I wonder day after day why I�m here� is there a reason? Was I sent here for people to make fun of me, to look down on me, or to put me threw hell? I don�t know but that�s my question�.
To this day I have trouble forgetting. Forgetting my past. Forgetting all the things that went wrong. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night sweating and breathing hard. Awaken suddenly to the realization that I�m not there anymore. That I�m in my new home with loving grandparents that cherish me and my determination , away from all the pain and suffering.
Most people don�t understand and are afraid of the truth. Others just stay away hoping that the things that happened to me never happen to them. More people then just me have been through things I have, Maybe not as bad and some worse. even with all those other people out there with there message to the world and with mine, no one else really seams to care .
Everyone I know says I need help. But I don�t want it. This is my problem ,my fight, and my quest for answers. The only trouble I have finding these answers are the people and things that stand in my way. Those people are those who don�t try to help. Those who make my life hell by calling me names and by not even caring that I have feelings just like them. Those things like me not wanting to let go just yet in the back of my head, and my struggle day to day with the thoughts of suicide and destruction. My feelings of anger and helplessness, and of my hate towards the world. These things are painful to share but the best way to tell people will be threw this story�
Everyday would be a new hell. Something else to have memories of. Things to take away my childhood and make me grow up too fast. The things that where the most painful for me stick out like a sore thumb in my memory. Never wanting to be forgotten. Never letting me move on.
As far back as I can remember I was an outcast at school. No one seamed to like me., and I didn�t know why. I moved around a lot to so that didn�t help much either. Most of the moves we made where to small towns where everyone knew each other and they didn�t take lightly to the fact of change and new people. But comparing school to home I think home was the worst. I was beaten by my mothers druggie/alcoholic boyfriend, and her being an alcoholic and a druggie to didn�t help much.
My mothers boyfriend would force me to kneel on a metal furnace vent for hours on end for no reason at all. And if there wasn�t a vent there was slabs of wood instead. He would also beat me with various objects , including a metal fireplace shovel. At time I would go days without eating. Once I remember there being a lock on the refrigerator so I couldn�t sneak in the middle of the night and get something to eat. At times there would even be locks on my door so they could lock me in my room. Most school children look forward to summer vacation. Not me. That just meant I would be locked in my room even more. Never getting a chance to see the sun, and play outside. I have a lot more memories and things that happened but they are just to painful to even think of.
All that I have just shared and written is true, and is very painful for me to tell.
My life has changed since then. I live with my grandparents away from my mother and her boyfriend. I�m still on my quest for answers, and still have the feelings I described. I go day by day now looking for a brighter future and so desperately trying to forget the past. What I have learned from my life thus far is what don�t kill you will just make you stronger. I just hope that people who read this stop and think for a second. And be thankful for what you do have. If u are one of those people that have gone threw some of these things , just remember your not alone.