I was given an assignment my sophomore year of high school, to write an obituary for an inanimate object:

"Hamish Haggis shall be known as a happy stomach, lung, and heart of a fine sheep. As a lung he helped by giving oxygen to the cells of his body. As a heart, he gave life to every cell as well, pumping as well as he could. As a stomach, he digested every scrap of food he could to nourish his sheep. Now he is, sadly, the nourishment in some crazy, red-haired Scot. At least he helped someone in both his past and present lives. He shall be deeply missed (but thoroughly enjoyed)." - February 22, 1995