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CHAPTER 17 July 29, 1991 Gwen leaned in the doorway of Kim’s apartment, the wood biting into her bare shoulder. She didn’t notice. Her black hair was hanging around her face, shining under the light coming in through the drawn curtains. “We never got our own place,” she was saying. “We could have come home to the same bed every night. That would change everything, wouldn’t it?” Kim had been sitting frozen in her chair since Gwen came in with a look on her face that said more than words ever could. She stirred, slowly rising to her feet, staring at the girl who stood there in a sleeveless black summer dress, hiding behind shining black hair. To Kim, Gwen had never been more beautiful. Standing in front of her, vulnerable but firm, green eyes flashing from behind the fine black mesh of hair. Her blood-red lips were pursed, waiting to hear Kim’s voice before speaking again. “We can still do it. You can move in here--” “With Jessie, Chatha and the rest living down the hall? You moved in with your band, Kim. Moved in with your band instead of with me.” “You never had a problem with it be--” Gwen pushed away from the door and put her hand over Kim’s mouth. She shook her head, sad eyes searching Kim’s. “You never asked me. You told me you had a new place, never asked for even my input.” She drew her hand back, tracing her fingers across Kim’s lips. “We haven’t even made love here, how could we live here?” “Gwen--” “It feels like them, Kim. The air feels like the American, the pink girl, and all your followers. Just entering this building, it’s the overwhelming sensation of the Red Lips Sextet. They’re all I feel here, and all you can feel here.” “No, Gwen, please. I’m feeling you. Nothing else. You’re scaring me.” “And what, other than fear, are you feeling?” “Desperation. Urgency. Needing. Longing.” “Nothing else?” “Confusion.” Kim narrowed her eyes, unaware of what Gwen was asking for from her. “What do you feel for me?” “An impossible connection. Stronger than should be humanly possible. Yes, things catch my interest from time to time, but when you’re here, there’s nothing and no one else.” “Why are you like this?” “What do you mean?” Gwen sighed, moving across the room to stare out of the window, into the streets of London. “You’re living two lives, Kim Kissably. On-stage, you’re aggressive and forward, ready to fuck then kill your entire audience. In your lyrics, you pass yourself off as a stone-cold dominatrix. The biggest bitch to have ever existed! A danger grrl ready and willing to rock the world, backed by a rag-tag group of beautiful women, just as cold and dangerous.” She turned around, regarding Kim. “I don’t believe in that side of you. I’ve seen you subservient, I’ve seen you with an honest smile and heard your true laughter. I’ve seen the haunted joy in your eyes when you talk of Wuthering Heights and the moors. And you can’t know how disappointed I was when you didn’t include Darkling Asking on Torn Horses.” “I’m sorry. The band agreed--” “Only bitch songs. I know. To feed the world a false image of yourself. Do you really hate the thought of love so much that you have to drive it away?” Kim, beginning to understand, walked over to Gwen. She took hold of her by the elbows, her hands trembling. “The album, the act, everything... Was to drive away my past. I’ve gone through boy after boy, pretending I was using them, but... I was giving them everything they wanted.” She let go of Gwen, unable to hold on anymore. “A quick fuck from a hot girl, no commitment, no emotion.” Gwen brushed past Kim, catching her hand on the way past, leading her to a couch. “Talk to me.” Kim, staring past Gwen, spoke softly. “I was 14 when I had my first bloke. Willingly, at least.” She cringed. Gwen squeezed her hand. “Don’t remember his name. I never even cared whether or not he had a name. He was 17. I told him I was practically a virgin, and wanted to know how it all worked. He obliged. And I continued with others, trying to figure out all the while why they wanted me... And I kept going. Proving my worth, my strength? It was so stupid... I thought it made me better than them, that I was picking them up then letting them go... I sold my body for my self respect, and cheated myself in the deal.” Gwen was silent. “I hate them so I don’t hate myself, Gwen. Things with pricks is belittling, grrl is empowering. Maybe it’s not who I am, but it transports me. Displaces my hatred, at least for a little while.” With a faraway smile, Gwen nodded. “I’ve been there. I’ve just never become a celebrity off of it.” She ran a nail across Kim’s wrist, eyes narrowed. “Strong-willed girls have a nasty habit of turning themselves into whores. Oh, it makes us so grand! So powerful! We take them up and we cast them aside, always victorious. You get all you need by just giving a bit of yourself. Over and over again.” “I’ve quit whoring myself, Gwen. I’ve found you. I’m happy with you. You’re a better way to work off my hatred, because it’s not displaced with you; it’s being taken away, slowly. You’re giving me innocence back.” “No, Kim, nothing we’ve ever done is innocent.” “Then you’re helping me find healthy ideals again. I don’t know. I don’t bloody care, either. All I care is that we’re together.” Gwen’s hand stopped, her nails pressed lightly against Kim’s vein. “I have a question.” “Yes?” “A