1. A few clowns short of a circus
2. A few fries short of a Happy Meal
3. An experiement in artifical stupidity
4. A few beers short of a six-pack
5. Dumber than a box of hair
6. A few peas short of a casserole
7. Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box
8. The wheel's spinning but the hamster's dead
9. One Froot Loop shy of a full bowl
10. One taco short of a combo plate
11. A few feathers short of a whole duck
12. All foam, no beer
13. The cheese slid off the cracker
14. Body by Fisher - Brains by Mattel
15. Has an IQ of 2 and it takes 3 to grunt
16. Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear
17. Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel
18. He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down
19. An intellect rivaled only by garden tools
20. As smart as bait
21. Chimney's clogged
22. Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash
23. Doesn't know much but leads the league in nostril hair
24. Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor
25. Forgot to pay his brain bill
26. Her sewing machine's out of thread
27. His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels
28. His belt doesn't go through all the loops
29. If he had another brain it would be lonely
30. Missing a few buttons on his remote control
31. No grain in the silo
32. Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse
33. Receiver is off the hook
34. Several nuts short of a full pouch
35. Skylight leaks a little
36. Slinky's kinked
37. Surfing in Nebraska
38. Too much yardage between the goal posts
===================================================
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Employee Performance
My boss asked me for a letter describing my partner Bob Smith, and
this is what I wrote:
1.Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
2.hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
3.wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
4.thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
5.finishes given assignments on time. Often Bob takes extended
6.measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7.breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8.vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9.knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
10.classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
11.dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
12.promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13.executed as soon as possible.
S.D. - Project Leader
Shortly afterward I sent the following follow-up note:
That bastard Bob was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the
report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd
numbered lines (1, 3, 5, etc.) for my true assessment.
Regards,
S.D.
*********************************************
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
BEER TROUBLESHOOTING
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT:....... Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION:.... Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.
SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT:....... Improper bladder control.
ACTION:.... Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.
SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT:....... Glass empty.
ACTION:.... Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT:....... You have fallen over backward.
ACTION:.... Have yourself tied securely to bar.
SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT:....... You have fallen forward.
ACTION:.... See above.
SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT:....... Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION:.... Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.
SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT:....... You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION:.... Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT:....... You are being carried out.
ACTION:.... Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT:....... Bar has closed.
ACTION:.... Confirm home address with bartender.
SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT:....... Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION:.... Cover mouth.
SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT:....... You are dancing on the table.
ACTION:.... Fall on somebody cushy-looking.
SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT:....... It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION:.... Punch him.
SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT:....... You have been in a fight.
ACTION:.... Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.
SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
FAULT:........ You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION:.... See if they have free beer.
SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT:....... The beer is too weak.
ACTION:.... Have more beer until your voice improves.
SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT:....... Beer is just right.
ACTION:.... Play air guitar.
-----------------
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Here are some one liners about computer stuff.
1. Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.
2. COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key.
3. Buy a Pentium II 400 so you can reboot faster.
4. 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
5. Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
6. Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
7. My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
8. Best file compression around: "DEL *.*" = 100% compression.
9. The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.
10. BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding.
11. The name is Baud, James Baud.
12. C:\> Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner!
13. Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay..
14. Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!"
15. As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
16. Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope)
17. Backups? We don' NEED no steenking backups.
18. >... File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
19. Ethernet (n): something used to catch the Etherbunny.
20. A mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available.
21. An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting.
22. CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C. (Y/N)?
23. Does fuzzy logic tickle?
24. 11th commandment-Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's Pentium.
25. 24 hours in a day...24 beers in a case...coincidence?
26. Windows: Just another pane in the glass.
27. SENILE.COM found . . . Out Of Memory . . .
28. Who's General Failure & why is he reading my disk?
29. Ultimate office automation: networked coffee.
30. Shell to DOS...Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS...
31. All computers wait at the same speed.
32. Computer: A device designed to speed and automate errors.
33. Go ahead, make my data!
34. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.....
35. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue...
36. ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!
37. E-mail returned to sender -- insufficient voltage.
38. Help! I'm modeming... and I can't hang up!!!
39. All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
40. Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
41. "640K ought to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates, 1981
42. Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS
43. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit...
