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CHAPTER 31 It was insanely early, but Kim was already pacing her apartment. She hadn’t slept, and didn’t foresee herself sleeping for the next few days either. The gentle touch of Jessie’s lips on her forehead and cheek had been burning in her mind since she got home. It was forbidden to linger on anything like that, so it was driving her insane. She had already learned the hard way that she and another girl wasn’t going to work any better than her and a thing with a prick. Sure, it could last longer, but the pain was so much worse. All a relationship between her and Jessie would amount to was the loss of the perfect friendship. Gwendolyn had taught her this. Gwendolyn and her perfect hair and ice green eyes, her gothic wardrobe and boundless knowledge... It was a lesson that had been a long time coming. Kim threw herself down on an easy chair, trying to think of something--anything--to distract herself. Her mind just kept tossing itself back to the mixing room with Jessie; the gentle hands, soothing voice. “No.” She shook her head. There had to be something safe she could focus on, couldn’t there? Something safe had to have happened in that room. That’s right... The song. A song that had wanted to be written then, but she knew couldn’t have been written with Jessie. It wasn’t a song to be shared with Jessie, anyway, except as a warning. Because it was another in a steadily growing line of songs for Gwen. Kim slid off the chair, found a handheld tape recorder she kept handy for inspirations, then fell back down into the welcoming cushions. She hit record and waited a few moments. “Awright,” she said hesitantly. “This is set t’ be a song. It wanted a voice yesterday, but I’m sure it can happen today.” She closed her eyes and thought back to the words that had struck her yesterday. “There are times when I feel I’m falling.” She took a breath, not sure if she wanted to commit these words to history by recording them. “There are times when I’m down on my knees. Tell me why I keep on falling. Tell my why... Please.” She shook her head. “That sounds weak, huh? Please? Gimme’ a bloody break, bitch, you don’t talk like that. But a song is always a persona, isn’t it? Even when writing through yourself. Because everything you show the world is a persona, Kimmy dear.” She paused the tape player. “Why the bloody hell am I talking to myself?” The tape player only hummed in its electric voice as a response. Kim sighed and turned it on again. “So this is for Gwen, in case I hadn’t noticed already. Why would I be falling on my knees over her? Why would I care? It’s one simple word, y’know. One tiny little word that no one should be allowed to use, it carries so much bloody hurt and violence with it.” She sighed. “Love.” More lyrics were starting to form in her head. She sat up straight, realizing something. “But that’s perfect. Let’s play this against Ducking Out of Danger. What is love? Something used to hold you down, keep you back from everything you can accomplish; it’s a word used as a trap. And I wouldn’t have lost her if I’d fallen into that trap! Oh bugger, to have fallen into that trap...” She tapped the recorder against her forehead before saying the lyrics that were coming to her. “Hold me down, baby; please love me. Keep me back from destiny. Hold me down, baby; please love me. Hold me down... Please. “So that’s perfect. That’s exactly perfect, isn’t it?” She narrowed her eyes. “I couldn’t have said it better if I’d been trying. Forget about love... Not worth it. It’ll hold me back, bloody forget about love.” Something dawned on her and she started speaking her lyrics again. “Is love forgotten? Is love forgotten under what was true? Is love forgotten? Is love forgotten under...” She chewed on her lip. “Chaos. And misery? Misery, yeah. Chaos and misery. Chaos... Oh, come to me...” She found herself smiling. This felt like something out of her rants. “Baby... Is there love beyond pain? Baby, is there love beyond pain? Baby, show me love beyond pain... Oh...” She forced herself to sprawl out in the chair again, because she was getting too excited. She didn’t want the song to just happen this easily, because it wasn’t a topic she was allowed to think on so easily. It just bloody wasn’t. “But it can’t be about her. I can’t give her that satisfaction if she comes across one of my albums. It can’t bloody well be about her, it has to be... Long ago. “Long ago, I guess I still loved you. Back when I wasn’t too bitter to tell. And I guess you earned an apology, baby. I had no right to put you through hell. Is it bad I’m crawling back on my knees while trying not to scrape my skin?” She paused. “Ooh, genius grrl... I like. Continue, continue... “Oh god, baby, I’m sorry. Oh god, baby, take me in. “And no, it’s not a continuation of Blood Clot in Repair. That was asking her to be sorry, not asking her forgiveness. It’s different. There, all that was needed were the words ‘I love you’, but now those are hollow. The chance has been passed. They’re bitter again. She had her chance, she waited too long, and then it was over... Now, it’s all forgotten. “Guess love’s forgotten.” She ground her teeth. “How bloody American... But what the bloody hell would ‘I suppose love’s forgotten’ sound like there, huh? Fine. Guess love’s forgotten. Guess love’s forgotten under what’s proved true. Guess love’s forgotten. Guess love’s forgotten under--” Kim’s eyes widened and she felt herself fall out of the chair as new words came into her mind. “Would you forgive me if I’m hurt too?” She hit stop and tossed the recorder across the floor. She had crossed a line, and now all she could do has hug her knees close to her body and wish she could erase that thought. There was a knock on the door that made her scramble to her feet. She walked over carefully, knowing not even Chatha would be up asking stupid questions at this early hour. Had some psychotic fan found out where she lived? If yes, she could deal with it. Most psychotic fans of Kissably and the Sextet were just things with pricks who wanted to be tortured and fucked. She opened the door and found herself immediately wishing it had been some thing with a prick who she could just torture and fuck. Instead, it was Gwendolyn. Standing there in her stone gray velvet dress, toying with a pentacle she had hanging on a silver chain around her neck, looking anywhere but at Kim. That was a blessing, because if Kim had seen her eyes, she would have been frozen. Wouldn’t have been able to stumble over her own feet in an attempt to get back