The Official Rules of Calvinball

1.1. All players must wear a Calvinball mask (See Calvinball Equipment - 2.1). No one questions the masks (Figure 2.1).

*IMPORTANT -- The following rules are subject to be changed, amended, or dismissed by any player(s) involved.

1.2. Any player may declare a new rule at any point in the game (Figure 1.2). The player may do this audibly or silently depending on what zone (Refer to Rule 1.5) the player is in.

1.3. A player may use the Calvinball (See Calvinball Equipment - 2.2)in any way the player see fits, from causal injury to self-reward.

1.4. Any penalty legislation may be in the form of pain, embarassment, or any other abasement the rulee deems fit to impose on his opponent.

1.5. The Calvinball Field (See Calvinball Equipment - 2.3) should consist of areas, or zones, which are governed by a set of rules declared spontaneously and inconsistently by players. Zones may be appear and disappear as often and wherever the player decides. Zones are often named for their effect. For example, a corollary zone would enable a player to make a corollary (sub-rule) to any rule that has benn, will be, or might be declared. A pernicious poem place would require the intruder to do what the name implies. Or an opposite zone would enable a player to declare reverse playibility on the others. (Remember, the player would declare this zone oppositely by not declaring it.) (Figure 1.5a and 1.5b)

1.6. Flags (Calvinball Equipment 2.3) shall be named by players whom shall also assign the power and rules which shall govern that flag for particular moment in that particular game(Figure 1.6).

1.7. Songs are an integral part of Calvinball and verses must be sung spontaneously through the game when randomly assigned events occur. These random events will be named and pointed out after the player causes the event.

1.8. Score may be kept or disregarded. In the event that score is kept, it shall have no bearing on the game nor shall it have any logical consistency to it. (Legal scores include 'Q to 12', 'BW-109 to YU-34, and 'Nosebleed to Trousers'.) (Figure 1.9)

1.9. Any rule above that is carried out during the course of the game may never be used again in the event that it causes the same result as a previous game. Calvinball games may never be played the same way twice (Figure 1.9)

Calvinball Equipment

2.1. Mask - All participants are required to wear a mask - Figure 1.1

2.2. Calvinball - A Calvinball may be a soccerball, volleyball, or any other reasonable or unreasonable, spherical or non-spherical object - Figure 2.1a and Figure 2.1b

2.3. Calvinball Field - The Calvinball Field should be any well-sized field, preferably with trees, rocks, grass, creeks, and other natural hindrances to health.

2.4. Miscellaneous - Other optional equipment include flags, wickets (especially of the time-fracture variety), and anything else the players wish to include (Figure 2.4).

** This rulebook is not required, nor necessary to play Calvinball.

Pulling up the arena in their rental car, Steven Richards and Victoria look relaxed, dressed and ready for tonight. Steven drives the underground parking lot as Victoria seems to be reading something. She tosses her head back and laughs as finally we see that it is a Calvin and Hobbes Book. She shows the book to Steven then brings it back to her lap, a dreamy thoughtful look on her face. She hands the book to Steven and then leaves the car. Steven looks down to find the official rules of Calvinball. Looking up, a smirk crosses his face as he gets out of the car, pointing the keychain locking mechanism over his shoulder and pressing. We hear the little beep of the car being locked as Victoria rushes to the EMT area and Steven follows a bit more slowly.

Moments later, we find Victoria at the curtain area, cutting two long strips of the black material then making a couple of eye holes in each. Turning, she smiles her psychotic grin at Steven as she hands him his Calvinball mask. Both of them put the masks on and grinning, head to the equipment room for a ball. They find a volleyball and head to the entrance of the backstage to begin their game.

Victoria, The Psychotic Bitch Score begins at P to 14 for me...I am spotting you the "P"...game on.

Victoria wings the ball towards Steven who catches it and begins to run towards the locker room area, Victoria in hot pursuit.

Steven Richards, Deranged Manager New Rule...ummm...everytime you pass the Diva's rooms, you have to blow a raspberry...

Steven is just about to pass the room, and does, blowing a raspberry at Victoria before speeding ahead. She follows, blowing a raspberry herself. She catches Steven and taps him on the shoulder.

Victoria, The Psychotic Bitch New Rule...when taking the ball, you have to shout Yoink! Speaking of...YOINK!

