you. From the first night that we met and he took me home and fucked me. You have wanted me gone. Well, Mikey you finally got your wish. There�s nothing standing in your way anymore, he�s all yours.
[Sorry I have to interrupt here. I wonder if one of David�s friends said this to Michael in Portland, because this seems way above his power of elocution. You know Mike asked a lot of David and he did change a bit but then he said enough is enough and was out of there. David really got tired of paying second fiddle to Brian Kinney, the one fuck that never happened.]
Michael: Since you�re no longer with Brian. There�s really no reason for you to be here is there. So why don�t you just do us all a favor including yourself and just disappear.
Ok let me get my drink so I can rage on this exchange. First, death to Michael. Who the fuck does he think he is? Wait don�t answer that, he�s Kinney�s best friend. Well damn Mike I think Brian is able to handle his own personal affairs without you butting in. Jeez how many people were in that relationship again? I can�t recall. People if you have friends like this get rid of them; they�ll only bring you down. Plus, and this is one I expect some answers on. Why did Justin in this scene look like the love child of Stewart Smiley and Eva Brahms? I mean all I can think of to repeat is, I fucked enough, I fucked-up enough and now I�m fucked! Oh and this exchange is so prophetic of what�s to come but again I digress.
Next scene, Temmett didn�t have sex, they were too damn tired. So am I, it�s bedtime. Until tomorrow�Guess what it�s tomorrow. Temmett are rationalizing not having sex. I thought you had to rationalize having sex. I think they got it wrong. Plus are they trying to convince themselves or me? Somehow I think this is the season Cowlip are going to try and convince us of a lot of things. I�ll just sit back with my sombrero in judgment and see what happens.
Moving on to the House of Emmett and Mike. Ben is on the phone. The lady he sublet his place to isn�t leaving, �She signed the lease in good faith.� Ben calls her a bitch. I want him dead. He�s the one who counted his chickens before his eggs were hatched. Stupid fool. I could tell him he should never listen to Debbie, it�s dangerous. Ben�s going to look for campus housing. Mike says, �Live here.� Ben looks askance and Mike says, �Why not?� Lord please help me to explain why this should not be done. I�m afraid it would take me the length of my senior thesis. Now folks I wish someone would get a screen capture of the look on Ben�s face because I did have to get out of my chair and roll on the floor for five minutes. Oh my great jumping balls of play-do. I don�t know whose eyes bugged out more: Ben�s or mine. He�s so shocked he almost pulled a muscle turning to look at Mike in awe. Ben�s not buying it. He asks if they are ready for it. Mike asks, �Do you throw wild parties, play loud music�� Mike says they are compatible and �That they�ll get along just fine.� Ben hmm mmm�s letting me know he sees this one heading for disaster. Emmett comes home and isn�t real gun-ho on Ben moving in but Mike pleads with his eyes and well we get another positive Temmett reinforcement. Ben asks about Temmett. Mike says he thought Emmett was going to bite the bullet and say no. Emmett says, �He decided to bite something else.�
You know I know it�s wrong to hurt people but really Michael needs to be beaten for having hoof and mouth disease because he opens that trap again and says, �Still, I can�t imagine having sex with your best friend.�
Did he just say that? I think so. Has anyone seen my tire iron?
Emmett and I both look bewildered and befuddled.
Emmett says, �Really, So what, so what, I�m sorry because you can�t imagine it. What. So Teddy and I don�t deserve to be as happy as you and Ben? People, the look on Ben�s face is priceless yet again. You know Robert Gant may be right. This may just be better than season two if for nothing else, the look of bewilderment on Ben�s face. Mike wishes Temmett the hottest sex; he just doesn�t want to hear about it.
So it�s ok for Brian to drone on about his conquest and it�s alright for you to get a blow-by-blow, thrust-by-thrust detail but anyone else, to hell with them. Ok Novotny, I see you game. Lord please let him get mad-cow disease and vanish this season. He still pisses me off.
Back to the Loft minus one.
Brian comes home and ain�t no Sunshine. All I can think of is that song from Notting Hill. �Ain�t no sunshine when she�s gone�ain�t no sunshine when she�s away. Ain�t no sunshine when she�s gone and she always gone to long anytime she goes away�� Anywho Brian looks around sees Justin has gotten his stuff and skee-daddled. Ahh, he looks melancholy, I guess is the right term. I doubt it but then again, a certain someone always seems angsty so you know it�s all in a days work. Brian spots a still of Rage holding JT and crumples it up. You know, if I didn�t know any better, I�d swear Brian actually misses the boy. People, this is bar none, best scene in QAF history since the end of 122. Why are all of there best moments contain no words and no sex? Hmm�wonder if it�s something they should look into?