into her apartment. “My god,” she breathed. Gwen took a slow step into the room. One foot remained on the threshold, which she didn't seem to notice until she closed the door against her heel. She narrowed her eyes, not looking at Kim. “I know who you are,” she said in soft, half musical tones. “You can never hope to escape.” Kim shook her head, tears in her eyes. She didn’t want to believe that Gwendolyn Tolden was using her own words in such an attack. “I know where you're going.” Gwen sighed, then finally met Kim's eyes. “Good luck on your way...” Breaking away from the ice green gaze, Kim stalked across the room to stare out the window. She was shaking, and could do nothing to stop it. “What the hell are you doing here? Don't you know what bloody time it is? Don't you know that no one even half sane should bloody well be up and about right now?” “There was a radio show on at midnight, devoted to the Red Lips Sextet. Did you know that?” “No.” “It played about half of Torn Horses, with a few things off the Stone's Throw bootleg.” Kim gripped the window ledge. Hearing Gwen saying the words ‘Stone's Throw’ seemed so very wrong. “It was two whole hours. Clips from radio interviews and talk of your radical television appearances. Rumors about an American tour, talk of the new album. I didn't know there was going to be a new album.” “I wasn't very bloody likely to call you up and tell you, was I?” Gwen was now right behind Kimberly, and she was gripping her arms with shaking hands. “The last song they played was Blood Clot in Repair. I can't shake it.” “Quite the bloody song to have caught in your head.” “I never heard it, not before. I bought Torn Horses, but I never listened. I couldn't. It's full of Jessie and Chatha, and all those other girls who mean so much more to you.” “And how the bloody hell would you know what's important to me? You shut down whenever I opened my mouth about something that wasn't you.” Kim jerked away from Gwen and walked across the room. “What the bloody hell are you doing here, anyway?” “I haven't heard you curse this often before in my life.” “Why even use that generalization? We’ve known each other for two years; that’s nothing, that leaves eighteen years untouched by me.” “And if they had been touched by you, would this have ended any differently?” “Don’t you bloody dare play mind games.” Kim scowled. “Why are you here?” “Your voice. I never realized how much I missed it until I heard it again. It brought back your face, your body, your mind, your soul... I know it’s over. I can’t erase what I said to you when I ended it. I didn’t even come here to see you... I just had to see the flat, to prove you were still real, not some extreme media creation. The light was on, Kim. The bloody light was on, I had to see...” “Well, you’re seeing. You’ve seen. Please go.” “I’m moving.” Kim controlled herself from turning around to look at the deadly green eyes. “Where?” “I don't know. I've always wanted to see the moors. See if Heathcliff’s ghost is still wandering out there, lost... Do you think he found Catherine finally? In death?” “Heathcliff and Catherine are creations of a mind long since dead. Their ghosts aren't traversing the moors.” “What if I believe in it enough? I’ve seen that doomed love is real, so why can’t theirs be real?” “Devotion like that doesn’t exist. ‘I cannot live without my life! I cannot live without my soul!’ He died with her, leaving only a shell and a monster behind.” “He was a monster before she died, Kim. They were both bad people. Catherine was self-serving and pushy, becoming immediately upset if things didn’t go her way. She was a wild-child, too; vicious. Heathcliff, when not dark and brooding, was lashing out to the full extent of his powers. They would have killed each other if they had remained together.” “And yet they loved each other truly. Is this what I’m supposed to look forward to? One day learning what love really is, and being able only to use it for bloody destruction? That’s not what I bloody well want! And if that is what love entails... My god, who can live like that?” “No one ever said love was an easy ride.” “But it shouldn’t make you go mad.” “Kim...” She didn’t respond, afraid that if she did, she’d look up into Gwen’s dangerous eyes. “Kim, I do care enough to say I love you.” She choked back a moan, tensing her muscles so she wouldn't fall to her knees. “And because I love you, too much, foolishly... I'll let you continue the way you are. Undisturbed by restrictive words, unattached. You don't need that shit. No one can tame the wild Kim Kissably. Or are you Catherine Earnshaw? You’ve just yet to find your Heathcliff...” Kim lowered her head, but couldn't muster the words she wanted to say. She wanted to tell Gwen they could rebuild, they could try again, that it would work this time. That she'd learn to accept something like love, just for her. It wouldn't be a happily ever after, but that didn't exist anyway. It would be contentment, at least for a time. Even if it had to end again; and it would end again... Because of that, Kim couldn't open her mouth. Not until the door had opened and closed again, then she breathed: "I want to love you..." Pissed off at herself for even feeling, Kim found the tape recorder and started again. “Am I wrong, or are you seeking approval for your last chance and this final farewell? I still don't know what you expect from me, baby... I hope these words now find you well. One step back, I take in the whole view. Really, what we had couldn't last. But I can pretend that that's a lie, baby... Just once more, I want to live in the past.” She sighed, unable to fight with her tears anymore. They were streaming down her face as she continued to talk in an almost dispassionate voice. “But love’s forgotten. Your love’s forgotten under all that’s true. Since love’s forgotten; my love’s forgotten under...” She closed her eyes. “Panic and heresy. What’d your love mean to me? Baby, there no love beyond this. Baby, where’s the love beyond shame? Baby, there’s no love beyond pain. No...” Kim sighed and turned off the tape recorder. She let it fall to the floor, then she stared up at the ceiling until black dots covered her vision. She found her way to the bedroom and slept until the evening, when Jessie knocked on her door to ask if they were still going to be doing a radio interview to promote Blackened Princess. Kim told her she didn't want to be at a radio station again in her life.This
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Talk to LL,
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