|
|
|
|
CHAPTER 53 “Jess-luv?” Kim was testing the doorknob and fishing for a key as the door opened a crack, letting her in. Jessie walked back down the hall without saying hello to Kim. “Jessie-grrl. Carroway and I had a nice long talk, luv. The idiot thinks he can get us to stay in this damned country even longer than proposed. Naturally, I told him where to stuff it.” “Hm.” “Oh, I see. It’s the silent treatment, is it? Not that I even know what I did this time.” Kim caught Jessie by the arm. “Come back to my room. I wanna talk to y’.” “And that can’t happen here?” “Jessie, baby, please? It’s supposed to be my job to be a difficult little bitch, not yours.” Jessie rolled her eyes, smiling a little. “I suppose I’m a bit upset that you let those girls go off with Elvyn and Acwellen.” “Hey, if they were bloody dense enough to want to, should it be my responsibility to reign them in?” “They’re just teens.” “And when you’re a teen, you’ve got to make mistakes on your own, authority figures be buggered. ‘Sides, what happens when their grrl idol turns around and starts saying things their parents would? I don’t wanna scare away my fan base, do I?” “It’s not just that,” Jessie admitted. “I knew that much. Come back to my room, you tell me about it, I’ll tell you my bit, then we’re all good, right?” She sighed. “Fine.” “Fine,” Kim said mockingly, then smiled. “C’mon.” She took Jessie by the arm and led her out, across the hall, to her own hotel room. When they were both settled on the bed, Kim waited expectantly for Jessie to break the silence. It took a bit, but Jessie finally opened her mouth. “You are an idol now,” she said carefully. “And I really only saw that firsthand with those girls. I guess I couldn’t really believe it until I saw it, because we’ve been together since we had to fight just to get a gig at a bar. You are Kim Kissably, the vicious. Kim Kissably, the daunting. Kim Kissably, the sex symbol. You can have anyone you want now, Kim.” “Oh... Is that what this is about?” Jessie sighed. “Jess-luv, you know Dave was never planned. Truth to be told, I don’t even know why I still keep him around... Except that he challenges me. I can’t stand all those people throwing themselves at my feet, y’know? But he’s all in-your-face and makes me hate him as much as anything else. He’s dangerous, and I’ve always been the first to admit that. But ‘cause he’s dangerous, he’ll help me break the bloody habit of bringing a new thing with a prick back with me all the time.” “He’s only going to last this tour, isn’t he?” “What kind of question is that, Jess-luv?” Kim closed her eyes. “I’m trying to make it enough that he’s the last. Can you work with me, here?” “Does he know that he’s just a bad habit you’re breaking?” Kim chewed on her lip for a while before answering. “Jess--” Jessie dropped her head. “I understand.” “If it’s any consolation, I’ll always want you more.” Jessie nodded. “I have something to tell you, lovely. It probably won’t surprise you. I can’t imagine that anyone hasn’t seen it coming, but--” “I don’t think I want to know.” Kim narrowed her eyes. “Then can I show you something?” “Sure.” “Found this back in San Francisco, at Stormy Leather.” “Does it have to do with what you were going to tell me?” Kim sighed deeply. “Trust a band member to never trust my motives.” “Does it, Kim?” “You know me too well. But you’ll want to see it! I promise.” “Cross your heart?” “And hope to die, stick a needle in my eye. ... Is there any more to that little rhyme?” “What, isn’t morbid enough for your likings?” “Nah. Just wondering why there aren’t more little goths running around, what with rhymes like that being taught to us as we grow up. Maybe they’re scared out of their morbidity? I should ask Eb how many nursery rhymes she was taught...” “You were going to show me something?” Kim grinned immediately. “At least one of us in on track. Now, as said prior, I bought this back in San Fran--” “I thought you called it Frisco.” “Nah, Ivory told me the locals call it San Fran.” “Ivory?” “Goth grrl behind the counter at Stormy Leather.” “Grrl, hm?” Jessie gave her a look that Kim completely missed. “Yeh. Dave was fallin’ all over her, of course. But yeh. Not like this is the only thing I bought there; came back with two full bags that I forced Dave to carry. But this is what caught my eye first.” Kim went to one of the chest of drawers that was pushed against the hotel wall. She pulled open the top drawer and took something out. She paused a moment before turning around, holding the item in front of her. It was the black vinyl bikini, with O-rings and stainless steel chains. Not designed with any inclination towards modesty. And even the ever-calm Jessie almost had her eyes bug out of her head when she saw it. She took a breath, staring at Kim. Obviously