Then we move right along to the park. Brian and Lindsay are walking an aged Gus. He looks liked he�s a bit drugged, but considering his dad, that�s to be expected. You know I�m still calling children services on Lindsay and having them take that baby away. Can these people watch their language around this child? I mean his first�s words are going to be fuck, dyke, shit. This kid will be in pre-school and the other kids will be like, �Oohh�Mrs. Walker, Billy said a bad word.� Mrs. Walker will in turn say, �It�s alright right John. Billy was a child actor on Queer as Folk. He�s been scarred for life.� This kid is so not interested in this scene and I love him for that. He�s a keeper. So here�s the scene in a nutshell. Lindsay throws out �Love him, love, him, it�s a small sacrifice, tell him you love him�blah blah blah.� Brian, �What would you have me do; get down on my hands and knees and beg? Never loved him�dickless fags�let him get what he wants�I�m not chasing him blah blah blah.� Some well placed Kinney patented sneers, a jeer at Temmett, and life goes on. Also this dramatic silence they think is so cool really isn�t; it�s awkward. You have to be in the moment. Brian and Lindsay stare off into the distance. Brian with a grin on his face letting me know his ass is up to something.
Now in Debbie�s kitchen, she�s making food for the anniversary party. Debbie informs us that Justin quit the Diner. Debbie is pissed that Justin told Kiki, who used to be Kenny, he quit and the boy said be sure to tell Debbie he said goodbye. Oh she�s pissed y�all. Then Michael is testing lasagna and says, �It�s meatless.� Debbie tells him it�s vegetarian lasagna. Mike calls it �Lesbian lasagna.� Debbie says, it�s not like Mike has to eat pussy. Mike is startled. I want Debbie to get the cheese grater and grate someone�s balls. I bet that would hurt plenty. Oh, that�s my new torture method; cheese grate them balls.
Michael: I told him loud and clear. That he�s a selfish ungrateful little prick and that he should get the fuck out of our lives.
Debbie: You told him that?
Michael: I sure did.
Well Debbie�s pissed. She tells Michael, �What ever happened between those two boys is non of your god-dam business.� Of course Mike like an old dog says�all together with me now�ready�one�two�three��Brian happens to be my best friend.� Oh Debbie your son�s a moron. Debbie then beings her diatribe by stating, �If you ask me�� no, no I didn�t. Now I see where Mike gets it. Why can�t these Novotny people stop while they are behind? Both of you just shut the hell up!
Debbie continues and makes one valid point. ��everything but love him. But then again he can�t love anybody, not even you,� looking death the stare at Michael. I�m grating Mike�s balls. People he deserves it. Call me sick and twisted but if I hear him defend Brian one more time, I�ll be sick. I wouldn�t wish a friend like Novotny on Satan himself; it�s too mean.
Happy Fun House the girls are preparing for the party. Gus is being read Beauty and the Beast. Gus looks like he�d rather be watching paint dry. Lindsay and Mel look at a pic taken moments before and it�s supposed to be from eight years ago. They look so different�not! Guess who shows up, none other than Justin. He�s brought the girls their anniversary gift. He says that Ethan is waiting on him; he�s ready to bolt. So am I. Linds tell him to come tomorrow, Brian�s not going to be there. Mel says that it�s the last place he�ll be. Justin says he thought it would be easier if he didn�t come around anymore. Mel and Linds ask why. Justin says, in that Charleston Heston, Planet of the Apes voice, �You were his friends first.� Mel lets Justin know she likes him way more than Brian and so Justin is coming to the party with Ethan per the girls� order. Y�all I�m sending up a four-alarm alert on that piece of advice. These people like to stir shit up.
Now to Woodys. Brian is giving some guy the eye of alluring fabulous sex to come when all of a sudden trick du nuit greets his trick du nuit and so Brian went to pull and got the shaft. It really doesn�t matter that Brian looks a little worse for wear. Two other patrons comment, �Huh, would you look a that? My god I never thought I�d live to see the day. Brian Kinney rejected. His stock has plummeted. The NASDAQ of fags. I�m telling you, you have so be so careful what you put it into these days.� Hell just froze over because I�m going to defend Brian Kinney. Look here Pen and Teller. I don�t think you�d be putting anything anywhere in Brian. I think he�d be putting it in you so shut the hell up already!