44. Press any key...... no, No, NO!! Not THAT one!
45. Press CTRL-ALT-DEL to continue ...
46. (A)bort, (R)etry, (G)et a beer?
47. (A)bort, (R)etry, (I)gnore, (V)alium?
48. (A)bort, (R)etry, (I)nfluence with large hammer.
49. (A)bort, (R)etry, (P)ee in drive door
50. (A)bort, (R)etry, (S)elf-destruct?
51. (A)bort, (R)etry, (T)ake down entire network?
52. Hit any user to continue.
53. I am the computer your mother warned you about.
54. If at first you don't succeed, you must be a programmer.
55. If only women came with pull-down menus and online help.
56. Life would be much easier if I had the source code.
57. Real programmers don't document. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand.
____
My grandfather worked in a blacksmith shop when he was a boy,
and he used to tell me how he had toughened himself up so he
could stand the rigors of blacksmithing.
He said he would stand outside behind the house and, with a
5 pound potato sack in each hand, extend his arms straight
out to his sides and hold them there as long as he could.
After a while he tried 10 pound potato sacks, then 50 pound
potato sacks and finally he got to where he could lift a 100
pound potato sack in each hand and hold his arms straight
out for more than a full minute!
Eventually, he even started putting potatoes in the sacks.
=-----------
=============
To Whom It May Concern:
Thank you for your letter of [date of the rejection letter]. After careful consideration, I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment at this time. This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates, it is impossible for me to accept all refusals. Despite [Name of the Company]'s outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet with my needs at this time.
Therefore, I will initiate employment with your firm immediately. I look forward to working with you.
Best of luck in rejecting future candidates.
Sincerely, [Your Name]
*********************************************************
"What's Your Business Sign?"
Instead of Astrological Signs, how about these .. What's Your Business
Sign?
1) MARKETING
You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid
having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and
socializing which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now.
Least compatible with Sales.
2) SALES
Laziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing without a degree."
You are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and
begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with customers
so you can "concentrate on the big picture." You seek admiration for
your golf game throughout your life.
3) TECHNOLOGY
Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead
content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace.
Often even YOU don't understand what you are saying but who the hell can
tell. It is written that Geeks shall inherit the Earth.
4) ENGINEERING
One of only two signs that actually studied in school. It is said that
engineers place ninety percent of all Personal Ads. You can be happy
with yourself; your office is full of all the latest "ergodynamic"
gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your "carpal tunnel
syndrome."
5) ACCOUNTING
The only other sign that studied in school. You are mostly immune from
office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization;
combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors
concerning you say that you are completely insane.
6) HUMAN RESOURCES
Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to
be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other
person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any
calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch AND then mail
a letter.
7) MANAGEMENT/MIDDLE MANAGEMENT
Catty, cutthroat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain
at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single
decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you
can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Middle Managers"
as everyone in your social circle is a "Middle Manager."
8) SENIOR MANAGEMENT
(See above - Same sign, different title)
9) CUSTOMER SERVICE
Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your
own life. As children very few of you asked your parents for a little
cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play
"Customer Service." Continually passed over for promotions, your best
bet is to sleep with your manager.
10) CONSULTANT
Lacking any specific knowledge, you use acronyms to avoid revealing your
utter lack of experience. You have convinced yourself that your "skills"
are in demand and that you could get a higher paying job with any other
organization in a heartbeat. You will spend an eternity contemplating
these career opportunities without ever taking direct action.
11) RECRUITER, "HEADHUNTER"
As a "person" that profits from the success of others, most people who
actually work for a living disdain you. Paid on commission and
susceptible to alcoholism, your ulcers and frequent heart attacks
correspond directly with fluctuations in the stock market.
12) PARTNER, PRESIDENT, CEO
You are brilliant or lucky. Your inability to figure out complex systems
such as the fax machine suggest the latter.
13) GOVERNMENT WORKER
Paid to take days off. Government workers are genius inventors, like the
invention of new Holidays. They usually suffer from deep depression or
anxiety and usually commit serious crimes while on the job...Thus the
term "GO POSTAL"
-----------------------
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