trying to picture Kim in it. Then she took a breath, trying to collect herself. “That would be useless in the water,” she managed. Kim shifted her weight, taking on sexy poses. “It’s not for the water.” She then tossed the bikini at the bed, getting a slow smile from Jessie. “Nah, not that, either... Not now, anyway. See, it’s what I wanted to tell you. You were right.” Jessie reached out absently and ran her fingers over the black vinyl. She didn’t look at Kim, which made Kim wonder if she knew already. Taking a breath, Kim eased herself onto the bed. She understood Jessie’s desire not to look up, because she couldn’t make herself look up either. “I wanna do a skin mag.” It came out sounding unsure, not at all brash like she had wanted it. Why had it been so easy to tell Carroway? Maybe because he didn’t voice his disapproval, even if she had been able to tell it was there. Jessie wouldn’t be silent. Would she? Kim dared to glance at her for a moment, and then she froze. Jessie was still staring at the bikini, now not seeming to see it at all. Her mouth was closed tightly, lips quivering. She was paler than Kim had ever seen her before. To save herself from the sudden rush of guilt, Kim tried to recover her point. “Gonna get a freelance photographer.” She cleared her throat, so next time she spoke she wouldn’t sound so lost. “I suppose so my body can be sold to the highest bidder.” And she didn’t believe that she had just said that. “You won’t have to be jealous of Dave anymore--” Jessie visibly jerked. “--because anyone with th’ bloody money can see me nude after this.” Kim laughed, but it felt to her like a half-hearted sob. “It’s nothing, right? Everyone does it.” Jessie’s head snapped up and her eyes flared. “And that’s exactly what you never do, Kim Kissably.” Her voice was low, but caustic. “What everyone else does.” She got up, ready to leave. “No!” Kim launched herself at Jessie, catching her hands. “No, no, please stay... Please. Hear me out. I have to do this. Just once. Please. Don’t go.” Jessie closed her eyes and let herself be coaxed back to the bed. “I hafta do this, see, so I will have done everything before I die. I mean, I know... I know what I’m doing.” Kim swallowed. “Turning myself into a slut.” She spoke as quietly as she could, almost hoping Jessie wouldn’t remember she had said something like this before, onstage. “Posing and simpering for the mindless male masses.” Jessie sighed. “I recognize that. That’s what you said about girls.” “Jess...” “Yes?” “I’m not classy, not like a goth. But I’m attracting the wrong fans--” “Earlier, you were worried about scaring them away.” “Not them! I mean, the fans who understand me. Not like those girls who went off and slept with Elvyn.” “You called them grrls to their faces.” “Carroway would shoot me if I directly chased off fans. So I’ve attracted the wrong fans, and they think the wrong things about me. I started punk, and even if the music has changed, the shock can’t disappear with it. I refuse.” “How is posing nude supposed to shock anyone? You used to almost strip on stage.” “I don’t know. I just... I’m not Eb; I can’t be cold and perfect and impassive. I want to do something that screams out I’m still a grrl, not someone accidently becoming some sort of a goth idol. I want to do something no goth ever would.” “So no goth would ever turn herself into a media whore?” Kim gasped and pulled back. She struggled to find words, anything to block what had just been said to her, but she couldn’t. “You don’t believe in love,” Jessie said evenly, “yet you need the entire world to love you like I do.” Kim opened her mouth a few times before speaking. “Did you just say--” Jessie shook her head. “I didn’t say anything. I couldn’t. Not with you being who and what you are.” Jessie got off the bed again, this time with no intent of coming back. “Next destination: New York. I’m sure you can find a cameraman who wants you naked there. I don’t want you coming to my room until this nonsense is over.” Kim said nothing and did nothing except watch Jessie walk out the door. Then she collapsed back in the bed, singing softly to herself.
“Ich höre dich rufen, Marian... Kannst du
mich schreien
hören? Ich bin hier allein. Ich höre dich rufen, Marian. Ohne deine Hilfe,
verliere ich mich in diesem Ort.”
A breath.
“Ich höre dich
rufen, Gwendolyn...
Nein, das ist nicht wahr... Jessica.
Ich
höre
dich rufen, Jessica...”
She watched the door. “Jessie...” It didn’t open. “Jess...” She sighed, running
her fingers over the black vinyl. “Without your help, I’ll lose myself in this
place... Jess.” She closed her eyes. “I’m lost.” Then she started crying. The lyrics to Sister's of Mercy's Marian (version) are included, written by Andrew Eldritch and Wayne Hussey, © WEA Records Ltd., 1985 |
|
|
Talk to LL,
the author. |