Temmett over hears the exchange and Emmett calls them cunts. Ted says they sound like Temmett. Emmett says they are allowed to make fun; they�re his friends. Wow and again all I can say is with friends like these�
Debbie says she thought the boys would be home staining the sheets. Ewww. Vic and Debbie show up and they get the story of Carlos and Vic. So some doom and gloom and well Temmett are concerned. Vic says Debbie has a big mouth which must be the understatement of the millennium.
Back at the new love nest of Mike and Ben, Ben and Mike are putting away Ben�s things and they�re chatting on how much stuff Ben has and how small Michael�s closet is. Ben you have no idea. Anywho somehow that discussion leads to wild rampant sex and then the trousers are almost off, [Does no one on this who wear underwear?] and then Brian pop in wif his wittle key. Oh god he�s as bad a Michael popping up unannounced. Brian says he came over to find someone to go to Babylon with him or he�ll die. Mike marches Brian to the door tells him he�ll call him later. Ben calls to Michael and tells him to go with Brian. Says he�d be devastated if he lost Mike. He�d �need a friend too.� Call me Ben, ok, well discuss. Yeah ok Ben maybe like in the Twilight Zone. I�m sure you couldn�t find someone better than Mike; you know he�s sooo mature. Hell, I�ll call around for you if need be, because Novotny will kill you I promise. Brian�s all, �suffering Sappho.� Mike�s all, �it�s your first night.� Ben�s like, �go we�ll have other nights. I live here now.� Letting me know his days there are numbered. So no great Zen Ben sex this episode, sorry guys.
Temmett. People I know why Ted never gets laid. He�s too busy buying batteries for his toys. One of them looks to be stainless steel and I have to ask and hopefully someone will know. If for some reason a charge gets on that metal will it charge up your sex life so to speak? It almost seems like jumping in the bath with a radio or something equally stupid. OK and here�s my prude moment. Nothing and I mean nothing up the back door. It�s an exit not and entrance and especially nothing metal. As Bush senior would say, �Not gonna happen, read my lips.� Emmett says, �It�s like FAO Schwartz opened an adult toy store.� Y�all Ted�s got a glow light with colors, it looks like a disco room at Jerk@Work. Ted says not to expect too much and damn poor boy is related to GW, he�s talking down his economy before he gets in the office so to speak. The boys have a tender moment and it�s all warm fuzzies and the like and Emmett asks if this goes to shit can they go back to being friends. Ted doesn�t answer and so sex is put off again. I hope they can get it together. They may be the most stable relationship on this show.
HGDB�s at Babylon. You know it�s so nice to come home. Brian tweaked on KFC (Brian�s secret blend of 11 herbs and spices) Mike takes a bump and they hump and grid and kiss the night away, like old times. Poor Mike I can see Ben has been relegated to the back corners of the psyche.
Now to the party at Happy Fun House. They are taking pictures and instead of sayin cheese or goats, they are saying �pussy.� Oh Cowlip, not a great way to make a point. We know they are gay, do they hate themselves? I mean it�s not like me and the family get around for pictures and yell �Darkie!� Mike�s droning on about the couples. Mike spots Justin and Ethan, who�s looking less like rat boy. Temmett snark and kiss the girls, it�s all the same y�all. Mike of course is pissed to see Justin and Ethan.
Woodys. Two bears are talking china patterns and Brian thinks they are talking about piercing. I�d go to this wedding. These two guys are cute together, hee! All warm happy fuzzie thoughts. Brian says he has some friends that can help.
Happy Fun House again. Debbie is inside fixing plates telling some extra to take them outside there are people waiting. What the hell�s this girl going to do, get outside and say, �Hey who had the Lesbo lasagna and some weed looking shit?� I think not. You give me them plates those people will still be waiting. I don�t go to parties to help serve the guests when I am one. Get off you lazy ass and go get some food your damn self. There I�m done. So Justin thinks he can just side step Debbie who isn�t having any of it. She calls him over tells him to disregard anything that idiot son of hers said and to be at work in the morning. Justin smiles. All is right with the world. Ethan is interested in Debbie�s nickname for Justin, Sunshine. Debbie asks Ethan is he ahs a problem with it. I want to tell Lacey to back the hell up off Rat Boy before he gives you hepatitis. Debbie by the way is nowhere near as flamboyant as she was last year. A little subtler. I like it. Debbie tells Ethan he�s �fucking adorable.�
Brian shows up with the Ned and Bart, the bears, and says he thought the girls could settle the debate and then says, �Gotta piss,� and he�s gone. Brian and Justin in the same bathroom and no sex, people it�s a first. Mark it down. Trivia later on ok. Brian says he hopes Justin gets what he wants. Y� all Brian loves that boy ad damn if it isn�t visible to the naked eye. I wish he�d admit it to himself and be done with it.