question that holds our relationship in the balance. That needs an honest answer, and I know when you’re lying. I know you at least that well, luv.” “Then ask the question.” Kim felt her skin under Gwen’s hand going cold. “Kim Kissably... My dear, sweet danger grrl...” Gwen reached up, brushing at a tear that had escaped Kim’s eye. She touched Kim’s hair, which clung to her wet fingers. Avoiding Kim’s gaze, she continued. “Do you love me?” Kim shivered, all the heat rushing out of her body. She fell back against the arm of the couch, fighting back a shudder that wanted to tear through her body. When she was able to put words together, her voice shook so badly that she worried Gwen wouldn’t understand. “I don’t know what love is.” Gwen bowed her head, her own body trembling as badly as Kim’s. She leaned in and put her arms around Kim, murmuring “I’m sorry,” over and over. Kim jerked away, sobbing, and stalked away from the couch. “This is my weakness,” she screamed up at the ceiling. “So fucking steadfast against it, that when I need it and want it, I don’t know what it is! Gwen... Gwendolyn Tolden, I can say I feel so strongly for you that it burns, but I can’t say I love you. Because I don’t know how.” “You know how to hate well enough. Take the opposite stance.” “It’s not that easy!” “Do you want to love me?” “Yes!” Kim sank down to her knees, holding clasped hands to her forehead. “Yes, yes, yes... Teach me, Gwen, teach me love... I’m ready. It’s time. I want to know. Please...” “But I think you do know love already.” Gwen shook her head, doing all she could to not join Kim on the floor. “You love the band. I see it in your eyes. You love the thrill of performing, no matter how much you loathe those you perform for. I can’t compete with it, Kim. Why try?” “Because I need you.” “But you don’t love me.” “I don’t know! I can’t identify that bloody fucking emotion! I know I’ll die without you.” “And I’ll waste away and die if we keep pretending that we’re together, even though we’re not! Bloody hell, Kim, I see you twice a month! It’s not worth it!” “Why? We can fight for it! Please!” “It’s not worth it, because I love you, and it’s bloody killing me!” The room fell into silence. Kim stared at Gwen, trying to process the words; those words she’d known without being told, but hearing it ... hurt more than she could have imagined. Hesitant, Gwen continued. “It kills me that you don’t return it, don’t even know how. Kim...” Shaking her head, eyes glistening with tears, she backed up. “I can’t play this game. Not with you. Goodbye.” Then she ran out of the front door, leaving Kim in a shivering, sobbing mass on the floor. *** After having left Heather to set up her drums and review the lighting (Heather was the only one particular about it, anyway), Elke headed off to Kim’s apartment building. She had been meaning to talk to Kim in private for a while. Ever since that week off with Gwen at the end of May, it felt like Kim had been pulling away from the band. Elke had no worries about the band breaking up, because even if it did, Kim and her were still supposedly best friends. But if the band broke up and Kim had Gwen to run to... She might disappear to the moors on a romantic flight of fancy and never reappear again. Best friends didn’t do that to each other. It took a minute of banging on the door before she heard anything from Kim’s apartment. She stood still and listened closely; was that crying? A quick test of the knob told her that the door was open, so she walked in. “Kimmy-dear, heads up! We’re gonna’ be playing to about a thousand people at Stone’s Throw tonight. Don’t tell me you have stage fright.” She looked around and found Kim, curled into a ball and sobbing, on the floor in her living room. Elke dropped to her knees and held her, wanting to know what was wrong but still willing to wait until Kim was more complacent. She whispered nice words, then fell into silence when Kim threw her arms around her, still crying. “What’s wrong, luv?” Elke kept her voice as soft as she could. “M’life is over,” Kim sobbed into Elke’s shoulder. “Shh, no, it’s not. What happened?” “Gwen...” Elke nodded, not needing to hear anything else. “I think I saw this coming.” “I did too, I just... Didn’t believe it. Can’t believe it...” She let go of Elke and wiped at her tears, getting eyeliner all over her face. “You gonna’ be okay to play tonight?” “I need a drink.” “You don’t like--” “I need a drink! I started this bloody relationship drunk, I’m going to end it bloody well drunk!” Elke stood up, helping Kim to her feet. “Fine. I’m taking you to a bar. Any specific place you want?” “The Boulder. Where we started it.” She had never known Kim to be bent on torturing herself before. “Why’d she dump you, Kim?” “Because she loves me.” Kim grimaced. “And I can’t love her back. That’s what she thinks. I don’t know, I really don’t, I don’t know what love is... I think maybe I’m learning... But she’s gone, Elke. She’s gone. I know. It was in her eyes.” “So if you learn what love is... You’ll be able to make some grrl very happy one day, Kim, and she’ll stay. You don’t need Gwen. You’re surrounded by grrls.” Kim shook her head. “I don’t date band members, Elke-luv. You should know that by now.” She headed for the door. Nodding slowly, Elke followed Kim out of the apartment. |
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