Victoria takes off in the opposite direction, blowing a raspberry as she passes the diva locker room. She laughs as she charges through a doorway. Victoria looks around for an escape and charges towards another doorway, looking back to see if Stevie is behind her. Just as she is about to pass through, she runs smack into a chest and lands in a heap on the floor. Looking up, she spies John Cena standing there, a look of "WTF" on his face.

John Cena, Doctor of Thuganomics Yo Victoria....why the rush babe?? What's up with the Lone Ranger get up??

Breathing fast and deep, Victoria looks at Cena as she tangles one hand in her hair, the other holds the ball.

Victoria, the Psychobitch Playing Calvinball if you must know. And one of the rules is that you can't question the mask. Obviously you haven't played before have you?

John Cena, Doctor of Thuganomics Me....play Calvinball....nah it's not in John Cena's vocabulary. I never even heard of the game.

Victoria, the Psychobitch As I can tell...because you questioned the mask Captain Obvious. But to give you an idea...you play with a ball and zones. Wait, NEW RULE!! Be right back.

Victoria charges towards the car and grabs the Calvin and Hobbes book and brings it back to Cena.

Victoria, the Psychobitch Here is the Rulebook Homey...study up and maybe we might let you play next time.

John Cena, Doctor of Thuganomics **Looks at the book** You know Vicky, I am into all types of games....like playing basketball, football, or even games like find the snake in the bed but I don't know bout this Calvinball

Victoria smiles at Cena. She stands with the ball tucked under her arm.

Victoria, the Psychobitch Don't knock it til you try it. Hey, I might like playing with you.

Stevie comes walking up and hears the last few comments. He grabs the ball from Victoria and with an angered look on his face, he grits his teeth as he talks.

Steven Richards, Deranged Manager New Rule...new rule...point gotten when you tag a person with 2 names of four letters with the ball.

Steven throws the ball, bouncing it off the chest of Cena then takes off, leaving Victoria to pick up the ball. She smiles as she tags Cena herself then turns and heads after Steven screaming.

Victoria, the Psychobitch I got the point too Steven!!

John Cena, Doctor of Thuganomics Yo Steven if you tryin to tag this *points to his crotch* Then you picked the wrong partner cause I ain't into your game big chief.

Steven stops and gets in Cena's face with a glare.

Steven Richards, Deranged Manager Oh yeah?

John Cena, Doctor of Thuganomics Oh yeah....cause you see Stevie. Just cause you like holding big balls in your hand and tossing em around....you still can't see these

Cena hikes up his pants around his crotch, smiles, and starts to walk off. Steven is about to go after him when Victoria stops him, reminding him about the game. The two charge down the hall, making everyone stop and stare. From someone comes the comment "Hi ho Silver...AWAY!" which makes Victoria and Steven stop in their tracks.

Victoria, the Psychobitch This isn't the Lone Ranger...IDIOT!

Victoria throws the ball hard at the person, who ducks. Behind him is a ponytailed man screaming into a cell phone.

Paul Heyman, Bossman of XRW-TNA I don't care what your policy is lady, I order a truck load of this rogain for men and it doesn't work! Now I demand a refund or..

The ball bounces off the back of Paul Heyman's head causing him to drop his cellphone.

Paul Heyman, Bossman of XRW-TNA What the hell?! Who just hit me in the head with a volleyball?! There is NO! volleyball in Paul Heyman's XRW-TNA and I swear to god if some oiled up swinsuit model isn't the cause of this then your all fired!!

Victoria, the Psychobitch Okay okay...new rule...hitting Paul Heyman makes you...ummm Calvinball god for this zone...wooo hooo...I am Calvinball God!!

Victoria moves to pick up the ball and the cell phone for Heyman. Looking at him, she smiles psychotically as she points to a throbbing vein on Heyman's head.

Victoria, the Psychobitch You know, if you don't calm down, that is going to explode...

Paul Heyman snatches his cellphone and volleyball away from Victoria then smiles evilly

Paul Heyman, Bossman of XRW-TNA Victoria, darling Victoria. Please tell me that it wasn't you and that sissy mary over there Steven Richards that hit me, Paul Heyman in the back of the head with this ball.

Victoria, the Psychobitch Okay Paul...it wasn't that sissy mary, Steven Richards that hit you with the ball.

Paul Heyman, Bossman of XRW-TNA Good now Victoria you should know better than to throw a ball at someone like that...