Mel and Linds tell the two bears that they went with the Empress Alexandra.
Mike: Do you believe the nerve of that little twat? Coming here with his new boyfriend. I told him to stay the fuck out of our lives.
Brian: Why�d you do that? [Duh you clueless git why do you think]
Mike: After what he did
Brian: He didn�t do anything. We were never happily married. He was always free to go and so was I.
Mike: You�re just saying that, he's a selfish little shit.
Brian: Be quiet Michael. [First warning to shut the hell up]
Mike: He used you, and he took form you and he never gave back a thing. [See what I mean. Never known when to stop while you knee deep in shit.]
Brian: I said be quiet: [Second warning, Shut the hell up Novotny]
Mike: And this is the thanks you get for saving his life. Well if you ask me is wasn�t worth it. [Michael, see there is your problem, nobody asked you.] You might as well have left him lying there.
And thus we come full circle. Brian knocks the shit out of Michael and I dare anyone to say Michael didn�t deserve it. I�d get the Jeep and run his ass over. Damn with a friend like him you don�t need enemies. Of course Michael is the poor innocent victim in all of this, and Brian gets thrown out as always. Debbie calls him, a �fucking animal, hit my kid.� Oh yeah that�s what very man wants, his mom fending off the best friend after he's kicked your 31 year-old's ass. Then Ben ipso facto comes in on his white horse only to get stalled by Vic. Someone in the crowd asks if there is a doctor around. Then someone else is heard saying, �Do men always do that?� Debbie says, �Don�t even look at him.� Debbie he can�t his eye is swelling as we speak, hee. Y�all I was rolling again, hee!
The look on Mike�s face is priceless. He looks wounded even though he�s a prick and where is that cheese grater again? Mike looks like he�s going to cry and well he should but he should be beaten and bloodied at the same time. You know I got a pair of electric nodes for his balls right here. God I despise him so. People I need a break to get over my anger. It�s time for some Eminem or Dr. Dre. Breathe�breathe�breathe� yeah Mad Dog Kinney.
Ok I�m back. I can get through the rest of this my therapist says it will be cathartic for me.
Back at Temmett�s no disco sex phase and no toys of all wonders great and small. Just Temmett and the bed and some risky love. Ted says it�ll take ten minutes. Emmett�s more for half and hour. Emmett says, �Good luck,� and they get it on. Y�all, I�m misty and scared by Emmett�s words. This is not what you say to someone you�re about to be intimate with, good luck, hee. I�m still misty, I need a tissue. Excuse me. I would say break a leg but I�ll say a dick instead hoping they have some firework sex.
At the comic shop, Brian�s got a bloody box with a steak in it. The boys make up. Mike says Brian has never hit him before. Well you know shit for brains it�s about time. Brian tells Mike �to make up with Justin, they have work to do. Rage volume one issue number two.� Mike asks if Brian wants to go to the Diner. Brian says he�s got plans. I feel Kinney�s pain. I want them boys back together and Mike�s balls on that cheese grater.
Back at the loft, Brian has a Justin look-a-like comes over for three hundred up front. Brian stops pay pal trick from telling him his name. Brian says it doesn�t matter. They both get naked and Brian puts it in him, so to speak in the words of the NASDAQ queers. Oh Brian I hope you and Sunshine can get it worked out ok. You miss him and you need him.
And so that�s the end. Next week. Daphne is back. Yeah Daphne, and Justin says he�s dropping out. Justin also says he�s going to have nothing to do with Rage. Brian is running off with Michael and Debbie is going to tell Ben her ten dollars worth. Linds gets snippy and tells Mel if she wants a baby so bad she should have one herself. Temmett have their first relationship hurdle. Should be good.
Pressing Questions: Will Michael get a life? Will Debbie ever shut the hell up? Will Brian keep fucking a new Justin-look-a-like every week till they get back together? Will Brian always be blamed for EVERYTHING, even the stock market crashing? How come I want to be Brian's new friend and have the others sent to a prison camp in Siberia? All these answers and more as the season progresses.