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CHAPTER 20 Early November, 1991 “I stole some of Gen’s blue hair gunk.” Jessie let the door of Kim’s hotel room close behind her. “Washes out in three weeks, does zero damage, and since you’ve got dark hair, it’ll show up practically midnight blue.” “Or purple.” Kim, who had not agreed to the blue streak that Jessie wanted to put in her hair, backed up. “No, won’t mix with permanent hair dye. Especially since it’s already been in your hair for two weeks. And by the way, you’ll be bald by 40 if you keep using that shit.” “Bah, old wives’ tale! ‘Sides, who ever told you I’m living to 40?” Jessie gave her a warning look. Since losing Gwen, Kim had talked more and more about cutting her life short, and Jessie wouldn’t stand for it. They’d gotten into moralistic fights about the consequences of suicide, and Jessie didn’t want another one right now, especially not for a flippant comment. “Sorry, Jess-luv. It’s a part of my customary dialect now. you know I don’t mean it.” Flashing an apologetic smile, she hugged Jessie. “I could never abandon you to take care of the band all on your lonesome.” Jessie smiled, kissed Kim’s cheek, then pulled her toward the bathroom. “I’m giving you the blue streak now, Ms. Kissably.” “Death first!” “Don’t fight me, because that can be arranged.” “Oh, the American’s threatening me, huh? Do you have some of those American mafia connections, or just some muscle-bound boyfriend you keep locked in the closet?” “Hmm, no, it’s actually a muscle-bound girlfriend.” Jessie shoved Kim through the bathroom door, then shut and locked it behind her. “Seven feet tall, three hundred pounds of pure muscle. Not many brains, sadly, but she’s able to keep even you in line.” “Ah.” Kim laughed, nearly giggled. “But where’s your muscle-bound girly now?” “Locked in the closet, like you said. So I guess I’ll have to keep you in line by myself.” With her back pressed against the door and a never-ending smile on her face, she waved the jar of hair dye in front of Kim. “Manic Panic calls to you! It wants you...” Kim grabbed the jar of hair dye and held it up to her face, cooing.” Mmm, you’re not the only one, Manic Panic electric blue; get in line.” Then she thrust the dye back at Jessie. “Sorry, luv.” “You’re not leaving this room until you let me at your hair.” “Good thing we’ve got no show tonight, huh?” “Kim, please...” Jessie pouted. “It’ll make you ultra-sexy! Drive the blokes even more insane.” “Who said I’m not already ultra-sexy?” Kim struck a pose, stretched out, pushing her hair back from her face with a sensual moan. Jessie threw a towel at her, causing her to shriek and fall back against the wall. “Oh, you American bitch!” She pushed off from the wall, preparing to attack Jessie, but she was standing with the hair dye open in front of her. “One wrong move and I dye your face.” “You dare try, and I’ll bloody dye your ass.” “Try me, bitch.” “Bitch!” “Bitch.” Jessie rushed forward, pushing Kim against the wall with her free hand. “I’m dyeing your hair.” She said it slowly, through clenched teeth. “No, you are not.” Not giving Kim a chance to react, Jessie took a glob of blue dye out of the jar, grabbed a chunk of Kim’s hair, and smeared it across. Kim screamed bloody murder, pushing Jessie to the floor, then she beat at the dye as though that would take it out. Jessie couldn’t stop laughing. She opened and closed her blue-covered hand, taunting Kim. With a growl, Kim threw herself down on Jessie and rubbed her blue, gunky hair against Jessie’s cheek. She struggled to push Kim off, but Kim pinned both her arms down and straddled her, laughing triumphantly. “Who’s got the blue face now, bitch?” “I give up! I concede!” “You’d better.” Kim rolled off of Jessie, lying on the floor beside her. “This shit is like finger paint.” “Mm hmm. And you’d better let me rub it through your hair evenly, or it’ll look patchy and stupid.” “Like your face?” “Bitch!” Jessie held her blue hand over Kim’s face. “Don’t make me leave a handprint on your face.” Kim sat up. “Do my hair, Miss America.” “What’s your fixation with my heritage as of late?” Jessie gathered together all of Kim’s blue streaked hair and worked the dye into it, constantly rubbing it back to the roots. She picked up Kim’s hand and draped the hair across it. “Hold this.” Kim watched Jessie as she washed her hands of the blue (though much of the color remained) then ran a dripping wash cloth over her blue cheek. She dried off, grabbed a brush and elastic, and came back to Kim. “I’m going to pull back your hair so it doesn’t all go blue, alright?” Kim nodded, watching Jessie as she kneeled beside her and started brushing her hair. Jessie avoided meeting her eyes until she’d secured her hair in a pony tail and put some distance between them. “There.” Jessie leaned against the sink. “Now we wait 15 minutes. That was painless, wasn’t it?” Kim lowered her dyeing hair carefully down, wiping her hand on a towel on the floor. “Relatively.” *** Kim admired the blue streak, picking it up then dropping it again, over and over. Jessie wrapped her arms around Kim and rested her chin on he shoulder. “See? Ms. Kissably’s blue streak is ultra-sexy. Makes your eyes shine.” Kim picked the strip of blue up again, then flicked it back so it hit Jessie across the face. Grinning, Kim patted Jessie’s head. “Very well, Jess. I think I’ll keep it. ‘Sides, now I match your face.” Jessie let go of Kim and rubbed at her blue cheek. “Give it a day or two; the stuff isn’t designed to dye skin.” “It actually looks cool, in a trippy sorta’ way.” Kim turned to look at Jessie. “This blob of blue on the ivory ski of the group’s perfectionist.” “I’m hardly a perfectionist at the moment.” Jessie regarded her dye-splattered image in the mirror. Her hands, face and clothing were all covered with random spots of blue. Her hair had, luckily, been saved the trauma. “Y’know, you look a little like Siouxsie.” The surprised Jessie. She stepped back from Kim to get a better view of herself in the mirror. “I’ve never seen Siouxsie without heavy makeup.” “There are a few pics out there. She always has big hair, but your faces are so similar.” “Really?” “Beyond doubt.” Jessie wasn’t sure how to properly react to Kim’s observation, or what it meant. “Twice Upon a Time is set to come out next year.” Since they were talking about Siouxsie and Jessie was quite sure that this was the only safe way to approach the topic... “Oh, I know. There’s rumors of her doing a song with Danny Elfman.” “Oingo Boingo meets the Banshees? That’s insane.” “It’ll be sweet. I can imagine it. You seen Edward Scissorhands yet?” “No.” “Elfman wrote the score. Beautiful. Ethereal. Don’t get Eb talking about it, because she’ll go rabid about how bloody goth it is.” Kim laughed. “But Elfman really can write. I hope he and Siouxsie do collaborate. Can you imagine how amazing that will be?” “All I can do is imagine, since I haven’t heard his scoring yet.” Kim left the mirror and grabbed Jessie by the shoulders. “Eddie and his scissor hands are still in the theatre now, luv. We have to go see. Vincent Price is in it!” “Really?” “Yeah! Let’s go.” Kim made an attempt to drag Jessie out the door with her, but Jess held her ground. “Why should I go with you?” Jessie was trying to hold in a smile. “Because,” Kim said rather slowly, “it’s a cool movie. Tim Burton is a twisted genius of a director. Danny Elfman writes cool scores.” “So?” Kim dropped Jessie’s hand and narrowed her eyes. “Don’t you mess with me, Miss America. We’re going to watch the movie.” “The American movie. Come now, Ms. Kissably. You who are against most anything with a prick and an American accent want to see a movie directed by an American male? Scored by an American male? How dare?” “Stubborn bitch. I make some exceptions. Now, I’m off to see the movie. If you don’t want to come, you’re never dyeing my hair again.” Jessie glanced up. “You wouldn’t dare.” “This is me daring.” Kim opened the door. Jessie ran for the door, slamming into it. “Stay with me, Ms. Kissably. Edward can wait ‘till the next stop on the tour. I’m sure that he and his scissor hands don’t mind.” “And what would you want me to do, staying here with you? Hmm?” “Write.” “Write?” “Yeah. I got this idea for a song... It was at Stone’s Throw.” Ignoring the look that darkened Kim’s face at the mention of that gig, Jessie pushed her back into the room. “When you were talking about the problem with spiders. The fact that they have so many eyes, yet the eyes are useless because they can’t cry.” “I remember what I said, Jess. I was piss-ass drunk.” “But what if you could teach spiders to cry? Fight the futility of pain?” “If I taught the spiders to cry, they’d catch me up in their own sorrow. Is there any sight more