Paul Heyman wraps his arm around Victoria and walks towards Steven Richards.

Paul Heyman, Bossman of XRW-TNA Throwing a ball at someone could really hurt them you see. Like taking a shot to the face could put an eye out..

Paul Heyman throws the ball and hits Steven Richards in the face with it then picks it up again.

Paul Heyman, Bossman of XRW-TNA Or like taking a shot to the stomach could knock to wind out of you..

Paul Heyman throws the ball at Steven Richards who is holding his face. The shot causing Steven to grab his ribs as Heyman picks up the ball again.

Paul Heyman, Bossman of XRW-TNA And you don't even wanna know what happens if it hits you below the belt.

Paul Heyman throws the ball at Steven with all his might and hits him right between the uprights causing the battered Richards to drop to his knees.

Victoria moves to stand beside Steven, looking at Paul Heyman.

Victoria, the Psychobitch Man, he sure picked up the nuances of this game pretty quick.

Steven Richards, Deranged Manager Uh huh

Paul Heyman, Bossman of XRW-TNA I like games, I think I'm a fun guy but there is a time for fun and games. Sadly enough this is not the time so if you two wanna play I suggest you take your game elsewhere...

Paul Heyman picks up the ball one more time.

Paul Heyman, Bossman of XRW-TNA Ohhh yeah before I forget...

Paul Heyman kicks the ball sending it smashing into Richard's face.

Paul Heyman, Bossman of XRW-TNA Kickball is a much better game.

Paul Heyman walks away, a self satisfied smirk on his face. Victoria watches him leave as Steven gets to his feet. Grabbing the ball, he hobbles up behind Heyman, bouncing the ball off his head again then running down the hall awkwardly.

Steven Richards, Deranged Manager Now I am the Calvinball God!!

Victoria just shakes her head, hanging it as she walks off in the direction that Stevie took. Stevie meanwhile has come back towards the diva's locker room and stops, blowing a raspberry just as the door opens and Pamela Paulshock is about to leave the room, getting the full force of the raspberry.

Steven Richards, Deranged Manager God...Ummm...NEW ZONE!! Picture with Pammy zone. Gotta get a photo with Pamela Paulshock to get through the zone. Come on Pam, lets get our pictures taken.

Pamela's jaw drops.

Pamela Paulshock, Shockingly Sexy Eww, get your disgraceful pathetic face away from my presence. I don't have time for you.. and.. psycho freak over there to bore me with your petty, childish little antics.

Victoria, the Psychobitch Okay now wait a minute...just because we are letting you play in our game of Calvinball...and this isn't a tell people to get away Zone. So you just have to play or Steven can't leave the zone and will stay with you until the game is over. And that will make the score rw to tna. So there.

Victoria crosses her arms and blows a raspberry because of the previous rule about the diva locker room. Pamela scoffs and tries to make her way around the two.

Pamela Paulshock, Shockingly Sexy I don't have the time in my busy busy schedule, to play a game. People, we're no longer children.. how about you start acting your age? Hmm?

Steven Richards, Deranged Manager Come on Pammy...everyone knows you have more game than Triple H. ~Steven puts an arm around Pamela~ I guess we are going to be sticking together then.

Victoria, the Psychobitch Yes...That means RW for me...

Pamela squirms to get away from Stevie.

Pamela Paulshock, Shockingly Sexy Please, just get off me dude.. seriously. I'm not walking around with you all day.. it would scratch my reputation

Victoria, the Psychobitch Then just take the picture Pammy. Otherwise...

Steven Richards, Deranged Manager We could do dinner or something...

Pamela sighs and closes her eyes speaking through clenched teeth.

Pamela Paulshock, Shockingly Sexy Fine.. just.. one.. picture.

A fan takes the picture and Pamela just glares at the two as Victoria turns and heads towards the gym, calling out that it will be the hopscotch dodgeball zone, and busts through the door, playing an imaginary game of hopscotch as Steven follows her in, throwing the ball at her. Victoria twists out of the way in time as the ball smacks into the bootay of one XRW Diva known as Nidia making it jiggle.

Nidia, Da Bootay Woooo Baby! ~Turns around~ Who dares smack me on my bootay?

Nidia looks around as Victoria just giggles once then points at Steven before hopscotching over to the ball and picking it up.

Steven Richards, Deranged Manager That was me hitting your...bootay.

Victoria, the Psychobitch And with that, new rule! Bootay hitting means you have to sing I like Big Butts.

Steven Richards, Deranged Manager Okay... ~Stevie starts to sing off key~ I Like BIGGGGG BUTTS and I can't deny, ummm...anyone know the rest of the lyrics?

Nidia, Da Bootay You totally got it all wrong! It's not can't deny, it's can not Lie! ~Shakes Head~ You just messed up the song!

Victoria laughs, twisting her hand in her hair as Steven just looks at Nidia with a strange look on his face.

Steven Richards, Deranged Manager Are you SURE it isn't "Can't DENY?"

Nidia, Da Bootay Im Positive, Here...You want me to sing the entire beginning for you so that you'll know?

While Steven and Nidia talk about the song, Gail Kim enters the gym and Victoria thinks up a new rule for the game. She smirks as she sings the little song.

Victoria, the Psychobitch Shanghai, Hong Kong, Egg Foo Yong...Fortune cookie always wrong

At the word "wrong" Victoria bops Gail on the back of the head with the ball.

Victoria, the Psychobitch Chinese mystery point for me!

Rubbing her head, Gail Kim looks up. Her fists ball up and her jaw is locked tight.

Gail Kim, the Black Tiger What do you think you're doing?!

Victoria, the Psychobitch I think I just went ahead in points in our game. Right Steven?

Steven looks up at Victoria and a now irate Gail Kim.

Gail Kim, the Black Tiger Well, why don't we start a new game called "The Black Tiger puts Victoria in a hospital"?

Victoria, the Psychobitch Wish I could but I am playing Calvinball right now pussycat.

Gail Kim, the Black Tiger You know why? I'm gonna play and I will make sure that the PsychoBitch upgrades to incapacitated nymph.

Victoria, the Psychobitch I just thought up the rule that only two can play on days that start with...ummm what's today?

Gail Kim, the Black Tiger Sunday you incredibly irritating idiot. I don't need to stay here with you people. I've got better things to do.

Gail Kim storms off as Victoria smirks and hopscotches out of the room.

Victoria, the Psychobitch Good thing she left...I was going to say days that started with a 'T'. She wouldn't have wanted to play anyways.

Victoria heads down the hallway and happens upon Kendy, the best friend of Justin Credible. Victoria stops and smiles at the stick. Making a new rule that only stick people can join in the zone, she rips part of her mask and makes a mask for Kendy. She picks up Kendy and puts it against the table of snacks. Victoria makes a strategy with Kendy and then hides behind the table waiting for Stevie who comes down the hall just as Credible steps out of his locker room. Victoria hadn't seen Credible as she whips the ball at Stevie who is knocked into Justin.

Steven Richards, Deranged Manager Point for me Victoria and that makes this the Great Chase Zone...tag, you're it Credible!

Steven smirks at Credible and then charges away.

"Impact Playa" Justin Credible Who the fuck said I was in this game..What a guy can't walk out of his lockeroom without being put in some game he doesn't know anything about. You two need to grow up..this is fuckin' XRW not pre school

Steven Richards, Deranged Manager I just said that you were Credible. I tagged you in. But if you aren't Mannnnnn enough...

"Impact Playa" Justin Credible Who are you talking to Steve..I am Justin Credible..I was the ECW WORLD CHAMP I AM THE HARDCORE ICON and your saying I"M NOT MAN ENOUGH FOR YOUR STUPID GAME...

Justin whips the ball at Steve and it pings him off the head. Stevie walks up to Credible with the ball and stands nose to nose with him.

Steven Richards, Deranged Manager New Fucking Rule...you don't play right you get...your nose beeped...

Steven beeps Credible's nose and runs off with the ball, daring Credible to follow. Justin looks at his hand as he wipes his nose.

"Impact Playa" Justin Credible YOUR FUCKEN DEAD YOU STUPID PANSY

Justin starts to chase after Steve as he runs down the hall as Victoria steps out from behind the table after Credible runs past.

Victoria, the Psychobitch See that Kendy...totally ignoring us. If I were you, I wouldn't talk to Credible if he is going to be like that.

Kendo Stick ...