pitiful than a weeping predator?” “So are you the predator, or are the spiders?” Kim shot Jessie a look. “The spiders.” “Just checking.” “Besides, what the hell can I write about spiders.” “A release.” “What?” “Release Gwen.” “Jess--” “You’ll have to eventually, you know.” “I did. When I wrote Blood Clot in Repair.” “You wrote that before you lost her.” “Well, I bloody well gave her permission to escape from me, and she did! She flew away. She bloody flew away.” Jessie had pushed Kim all the way back to her bed now. “Sit.” Kim did, watching Jessie distrustfully. She pulled a chair up and sat across from Kim. “Without you, I couldn’t fly.” Her voice was light, with a musical edge. “I remained stranded on the ground.” “What do you mean, Jess?” “So I taught the spiders to cry... The song, Kim. The song... In their webs I will stay bound.” “But what if I don’t want to write a release?” “Then don’t. Just talk to me. Say the words that come to you. Please. I want to write a song with you.” “Repeat what you said.” “Without you I couldn’t fly. I remained stranded on the ground. So I taught the spiders to cry. In their webs I will stay bound.” “Rhythm, grrl...” Kim closed her eyes, playing it over in her head, adding a tune, considering. “Not release, Jess. Forgiveness.” “From who?” “I don’t know.” “Tell me the first verse.” “I ... never meant to hurt you.” Kim narrowed her eyes, pulling her legs up onto the bed. “I ... never meant to toe the line.” She let out a breath and looked at Jessie with pleading eyes. “I don’t do it like this, Jess-luv; I always write it down.” “It’s the same process, Kim. You’re letting out words that are inside your mind.” “But I don’t know if the verses are structured well enough. How can I back track? How can I even bloody remember what I said?” “You said ‘I never meant to hurt you, I never meant to toe the line’.” “But can you remember the whole thing?” “I’ll do my best, Kim. Give me more.” “I never meant to hurt you. I never meant to toe the line. You know we were meant to be forever and I’m gonna’ make sure we...” She shook her head. “I can’t do this.” “Gonna’ make sure we decapitate Heather?” Kim laughed. “That too. But it’s not going in the song. Gonna’ make sure ... we remain together.” “Who are you writing this for?” “How should I know? What have I said so far?” “I never meant to hurt you, I never meant to toe the line. You know we were meant to be forever and I’m gonna’ make sure we remain together.” “Maybe no one. Do I have to write this song for someone?” Jessie regarded her for a while, then shook her head. “I guess not. Nothing off Torn Horses was honest, so why should anything off our next one be?” “Nothing? Blood Clot in Repair was bloody well honest. And what about Cornerstore Brothel?” “Fine, those. But nothing else. You’re not a dominatrix. You don’t get off on hurting people. You’ve picked up this ‘danger bitch’ persona, and it’s slowly using you up; you’re using yourself up.” “Don’t pick my mind like this, Jess, it’s not fair.” “Alright.” Jessie stood up. “Where are you bloody well going?” “Getting a sheet of paper to write down what we have of the song so far.” Kim sat in silence while she did that, fuming. So what if her songs weren’t honest and straight out of her heart, anyway? She was getting money off of them. She didn’t want to be paid to bare her soul to a world that would never bloody care! “So it was ‘Without you I couldn’t fly, I remained stranded on the ground, so I taught the spiders to cry, in their webs I will stay bound’ for the chorus, right?” “Did you breathe once in that prolonged sentence?” Jessie laughed, jotting down words on a pad of paper. “Don’t know. Then it’s ‘I never meant to hurt you, I never meant to toe the line. You know we were meant to be forever and I’m gonna’ make sure we remain together,’ right?” “Can you sound a little more bored? Oh please? I don’t doubt in my lyrical skills enough yet.” “Sorry, Ms. Kissably. My memory isn’t passionate.” “I’m sure that’s alright.” “So you’re sure you’re not writing this for anyone?” “Quite. And I don’t know where to go from here, anyway.” “Well, what’s it about?” “Forgiveness; I already said.” “Forgiveness is needed after stuff like betrayal.” Jessie tapped her pen on the paper. “So go with that.” “I never wanted to betray you.” Jessie jotted that down. “No. I didn’t try to betray you. Y’know, it still means it’s unintentional, but who knows about the motivation behind it. Didn’t try to... Maybe saw it coming.” “So, I didn’t try to betray you.” “There was no malice in my intent, but I’m grounded in this place anyway.” “And the spiders don’t want to go away.” “Yes.” Kim met Jessie’s eyes for a moment. “Exactly. Because--” “Without you I couldn’t fly.” “I remained stranded on the ground. “So I taught the spiders to cry. In their webs--” “I will stay bound. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want to love you.” Kim paused. “I’ll use that word; I’ll really use that word. It’s not about a person, it’s about a state of mind.” “How can you ask a state of mind’s forgiveness, though?” “I’m asking forgiveness of those I could love, those I could be close to, because I can’t be like they would need me to be.” She hugged her knees. “Too many bloody blocks in my head. Built myself up a wall that Pink Floyd would envy. Trying to fight the futility of pain, but the spiders own me now. They’re mirrors, Jess; mirrors of myself. They can cry now, I see my weakness in them.” She shivered, letting go of her legs. “But the people who buy our CDs are too bloody idiotic to get it. Where was I?” “I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want to love you.” “I’m just so afraid of driving you away.” “Without you I couldn’t fly, I remained stranded on the ground.” “So I taught the spiders to cry.” “In their webs I will stay bound.” “How much will it take to get you back?” Kim let out a breath. “How much will it take to get you back?” She shook her head. “Where does it go, Jess?” “The spiders own my heart tonight.” Kim’s eyes shot open. “Perfect... The spiders are dry-eyed forever.” A sad look crossed Jessie’s face. “No, Kim.” “It’s the only way to stay safe, Jess. The spiders are dry-eyed forever. Neither of us have ever won. Hold onto me just a little longer. I think that I’m coming undone.” “After all, without you I couldn’t fly.” “I have always remained stranded on the ground.” “So I taught the spiders to cry.” “In their webs I will stay bound.” They recited the last line together. Kim stared at Jessie in wonder. “Did we really just do that?” “Yes. We did.” “Those words are amazing.” “They are.” “You’re amazing, Jessie.” “No. I’m not.” “Miss American, you’re bloody amazing and don’t you dare tell me otherwise. I’m always right, remember? Always bloody right.” She poked Jessie with each of her last three words, and would have continued if Jessie hadn’t grabbed hold of her hand. “Careful with those fingers, Kim. I might be inclined to bite them off.” “Then bite away. I dare you.” “Are you sure what you’re asking for?” She tightened her grip on Kim’s hand. “We Americans have sharp teeth.” “Do you, now?” Laughing slightly, Jessie shrugged. “Who cares about the rest of the country? I have sharp teeth.” “Well, then.” Kim raised her hand, Jessie’s still holding on. “Prove it.” “I warn you, you may not be prepared for what will happen.” “Try me.” “Kim--” “Do it.” Staring into Kim’s green eyes long enough to realize there was no escape from this, Jessie shrugged and raised Kim’s hand to her face. Without breaking eye contact, she slowly bit the end of Kim’s index finger, leaving a tooth mark in the pad. Kim shivered and pulled her hand back, investigating the mark. “Yeah, you’re right. Sharp. Jess--” Looking back into the half-American’s brown eyes, she suddenly realized that she had pushed this further than she should have. One look from those honest, beautiful orbs, and she was practically on her knees. “Kim...” “Jessica, I--” Kim shook her head, backing away. “Can’t play these games with you,” she whispered, fully realizing that she was repeating Gwen’s parting words. “I’m sorry.” Jessie’s voice was tortured. “You’re a band mate. I can’t--” “I know.” “Jess...” Kim stumbled back until she hit the bed. “I want to quit the band.” “No, Kim Kissably.” Jessie had gathered her strength. She stood straight, shining under splatters of blue hair dye like a half-American goddess. “You’ll never forgive yourself. You’ll never forgive me. The band must go on.” She shook her head, losing the strange strength. “See you tomorrow, Kim.” “Tomorrow...” Kim watched as Jessie walked away.
This chapter includes the lyrics to
Teaching Spiders to Cry, off the grrls' second
album,
Blackened Princess. |
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Talk to LL,
the author. |