"Impact Playa" Justin Credible Hahaha your right Kendy she doesn't know her rights from lefts..These two are like pre school kids always playing around. Make sure you don't play around in the ring Vicky you got a pretty big match at the PPV. Come on Kendy

Justin picks up Kendy and starts to walk off, but from behind Steve whips the ball at Justin and it hits him in the back of the head. Steven and Victoria stand there, Steven has his arm on Victoria's shoulder as both of them are acting innocent.

Justin then picks up the ball and looks at it as he holds Kendy in his other hand. He then puts Kendy to his ear and listens

Kendo Stick ......

"Impact Playa" Justin Credible Yeah I guess that could work Kendy, but

Kendo Stick ......

"Impact Playa" Justin Credible Okay Okay chill out

Justin then walks over toward the two and tossis the ball in the air and swigs and wacks it with the Kendy and it hits Steve in the groin.

"Impact Playa" Justin Credible Perfect Shot Buddie

Justin and Kendy are scene standing in the middle of the hall. Victoria has a disappointed look on her face.

Victoria, the Psychobitch Do you realize you just gave him the bonus qb4 with that shot to the groin? Thanks for nothing...

"Impact Playa" Justin Credible That mean this retarted game is done?

Victoria, the Psychobitch Your part in it has...begone, I grow tired of you now.

Kendo Stick ......

"Impact Playa" Justin Credible Hahaha yeah buddie lets go these two are ridiculous

Victoria and Stevie head off down the hall one way as Justin and Kendy head in the other.

..::[ Scene Close ]::..



..::[ Scene Open ]::..

""

Scene: Later on in the evening

Day: Same day

Time: Later

All night the game of Calvinball has been happening in the backstage area. Victoria and Steven Richards have been playing for an hour or so. The Coach has been sent back to try and get an interview with Victoria for her match in the women's tournament for the title. She has to face Tori this week and Paul Heyman wants to hear from her. Coach has managed to corner Steven and Victoria and has the camera man keeping them there. Stevie stands on one side of Coach as he looks at Victoria. Still in the pink ring outfit, and Calvinball mask, she has her hands on her hips. Stevie leers over Coach,

Jonathan, the Coach, Coachman Ummm...Vickie, you have a match this week at the Payperview, a quarterfinal match for the women's title against the very good looking and dangerous Tori...

Victoria, the Psychobitch Let me get this right Coach...Quarterfinal match...for the Women's title tournament? Against Tori right?

Coach looks worriedly at Steven and then nods yes at Victoria.

Jonathan, the Coach, Coachman That's right, Tori, a woman that has a very good chance to pull the upset at Born 2 be Violent

Victoria, the Psychobitch The only chance that woman has at Born 2 Be Violent is the chance that I am going to give her. And that chance is to be able to walk out of the arena that night. Because you see Tori...I...

Coach starts to laugh, with his usual cocky smirk on his face. He looks at Victoria, then his smirk gets bigger as he interrupts her.

Jonathan, the Coach, Coachman But Victoria...babe...this is Tori we are talking about.

Victoria, the Psychobitch Don't you think that I know that?

Jonathan, the Coach, Coachman Obviously...you DON'T!

Steven Richards, Deranged Manager Why don't you just let Victoria here, speak nimrod!

Steven beans Coach with the ball, making him see stars. Victoria brings one hand to the side of her head, twisting in the dark curls there as she smiles evilly at Coach.

Victoria, the Psychobitch Now as I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted. I am going to give Tori a chance. A slim one but a chance none the less. You see Tori, I can understand that you are afraid of facing me. Of even stepping up and talking about this match. But you don't need to be afraid. You see, I am afraid for both of us. Afraid of what I am capable of...afraid that once I start to beat on you, I am not going to wanna stop. Tori, you have entered rarified space. The quarter finals of the women's tournament. You made it to the final nine...but sad to say, that is as far as you will be going. Because I am on the fast track to the women's title. I am the one that will be crowned the first EVER women's champion here in XRW. And there is nothing and no one that is going to stand in my way for that.

Coach seems about ready to say something else when Steven again beans him. Coach starts to walk away rubbing his head as Steven points and calls out to him. Coach turns and Steven catches him right in the groin, dropping him to his knees

Victoria, the Psychobitch NEW RULE!!! XRW-TNA is the Don't Mess with Victoria Zone!!!

The scene fades on Coach clutching himself, tears in his eyes as Victoria and Steven go back to playing Calvinball.

..::[ Scene Close ]::..